Snatched

by Bill James

  ‘Myself, I’m damn relieved to see it all buttoned up, and I assure you Gadarene is, too. He’s been able to settle down to a new canto on the rust epic now this crisis is out of the way. I’m relieved, also, that your Conclave decided so wisely that it would be worth having both busts of Flounce. If a thing’s worth doing, it’s worth doing twice, as it were, particularly when it concerns someone as deep-down unquenchable as B-M.’

  ‘Several of us had been hoping to see Sally Jill Ash,’ Lepage replied, ‘to give her the excellent news direct, Minister. As a matter of fact, Angus Beresford is always very interested in talking to people from that part of the States.’

  Vaux glanced about, possibly wanting to make sure his wife was not close by. ‘Probably we’d all gained the notion that she’d turn out bonny. Justified,’ he said with a very wholesome smile. ‘Totally justified. Something of a tendresse developed between Sally and me in London during the negotiations. I don’t think I’m overstating her attitude. I am definitely not overstating mine, and believe I conveyed everything that needed to be conveyed. You can tell Beresford he can keep his roving hormones caged. Sally Jill’s husband is a quite a w—’

  ‘Wanker?’

  ‘Is he? Why do you think that? No, I was going to say quite a wonderful chap, and is highly satisfied with the deal struck for distribution here and in Europe of his stop-baldness balm. Perhaps when Sally’s over again I’ll bring her down to see their Flounce thing in place. Oh, yes, she’d like that, and there’ll be a lot of visits to Britain now, because of Frank W.’s business. I gather the Kalamazoo bust will be done as if looking at B-M from the left, and the Japanese one as from the right. Or vice versa. Anyway, they complement each other nicely, a sort of global view, which is appropriate, given Flounce’s international status. It’s all turned out a treat, really. The Japanese internal exploration and cutting gear are pulling the crowds, aren’t they, and you’ve got your first-class rating officially blessed by everyone short of the Queen? This, though, I can tell you now was little to do with the Japanese exhibition, but almost wholly a matter of the “El Grecos” turning out to be El Grecos. The credit for that really did make the Hulliborn look golden, Youde standing out virtually alone against all the attacks. Of course, you were among those few who supported him, so the knighthood might yet come.’

  To Lepage, this seemed less important now. Why had he sweated so much about that? Julia would probably still like it, but after the strange little display of tremors over the peroxided burglar at Penny Butler-Minton’s, Lepage could not feel certain Julia would always be around. Such a puzzle! She had appeared deeply jealous about him at Penelope’s house that night, yet had obviously also been obsessed by the young crook, as if knowing him much more than very well. Women could operate on two fronts at once, just like men, couldn’t they? Naturally – and why not?

  As to Kate Avis, he thought titles would matter little to her. Kate’s tastes were basic, though not as basic as what Nev had offered in Folk, thank you. She and Lepage had spent a happy morning on the floor of a stores’ Portakabin out at the Iron Age village site. Maybe his future lay with her. For all sorts of reasons, she seemed part of the Hulliborn now. He decided he’d probably hang on in the job for a while.

  ‘I hope you’ll congratulate Quent Youde personally, Minister,’ Lepage said. ‘He’s surprisingly vulnerable, and sets store by these things.’

  ‘I have already – the eternal, posturing, Degas-wannabe twat,’ Vaux replied. His wife approached with Gadarene Timberlake and his wife.

  ‘Felicitations, felicitations, George,’ Mrs Vaux cried. ‘The Hulliborn is where it should be, on top again. You’ve shown how to fuse commerce and culture, a very modish skill. But, tell me, have you discovered yet how not only the Monet reappeared on its Hulliborn wall, but also the El Grecos?’

  ‘No, but the day after their proven authenticity became known they were suddenly back, just like that. Same procedure as the Monet. Same source? Who knows? But we’ll gladly do without the El Greco insurance, as long as they’re here and real.’

  ‘Inside job?’ Gadarene suggested.

  ‘What about Simberdy?’ Mrs Vaux said. ‘Couldn’t it be him? Wasn’t there a fat man involved? He fits.’

  ‘But Simberdy is Asiatics,’ Lepage said.

  ‘Just an idea,’ the Minister’s wife replied. Then she stepped in among Lepage’s special uncertainties and worries. ‘Look here, George, I don’t think Julia is looking too great. There’s been a change since I last came to the Hulliborn with Sam on one of his official visits. Is the potato thing taking too much out of her? I heard she runs a late-night kiosk.’

  ‘Something’s disturbed her,’ Lepage said. ‘I wish I knew what. We happened to see a burglar captured in the act at Penny’s place. That did bother Julia. The trouble is, the police say he’s hard and won’t talk to them about anything. I’m puzzled as to what the incident meant.’

  Gadarene said: ‘The story is around. I gather he was carrying a piece of Kangxi porcelain. Would Julia have been perturbed in case he broke it – or simply at the sight of someone’s treasures being abused? I mean, a sort of symbol: vandals bearing off a revered thing of beauty. People can be so sensitive over such matters.’

  ‘Oh, get stuffed, Gadarene,’ Mrs Vaux replied. ‘Why not try living in the real world? A pretty burglar, Lepage? Quite possibly local?’

  Lepage thought back to the holy face. ‘Well, yes, I suppose he was pretty. Local? Yes, again, the police recognized him.’

  ‘Women can be very susceptible that way,’ Mrs Timberlake pointed out. ‘You’ve heard of “a bit of rough”, I expect. Good body – I mean thighs and so on?’ She grew breathless.

  ‘And you, preoccupied in your various ways, George,’ Mrs Vaux said. ‘Is it any wonder, poor girl?’

  There was a joyous call for silence by the master of ceremonies. This afternoon, Falldew had on a good, properly fitting tails suit that made him look like the enlarged snapshot of a black-handled penknife. He went now with Ursula to the spot on the balcony where he had started his previous speech at the Founder’s, so briskly terminated by Penny B-M. ‘Friends,’ he began, ‘we are in a wonderful treasure palace of the past this afternoon, perhaps the most wonderful in the world, and the past will always be the creator of today, the necessary foundation of today. Thank God for the past and those who brought it to us, such as Sir Eric Butler-Minton, alas now deceased. Yes, finally deceased.’ He smiled, as if freed from a burden, like the traveller in Pilgrim’s Progress.

  Keith Jervis – full-time staff at last – and standing just behind Lepage, said: ‘He’s pissed, of course, but not too pissed. Doesn’t Keeper Wex look regal? You can’t beat a blue silk suit for class.’

  Falldew continued amiably: ‘At this lovely wedding –’ he turned and kissed Ursula on the cheek – ‘at this lovely wedding we see the Then and the Now sweetly cohabiting. And that is how it should be, must be. In one way, Ursula and I are the Then – she Urban Development, myself Palaeontology (involuntarily retired). Yet, though we both have inhabited a distant past and reverence it, we are also so much part of Now, even, perhaps, if I may be permitted, stars of this glorious, unique Today. Yes, in this resplendent Now, we two come together, come together vividly, infinitely satisfyingly, elements of the beautiful present.’

  ‘Is he getting crude?’ Beresford asked Lepage. ‘Shall I go and thump him?’

  ‘He’s fine,’ Lepage replied and led the applause. Ursula shook hands with herself, hands above her head, like a victorious boxer.

 

 

 
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