by Amy Daws
“I think he did it more for his mother than anything else,” I reply, feeling a little defensive. Theo most certainly didn’t do any of this for me.
“Oh, yes, Theo is always the good son. And now he’s got you to continue reminding us all how bloody perfect he is.” I flinch at his mean remark.
“I assure you, I’m no prize. And I’m certainly not perfect.”
Hayden looks at me quizzically, trying to figure me out. I return his eye contact because I will not feel bullied in this situation. I don’t know what the hell is going on here, but I don’t appreciate the vulgarity of his tone.
“So, you’ve got some skeletons in your closet too, eh, Leslie?” I look nervously at Richard and Daphney and they appear not to have overheard. Hayden holds his wineglass up to me in a toast and I cut him a nasty glare. He shrugs and clinks the empty glass sitting in front of me.
“Why wouldn’t you want your brother to be happy?” I ask, feeling deep down, that seems to be the issue here.
He does that mean-smile thing again and looks at me pointedly. “You still don’t know!”
“Know what?” I hiss.
He chuckles and chugs down his entire glass of wine in one fell swoop, refusing to look at me. But I know what he’s referring to. Marisa. Perhaps I was a fool to come here tonight. Meeting the family is shining a huge, beaming light on how little Theo and I truly know about each other. If Marisa was so important to Theo and he’s not telling me about her, maybe he’s not truly over her. He said it had been three years since he’d been intimate with anyone, which must mean this woman fucked him up good.
I feel my shield rising slowly up over my entire body. Maybe I’m not what I thought I was to him. He’s the one that pushed for more with me, but he’s the one holding back now. Maybe I was a fool for thinking this thing with Theo would last.
Anger begins bubbling beneath my skin as I think more and more about the signs that Theo has been holding back from me since day one. Sure, I’ve been holding back from him too, but this, all of this is turning into a mess of secrets now. I just wanted to live my life in peace without relying on anyone but myself.
The MC announces one of Theo’s pieces. It’s a half-round buffet table that was carved out of driftwood. It’s got a signature grey coloring to it and it’s simply stunning.
“We’re going to start the bidding at one thousand pounds, can I get one thousand,” the announcer’s voice continues as various people in the crowd begin bidding. Shit, I hadn’t intended on spending that much on one of his pieces, but screw it—I’m not letting Theo bulldoze over me anymore.
I raise my hand high. “Thank you miss, we have twenty-five hundred, can I get three thousand…three thousand, anyone?” He pauses one more moment. “Sold! To…” he looks at me questioningly, waiting for me to announce my name.
Before I can think better of it…before my mind can tell my temper to shut the fuck up…I say loudly, “Marisa!”
***
CHAPTER THIRTY-THREE
A sick expression roils over Theo’s face from up on stage as he clearly hears me give ‘Marisa’ as my name to the MC. He looks positively ill. I suddenly, completely, utterly regret saying what I just said. I glance at the table and everyone is staring at me in dead silence. Richard looks like he’s about to blow a gasket and Daphney looks like she’s about to be sick. Hayden breaks the tense silence with a hearty laugh.
“That. Was. Something, Leslie!” he continues, bellowing out a huge belly laugh and refills his glass and downs it in one sip again. Theo’s family all remain silent, watching Hayden with a look of dread. Hayden grabs the bottle of wine and his chair scrapes loudly as he stands. “Darling family…always good to see you.” He bows dramatically and stumbles away, running into the backs of people’s chairs as he walks out of the ballroom.
Daphney lets out a quiet sob and I look over at her in utter shock as my mouth hangs open. Feeling his presence closing in quickly, I glance up and Theo is thundering toward me looking murderous, with Winnie close behind.
“Can I see you for a moment,” he hisses in my ear and stands back, waiting for me to lead the way. I rise slowly, glancing briefly at Winnie as she nears us. Her eyes look heartbroken and horrified all at once.
Theo grasps my elbow firmly in his hands and I suddenly feel like a child getting taken to detention. I rip my arm free and he gaps at me incredulously. I stomp off toward the exit, not looking back. I’m not the one keeping the fucking secrets here! I will not be made to feel like the one in the wrong right now!
I throw the doors open and he follows me into the plush lobby, letting them slam shut behind him. It’s deserted and I’m thankful for that. I have a feeling what’s about to go down right now isn’t going to be pretty.
“Mind telling me what the fuck you’re up to?” Theo asks, his voice echoing off the high arched ceiling, his lips set into a hard line.
“I could ask the same thing of you!” I reply back snottily.
“Whatever for?”
“Who is Marisa, Theo? Why are you keeping secrets?” I ask, feeling ridiculous for having to utter the name again. Surely it’s obvious that’s what all of this is about.
“How do you even know anything about her?” His teeth are clenched and the veins in his neck protrude angrily.
“Your brother was very forthcoming. Too bad it’s the wrong Clarke opening up to me!”
“Why are you fucking talking to my brother, Leslie?” he howls loudly, putting his hands on the back of his neck and crouching over like he’s in pain.
“I’m glad I have! This Marisa girl seems to be a hot button for you. It makes me wonder what the hell you’re doing with me! Your family all seems to know about her. I’m the one in the dark here! Maybe you should give her a call and see if she’s still interested.” He shoots himself up straight again and stares at me thunderously.
“Don’t fucking talk about shite you know nothing about!” he shouts so loudly I flinch and take three steps back. I swear the grand chandelier rattles at the deafening volume. He swerves hard, fists clenched tightly at his sides. He reaches the large concrete wall and punches it furiously.
My eyes instantly well with tears and my whole body starts to quake. The familiarity of this scene is too much. Way too much. My flight or fight mode is here and she is demanding me to choose and choose quickly.
“Theo,” I say softly, feeling my heart break at the finality of what’s unfolding. He doesn’t even look at me as he presses his forehead against the wall, his shoulders rising and falling rapidly.
“You’re ruining me, Leslie.” His voice is guttural and pained. I could cry at the sound of it. “I had everything inside, locked away. Now you’re just shoving your way in without a thought. It’s too much.” He continues panting heavily against the wall, his hunched frame looking broken and defeated.
“I seem to remember you doing the initial shoving, Theo,” I say flatly, completely devoid of emotion. I feel myself disconnecting and floating up into the rafters, watching down on our spectacle with pursed lips of disappointment.
Fight or flight, Leslie. Now! You didn’t want any of this anyway!
Theo sucks in one more large breath and holds it high and tight, like I’ve seen him do before. I take my window of opportunity and turn and run out the grand lobby doors. As I burst out into the cool, night air, I could scream with relief when I see a row of cabs waiting at the curb. I jump in, telling the driver to go quickly and we take off around the bend.
I glance back at the door and see Theo’s frame running down the pavement in our direction, but we turn the corner and he’s gone in a flash. I throw my back against the seat and cry. Hard.
“You alright, love?” The cabbie asks, looking over his shoulder, clearly concerned. “D’ya need a hospital?”
“No,” I croak. “Just take me home. Brixton.”
I bite my fist trying to contain the urge to sob at the top of my lungs. Theo’s right, this is too much. For Theo and for
me. Why did I think he could be special? Why did I let him in? This is exactly everything I never wanted. This is exactly everything I’ve been trying to stay away from for five whole years. Nothing is worth this pain slicing through my heart right now. Nothing.
I’m not enough. I was never enough. I should have known. This is so similar to everything I grew up around. I pull my legs up to my chest to hug them for strength. This familiar feeling of inferiority is crippling. All those nights with Theo, all those words, all that chasing. It’s never been about me. It’s been about getting over Marisa.
I gave Theo Clarke a piece of what very little I had to give and now he’s left me with less than nothing.
We pull up outside my house and I cry even harder as my eyes land on our bright purple door and green climbing ivy. This is my safety. This is my home. My family. This is all I need. Nothing more.
I run inside and through the living room straight down the hall for Brody and Finley’s door. I bang on it loudly.
“Finley,” I cry, not even attempting to mask my emotional state.
Brody swings the door open, his eyes wide and wary as he takes in my mess of a face.
“Lez?” he says, questioningly, and pulls me into his chest, hugging me hard. “Are you alright?” I cry hard into him, willing the strength to return to my emotions so I can speak. “I need you to tell me, Leslie. What’s happened? I need to know now.” His tone is menacing. I pull back and wipe my nose on the back of my hand.
“Nothing for you to do anything about, Brody. I just need my best friend.”
“She’s in the tub. Go right in.” I nod silently and walk toward their closed en suite bathroom door, my chest heaving still with sobs.
“Leslie. Are you sure I don’t need to do anything—absolutely sure? Because honestly, I’d really rather do something than nothing in this moment.” Brody’s kind face breaks me. My face screws up into an ugly cry at his loving offer of protection and I run back across the room, smashing into his chest again. He bands his arms tightly around me, murmuring into my hair. “Shhh, Leslie. Shhh…you’re okay. You’re okay. We are always here for you. You know that, right?”
I sniff loudly and pull back. I bark out a depressed laugh at the absurdity of my actions. Brody silently brushes a tear off my cheek, smiling down at me sadly. He head-nods toward the door and I follow his direction.
I walk in and Finley is shoulders deep in their Jacuzzi tub with earbuds in. She must hear me because her eyes flutter open and turn to saucers as she sees me. Sitting up quickly, she splashes water all over the floor.
“Leslie, what? Oh my God! What?”
“I’m okay, Finny…I just need you,” I cry hard and she gestures for me to come over to the tub. I perch myself on the edge.
“I want to hug you but I don’t want to ruin your dress.”
“It’s ruined for me anyway.”
“No, Leslie! No! What happened?” She stands and grabs the towel on the shelf nearby, then steps gently out of the tub, wet bubbles cascading down her legs and onto the floor. Once she’s secured the towel tightly around her chest, she perches on the side of the tub next, wrapping one arm around me.
“I don’t even know, Fin. I just know he doesn’t want me anymore.” I cry even harder as I say the words out loud for the first time.
“How do you know that, Leslie?”
“There’s someone else, Fin. It’s this big secret that he won’t tell me.”
“That’s crazy. I’ve seen the way he looks at you. There is no way he’s ever looked at anyone else like that. That’s a one-time-only kind of love.”
“Love? Oh please, Fin. He doesn’t love me. He just liked me—and now that’s over. There’s no way someone like him can love someone like me.”
“Leslie,” she says, grabbing my cheeks in her hands and pinching me until it’s painful. I gape directly into her round eyes. “You stop that, right now! That man loves you like Brody loves me. He loves you.” She releases her tight grip and grabs my hand in hers. The pruneyness gives me the shivers.
“You didn’t see him tonight. He was aggressive and angry and scary. It’s all just gotten to be too much for me, Finley. I never wanted any of this to begin with.”
“And why is that?”
I shrug my shoulders, feeling the weight of the world pressing down on them.
“The cracks, Leslie. You’re keeping something from me. I know it.” I crumple over and my shoulders shake with silent sobs. “What is it, Lez? What have you not told me?”
I shake my head, “I didn’t want to ruin your thoughts of them.”
“Of who, Lez? I am so lost right now!”
“My parents.”
“What does any of this have to do with them?”
I sigh heavily and attempt to compose myself. “This was one crack I never wanted to tell anyone. I’ve just been too ashamed.” She remains silent, watching me with fifty different emotions fleeting across her face.
“My dad.” I swallow hard as those two words echo off the bathroom walls. I lean my elbows on my knees, staring at the floor, knowing that I won’t be able to get through this if I look at her. “It started as small things. I barely noticed them when I was younger. I used to just think my dad was really busy and stuff.” I sniff and wipe my nose on the back of my hand.
“Mom told me and Tom that she had a medical condition that made her bruise easily. She said all she would have to do is snap her bra too hard and she could bruise. It didn’t seem strange to us as kids—it just seemed normal! We didn’t know any better. And I think for the most part, the bruises were well concealed. I shudder to think what bruises we never saw.”
“Leslie, are you telling me your dad abused your mother?” I swallow hard and nod without looking at her. “Why would you be ashamed of that?”
My face pinches tightly at the pain in my heart. “I just let it happen, Finley! I knew what was going on and I never said anything! I never did anything! I never even acknowledged it to my own mother. I was scared. Yeah, I was a kid, but Jesus! It was my mom! And I just let her…” I sob loudly, a strange guttural sound filling the room.
“Oh my God, Leslie.”
“I know. I should have done something, told someone. Anything!” My mind attempts to flash back to the one time I did try to do something. But my shield shoves that memory back into the dark depths of my brain. I can’t tell Finley that part—not yet. It’s too raw. I’m still so ashamed. I don’t think my heart can handle that trip down memory lane after everything that’s happened tonight.
“Stop. Stop it right now.” She grabs my face hard again and turns it to look into her eyes. I cry harder when I see the sympathy smeared all over her features. It’s too much. “Leslie,” she cries softly, pulling me into a hug. I hug her back and wail harder than I’ve wailed in a long time. We both sit there holding each other and crying for what feels like ages when she finally pulls away and says, “How have you been living with this for so long and not told me? I thought we told each other everything! We’re best friends, Leslie!”
“It was easier to just ignore it. I think I always acted like the funny girl because I figured if people were too busy laughing, they wouldn’t be able to see through me. I don’t know…it’s how I’ve coped, I guess.”
“I feel like I don’t even know you anymore,” she says softly.
“I’m still me, Fin! I’m not going to change now that you know this about me. Being funny and upbeat is me. It’s who I am. It’s how I’ve lived my entire life. And despite being completely ashamed by not doing more for my mom when I could have, I still like me for the most part. But I don’t like this part of me, this secret that I’ve been living with. I hate it, in fact. It’s why I didn’t want to get involved with Theo—or any man for that matter. You can’t hide those dark parts of your soul from someone you’re in love with.”
“Are you in love with him?”
“No. No. He was scary tonight.”
“You were scared of him?�
�
“Yes! He punched a wall and shouted and…”
“Were you scared he’d hit you? Like your dad hit your mom?” she asks me, looking gravely serious.
I flinch at the way she says the words so cavalierly. And I immediately want to jump to Theo’s defense. Why is that? Why am I so quick to want to defend him? Was I scared of Theo tonight? Not really. No. Not of the violence. I think I was more afraid of the emotions bubbling below the surface. Could they really be love?
“I don’t know Theo like you do, Lez. But every time I’ve seen him, the one thing that that man has in truck loads…is passion. He’s passionate, Leslie. About you!” I roll my eyes. “I’m serious. Indifference in a man is nothing. Passion is everything! And you have to stop looking at yourself so negatively! You are not less of a person because of what your father did. You were a child.”
I nod silently, allowing her words to marinate into something that feels better than shame.
“Look at everything Theo did just to get you to date him! That is not something a timid, weak man like your father would have the balls to do. His passion is all for you, honey. I think if you let him in, you’ll be able to accept his love and not be so afraid.”
I think seriously about her words. Could Theo really love me? Am I ready for that love? Seeing him get so worked up triggered something in me and sent me running in the other direction—surely that can’t be good. But is his ferocity truly just passion—for me? None of this explains who the hell Marisa is!
“He’s keeping things from me, Finley.”
“Like what?”
“I don’t know for sure, but it’s something from his past. Something major.”
“Honey, if you guys haven’t even told each other you’re in love, then I think you’re still entitled to some secrets.” I scowl, not liking that answer yet unable to dispute it. This Marisa girl seems important somehow, based on the things Hayden has said. I need to know why this is such a hot button issue for Theo.
“What if it’s too late? What if I’ve ruined everything, Fin?” I cringe, thinking back to the moment I told the MC that my name was Marisa. Theo’s entire family were all so visibly shaken by me saying that. How could I ever return to them, expecting to be accepted after behaving so catty and immature?
