by Amy Daws
“You fight, Leslie. You fight for Theo like he fought for you.”
I swallow hard, feeling a strange sense of urgency punch through me. I’m not scared of Theo. I’m scared of losing Theo! I’m not ready to lose him. Not yet. I never thought I’d find a man that would break down all of my walls, and he has. This can’t be over.
I look up at Fin and she’s smiling proudly at me. “Go.”
***
CHAPTER THIRTY-FOUR
As I pull up in front of Theo’s flat, I feel a strange foreboding envelop over me. I’m not sure how Theo will accept me after what I’ve done and after I ran from him. Running from him in the past wasn’t something he took well, and I fear that after all we’ve shared it could cause permanent damage this time.
I pay the cabbie and punch the code into Theo’s concealed garage door. As it rises I see a light flicker off from within Theo’s shop. Theo’s car is still gone, so I’m confused with who would be in his shop at this hour. Maybe he got drunk after I left and took a cab home?
I glance into his shop through the window on the door and all appears dark, but something urges me to check Hayden’s office. I walk quietly into the shop, listening for voices from behind Hayden’s office door.
I press my ear up to the door and hear a heavy pant and fast whooshes of air being blown out over and over. Wanting to see it with my own eyes, I twist the handle and open the door slowly, my pupils adjusting to the dim lighting in the room.
Nothing can prepare me for the image before my eyes. Nothing can prepare me for the horror that beseeches me.
Crumpled over his legs in a ball on the edge of the tiny loveseat, is Hayden. His head rises as he looks up at me with a haunted expression. My eyes flash around the room to figure out what’s the matter. It’s then that I see it.
A huge, lake-sized puddle of blood all over the floor.
A loud clanking reverberates in the room as the gleam of a round saw blade catches in the low lighting. It’s covered in blood. Hayden pants quickly and holds his hands to his chest, looking forward.
“You shouldn’t be here.” His voice is harsh and cutting. “You’re too…”
His body tips forward suddenly and he flies forward to the ground, catching his head on the corner of the desk before landing.
“Hayden!” I cry, running to him as he falls. I skid on my knees to a stop beside him on the cold blood-covered floor. I roll him to his back so his head lies on my lap and he blinks up slowly, gazing at the ceiling. The wound from where his head hit the desk starts seeping bright, angry blood. “Oh my God, Hayden!” I repeat, unsure what else to do in this moment.
“I’m sorry, Leslie,” he utters in a struggled whisper, his eyes fluttering open and looking up at me with pitiful tears.
“Nothing to be sorry for, Hayden. I’m sorry,” I cry out, feeling like an utter fool of helplessness. The wound on his head begins seeping more and more blood, so I grab the edge of my skirt strewn out around me. I bite my lip and press it to his wound, attempting to slow the increased bleeding.
I look down at Hayden’s wrists to survey the other damage. They too are still bleeding, but not nearly as much as they must have been originally to draw that much blood. His eyes flutter open and closed as he appears to drift in and out of consciousness. I reach out and grab his hands to hold them tightly down against his chest. My knees and shoes scrape harshly over the top of the sawdust on the blood-covered flooring.
My chin begins wobbling uncontrollably. “Why, Hayden?” I cry out, full-on bawling at this point. I am not equipped to handle a scene like this. What do I even do? I search quickly for my phone and see it sitting back by the door all the way across the room.
“It’s just too much. It’s all just too much,” he answers, and his face crumples into a harsh cry. I immediately wish I didn’t ask the question.
“I gotta call 999 Hayden, okay? Okay? You’re gonna be okay. We’re gonna fix this.” I slide his head off of my lap and crawl on my hands and knees over to my purse. They’re shaking so uncontrollably that I stumble over the numbers several times before getting it right. I call using speakerphone and set the phone down on the desk. My phone is smeared in blood, causing me to look at my hands. I’m horrified by the image of them covered in blood. I look around the entire scene, alarmed at the massive amounts of blood everywhere. “There’s still time,” I add, for myself as much as Hayden.
The operator comes on and I don’t even know what I’m saying to her. I think I tell her the address for Theo’s flat, but I can’t be sure. I can’t even be sure it was a woman on the other end of the line. All I’m sure of is Theo’s brother…on my lap…covered in blood. He stares blankly at the ceiling, tears trickling down his temples and into his hairline. He whispers he’s sorry repeatedly. I keep shushing him and assuring him it’s going to be okay.
I blink and the paramedics are barreling into the office with bags and equipment. One paramedic places his hands gently on my shoulders and lifts me to my feet while two others huddle around Hayden. He leads me through the shop and out to the garage where the swirling light of the ambulance spins around and around. The lights make my head spin and I drop down to my knees feeling suddenly woozy.
“Miss, are you injured?” the man asks, crouching in front of me trying to get my eye contact on him. I can’t seem to focus on his face or his voice. All I can focus on is the thumping of my heart in my chest cavity. It’s as if I can feel every valve, vessel, and vein retract and contract with a sickening gushing sensation.
“Miss…are you alright?” the voice asks again. I hear the screech of tires, snapping me out of my internal pulse. Suddenly, I see Theo barreling toward me.
“Christ, Leslie! What happened?” He squats down next to me and goes to wrap his arm around me but he’s prevented.
“Sir, you’re going to have to step back, I’m assessing her for injuries.”
“Fuck! Where’s all the blood coming from?”
“Sir, we’re trying to get to the bottom of it.”
“Leslie, where are you hurt, baby? Please. Tell him.”
“Not me,” I say in a small whisper.
“What do you mean?” Theo asks, sounding confused.
“Your brother.” I swallow hard and feel a wetness streaming down my face as I stare at a groove in the concrete floor. I dab at my face, finding that I’m full-on crying. My hands, face, and dress are covered in dirt and blood—and now, wet tears. I finally am able to look over at Theo and focus on his features. His jaw drops in shock as he realizes his brother is injured. He turns around and dashes into his shop.
“So, you’re not injured anywhere?” the paramedic asks once Theo is out of sight.
“No. It’s not my blood.”
“Thank goodness for that.” He wraps me in a scratchy wool blanket, rubbing my arms reassuringly. A moment later the paramedics are gliding a stretcher out of the doorway, right past me.
“Hayden. God, Hayden,” Theo says, walking alongside the stretcher. Hayden’s face looks pale and chalky. He’s blinking, but his vision looks unfocused. Theo watches them load his brother into the back. I hear him ask them what hospital and say he’ll be there shortly.
As Theo watches the ambulance pull away, I find I’m still sitting on the same spot on the floor in the dark garage. I haven’t moved since the paramedic ushered me out here. Theo strides over to me and lifts me up in his arms without hesitation. I hold onto him, but feel stiff and unsure of what’s going on right now. He opens his passenger side door and guides me in, then jogs around to the driver’s side.
“Buckle up, please.” I buckle and we drive in deathly silence for what feels like hours, but in reality is probably just seconds. Suddenly, a sob erupts from Theo.
“Theo,” I say, but he just cries harder at my scratchy voice. “Theo, please! Pull over. You’re scaring me.” Just as I say that, we pass a small parking ramp illuminated in yellow lighting. He whips in and slams the car in park, throws his door open, and ju
mps out taking long, fast strides away from the vehicle.
He grips a round concrete beam and screams at the top of his lungs, followed by a million different expletives. His voice carries deafeningly loud inside the parking ramp. He then coughs out a harsh cry as his shoulders shake manically. I jump out from my seat and run over to him.
He turns when he hears me approaching. “Leslie, God.” He rushes over and meets me halfway, wrapping his arms around my waist and lifting me in a tight hug. We stay that way, completely still for a moment while all the tension, anger, and fear radiate between us. His chest heaves with soft cries and I stroke my hand down the back of his short hair, uttering gentle shhhs in his ear. He sets me down onto my feet and looks desperately into my eyes, feasting on every single tiny feature.
“When I walked in, I thought…I thought…” he stops mid-sentence and grips my hands tightly in his. He presses his forehead to mine and releases a shaky breath.
“I’m okay,” I croak, trying to soothe his anxiety.
“Then you said it was Hayden and my heart dropped. I thought he was dead. When I came in and he was lying there, blinking…his eyes open…and alive…I couldn’t even breathe.”
I stifle a sob thinking back to all that blood and the terrified expression on Hayden’s face. “Is he going to make it?” I croak, feeling panicky.
He strokes my cheek gently. “The paramedics think he’ll be okay. He was still conscious when they left and they said that’s a good sign.”
I exhale heavily, feeling a huge weight lift. “Why would he do that tonight of all nights?”
Theo bites his tongue off to the side and looks down. Finally he murmurs, “This isn’t the first time Hayden’s done something like this.” The comment stuns me and then all the puzzle pieces of the family’s affiliation with the suicide benefit click into place. “We should get going though.” He kisses my forehead chastely. “We can talk more after I check on Hayden.”
I nod quickly and we get back into his car and he takes my blood-dried hand in his, completely oblivious to the mess I am on the outside.
“I’ll take you home, but I can’t stay. I need to get to the hospital.”
“Why are you taking me home?” I ask, feeling like I’m being cast aside. He looks over at me in confusion. “I care too, Theo!” His jaw drops slightly and a frown mars his features. “Unless…” I start, and then look back out the window.
“Unless what?”
“Unless you don’t want me there. After everything tonight…”
“Leslie, I want you everywhere. Always.” I suck in a quick breath, his words are blanketing the open wounds inside my heart.
“I’m sorry about tonight, Theo. I don’t need to know who Marisa is. I don’t care anymore. I care about you. You don’t have to tell me anything.”
“Leslie,” he says, exhaling heavily and pinching his eyes together in pain.
“No, really, Theo. I don’t need to know. You don’t want to tell me and I need to respect that. I care about you enough to respect that.”
“You don’t know because I don’t want you to know. Not because I’m keeping a secret from you,” he snaps slightly and looks out the side window as if warring with himself. “It’s horrific and traumatic as fuck. Not dissimilar from tonight.”
I remain silent, not sure how to respond to that.
“You finally brought light back into my life, Leslie. The last thing I want to do is drag you into this fucking darkness.” He slams his hand on the wheel, frustration rippling down his limbs.
“Pot. Meet kettle.” He frowns at my comment. “I was in darkness before you, too, Theo. Darkness is life. We can’t avoid it forever.” I cringe at my words and wish I could take them back because they make me the biggest hypocrite ever.
He glances at me, his eyes shiny with residual tears. “You’re right. I will tell you, Leslie. You need to know. But please know that this was never about you.” He kisses my hands and pinches every fingertip softly as if reminding himself that I’m real and not a figment of his imagination. “Are you sure you want to come to the hospital?”
“Yes.”
“Okay. We’ll talk after.” He kisses my hand briefly, and then exhales with relief? Happiness? I can’t tell.
***
CHAPTER THIRTY-FIVE
We arrive at the hospital and a nurse tells Theo they are treating his brother and we should sit in the waiting room. Theo strolls back over to where I’m hiding, embarrassed by the state of my dress. He guides me into the small, private waiting area and proceeds to call his parents and Liam. I slip into a nearby bathroom to wash my hands and face. Looking at my face in the mirror, I barely recognize myself—I look like I’ve been through hell and back. I sob quietly for a moment, trying to get it all out so I can be strong in front of Theo.
I decide to call Finley and explain what happened so I can get a grip on myself somewhat. She immediately offers to bring me some clean clothes, which I’m immensely grateful for. My beautiful dress is now, in fact, very ruined. I hope Ameerah isn’t too upset. I’m sure once I explain things to her she’ll understand.
Before Theo’s family arrives, he tells me all about how this is Hayden’s third attempt at suicide. The first two times involved pills, booze, and reckless driving—landing him in the hospital for weeks. It’s terrifying to think about. For Hayden to choose tonight of all nights to attempt a suicide must have been a real cry for help. I shudder every time I picture that horrific scene. It’s an image that will live with me until the day I die.
Richard, Winnie, and Daphney arrive moments later. Winnie takes in the sight of me and blubbers loudly in the hallways and pulls me down into a hug. Her robust chest is soft and warm—I find myself crying at the maternal contact I hadn’t realized I’ve been so dearly missing.
She pulls back and eyes me seriously. “I hear we still have our son tonight because of you,” she blurts out, still sobbing, and my face twists with emotions. “Come now, honey. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you cry.”
“I’m sorry about earlier tonight. That scene I caused. I didn’t mean it.” She shakes her head dismissively at me. “This is all my fault,” I cry into her arms, feeling the weight of the world on top of me.
“Hush now, darling. This is no one’s fault. This is a sad, awful situation and I can’t imagine what would have happened to Hayden if you hadn’t arrived when you did. Don’t you apologize to me ever again, do you hear me?”
“Thank you,” I smile sadly. I don’t deserve her forgiveness but I’ll take it.
“What you’ve given our Theo—and now our Hayden—it’s we who should be saying thank you, Leslie. Thank you for saving…” she stops herself before she loses it again. Theo’s dad, Richard, comes over and smiles kindly at me, taking his wife’s hand.
“Words can’t explain, Leslie,” he says stoically, a brief look of sentiment cast over his face. He half-smiles and leads Winnie over to the waiting room chairs.
Finley shows up a moment later with a duffle bag in tow. “Hey,” she croons sadly at me.
“Hey.” I get up from the waiting area to hug her. Theo does the same and I’m momentarily touched by his gesture and how at ease he is in this whole situation.
“I packed you a couple different things. I didn’t know what you wanted to wear. Also a toothbrush, and shampoo, and a hairdryer, and…”
“You went a little overboard.”
“Yeah,” she smiles dumbly. “If you need anything—anything at all—text, call, carrier pigeon…I got you, okay? You too, Theo.”
“Thanks, Finley,” he says softly.
“Stealing my job?” Liam’s voice cuts into our conversation. We all turn to look at him in surprise. “Hi guys,” he briefly takes in the state of my dress but smiles kindly at me like he doesn’t notice. “Now Finley, you can’t be overly helpful or I won’t have anything to do and then I’ll feel like a prat.”
She chuckles and looks at Liam fondly. “Okay, we can share the duti
es.”
“Fair enough,” he grins and winks at her.
“I’ll see you later, k?” Finley says, turning back to me and hugging me tightly. I’m hesitant to let her go but Theo’s reassuring hand on my back gives me the courage.
Winnie, Richard, Daphney, Liam, Theo, and I are all waiting impatiently for some information. It’s horribly quiet and awkward. To have someone in the hospital for self-inflected wounds changes what you hope for. Of course we all want Hayden to be okay physically, but I think the majority of us are sitting here stunned by how truly injured he is mentally and what we all could have done to see the signs sooner. The physical stuff is just a direct reflection of it all.
A short, curvy brunette with sleeve tattoos comes running into the waiting room, looking flustered and out of breath. “Winnie…Daph texted me. I hope it’s okay I came by.”
“Rey! Oh, honey…” Winnie flops into another fit of sobs as they hug. Liam breathes loudly right next to me and looks pointedly at Theo.
“I forgot that Daph would have texted her,” Theo whispers urgently across my body toward Liam, who is seated on my opposite side.
Liam shakes his head dismissively and stands up. Theo rises quickly, placing a soothing hand on his shoulder.
“I’m sorry, mate. I want to be here for you…but I can’t.” Liam swallows hard, glancing at Rey again. “I just can’t.”
“Liam,” Theo starts, trying to get his attention.
Rey looks over at the sound of his voice and she’s frozen in place at the sight of Liam. They exchange a heated look and she politely breaks away from Winnie.
She hurries over to us looking down at her shoes as she walks. She’s obviously extremely nervous and uncomfortable about something.
“Liam,” she starts, but he starts walking out of the waiting room and down the hall. He pauses briefly, looking back at her, his eyes casting downward more than into her eyes.
