Color Blind

by Leigh Lennon

  “Thanks, Monroe,” I reply, taking Candace’s hand in mine. “Ah, sweet baby girl, I love you. I’ll see you when you wake up.” It’s all I say when Monroe and Doc Jock tell me they’ll be taking it from here and wheel my world away from me. The next thing I know, I’m swept up into strong arms, not Iz’s but Lang’s, as his body is the only thing that keeps me up right. Turning to him, I’m all apologies. “Hell, Lang. I’m so sorry.” I look up and see a long scratch on his face. “Fuck, I’m so sorry.”

  “It’s okay, Eliza.” I like how he calls me Eliza. Elizabeth is certainly no more and the name Liz is only allowed by two people in this world—one just got rolled back for brain surgery and as I search the hall, the other one is nowhere in sight.

  Back in our personal waiting room, my body is turned from the door, watching the sprawling land I know as my new home turn from mid-afternoon to evening. Everyone’s rushing to his or her family when the only thing I have left to call mine is fighting for her life under the knife. I’ve not seen Iz since before I sat with Candace several hours earlier. When the door opens, my body twists from the view of L.A. to Lang. I honestly thought it was Iz. Where is he?

  The mind is a funny thing. One second my body is fighting my heart, pushing him away, the next it’s begging for him to return to me. In the room with Candace, I swore I’d keep her safe and I can’t start a life with Iz with so much more between us.

  Yet, I long for the grip in which he tugs me into the sweet embrace that’s only him. But my heart belongs elsewhere, even if forever is the one thing I long for from him. Balancing on a teeter-totter of emotions, I push away from the window when Lang offers me coffee.

  “Shitty coffee, but I’ll take it any day of the week.” In his smirk, the only time I’ve seen anything other than regret since attacking him earlier, I laugh. “We’re in our own private hospital, basically, so this isn’t shitty coffee, is it?”

  He shakes his head and I take a sip. If Starbucks and my Keurig were to merge, this would be its product. As much as my unsettled stomach can’t take solids, it will always welcome coffee.

  “Shit, I should have known.” I don’t want to touch this subject, but it’s all I can think about with Candace under a world-renowned surgeon’s care. “Listen, Lang, I’m not sure how I’ll cover this bill. It’s just Candace and me so I’ve not looked into insurance yet. But I’ll pay whatever. I appreciate you finding the best for my sister.”

  He waves his hand at me. “Eliza, I’m not sure how it happened but Candace is something else. She’s shared very little with me about her childhood, but anything she holds dear is all because of you and all the sacrifices you’ve made for her. She’s let me see a little of the scared girl your ass hat of a dad and bitch of a step-mom promoted in her.” He scrubs his five o’clock shadow with one hand and scratches the back of his neck with the other, standing a little closer to me.

  “I guess what I’m trying to say is, I’m not going anywhere. I understand you want to do this on your own and you’ll succeed. I’ve seen you. You scared me with Hudson’s contract and I don’t scare; even under the scariness of Israel Laita. But I’m going to help take care of Candy and do whatever it takes to restore the strong person I know is hiding behind the scared girl. So, if I pay for her medical bills, which I already have, don’t be pissed. It’s me helping Candy, not trying to get in the middle of you striking independence from every fucker of a man that’s hurt you.”

  Wow, if I wasn’t already in love with Iz, Lang’s little prologue may have made me fall for him. Bottom line, this man loves my sister. I can see it and honestly as much as I didn’t want Iz to dole out the costs for Candace, it gives me the ability to breathe a little easier.

  I embrace him. “Fuck, Langston. If you didn’t have my blessing before, which you sort of did,” I smirk a bit his way when he laughs, “you do now and not because of covering the medical bills, but for caring for my sister and seeing her as most miss—the amazing girl she is.” Pulling back from him, I finally ask, “Do you know where Iz is?’

  When he looks away from me, I know the answer. Iz left. I guess I have myself to blame, I’ve been as hot and cold as the lyrics to Candace’s favorite Katy Perry song. I can’t help but laugh at the memories of her cranking that song over and over again. I grab my cell and headphones, finding my playlist. The words permeate my mind, as it’s the best way to describe my reaction to Iz, but also pay homage to my sister.

  I fall asleep to Katy Perry’s song on repeat, when Lang startles me out of a restless slumber. “Liz, the doctor’s here.”

  I pop out of the La-Z-Boy, dropping my phone on the tile floor, and the screen cracks in a million pieces. Looking at my very dead cell, I mutter, “Fucking par for the course.” But my attention shifts to Doc Jock. My heart has to be deafening to those around since it’s beating like a drum in my chest. I reach out to steady myself on the wall, as Doc scrubs his perfect Rob Lowe face and a smile peeks from the edge of his lips.

  “Candy is very lucky. I’d categorize her TBI as moderate. Sure, there was lots of bleeding but I'm encouraged. That’s not to say she won’t have her work ahead of her. She’ll have some delayed speech possibly when she wakes and her memory may be a little hazy. We’ll be monitoring her; for how long though, I don’t know. This was a traumatic brain injury so her recovery will be slow at times but with hard work, I have no doubt she’ll overcome.”

  The tears are dripping from my eyes and I’m overwhelmed with uncontrollable shivers, shaking every part of my body. I barely utter, “Are you sure? I mean, what about complications, Doc?” When it comes to Candace, on the outside most everyone thinks her life has been easy but that’s the farthest thing from the truth.

  “Sure, there are certain things we’ll be looking for and as long as she’s here, she will have round the clock care. So we’re optimistic. She’s in recovery for now. And in a normal hospital, she’d be in ICU for as long as she remains in her coma but here,” his face gives way to the briefest of smiles, “we bring the ICU to her room. We’ll have to limit guests to you, Langston, and Iz. But we’ll make her room whatever she needs.”

  I nod in agreement. I guess if you have more money than you know what to do with, you can make something anything you want. “Eliza, I have to warn you; we don’t know when Candace will wake.”

  Lang puts his arms around me and though I’d like my strong quarterback near, I’ll take the comfort of the man who loves my sister. “You mean you have no idea how long she’ll be asleep?” I wonder.

  Doc Jock looks at me and then over at Lang. “It’s going to be a while. I know you won’t like this, but she’ll need you when she wakes up. I think you and Lang should take shifts.”

  Before I can say anything, he turns to me and yells, “Dibs, me first!”

  I don’t hold back my giggle, something has brought me a slight joy, even for a second as my laugh out loud chuckle fills the air. “What are we, five, Lang?”

  “If it works,” he says, taking his phone and making some calls. “Your cell has apparently seen better days. I’ll have one delivered to Iz’s penthouse for you. A car is on its way to take you to Iz’s place.”

  “I’m not fucking leaving, Lang. I can sleep here.”

  He physically takes his foot and stomps it. “No, even if you just go back to Iz’s to take a shower and change. Come back in a few hours. I’ll contact you the second we know anything. Iz is expecting you.” Fuck, I don’t have the strength to fight with Lang at this point. I turn; next destination—Iz—and I have no idea what I’ll say to him.

  15 years ago

  The doctor that performs the DNC tells me I should be able to still have children one day. My daddy stands at my bed when the news is delivered while I weep. Yeah, I guess it’s good news I can have children still, after the brute force of my daddy shoving me down the steps, but my grief swells through me. I’d never know Iz’s baby or see his or her chestnut eyes or hear a laugh escape my baby’s lips. We would have given
the world for that child.

  “It’s your consolation prize, Liz.” His timbre is cold and where he’d never been the warmest of men, I’d believed he’d always had my best interest in mind.

  “Leave. Just leave me be for now,” I beg and he turns without hesitation.

  Before closing the door behind him, as he lets the doctor out first, he pauses, “I’ll still allow you to take Candace to Harvard with you. I have found a nanny to help. Harvard is pushing through your acceptance. This is what I’m willing to offer you, Liz. I’m not letting you throw your future away for that man.” He’s gone and with that, so is the dream of holding Iz’s baby one day.

  26

  Israel

  I didn’t realize I had left, until I walked into my house. Shifting the gears to my Porsche, going through the green lights, it was all monotonous until the security system greeted me upon entry. “Hello, Mr. Laita. Can I get anything for you?” This is a little security precaution Lang built in for special safeguards. This is where I can share my duress code if the situation ever arrives or I simply answer no thank you, which I do.

  Passing the kitchen that leads to the large living space, the same place Liz had just rocked my world, I sit more disturbed than before. The darkness of the night has taken over and even from my couch I’m still witness to the majesty that’s the L.A. skyline.

  My security beeps with a text alert and I ask the house to read it. It’s funny how now I see my home as alive due to Lang’s little tech device. We have quite the little nest egg due to this corporation he begged me to invest in.

  “Mr. Laita. You have one text. From Lang. Candy made it through surgery.” My heart starts to beat again. I can’t believe I’d been so callous to Liz’s feelings toward Candy, especially now. The message continues, “Liz broke her phone. Will have one delivered. She’s on her way to shower. See if you can get her to rest. I’ll call if Candy wakes but the doc doesn’t expect her to. Oh, btw, I’m paying Candy’s bills. Liz had no choice. Case closed.”

  Well, thank fuck for that. But now Liz will be here—Hell, I’m not sure I can see or face her. A big problem will occur, I can’t bite my tongue. Even though she has a shit ton of crap on her own plate, I’m not sure how long I can hold this in.

  Music is what I need in the background to drown out this heartbreak that’s swirling within me now. I command SOPHIE, “Play Sound Garden.” Of course, the first song is “Black Hole Sun.” Again, when it comes to Liz, these songs are truly the albums of our past. It’s only thirty seconds before the chorus plays, “And wash away the rain.” I chuckle because the shit storm that has come upon us needs to be washed away. I sit theorizing Sound Garden’s lyrics for a while, my mind lost in my own world.

  Thinking I need to get my shit together, it’s only a minute before I hear the online security announce, “Eliza Parker is at the door, Mr. Laita.”

  This is where tech has made us completely fucking lazy. Responding to SOFIE, because all new tech has to be named after a girl in some sort of way, I say, “Let her in and turn off the music.” The door unlocks as the music stops.

  Liz calls for me from the door and in return I yell, “I’m in here, Buttercup.”

  Her hurried footsteps make it to the entryway of my living room when I stand. I see a tight smile form behind her mouth and her eyes try to respond to the happy news she’s been given. If I didn’t know any better, she’s happy to see me. “Iz,” it’s in that single two-letter word that her lips form my name, I know she’s about to sling herself around my body when she narrows the distance between us.

  She’s in a hurry. I can see it in her strides and the determination with her lips pinched and her arms reaching for me. Soon, there’s but a couple centimeters that separate us. “Iz.”

  Reaching my index finger to cover her lips, she smiles until she hears the words. “I know the truth, Liz. I know what you’ve been keeping from me all these years and why you’d choose Candy over our own child.”

  Her eyes narrow into mine as she crooks her head to the side. “What?” Her mind hasn’t caught up to my words yet.

  “I know, Liz. Candy—she’s your daughter.”

  15 years ago

  Life is meaningless without Liz. Sure, I’ve not had a chance to be lonely, with school and my new bud Lang who’s always coming up with a get rich quick scheme. Though with his off the charts intelligence and the way he can charm the pants off a nun, I think he’ll do fine in life.

  I’m going on a date tonight with the little hot number who looks like Liz. I don’t know her well, she isn’t anything like Liz and maybe that’s what I need.

  But as I sit in my dorm, willing myself to move on, I grab my phone. I never fought for us and before I truly put the past behind me, I have to give it one more try. Fumbling for her contact information in my cell, I take in a deep breath, steadying myself for the sound of her voice; hoping at the same time I’m not too late.

  The automated tone of a disconnected number soars in my ears and I want to slam my cell across the room. Having written her home phone down at one time, I take the chance she may still be in Charleston.

  When the familiar voice of her father answers the phone, I stand firm in not letting this SOB railroad me. “Mr. Declan, this is Israel Laita. I’d like to talk to Liz, please.”

  His laugh is a universal middle finger to my request and before I can hang up, he continues, “You can’t accept I won. I’ll always win when it comes to my daughter.”

  Sure, I’ve dealt with hate before in my life but this has been a new level of evilness and I’m not sure it has a label. “Sir, I just want to speak with Liz, make sure she’s okay. After all you did, you owe me this much.”

  “Son, I don’t owe you jack shit. Stay away from my daughter. She wants nothing to do with you. How else do you think she can support herself? She can’t rely on you. She needs me and that is what she chose.”

  The line goes blank and I always assumed it was the money. On the off chance it’s not, I sit down to send her an email to the only address I have.

  Liz,

  Choose us, choose me. We can make it work.

  I love you. That has to count for something.

  Iz

  I leave for my date with the super hot cheerleader, though my mind is on another woman. It’s not fair to her, I understand that but throughout the entire date, all I want to do is rush back to my dorm and check my computer for Liz’s response.

  27

  Liz

  The words drip from his mouth so easily, as if it’s not the secret I’ve tried to lock-away for twenty-one years. When have I been so reckless—it has to have been something he overheard. Did he hear my confession to Candy or when I uttered the words to the doctor, the first time I’ve admitted it out loud since handing her over to my own mother? The memory of that day is as vivid as yesterday when I kissed her, placing her in Mama’s hands, bestowing on her the only name I ever considered for my daughter.

  Reaching for a support, I lean down to grab the couch near Iz. I clutch at my heart when my breathing becomes labored. I’d been ready to spill everything earlier and though I needed to see Iz, his large protective arms holding me tightly, this is a secret I swore just five hours ago I’d never share with him.

  My knees suddenly can’t hold me and I fall back out of his arms and against the same couch I sat on earlier today while sharing with Iz that I’d lost his baby. I’m paralyzed in my anxiety and guilt—everything I’ve protected Candace against is coming back at me ten-fold.

  I sit with his eyes on me when I attempt to justify my decisions, even after all these years. My anger is so fertile right now, it grows within me still. As if I’d just been told the man who got me pregnant never loved me, just my money. His words, “I never signed up for this,” still haunt me. For that reason, I can’t ever tell Candace about her father.

  My hands, in a constant state of tremors, find their way to my face as I bury my head in them. The large presence of Iz is nearin
g in on me when his fingers find the spot on my head followed by a soft kiss from his lips.

  The couch shifts under his weight and in a second, like he did that day Daddy took Candace from me without so much as a goodbye, he holds me again like we’ve been transported back to that day. He’s my lifeline.

  “Buttercup,” he whispers lightly into my ear, “it’s okay. It’s not your secret to bear anymore. I’m here for you. I see it now.” His timbre never changes from the soft tone. “From the beginning, I see every little clue or sign that leads us to where we are and fuck, if I could ever eat my words I said earlier—I would. You didn’t choose your sister over our baby—you were balancing what was best for both your children. Fuck, Liz, I feel like I’ve let you down.”

  I’ve dropped my own hands as his are dispelling every tear before they can make their way down my cheeks. Bringing my face to his, within an inch, he continues, “Liz, you’re not in this alone anymore, honey. I’m a father. There isn’t one thing I’d not do to move heaven and earth for Nev and if I could take back what I said, I get it. Shit, babe, I get it.”

  “Iz, it was never meant…”

  “Ssh, Buttercup, it’s okay. I want to listen. I want to know—everything, and if you can’t tell me it all right now, it’s okay.” I think this is over, or at least he’s waiting for me to share but he continues, “I’m not going anywhere. I’m here for you. You’re mine and fuck, after today, seeing your ex makin’ you cower in fear and then me causing you pain with my own words, I’m here. You understand me?” I only stare. After all I’ve kept from him this is his response, to care for me. “Liz, Buttercup, please tell me you understand.”

  In a split second, I throw my arms around his solid frame with such velocity it throws us both off balance. He catches me but tilts his head back and sees me, really sees through all the bullshit I’ve had to keep to myself for years. There’s a release in this second and it all comes undone with Iz. Nothing is said. Like before, just days ago though it seems like months, he extends his hand to mine. He grips my own hand so tight; afraid I’ll be stupid enough to allow him to walk out of my life another time. I don’t see that happening anytime soon.