PUCKED Up

by Helena Hunting

  “Take something! My arms are about to fall off,” she bellows when I let her in.

  She’s laden with bags. She unloads everything but one of them into my arms, which leaves me unable to ensure the security of my towel. It feels loose.

  “I think your neighbor might be a porn star or something.” Vi crosses to the kitchen and drops her bag on the counter. Two lemons roll out and bounce to the floor.

  “Why do you think that? Did you see her up close? Does she have huge fake boobs?”

  “Why is it always about the boobs? Three guys were in the elevator with me on the way up. They were all disgustingly buff, and they knocked on your neighbor’s door.”

  “And she answered it naked?”

  “No, I didn’t see her. I’m surmising based on the sounds we heard this morning. And they were talking about how hard it is to have a four-hour hard-on.”

  “Really?”

  “No. I made up the last part. But who else has three overly buff guys with unattractive faces over unless they’re in the adult movie industry?”

  What my neighbor does or doesn’t do for a living isn’t something I care about right now, so I derail the conversation by asking an unrelated question. “How’s Sunny? How soon is she gonna be here? Did you make sure the waxer played nice?”

  “She’s good. Excited and nervous. I didn’t ask about the trim job they gave her beaver. I dropped her off at Alex’s on my way here. She’s getting ready, and then she’s getting a ride over. You’ve got half an hour.” She bends down to pick up a fallen lemon.

  I’m still holding the bags, and there’s something cold inside. It feels nice so I haven’t set them down yet. Violet’s face is at waist level when my towel unravels and falls to the floor.

  “Oh my God!” She gets an eyeful of my man snake. He’s dangling out there for the world to see. Well, the world inside my apartment. “What the fuck, Buck?”

  She rears up and throws the lemon. It hits me in the cheek, which is surprising. Maybe Alex has been teaching her how to play sports. He’s braver than I thought.

  I move behind the island to hide my junk. “It’s your damn fault for handing over all that crap!”

  “My fault? You knew I was coming up! Why wouldn’t you put on some clothes before you open the damn door?”

  I set everything on the counter and retrieve my towel from the floor. “I was washing that shit off my arms. It didn’t work by the way. Look at this!” I hold out my raw, red forearms. Most of the hair is still there, with small irregular patches missing.

  Vi stops freaking out about seeing my junk, frowns, and grabs my wrist.

  “Ow! Don’t do that.” I slap her hand, and she lets go.

  “That is not supposed to happen. Did you have an allergic reaction?”

  “Maybe. I couldn’t even keep it on the whole time. I don’t know what the actual benefit of that crap is. It stinks, and it takes forever. It’s like I’m molting.”

  “Like a yeti in the spring.” She’s grinning like the jerk she is.

  “It’s not funny!”

  “How long did you have it on for?”

  “I made it to the forty-minute mark before it felt like it was eating off my skin.” The burning sensation is back, and it’s getting worse.

  “You’re only supposed to keep it on for twenty minutes.”

  “I thought it said fifty. That seemed like a damn long time.”

  “It’s probably a chemical burn.” Instead of doing what she normally does, which is make me feel like an idiot, Vi turns the tap on and ushers me over to the sink. “I’m sorry. This was a bad idea.”

  Cold water eases the burn. She plugs the sink, gets an ice cube tray out of the fridge, and dumps it in. The cold water stings first, then numbs.

  “What am I gonna do? Sunny’s gonna be here soon, and it looks like I have flesh-eating disease.”

  “It’s not that bad.”

  I look at my forearms and then at her.

  “It could be a lot worse. You can wear long sleeves to cover it up.”

  “Maybe.” I’m not sure that’ll work out so well. It’s hot as balls, and I have a feeling anything touching my arms is going to sting like a bitch. This is worse than the time I went to Cancun and forgot to wear sunscreen. I was the color of a lobster for the entire week.

  Vi does a quick search on the Internet. I put some antibiotic ointment on the worst spots—where most of the hair is missing—but I don’t want to be too liberal with Sunny on her way here. I take one of the painkillers they gave me after Waters broke my nose and hunt down the numbing spray I pilfered the last time I got stitched up during a game. It stings like a motherpucker, but once it takes effect, it feels a lot better. By the time we’re done managing my chemical burn, it’s five minutes to five. Sunny’s punctual. I’m only wearing a pair of shorts.

  Vi cleans up the kitchen and puts all the crap away in the bathroom while I throw on clean clothes, including the bikini briefs from the bag. I’m right; I can hardly get my parts to fit inside, but it’s too late to turn back now.

  Vi meets me at the door when the buzzer goes off. She cringes at the state of my arms. “Everything’s a go. The vegan menu is on the counter with all of Sunny’s favorites highlighted. Order one of each, and you’ll be golden.”

  “Okay. Thanks for all your help, except the arm cream.”

  “Does it hurt a lot?”

  “It feels like I doused them in acid and threw some vinegar on them for good measure.”

  “I’m sorry. I’ll eat ice cream as penance when I get home. Put gauze on it before you go to bed, or you’ll stick to your sheets.” She gives me a huge hug. “I’d wish you luck, but coming from me it’s like the kiss of death.”

  I follow her to the door, clear my throat even though it’s not scratchy, and hit the intercom button. “Hello?”

  “Miller? It’s Sunny.”

  “Hey! Right on time. I’ll buzz you in.”

  “Okay. See you in a minute.”

  Vi slips on her blinged-out flip-flops, pats me on the cheek, and leaves. I do one more check through the condo to make sure I haven’t left any crap lying around, spray my arms with the numbing solution again, rinse with mouthwash, make sure the wine is chilling in the fridge since Sunny likes white, and wait for her to knock on the door. After a couple minutes there’s still nothing, so I peek out into the hallway.

  She’s out there, except she’s standing in front of my neighbor’s door. “Hey,” I say before she raises her hand to knock. If Vi’s right about my neighbor being a porn star, she’s the last person I want Sunny to meet right now.

  She stops and looks my way, her confusion turning into a smile. “I almost knocked on the wrong door,” she whispers and tiptoes down the hall toward me. She’s wearing a summery dress. It’s off white with wide straps. I doubt she’s wearing a bra. The promise of fall gives a chill to the evening air. If she gets cool enough, I might be able to see her nipples through it. I stop thinking about sex long enough to answer with an appropriate, non-offensive reply.

  “You’re good. I caught you.” I wink and open the door wide. “Come on in.”

  Sunny kicks off her shoes and looks around. “This is nice. It’s big.”

  “Thanks. It’s nothing like Waters’ cottage or his condo in Toronto, but it’s got an outdoor pool. And it’s dog friendly.” I don’t know why I tell her that. It’s not like she’s going to bring Andy or Titan on a plane to visit for the weekend.

  “Really? That’s great.”

  She fiddles with her hair, and I hook my thumbs into my pockets—even the backs of my knuckles are burned from that hair-removal crap.

  We stand there for another minute. It’s probably not that long; it just feels that way because neither one of us is talking—instead we’re staring at each other.

  Any other time I’ve had a woman back to my place, it’s been for the sole purpose of fucking. Sometimes there’s food involved, but that’s usually afterward. Sex makes m
e hungry. This is the first time I’ve ever done this with the intention of having real conversation and dinner prior to getting Sunny into my bed. I wish there was a manual to consult.

  “Can I show you around?” I gesture to the open concept living room-kitchen-dining room combo.

  “Can I hug you first?”

  “What? Oh. Yeah. For sure.” Physical contact I can do. I hold my arms out. She presses her entire body against mine. It feels really nice. I wrap my arms around her shoulders and drop my face into the crook of her neck. I wish I could turn her smell into an air freshener.

  Sunny sighs and burrows in, her arms tightening around me. We stand like that until I start to get an obvious hard-on. I back off, expecting Sunny to do the same. Instead she lifts her head and licks her lips.

  It’s the sign.

  The one where she wants me to kiss her. It’s been almost a week since I’ve had my tongue in her mouth, so I’m all over accommodating her wishes.

  I lower my head an inch, and Sunny lifts her chin. The first kiss is soft, lips touching lips. Sunny sucks my bottom lip. I open for her, letting her take the lead. All the nervousness melts away like cotton candy on my tongue. The emotions I couldn’t or didn’t want to name before we made up in Toronto are clear as exploration makes my hard-on ache.

  She frames my face with her hands and breaks the kiss to get some air. “This week was long. I like you better in 3D than I do through a computer screen.”

  “It’s way easier to make out, isn’t it?”

  “Definitely.”

  We go back in for round two of tongue wars. She has to be able to feel my hard-on by now. Girls are lucky. All their signs of horniness can be hidden. Guys have this big—if we’re lucky—stick that jabs people in the stomach to let them know what’s going down. Or up.

  Sunny starts to run her hands over my biceps, but I catch her wrists. “Maybe don’t do that today.”

  She glances at my arms. “Oh my God! What happened?”

  “I uh . . . I had an allergic reaction to some cream.” It’s not a total lie.

  “Geez. That’s terrible. What kind of cream was it?”

  “I can’t remember the name. Anyway, it looks worse than it feels. It’ll be fine in a couple of days.” I hope it doesn’t scab. I have interviews, and if my arms are a mess, I’ll need to wear a long-sleeve shirt. I like golf shirts better; then I don’t have to mess around with a tie.

  “Is it only on your arms?”

  “Yeah.”

  “I’ll have to be extra careful with you then, won’t I?”

  “Not too careful.”

  Sunny’s expression turns devious as she runs her hands down my chest and slips them under my shirt.

  Which is the moment a loud moan filters through the wall. The timing couldn’t be worse.

  Sunny freezes. “What was that?”

  “I think my neighbor’s dog’s in heat.”

  The next moan is louder.

  “That doesn’t sound like a dog.”

  I’m positive it’s not her dog, but I’m hoping it’ll stop soon. “I’ll turn on some music.” I grab the remote from the back of the couch and flip on the TV, but I’m not fast enough.

  This time words accompany the moan. “Oh God! That’s it. Right there!”

  “Um—”

  “My neighbor moved in while I was away at camp. I haven’t had a face-to-face meeting with her yet.” It does nothing to explain what’s going on over there. Until now, the only thing I ever heard was the occasional thump. Penthouses shouldn’t have sound issues.

  The noises stop as quickly as they started. I don’t trust that this is the last time it’s going to happen, and I don’t want more interruptions of the moaning variety tonight, unless they’re coming from Sunny. “I’ll be right back.”

  “Where are you going?”

  “I’m gonna go talk to my neighbor.”

  “But they’re having sex. Or something.” Sunny’s eyes drop to my crotch. I only have a slight semi—nothing obvious, thankfully.

  “They can do it less loudly.”

  Sunny peeks around the jamb while I walk barefoot down the hall. I knock and wait. It takes a minute before someone comes to the door. I recognize her face immediately. She’s definitely a porn star. I will never, ever tell Sunny I’ve seen her naked, even though it was only on a screen and for purely whacking-off purposes.

  Fortunately, she’s not naked or even partially naked. She’s wearing jeans and a T-shirt, which is pulled tight across her extra-large chest. She looks like she has water balloons tucked under there. She’s also holding a stack of papers. Behind her in the living room are the three buff guys Violet mentioned. They’re all fully dressed, too. One of them is reclining on the couch, and another one is standing with a foot on it, pretending he’s holding something. The third guy stands behind the couch, giving stage directions to the other two. It’s whacked-out as far as neighbor intros go.

  “Can I help you?”

  “Uh. Yeah. I’m Miller. I live down the hall.” I thumb over my shoulder, and she peeks out as Sunny does the same.

  She smiles and waves at Sunny, then extends her hand. I take it, hoping it’s clean and hasn’t been wrapped around any dicks lately. “I’m Nina. We’re rehearsing a scene.” She gestures to the guys in her living room.

  “Yeah. About that.” I scratch the back of my neck. “We can, uh, hear you through the wall.”

  I glance down the hall to see Sunny barefoot, prancing toward us. Oh shit.

  “Oh! Really? Did it sound good?”

  “It sounded authentic.” This is super awkward.

  “Very authentic!” Sunny tucks herself under my arm and waves to the guys on the couch. The one standing behind it is fake thrusting. They all wave back. I pull her in tighter to my side and kiss the top of her head.

  “This is my girlfriend, Sunny.”

  She and Nina shake hands.

  “We’re having date night!” Sunny smiles up at me.

  “Oh! I’m so sorry. This must be distracting! Normally we rehearse at Igor’s, but he’s having his living room painted, so we came here instead. We’ll take it to the bedroom so it won’t be as loud.”

  Igor isn’t a very porny name.

  “Great. Thanks. We really appreciate it!” Sunny says. “And if we get too loud, and you can hear us through the walls, let us know!”

  Nina’s boobs jiggle in tandem when she laughs.

  “It was nice to meet both of you! We should do coffee sometime.”

  “Definitely. Enjoy your rehearsal.”

  “Oh, I will.” She winks at Sunny. “Enjoy date night.”

  “Oh, I plan to.” Sunny laces her fingers through mine. “Come on, Miller.”

  Sunny puts extra sway in her hips as I follow her down the hallway. She waits until the door is closed before she whispers, “Only you would have a porn star for a neighbor. Why are you such a lightning rod for slutty women?”

  I lock the door behind me. “You’re not slutty.”

  She raises a brow. “I had sex with you in a forest. Twice.”

  I wrap an arm carefully around her waist and pull her against me. “That’s not slutty; that’s adventurous and a little exhibition-y.”

  “It was fun. The aftermath not so much.” She presses her hips into mine. “Your neighbor better not ask you to be in one of her pornos.”

  “If she does I’ll move.”

  “You’re ridiculous. And so are your neighbor’s boobs.” Sunny glances down at her own rack and frowns. “Mine are too small for porn.”

  “Your boobs are perfect. Just like the rest of you. And seriously, if she asks me to be in a porno I’ll put my condo on the market. I think the house next to your brother’s is for sale. I’m sure he’d love to have me for a neighbor.”

  Sunny rolls her eyes.

  “You don’t think I’d do it? You gotta know by now you’ve got me wrapped around your finger.”

  She smirks. “I kinda do, don’t
I?”

  “Mmm . . . don’t look so happy about it.” I brush my lips over hers. “Maybe you have some parts you’d like to wrap around me, to make it fair?”

  Sunny’s laugh is as warm as her name. We get back to kissing. “You should take me on that tour now,” she says with her lips still attached to mine.

  “My condo is pretty boring. I was liking the making out thing we’ve got going on here.”

  “Me too, but it might be nicer if we could do it lying down and naked.”

  “You have the best ideas.” I lead her down the hall, still half-kissing while I point out rooms. There aren’t many, so it’s a quick tour.

  I open the bedroom door and realize we haven’t even had dinner. “Wait. This is a date. We’re supposed to eat food.”

  “We can do that later.”

  “But—”

  Sunny pulls her dress over her head. I’m right. She’s not wearing a bra. She twirls around. She’s wearing a thong. Violet must have taken her shopping. “You don’t see anything you want to eat?”

  “Eat? No.” I give my head a slow shake. “Devour? Definitely.”

  Goose bumps rise along her arms. She backs up until she hits the mattress and sits on the edge. Tucking her feet under her, she rises to her knees, motioning me closer.

  Every part of me wants to tackle her and do exactly what I said, devour. But that implies quick and dirty. It’s been a week. I want slow and long right from the start. I sweep her hair over her shoulders and skim the length of her arm.

  Starting at her shoulder, I follow the line of her collarbone to her neck with my lips. When I reach her jaw, I brush one nipple with the pad of my thumb. Sunny moans.

  “I missed that sound.” I circle her nipple to see if she’ll do it again. She does. Sunny grabs the hem of my shirt and pulls up. “Easy, baby.”

  “Oh, right. Your arms.”

  I take care of getting my shirt off. It doesn’t feel good. My arms are red and sensitive.

  Sunny smooths her hands down my chest and glances up, the tip of her tongue pressed between her teeth, when she reaches the waistband. She flicks open the button and pulls down the zipper, exposing the red underwear. The head of my cock is playing peek-a-boo. “Looks like someone’s excited to see me.”