Alone on the Oregon Trail

by Vanessa Carvo

  It took plenty of hard work from him and his daughters to carry on and to meet the demands of growing crops. Besides maintaining their crops and getting the harvest in each year, Grayson also tamed wild horses for those who found no patience to do so. People would come from miles around, hearing about him and his skills.

  Meredith was known for her baked bread, blackberry pies and her venison meals she had learned to cook since her mother had died. She learned the hard way in the small cabin’s kitchen by experience of just digging in to get the job done.

  Mattie, though, was two years younger and had no interest in helping with anything. She had grown into a very stubborn young girl and had the weight of the world on her shoulders.

  Before I met Mattie, she had suffered through her young years, blaming herself for her mother’s death and because of this heavy guilt she felt, she had no choice but to take it out on Meredith and anyone she could.

  When I came into the picture I became her new subject to hate, and hate me she did. The dear child had no one to talk to about her feelings and her pa had all but given up, still praying that God would heal the child’s mind and heart, and not knowing how to help her.

  Her sister Meredith had no idea what was wrong with Mattie and could not understand why she blamed herself and was not sure that was the problem. Day after day the older sister would try, starting over each morning with a smile across her face, greeting her in the morning.

  Nothing was ever good enough for Mattie and she had no intention of accepting even love from her family. The Loves were once a family full of love and sunshine, but when their mother died, their world came crashing down and Grayson was alone to bring the family back together.

  One early Sabbath morning the oldest daughter of Grayson was outside collecting eggs from their chickens and she evidently heard Bailey coming up close to their home and she stood staring, not knowing who would be riding out this far on the Sabbath.

  From what I was told, I was still passed out and was very near death. I had become extremely dehydrated from the lack of water and look emaciated. My hair was practically falling out from lack of nutrition and my clothes had worn nearly completely out.

  I do not remember when Meredith came running up to Bailey and looking at me, or when she screamed for her pa, but as they have said; Grayson came running from the barn and little Mattie came from the horse lot.

  They both got to me about the same time and Grayson untied me from Bailey and carried me into their home. I was passed out and did not come to for three days. They took wonderful care of Bailey and would even let him visit me by letting him stick his head inside the window as he would look in on me and neigh to try to wake me.

  Days later I recall opening my eyes very slowly and the first thing I did see was this young girl as she sat by my side and she was right up in my face. All I could see was these huge blue eyes and her golden locks of curls cascading down her shoulders. It looked like a piece of heaven as that child stared into my eyes.

  When I opened my eyes, it scared her so much so that she let out a holler for her pa, and that about made me jump out of my skin. By the time her pa reached the room I had jumped to a sitting position, and was staring straight ahead.

  I really did not know much for the rest of the day, but as time went on, I began getting my memory back and began to feel better. I was able to get up and walk about a week later and I asked if I could see Bailey and the oldest daughter led me out to the horse stables and there he was looking as healthy as the day when Nathaniel and I left for our journey.

  I could tell that he had been very well taken care of and someone had been brushing his coat as well. He shone like a copper penny, brand new. I was so happy to see him healthy that I broke down into tears, not being able to explain myself.

  The youngest daughter seemed to enjoy my company for a time, but within a two week period, she became very difficult and began to change. It shocked me and I wondered for days what I had done for her to pull away from me so hard, but one afternoon her pa came to me to explain what was going on and my heart poured out all over my lap as he told me how her mother died while she was having Mattie.

  The poor young wife and mother did not even get to lay her eyes upon her beautiful new child. As she pushed and let out a last scream, Mattie tumbled out of her mother’s womb and by the time Grayson had ahold of the child, his wife had closed her eyes and died.

  How horrible this must have been on this young husband and father to look back over at his wife expecting to see her smiling face and to see that she had passed on. He explained that he took Mattie and laid her in the arms of her mother, hoping to allow the child to bond in some way with her mother, and to catch the smell of her mother.

  It tore my heart out as I listened to Grayson describe that traumatic day. He also told me that Mattie somehow did receive something from lying in her mother’s arms when she was born because she grew up to love lavender as much as her mother.

  His wife, Maggie loved lavender and she would pick them each day from the fields nearby and set a bowl of fresh petals on their kitchen table. Not so strange really that Mattie to this day picks lavender petals from the same field and brings the bouquets home and she places them all over the house.

  She can still remember the smell of fresh lavender on her mother as she laid there in her mother’s arms. It is sad that is all she has to remember her mother by, but Grayson said that it has left a part of his wife lingering in the home because of this.

  I was so saddened by the story of how Mattie’s mother passed before seeing the child she had carried and deep inside this angered me even more at God. I could not understand how a loving God could allow this to happen to such a beautiful woman, and this poor child deserved so much more than this bitterness she was carrying around inside.

  After Grayson explained this to me, he then sat and talked with me about staying on with them and perhaps I could find a way to get through to Mattie’s heart. He said that he and his oldest daughter had tried everything to bring Mattie out of her bitterness and nothing had worked so far.

  He was so worried that she would live her entire life being so full of sadness and anger. At the time I could not see how in the world I could help, but I agreed that I would try. I was not sure how long I would stay there, but I had no other options at the time, so I remained living there with them.

  I began each day getting up at dawn and I would spend my morning actually learning how to cook from Meredith. She had grown into a mighty fine cook and she put me to shame. My mother never taught me anything in the kitchen.

  She had mental problems the whole time I was growing up, and she did not come out of it until I had become older.

  By the time my mother and I began to have a relationship, she got sick with cholera and died. So, in a way, I too missed out on knowing my mother and my heart began to melt for this young girl Mattie. We had more in common then she would ever think, and perhaps Grayson was right, that I could in some way get through to her.

  But, it came to be a very long time before that would ever happen and the rest of this story shares my life living in the home of the Loves and all the lack of love that I received from this dear torn child, and the ways in which the Lord worked inside her and me as He began restoring my faith and bringing to this tiny girl hope and a release of her hatred and her shame she was carrying as she blamed herself for her mother’s death.

  Chapter Seven

  (Brooklyn’s Bridges)

  It was a sweet summer morning with the sun announcing its coming with a bound of glory, shining its way through my window. At the awesome sight of its brightness I found myself scurrying around to get dressed and reach the front door with passion flowing from every pore in my body.

  Being on that rugged trail for six months had drained me of any love for the sunshine and this fine morning I found myself appreciating its presence. I wanted to feel its warmth bake my skin and I couldn’t do that sitting in my room as I usually did e
ach morning.

  The house had become quiet and distant as we watched little Mattie come and go with her mood swings. It seemed that none of us by this time wanted to take the responsibility for this child’s heart as we watched it harden day by day.

  We all tried reaching out to her, but to our dismay; none of our touches ever bothered her. She spent day after day hardening like an old bitter woman and it was a sad waste of a life. For her to be so young, she should have been enjoying each day as a child normally would.

  It felt like her God given right to feel what children feel with joy and an innocent peace, yet she was ravaged with an internal time clock that took her well beyond her years, as if she deserved this demon that was forcing her to carry the blame for her mother’s death. It was Mattie who should be running to escape this dark cabin home to bask in the sunlight, not me.

  As I reached the door and swung it open on its hinges, it bounced off the wall behind it and I realized that I had used all I had in me to get out of that house. At the sound of the door swinging against the wall, Mattie let out a complaint that rang through my ears, reminding me how I could do nothing right and that I had overstayed my time, in her opinion.

  I found myself that morning ignoring her voice and just rushing out into the sunlight and the freedom. I kept walking until I reached the stables and I saw my familiar old friend Bailey, and I ran to him, wrapped my arms around him, sniffing his mane as if I hadn’t seen him in years.

  He was as glad to see me as I was to see him and we both just stood embraced. As I stood there hugging Bailey, I had a thought go through my mind that perhaps I could get somewhere with Mattie if we would spend time with Bailey.

  There was something about this horse that brought you peace and maybe he could be the one to reach deep into her heart, softening it with his love and composure. He had helped me on many occasions on the trail, and I kept this idea in my mind for future use. For now, he was mine and I felt like riding.

  So, I saddled him up, got the bridle on, swung my leg upon him and took off before anyone could think about stopping me.

  We rode that morning for an hour and we found an old oak tree on the connecting pasture to sit under for a while before heading back to the house. When I rode into sight, Meredith was out feeding her chickens and she waved sweetly and I found myself wishing that Mattie would be a little more like Meredith.

  I knew that was asking too much at this time and I knew that I had many bridges to cross concerning Mattie. Mattie had become quite hateful in the last few days and there seemed to be a new dark side that was creeping into this child. It was like an uncontrollable force that was taking over.

  The child knew some nursery rhymes and child songs and she had begun taunting me as if she thought that if she could hurt me enough I would leave. I walked into the kitchen one day and she began singing “Brooklyn’s bridge is falling down, falling down, falling down.

  “Brooklyn’s bridge is falling down and it’s so funny.” I thought at the time it was so cruel of this child, but then I realized what is cruel is the hold that pain has on her. Today I realize that my bridge is falling down, just as she sang so hatefully.

  I couldn’t seem to make any progress with her and she was aware of that and seemed to enjoy it. So she enjoyed singing little songs like that, thinking it left her in control or something. I often wondered if Grayson had lost his mind when he said he believed I would be able to get through to her over time.

  I think he expected an awful lot of me and I was not feeling like it was very fair at the moment. I would keep trying as long as I could and one of us had to break eventually, but I was not sure it would be Mattie.

  Making sure that I forced myself to return home, I galloped Bailey on to the stable and set him free in the fenced area where he could roam about and graze. Then I hung up the saddle and bridle and as I was headed out the door, Grayson was coming into the barn.

  After his initial good morning, he tilted his hat and told me to have a good day and that he had to go to town and would be gone the entire day. I wasn’t in that great of a mood to stay there alone with this child and I offered to ride into town with him.

  This started a conversation that was much needed by this time and we sat in the barn discussing none other than Mattie again. After speaking to Grayson openly and honestly, I found myself even more determined to help him in any way I could. Grayson had a way about him that he could speak so logically and heartfelt that by the end of your discussion, he made more sense than you did.

  So, as I watched him ride off in his wagon to town, I collected myself charm and my wit and entered the house. Meredith was still outside finishing her chores so I was alone with Mattie. Walking into the kitchen I found Mattie sitting at the table kicking her foot against the wooden knob on the lower pedestal.

  “Mattie,” I said as I kept my eyes looking down at the cook stove, “would you like to take Bailey for a ride with me this morning?”

  “Why would I want to ride Bailey with you when I can ride him myself?”

  “Mattie, you are only six years old, I think you are a little young to take Bailey out by yourself.”

  “No thanks,” she replied and stormed for the door singing, “Little Miss Muffet, sat on her big butt, eating her curds away. Along came a spider and sat down beside and Miss Muffett ran away.”

  “Oh well, that’s too bad, I was going to make up a picnic basket and enjoy the sunshine.”

  “Have a great day then,” she said, and headed out the door.

  Can you imagine a child her age turning down an invitation like that? She did, though, and as stubborn as she was, it took her four days to finally bring the subject up again, as if she had changed her mind.

  My first response was to teach her a lesson and not take her up on her offer, but I quickly realized that this could be a breakthrough and I obliged.

  You could say we had a good time if you enjoy spending a morning with nothing said between you and a little girl. She never spoke a word to me, but occasionally I would overhear her speaking to Bailey and I decided that he may just be the one to win her heart and I would use him again to help me build a relationship with Mattie.

  Arriving back at the house that afternoon we met Grayson who was out plowing the field and as he saw us riding back to the stable, little Mattie’s hand flew high into the air as if she was showing off to her daddy that she had found some fun for once and with the sweetest smile she gazed at him as she rode past him.

  I received no thank you from her that day, but I could feel her telling me with her eyes that she had fun, even though I would catch her glaring from time to time. This child would be a very hard case and it would not be long until one of us would blow, before it was all said and done. I chalked that day up as a great accomplishment and one bridge had been successfully crossed, without Brooklyn falling down.

  The smell of sweet summer grass lit up the air and how I loved smelling that the first thing in the morning and at night as I laid down my head to sleep. I always left my window open so it could creep in all night and fill my room with its aroma. I longed for the prairies for years and how I wished that Nathaniel was with me to see it and to experience it.

  Poor Nathaniel only lived the essence of prairies in his mind and his life was filled with the stench of the city and the rage of cholera and pigs in the street. His dream was to get us out of New York City before cholera would claim our lives as well and he got as far as a rugged terrain that took his life before he could even smell the summer grass or see the autumn around the corner.

  Thinking on Nathaniel had taken up most of my time so far since I arrived at the Loves. I decided that if Nathaniel was around that he could probably steal the heart of this young girl because he was great with children and animals.

  We planned to have many of both. We dreamed of a cattle ranch being ours one day, complete with chickens, horses, dogs and sheep. It was not odd that neither of us ever mentioned having pigs after our experience wi
th them being turned loose in the streets in New York, to clean them up.

  I didn’t care if I ever seen a pig. The Loves did have pigs and I just made sure I stayed away from them. They were not kept close to the house. Grayson was kind enough to keep them pastured far enough from the house that we wouldn’t have to deal with their smell.

  I could not have thanked him more.

  I had been learning quite a bit about cooking and the kitchen from Meredith and I was coming up with some fine meals myself. She had told me plenty of times that she was very proud of how good of a cook I had become. Unfortunately, the belly is not where the heart is with Mattie and she refused to eat anything I had prepared.

  We finally decided to not tell her when I had cooked a meal and I would sit and watch her eat down her meal over and over, never knowing I had cooked it myself. I grinned many times sitting across from her and she finally figured it out one day and she threw the most awful fit, spitting out her food and running to her bedroom, yelling all the way.

  Every time I might have thought for a moment that I was making some headway with her, I would get knocked back down, so I finally learned to just take it day by day, never counting the day before as meaning anything. It made it easier on my expectations.

  Progress, however, was being made when it came to Bailey and Mattie. Several times after our first ride, it was Mattie who came to me asking if we could take Bailey out because he needed to be exercised.

  I took her up on the offer each time and after about five or six times, she finally began talking some while we were out. She would talk about Bailey and how she felt like he really liked her and this would be all she would say. I wondered at times if she was hinting if I could let her have him for her own, but I decided to play dumb because I was not ready to give Bailey up in any way.

  We began riding on a regular schedule and Mattie was becoming a very graceful rider. I made sure to teach her as we would ride. I would let her ride up front and I would sit in back and making her sit up straight made her look so graceful. She learned to skip, gallop and finally to canter and she seemed to glide across the field.