Swim the Fly

by Don Calame

  “You have to admire the retard’s persistence.” She sighs. “I better see what the hell’s so important or he’ll never stop.” Kelly flips open her phone. “You have three minutes and then I’m hanging up and we’re never speaking again.” She stands and gives us a “be right back” gesture.

  My armpits are suddenly wet. I feel like throwing up. My eyes follow Kelly as she walks out of the coffee shop and into the mall. I watch as she sits on a bench. I try to read her lips, but I can’t make out what she’s saying.

  “Ahem.” Valerie clears her throat. “Am I going to have to wait all day?”

  “Huh?” I turn back to Valerie, confused.

  “Your mocha. Remember? You were going to let me try it.”

  “Oh. Right. Yeah. Sure.” I push the cup over to Valerie. “Be careful. It’s nuclear.”

  Valerie takes the coffee gingerly in her hands and lifts it to her mouth. She sips it cautiously. Her face scrunches up. “Youch. How do they expect you to drink that?”

  “I told you.” I look back out to Kelly, who’s now lying down on the bench. Has it been three minutes yet? “What do you think he wants?”

  “To prove how big a jerk he is?” She shrugs. “Who cares?” She tries to take another drink of the mocha and appears to be more successful this time. “Not bad. I think the first sip destroys most of the nerves in your mouth so that by the second sip you can actually taste it a little.”

  “Really?”

  “Here. Try it.”

  I take the cup from Valerie and give it another try, but it’s like lava on my tongue. “Still hot,” I say, my mouth half open.

  Valerie chuckles. “Well, it worked for me.” She grabs a packet of raw sugar from the little basket on the table and starts fiddling with it. “So, tell me something about you I don’t know.”

  “That could take all day.” I glance out to the mall and see that Kelly has disappeared from the bench. Goddamn it. My right leg starts to jump.

  “Just one thing. And then I’ll tell you something about me.”

  “Okay. Let’s see. All right. I’m a pretty terrible guitar player.”

  Valerie laughs. “Most people would just say they’re learning to play the guitar.”

  “Yeah, well, I’ve been learning for over a year and I’m bad. Just in case you ever hear me play. You’ve been forewarned.”

  “What kinds of things do you play?”

  “Lots of songs you probably know, though I manage to make them all completely unrecognizable.”

  This makes Valerie giggle again.

  “Now you,” I say. I press down on my leg to stop it from jiggling. There’s no use worrying, I tell myself. Whatever’s going to happen is going to happen.

  “All right. I’m going to tell you something, but you can’t make fun of me.”

  “Uh-oh. This sounds like it could be good.”

  “No, it’s just . . . kind of dorky.”

  “You’re talking to SpongeBob SquarePants here, remember? Your dorkiness can only pale in comparison.”

  She smiles. “I’m the president of the chess club at school.”

  I blink hard and try not to laugh. “Whoa. Chess club. That is pretty geeky of you.”

  Valerie slaps my arm. “Shut up. You said you wouldn’t make fun.”

  “No. Seriously. That’s cool. Well. Actually. No, it isn’t. But . . . I never would have guessed. You must be supremely smart. I don’t even know how to play chess.”

  “I could show you sometime.” Valerie opens the packet of sugar and pours a bit into her mouth.

  “I’d be terrible at it. I can barely manage checkers.”

  “You might surprise yourself.”

  “I doubt it.” I attempt another sip of my coffee. It’s almost reached a drinkable temperature. “How did you get involved in that? I mean, you don’t look like a . . . chess person.”

  “My dad taught me. I just took to it. It’s like I can see all the possibilities and how they’ll play out. I don’t know. I like it for some reason.”

  “Well . . . I bet you have all the chess kids fogging up their glasses.”

  Valerie smiles. She pours more of the raw sugar into her mouth. She must have caught me watching her because she suddenly stops. “Oh. Sorry. Do you want some?”

  I laugh. “No, thanks.”

  “It tastes good. It’s like rock candy.”

  I shake my head. “That’s okay.”

  “I know. It’s a bad habit. My mom’s always on me about it. But I can’t help it. I’ve got a killer sweet tooth.”

  Just then Kelly returns and plops down in her seat. “My life’s worse than a soap opera, I swear.”

  “Do we even want to know?” Valerie asks.

  I brace myself for the accusations.

  “He’s, like, all schizoid. One minute he’s grilling me about last night. Asking me a million questions — What have I heard? Who told me what? — And the next minute he’s all wanting to get back together. And I’m like, yeah, right. Let’s do that. Not.”

  I can only assume by all this that Tony didn’t say anything about the peeping incident. And now that I really think about it, why would he? It implicates him as much as it does me. Of course, that’s not going to stop Mandy from blabbing.

  I’m trying to think of a way to ask Kelly how well she knows Mandy Reagan, when Coop and Sean suddenly appear at our table.

  “Hello, ladies.” Coop beams, wielding the better part of a two-foot churro.

  Sean stands next to him, with his hands tucked into the pockets of his jean jacket.

  “We need to talk to you, Matt,” Coop says.

  “I’m a little busy right now.” I motion toward Kelly with my eyes.

  “It’s okay.” Kelly stands, grabbing her Guess bags. “Val and I have some more shopping to do. You guys can have our seats.”

  Valerie gets up and waves. “See you later, Matt.”

  I watch as the girls leave.

  When I turn back, Coop and Sean are already sitting at the table.

  “Thanks a lot,” I say.

  Coop smirks. “Oh, please. Like you were going to get anywhere with Kelly while Valerie’s hanging around.”

  “I wasn’t trying to get anywhere. We were just talking.”

  Coop turns to Sean, who’s busy working the buttons on his cell. “What the hell are you doing?”

  “One sec. I’m texting Tianna.”

  “The girl from last night?” I ask.

  “Yeah.” Sean smiles, his thumb working like crazy. “I think she kind of likes me.”

  “Give me that.” Coop snatches the phone from Sean’s hand and snaps it shut.

  “Hey!” he protests.

  “Do you want to blow it with her or what?” Coop says, taking a bite of his churro.

  “What are you talking about?”

  “I’m talking about being overeager, dude. You look desperate if you text her back every single time she texts you.”

  Sean grabs his phone back. “How would you know?”

  “It’s basic psychology, dude. Girls want what’s hard to get. But you do whatever you want. Just don’t say I didn’t warn you.”

  Sean looks down at his phone like he’s not sure what he should do.

  I shake my head. “Don’t listen to him, Sean. If you like getting messages from her, she’ll like getting messages from you.”

  “Ugh. I’m surrounded by amateurs.” Coop groans. “Can we please move on to the reason we’re here before I’m infected by your painful ignorance?”

  “And that would be?” I ask, still annoyed about them scaring off Kelly.

  “We need your opinion.” Coop takes out his cell phone and punches up the picture he took from last night.

  It’s a pretty clear shot of Mandy in her underwear, partially blocked by Tony in his boxers.

  “We’re not sure if Cathy will accept it,” Sean confesses.

  “You’d know better than us, Sean,” I say. “How nitpicky is she?”

/>   “You’ve seen her,” Sean retorts. “She’s a pain in the ass. But if she knows that it’s the best she’s going to get, she might be willing to bargain.”

  I shrug. “It’s worth a try, I guess.”

  Coop studies the picture. “I’m just worried she might think we’re trying to scam her and then do something rash.” He bites off another piece of churro. “Let’s think it over while we go see Alien vs. Predator vs. Anaconda.”

  COOP, SEAN, AND ME make our way through the mall toward the movie theater. Sean keeps sneak-texting Tianna, while Coop busies himself trying to embarrass me by waggling his churro around like it’s his schlong.

  I’m trying to ignore Coop by looking into the store windows, when I spot Kelly in Beach Bums, standing in front of a three-way mirror, wearing a black string bikini. The sight of her wearing practically nothing nearly makes my head explode. She turns this way and that, looking at herself. I knew she had a great body; I just didn’t know how great. Bikinis are way hotter than the one-pieces the girls wear on swim team.

  “Holy crap,” I say.

  Coop and Sean must have heard me, because now they’re staring into the swim shop, sniggering like two depraved leprechauns.

  “Oh. My. God. Does anyone else suddenly have an overwhelming need to buy a swimsuit?” Coop says.

  Sean nods, his mouth agape. “Me. Yes.”

  Coop starts toward the store entrance.

  “Wait.” I grab Coop’s arm. “Isn’t it going to seem obvious?”

  “Not if you don’t make it obvious.” Coop yanks his arm away from me. “We just need some new bathing suits. Big deal. Besides, Kelly might want my views on some of the various swimming apparel she’s trying on. I happen to have a degree in bikiniology. It would be awfully selfish of me not to at least offer my expert opinion.”

  “Yeah,” Sean says. “And my second cousin is a professional bathing suit model. For Lane Bryant. Still . . .”

  “All right,” I say. “But we have to play it supercool. When they see us, make sure you act surprised.”

  The three of us walk into Beach Bums with its fake palm trees and surfboards on the walls. We head over to the men’s section. It’s a pretty small store, so we still have a direct sight line to the changing area.

  I take a pair of board shorts off a shelf, but I can’t tear my eyes away from Kelly.

  “I don’t know,” Kelly says. “Is it sexy or just slutty?” She turns around and tries to look at herself over her shoulder.

  Valerie leans against the wall, looking sort of bored. She shrugs. “I guess it depends on your definition.”

  I glance over at Sean and Coop, who stand by a rack of sandals with their jaws hanging open. I half expect long strings of drool to start streaming from both of their mouths.

  Kelly continues to look at herself in the mirror.

  I have to be careful I don’t pass out. It’s crazy how the sight of a beautiful girl in a bikini can make you feel so weak-kneed. My whole body is flooded with a warm buzz, like huddling around a fire after a day in the snow.

  “Okay. Maybe it is a little too revealing.” Kelly slides her fingers inside the back of the bikini bottom, adjusting it over her butt.

  Oh, man. I can’t breathe.

  “I completely disagree,” Coop says, marching over to the mirror like he’s trying to stop something unconscionable from happening.

  Jesus Christ, what’s he doing?

  “It’s perfect.” Coop gestures with his churro. “That’s the greatest bathing suit I have ever seen in my entire life.”

  Kelly and Valerie turn to see Coop, then Sean and me.

  Valerie waves and smiles. “Hey. What are you guys doing here?”

  Me and Sean walk over to join Coop and the girls.

  “Wow,” I say. “You guys are here, too. That’s . . . What a coincidence. We were just . . .” I hold up the swimsuit in my hand and swallow. “Looking to buy some board shorts.”

  “You guys really like this one?” Kelly asks.

  “For sure,” Sean drones. “The greatest bathing suit ever.”

  “I don’t know.” Kelly studies her reflection. I can’t believe it. She doesn’t seem shy at all. “What about you, Mark?” She winces. “I mean, Matt. Sorry.”

  “Me? Huh.” I put my hands in my front pockets. I take my hands out again. I cross them in front of me. Behind me. Damn it. I wish I still had a drink to hold. “It looks, uh . . . good. I think. I mean. Yeah. I like it. But . . . I don’t really know that much about bathing suits.”

  “Okay. Let’s see what you guys think of these other ones.” Kelly spins around again. “But keep this one in mind.”

  “Oh. I will,” Coop says.

  “Be right back.” Kelly disappears into her changing room.

  “Cool,” Sean and Coop say in tandem. The two of them sink into the orange velvet couch by the three-way mirror like they’re getting ready to watch a movie or something.

  Coop gnaws on his churro as a middle-aged saleswoman with red rhinestone cat glasses approaches them.

  “Excuse me,” she says. “There’s no food or drinks allowed in the store. You’ll have to eat that outside.”

  Coop stares at his churro and then stuffs the rest of it into his mouth, folding it as it goes. He smiles with bulging cheeks and holds out his empty hands. “Aaa gah.”

  The saleswoman sniffs disapprovingly and marches off.

  Valerie glances at the changing rooms, then looks at us. “You guys should escape while you can. She’s got like thirty bikinis in there. This could go on for hours. I’m sure you have better things to do.”

  “Better than this?” Sean points to the dressing rooms. “Is there such a thing?”

  Coop swallows and clears his throat. “What Sean’s trying to say, in his caveman way, is that there’s nothing we could think of that would be better than helping a friend to look her best.”

  Valerie laughs. “Okay. Suit yourselves.”

  “Oh, we will,” Coop says. “We’ll suit ourselves right here until this couch takes on a permanent impression of our butts.”

  Jeez, so much for playing it cool.

  I’M STARING AT THE CHANGING ROOMS, waiting for Kelly to emerge wearing her next bikini, when I notice that if you wanted to, you could easily peek over the stall divider and spy on the person next to you.

  I look over at Coop and Sean and I can see by following their gaze that they’re thinking the exact same thing.

  “What do you think about this one?”

  I turn back and see Valerie holding up a powder-blue bikini with a kind of halter top and miniskirt bottom.

  “What?” I say, keeping one eye on the guys. “Oh. I don’t know. It’s nice, but it doesn’t seem like Kelly.”

  “Not for her, silly.” Valerie spins the hanger around, considering the suit. “For me.”

  “Oh.” I get a jolt of panic. I’m suddenly feeling protective of Valerie. Like I don’t want Coop and Sean ogling her. Maybe because she was so nice to me last night. “You don’t really want to try on bathing suits, too, do you?”

  “Maybe,” she says. “It’s something to do, right? We’re going to be here for a while.” She takes another suit off the rack. A wine-colored tankini with streaks of white. “I’ll give these a try. I’ll be right out.”

  Valerie heads back to the changing rooms before I can think of anything to say that would stop her.

  As soon she’s out of earshot, Coop and Sean leap from the couch and hurry over to me.

  “Dude, this is our chance,” Coop says.

  Sean is practically vibrating. “You could totally see over that stall divider if you stood on a chair, and don’t tell me you didn’t notice that because I know you did.”

  “Yeah, it crossed my mind,” I say with a mixture of excitement and apprehension.

  “All we have to do is take turns pretending to try on bathing suits in one of the stalls next to the girls.” Coop’s got his sinister half smirk going. “It’s perfe
ct. It’s almost as if God wants us to succeed in our summer goal.”

  “Right,” I say. “I’m sure God’s got nothing better to do than to help us see a naked girl.”

  “Two naked girls,” Sean corrects.

  “Besides,” I say, “shouldn’t we be focusing on trying to see Mandy Reagan? Just in case Cathy doesn’t accept that picture.”

  “Mandy Reagan isn’t naked right now just beyond those doors,” Coop says. “Come on. Opportunity is ringing the damn doorbell and we’re wasting valuable time here. I’ll take Kelly first. And Sean, you can check out Valerie.”

  Sean crosses his legs like he’s got to take a piss. “Holy crap. I can’t believe this is going to happen. If I get to see Valerie nude, you can kill me because my life will be complete.”

  “Hold on a second,” I say. “What if we get caught? I mean, it’s pretty easy to see someone peeping over the stall wall from out here.”

  “That’s where you come in, dawg.” Coop smacks my back. “You run interference while we’re in there and then we’ll do the same for you.”

  “I don’t think we should do this.” I can’t believe I just said that. I’ve been imagining Kelly naked ever since I laid eyes on her. And seeing Valerie would be an amazing bonus. But I don’t know. I feel weird about this. Like it’s not right or something. Jesus, what the hell’s happening to me?

  “That’s hilarious, dude.” Coop laughs. “You almost had me. Come on, Sean. Let’s go get something to try on. Before it’s too late.”

  Sean and Coop head over to the men’s section, and I’m standing here feeling like one of those cartoon characters with a devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. “Naked, naked, naked.” That’s all the devil is saying. Like he’s got a one-track mind. Or just a very limited vocabulary. “Naked, naked, naked.”

  And then there’s the angel whispering, “What about Valerie? All she wanted to know was if you were feeling okay. And now you’re going to help your friends spy on her? What kind of person does that?”

  Just then, Kelly steps from her stall, wearing a shimmering rainbow bikini that changes color as she moves.

  “This one’s pretty cool, huh?” Kelly says. “It’s like a party.” She shimmies back and forth in front of the three-way mirror, entertaining us both with the disco-ball effect.