I did what I had been afraid to do since I was brought here six years ago. I moved to the roof and ordered the servants to leave me and wait below. I could not be sure no one was watching me, but I continued. I marked the sun, its position in the sky at this hour, and turned toward the home of my people, the seat of G-d’s favor. I turned toward Jerusalem and knelt, then lay down. My hands were outstretched as if I could catch any drop of mercy from heaven, and I, the queen whose beauty had shaken a kingdom, pressed my face into the dust and prayed.
[1] The ancient secular historian Josephus recounts this particular law of Xerxes:
“Now the king had made a law, that none of his own people should approach him unless they were called, when he sat upon his throne; and men, with axes in their hands, stood around his throne, in order to punish such as approached to him without being called.” Josephus, The Complete Works, Translated by William Whiston (Nashville: Thomas Nelson, 1998), 358–359, 11.6.3.
52
Evening, Fourteenth Day of the Month of Nisan
Twelfth Year of the Reign of Xerxes
Year 3404 after Creation
Do not think that because you are in the king’s house you alone of all the Jews will escape. For if you remain silent at this time, relief and deliverance for the Jews will arise from another place, but you and your father’s family will perish. And who knows but that you have come to royal position for such a time as this?[1]
Hathach repeated the words of Mordecai’s message and stood before me, waiting for my reaction. Mordecai’s words were less than accommodating. Harbana’s message, too, has now left me little room to doubt my course of action: “There is no evidence you have lost the king’s favor. The king has not grown enamored of any one girl. Indeed, he has had a different one every night in your absence.” Hathach shook his head at the message, and I almost smiled. Some people have a gift for wounding you with their comforting words. Ashtari watched me carefully as I received the messages; I wondered what she felt. She had never been allowed to share her bed; I had been forced to share mine with many rivals. There were times in my distress I caught her looking strangely at me, and I wondered if it was pity or envy.
My time on the roof had yielded no certain words. I was frightened to have sought G-d so earnestly and received nothing for my hour of need. If G-d had denied me an audience, what did this mean for the hour when I would seek the same from Xerxes?
A bird flew in my window, resting on the ledge and singing sweetly. For a moment we were all transfixed by the visitor, and she bobbed her head and looked at us with a pleasant eye. In the silence that enveloped us, I heard in my mind a verse from Solomon: Through patience a ruler can be persuaded, and a gentle tongue can break a bone. The bird sang again, and I marveled at its fragile wings, wings that were yet able to beat back the winds and carry it wherever it desired to go.
“That is my answer!” I said aloud.
Everyone turned to look at me, their expressions betraying their confusion.
“I am a weak creation,” I said. “I sought great strength from G-d to meet this evil. But my weakness is to be my strength. Deliver this final message to Mordecai for me tonight,” I instructed Hathach. “Tell Mordecai: Gather all the elders of the Jewish people, and send this message throughout Susa to all Jews: You must fast for me. Don’t eat or drink for three days, either day or night. I, and my servants, will fast as well.[2] Do not pledge to me your strength or money. Give to me your weakness. If you will lift me up to G-d through your prayers and suffering, I’ll go to the king, even though it’s forbidden. If I die, I die.”
As Hathach turned to leave, I grabbed his hand and held it as I spoke. Hathach had the soft, smooth skin of a court eunuch, but I sensed he loved loyalty above comfort. He knew my secret now too, but I was not afraid. “You have been a faithful friend, Hathach. Sleep in peace when you return tonight. May G-d smile on you for helping my people.”
“And may your G-d smile on this plan,” Hathach replied as he turned to leave.
I do not know what will happen now, what G-d intends with this new plan. I have laughed at the seers who read the future in tea leaves, but I have often been no different, trying to divine G-d’s will in events. I watched Hathach leave and wrapped my arms around myself as if I were cold.
I wonder if I will live to see him again.
[1] This message has also been recorded in the sacred texts of both Jews and Christians. Refer to Esther 4:13–14, the New International Version of the Bible, or chapter four in the Jewish book of Scripture pertaining to Esther, the Megillah.
[2] Fasting, a Jewish custom still practiced today, involved refusing food and drink for a predetermined period of time in order to devote oneself to prayer and meditation. The Jews believed that lessening the distractions of the physical world enabled one to better discern God’s will and receive God’s blessing.
53
Sixteenth Day of the Month of Nisan
Twelfth Year of the Reign of Xerxes
Year 3404 after Creation
The days of fasting gave me no real answers and no sudden reassurances. In a land where women are stripped of all power, I have been chosen to confront a most powerful enemy. My mind turned the words from Solomon over and over, and I meditated on the ways of patience and gentleness. I am reminded of what Mordecai taught me as a girl: It is one thing to believe a Scripture is true; it is another thing entirely to trust in it and act.
The robe I wore for my coronation still drapes as lovely as it did that evening so many years ago. Has it really been five years since I first came to Xerxes? Once again, the girls have prepared me as rigorously as that first night with the king, when I first laid eyes on the man who would be my king, my lover, my captor, and my shield. My jewels rest over my body like a waterfall from heaven. The largest ruby, set in gold and surrounded by turquoise, is nestled between my breasts, just barely revealed in my dress beneath the mantle of gold and rubies. The harem girls are famous for baring all at once; I am playing a slower and more serious game: calling him to remember, and imagine. To draw him in so that we may both be revealed.
There are no roses tonight for my hair. I came to this palace an exile, and if I must die, I will die exiled even from those. The girls circled me slowly as they combed the last strand of hair, and smoothed the last fold of dress. We are all weak from hunger and despair. Only Ashtari has served to keep our minds on our work. She has been relentless, explaining to the other girls the perilous mission (it was not lost on them that if I fail, they will be lost when a new queen comes into power). Ashtari has sent word to the kitchen staff to prepare a feast for lovers, with foods to be eaten slowly, served with grace. I must have every opportunity, should I live, to serve the king and honor him in front of our guest. It is true that I am sick with hunger. If left alone, I could probably devour everything put in front of me. But I must serve the king first as if my only appetite is for him. Perhaps I will not be able to eat in the presence of Haman. King David once promised that G-d will teach us to feast in the presence of our enemies, and I must believe that too.
And so it is time to go.
I will be led, once again, and perhaps for the last time, to the man who can behead me, or take me to his bed, according to his mood. You have made me queen, Lord, and given me riches beyond my dreams. Is it too much to ask now for my life? And if You give me my life, will You give me the nation of Jews as well?[1]
[1] Josephus’s writings confirm Esther’s account here but add the detail that Esther, weak from hunger, required two handmaidens to support her and the weight of her robes and train as she made her approach to the king.
54
Evening, Sixteenth Day of the Month of Nisan
Twelfth Year of the Reign of Xerxes
Year 3404 after Creation
I stood in the inner court of the palace, where I had been led past servants and advisers conferring over the kingdom’s affairs; they were all now startled to see me in my royal robes approaching the king unannounced. A few of the more decent ones managed to recover in time to bow their heads in respect as I passed. The king must have been conducting official business, because all of his advisers were present, and I could hear more muted voices from inside the king’s throne room as I approached. I reached the center of the outer court, stood, and waited. What would Xerxes see when he looked up? Would he see the woman he loved, or the bride who had betrayed him, if only in her heart?
I could see Xerxes on his throne, surrounded by several men pushing scrolls toward him, and a eunuch who was fanning him in the late-day heat. Xerxes caught sight of my robe, first, I think, as the jewels reflected the afternoon light into a thousand red arcs across the mosaic floor. He stopped a moment to take in my vision, and I held my breath.
Smiling broadly, his eyes held me there a moment, and all eyes turned to me. I had risked death to offer myself to him. My plain desire, my need of him, was not lost on his vanity. The men in the throne room immediately bowed and backed out of the room, and his smile grew wider. His eunuch, Harbana, handed him the golden scepter, and Xerxes extended it to me now.
I walked boldly, my chin quivering and eyes blinking back the hot tears of relief, and touched the tip of the scepter.
“What is your heart’s desire, my beloved queen? What do you want from your king? Just ask me now and it will be yours—even if it’s half my kingdom!” He said this so loudly I knew all standing outside had heard.
His eyes were undressing me even now and I could not help but force back a laugh. Thirty days’ absence had served me well. It gave me courage that he was eager to see me, and ready to give me so much.
“My good king knows I have never asked for gold or kingdoms. But if it should please my king,” I replied, bowing again low to the ground so everyone would see the esteem I held him in, “let my king come, with Haman, to a dinner I’ve prepared for him. Give me what is rightfully mine as your queen: an evening to honor and serve you.”
Xerxes’ eyes brightened immediately—a feast would be a welcome distraction from the tedious affairs of running a kingdom.
“Get Haman at once,” Xerxes commanded Harbana, “and we will go to dinner with Queen Esther.”
I bowed before the king once more and kissed his hand as he returned me to my feet. “The king has honored me above all women, all the days I have known you. You will recline on my bosom tonight, and remember why you made me queen.”
With that, I exited carefully backward, taking care to show everyone in the palace and inner court that I honored the king in every way. I was led by another palace eunuch to the banquet hall that Ashtari had commanded to be prepared. It was, truly, perfect. Candles and flowers, cascading green vines surrounded a gold, carved table laden heavy with baskets of cherries and walnuts, bowls of honey and oil, roasted lamb with leeks and onions and the sultry scent of saffron drifting from a stew of meat. Bread, nearly white from the care taken in grinding the wheat, had split open from the oven heat, and its hot breath was escaping into the room. A pitcher of cream nestled next to a platter of berries.
I was still taking it in, and silently praising Ashtari for her excellence, when the king was announced. I turned and bowed low, and when I rose I saw that he was followed in by Haman. Up close I understood the continual gossip that he was the most handsome man the courts had ever hosted. He did not walk; he strode into the room, as if every step claimed his own rightful territory. Seeing Haman made me wonder for a moment if G-d took greater care in crafting some of us, for truly this man was perfect. Yet something rotten leeched from his skin and hung from his teeth when he smiled at me. I steeled my shoulders as he took me in. And he did, his eyes moving carelessly over me, too familiar in the king’s presence. I could not have anticipated this. For an instant I hoped Xerxes would seize upon the man and I could be done with him, but Xerxes paid no notice. He was already sampling the temptations laid before him.
I stretched a thin smile at Haman and gestured to him to sit. He reclined against a yellow silk cushion and spread a lamb’s fleece under his feet. The king chose his favorite—a purple cushion that the Egyptian servants have described as bearing a resemblance to a hippopotamus. But it enveloped him and it took no minor adjustment to position myself behind him, so that he could recline against my bosom to be fed. The evening was only beginning, but as I poured the wine for the king (I let Haman be served by the table eunuchs), he was high in spirits.
“Now, what is it you want, my beloved? I would give you half of all I own, if you would but ask!” Xerxes implored. One hand was running down the length of my dress, the other was clutching his goblet.
Haman’s eyes had not left mine, or my body, since he first entered. He followed Xerxes’ hand as it traveled, over the dress, down my thigh. He paid notice to the jewel tucked into my bosom and when he licked his lips after a sip of wine, I wondered what taste was in his mouth. I noted that his dagger was at his side, which was not the custom of the men of the court.
But it was not yet time.
“Here’s what I want,” I replied to Xerxes and ran my fingers through his hair gently. Haman’s eyes followed my every move, and both men stopped drinking their wine to listen for my request. What crisis had prompted his queen to ask for an audience? What would he give up tonight? Another jewel? Some prize from the treasury?
“If the king favors me and is pleased to do what I desire and ask,” I paused, “let the king and Haman come again tomorrow to the dinner that I will fix for them.”
Haman smiled at me, and took another deep draught of wine as his gaze lingered like the wet lick of a dog on my face. I could not know what Haman was imagining as the reason for my repeated invitation. In his wretched imagination and vain ambition, all was possible. His was the voice I had heard that night, the serpent in the garden. Perhaps he thought that his words had prompted my own impatience to end Xerxes’ reign and at last be in another’s arms.
Xerxes exhaled and laughed, and raised his glass in a toast. He plainly understood me to mean I wanted nothing but his company. Perhaps tomorrow night I would merely chide him for having not called me for these thirty days. He raised his cup and toasted Haman and me: “Let us feast tonight, and return tomorrow for more pleasures.”
We did. I made a careful point to exit the feast as the last of the wine was being opened.
“Drink a cup for loyalty to the crown,” I proposed as I made my way to the door. I hoped my words were not lost on Haman. They were certainly lost on Xerxes, who, although having eaten everything I put before him, looked as if I had only awakened his appetite. He was not entirely pleased to see me go.
The girls were waiting up for me, all perched on the edges of the chairs and the bed in my chambers. They leaped to their feet when they saw me, searching my face for some clue of the outcome.
“I said nothing. Tomorrow night we will feast again.”
A few girls just stared, and a few groaned. Only one spoke up: “Will we fast, then, until tomorrow night?”
I was so weary, from the fast of three days, from the fever-pitch of fear, that I could only smile at her question and shake my head no. “If you have not eaten yet, please send to the kitchen for a sample of the banquet to be brought to your room at my command. It is time to eat, and let our fate rest on shoulders other than our own. The events have been set in motion, and G-d is aware of our plan.” I patted the servant girl on her hand.
Finally Ashtari spoke. I sensed her confusion, and wondered if it was fear or anger making her want the conclusion tonight, and not tomorrow.
“Why, Queen Esther, why did you not speak tonight?” she asked.
I met her eyes. “Ashtari, when you grab a serpent by the neck, if you
let go too soon, will it not bite you? I must be sure Haman’s fate is sealed, his neck broken, before I release him back to the king.”
The answer hung in the air, and the girls turned slowly to return to their bedchambers for the night. Only Ashtari remained and helped me prepare for bed. Her hands were steady and gentle as she brushed out my hair. Although we spoke little, I knew she was not at peace with my decision to prolong our agony.
Later that night, I slept fitfully. The wine and rich foods burned in my stomach. Three days of fasting had prepared my spirit but had done little for my body. The evening weighed heavily in my dreams, too, and Haman appeared to me over and over, standing over my bed, his hands finding me in the darkness, his smile dripping a poison that burned my eyes. With each rotted nightmare I jolted awake, but Ashtari was there, wiping my brow and smoothing the silk coverlet back down. My eyes were only stinging from tears and exhaustion, she explained; Haman had not been in the room.
Somewhere in the palace another set of workers was preparing the next feast, and still more were riding out into the countryside in search of more delicacies and delights to adorn the table. When at last I could sleep no more, I rose and looked out my balcony. It seemed to me the sun had not slept well, either. It was making a mean entrance in the horizon.
My thoughts turned to Mordecai, and what he was doing. He must know by now that I am still at least alive, although the Jews’ fate was still undecided. But what of him? Will Haman touch him before the day of the slaughter? Is Mordecai yet alive?
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