Shallow Pond

by Alissa Grosso

  “Where’s my black sweater?” she asked, digging through the pile beside the bed.

  I left her there and ran downstairs. I threw open the door, but it wasn’t Officer Hantz on the other side. Zach stood there, looking better than it should have been possible for any human being to look.

  “Hey stranger,” he said.

  “Hi,” I said back.

  “I know you’ve been acting like I don’t exist, but I figured I would push my luck and see if you wanted to go out tonight.”

  Looking at him standing there, it was hard to believe I’d been managing to block out Zach Faraday’s magnetism. Being in his presence seemed to do something to me—I didn’t have the willpower to ignore him another second. Thankfully, Annie was going out on a date of her own that night, so I didn’t have to feel bad about leaving her all alone.

  I heard Annie coming down the stairs behind me. I turned to tell her that it wasn’t her date, but she’d frozen in the middle of the staircase. Her skin looked horribly pale, and I could tell it wasn’t all due to the black sweater she’d added to her ensemble. She covered her mouth with her hand. She looked absolutely terrified.

  She was staring right at Zach, but she seemed not to be seeing him. I glanced over his shoulder to see if there was something going on outside, but I didn’t see anything.

  “Annie?” I said.

  “What? How? Oh God!” she stammered. Was she having some sort of fit? Was she in pain? I couldn’t tell what was going on. She shook her head and ran back up the stairs.

  “Is she all right?” Zach asked.

  I didn’t know. “I need to go check on her,” I said.

  “Maybe now’s not a good time, then.” There was a de-feated look in his eyes, and I felt a pain in my chest.

  “I’ll be right back,” I said.

  “I can wait in my car,” he offered. He was still standing outside the door. I hadn’t gotten around to inviting him in.

  “You can wait in here.”

  He glanced at the empty living room, then up the stairs where Annie had gone. “I’ll wait outside.”

  I shut the door and ran up the stairs after Annie. She was in the bathroom. The door was locked.

  “Annie, what’s wrong? Are you okay?”

  “Is he gone?” Her voice sounded faint and weak from inside the bathroom.

  “Who? Zach? He’s waiting out in his car.”

  “Zach? The boy from school that you like?”

  “Yeah—what, you thought that was your date? He’s kind of young for you, don’t you think?” She didn’t respond. “Annie, open the door.”

  “I don’t feel well,” she said.

  “It’s just nerves. You haven’t been on a date in like forever.”

  “No, it’s my head. I think I’m starting to see things, hallucinate.”

  I wondered what she’d seen that had freaked her out so much. The doorbell rang. It wouldn’t be Zach again. It must be Officer Hantz.

  “I have to go answer the door,” I said. “I think that’s your date.”

  “Tell him I can’t do it,” Annie said. “Tell him I’m sick.”

  “No,” I said. “You can come down and tell him yourself.”

  Officer Hantz was holding a grocery-store bouquet of flowers in his hand when I opened the door. Not being completely overcome with irrational desire as I’d been a few minutes earlier, I remembered my manners and invited him in.

  “She’s upstairs, just getting ready,” I told him.

  “I don’t know if you’re aware of this or not, but there’s a young man out on the sidewalk pacing back and forth in front of a Mustang,” Officer Hantz said. Apparently Zach had not mastered the skill of waiting patiently. “I’m not sure what you said to him, but I’m hoping your sister goes a little easier on me.”

  I tried to smile brightly, but I wasn’t sure if it was reassuring or not. I was pretty sure that any minute Annie would come downstairs looking like death warmed over and telling Hantz that she was too sick to venture out.

  “I’ll be right back,” I said. I went back upstairs and knocked on the bathroom door. “He brought flowers. You need to at least come down and talk to him.”

  “Just tell him I’m sick,” Annie said.

  “No.”

  I heard the water in the sink running. When she finally stepped out of the bathroom some color had returned to her face, but she still didn’t look that good.

  “What was all that about?” I asked.

  “I thought I saw someone,” she said. She stood in the hallway and stared at the stairs. “I’m afraid to go downstairs.”

  “I’ll walk with you.”

  We walked down the stairs together, Annie taking them one at a time like an invalid. She gripped my arm when we reached the bottom of the stairs. Officer Hantz was standing by the mantel looking at the picture of Susie. He turned around when he heard us. Annie’s grip tightened on my arm, but before I could cry out in pain, she released it and I felt her relax. Officer Hantz smiled at her.

  “That must be your mother,” he said pointing at the photo. “She looks just like you.”

  “Yes,” Annie said with a smile. “You’ll have to excuse me, I haven’t been feeling well.”

  “Oh. I’m sorry. We could go out another night if you’re not up for it.”

  “No,” I said a little too loudly for our small living room. “She’s fine. She needs to get out of the house.”

  “Have you eaten?” Officer Hantz asked. “We could just grab something to eat if you wanted.”

  “I’d like that,” Annie said.

  A few minutes later I watched them walking down to Officer Hantz’s car and caught a glimpse of Zach, now seated behind the wheel of his car. I really shouldn’t have kept my distance from him.

  I threw on my jacket and ran down to the street. I yanked open the passenger door of his car and got in.

  “Let’s go to the diner,” I said.

  “Sure,” he said.

  Twenty-Nine

  “You’ve been so chilly to me this week,” Zach said when our food arrived. We’d barely spoken on the ride over, and other than exchanging a word here and there, we’d said nothing to each other since sitting down in the diner.

  “Yeah, I’ve had stuff on my mind,” I said.

  “So that means you avoid me?” he asked. “I don’t understand why you can’t just talk to me. I thought we had something, and I thought that if you were upset, you would talk to me about it instead of trying to pretend I don’t exist.”

  “My sister left town,” I said.

  “Gracie?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Well, see, that wasn’t so hard, was it? Talking to me, telling me stuff.”

  I shook my head. I tried to focus all my attention on the grilled cheese sandwich on my plate. If I looked at Zach I was pretty sure I’d lose the ability to speak entirely.

  “It’s more complicated than that,” I said.

  “It’s not complicated at all.”

  I put down my sandwich and looked at him. He was gorgeous. If I had the chance to play God and design a perfect-looking guy, I would have created someone who looked just like Zach. His eyes met mine and I felt my pulse quicken.

  “Why do you like me?” I asked.

  “What kind of question is that?”

  “I’m serious. Why do you like me? Why me and not someone else?”

  “Because you’re smart and you’re pretty. You’re independent. You don’t care what anyone else thinks. Because no one else makes me feel the way you do.”

  I replayed his last sentence in my head: Because no one else makes me feel the way you do. Did he feel it too, then?

  “When I’m around you, I become someone else,” I said. But no, that wasn’t quite it. “I don’t recognize myself around
you. I lose control.”

  “Is that such a bad thing?” he asked.

  “It’s scary,” I said.

  “No, what’s scary is thinking you could walk away from me—that I could lose you.”

  “You’re not being realistic. We don’t know each other that well. Besides, we have our whole lives ahead of us.”

  “The reason we don’t know each other that well is because you keep yourself closed off,” Zach said. His brow furrowed in anger, and it was something about that wrinkled forehead and the dark look he gave me that made me gasp out loud and drop my sandwich onto my plate as I turned away from him. For a moment there, he hadn’t looked at all like Zach.

  When I looked back at him he was smiling at me, and he looked like Zach again—but no, I could see it. It flickered in and out, but if I squinted and pictured Zach looking older, I could see it.

  “Oh my God,” I said.

  “What?” he asked. He turned around and looked behind him as if there might be someone back there, but there wasn’t. He was the one I suddenly couldn’t take my eyes off of, and not because of his incredible good looks. In fact, I was beginning to doubt that he really was good-looking.

  Annie had thought she was hallucinating, and I’d thought she was freaking out from a bad case of nerves, but she wasn’t hallucinating. I could see it too. I now understood why she’d been so scared that she’d locked herself in the bathroom. Zach bore a striking resemblance to our not-quite father. It wasn’t surprising that Annie had seen it before I did—she’d spent more time with him, too much time. Plus, she’d known him longer, known him when he was a bit younger. Most of my mental images of my father came from unreliable childhood memories and what few snapshots we had of him. Of course there were only a few of these—he had been the one who was usually behind the camera, not Susie, since she’d died before we were ever created.

  “Are you all right?” Zach asked.

  “I’m not sure,” I said.

  For a moment I wondered if I was overreacting. Maybe the stress of everything—Annie being sick, Gracie leaving, the three of us being something other than normal—had taken its toll on me. I could be hallucinating. I looked at Zach, and it was like I was looking into the eyes of my father. How could I have never seen it before?

  It all made sense, too. Zach had been left on the steps of a convent. He’d never known who his parents were—and that was because, like me, he didn’t have parents, not in the traditional sense. He was the product of some mad scientist’s stupid experiment. Who would do a thing like this? Why would they do it?

  As these questions spun through my mind, they must have written themselves on my face because Zach said, “You’re starting to freak me out.”

  “I’m starting to get freaked out,” I said.

  I realized something else. All these years, Zach’s life had been financed by a mysterious secret benefactor. Not only that, but for no apparent reason this same benefactor had arranged for him to move to Shallow Pond. That was no accident. Of all the towns in the country, to be sent to Shallow Pond—which was already home to three more clones than your average American town—could be nothing but pure manipulation. Everything I felt about Zach—the way it seemed he’d been sent just for me—that wasn’t just a feeling. That was real. This wasn’t the work of the fates of the universe. Zach’s benefactor wanted him to move to Shallow Pond so that he could meet me and we could fall in love, just like our clones had thirty-some years before.

  My stomach churned uncomfortably and I felt hot and dizzy. Suddenly everything was too close. I needed space and fresh air.

  “I’ll be right back,” I said. I ran out of the diner and into the parking lot. It was chilly outside, and I’d left my jacket back in the booth, but I didn’t care. The cold air felt good.

  We were like chess pieces in someone’s weird and twisted game, or puppets dancing at the pull of a string. I began playing back events from my life to see if they had really been the way I remembered them or if they, too, had been orchestrated by some demented puppet master. Who was this puppet master? Obviously, one and the same as Zach’s benefactor. Perhaps before he’d died, my father had set up some sort of trust fund and given some attorney or someone specific instructions on providing for the alleged orphan boy. Perhaps Dr. Feld was involved in some way—but no, he hadn’t known about my father’s death.

  I thought about how strange that was. Surely someone so close to my father would have heard the news of his death. Annie had handled all the arrangements, and Annie had known about Dr. Feld; she’d made us take her to University Hospital specifically to see him. So why wouldn’t she have contacted him when our father died?

  I knew there was only one answer that made any sense. I played back the events of his death. There had been a short service at the funeral home. Besides us, some of the other folks from around town had been there, but not friends of my father’s. He really hadn’t had any; it was just folks who knew Annie or Gracie. I think my teacher showed up. There hadn’t been any viewing, of course, just the urn containing his ashes on display at the front of the room, next to the most recent photo we had of him. I thought of Susie’s grave in Shallow Pond’s cemetery. Why would he choose to be cremated instead of being laid to rest beside the love of his life?

  “I thought you might be cold out here,” Zach said. He walked over and handed me my jacket. “Was it something I said?”

  I shook my head and thought about how Zach said I didn’t share things with him. Maybe that was instinct on my part.

  “Remember how my sister freaked out before?” I asked.

  “Hard to forget.”

  “I think maybe I understand why. Do you think you could drive me home?”

  “Sure, fine.” His shoulders slumped as he walked toward his car. I stood there for a moment watching him, then jogged to catch up.

  “Zach!” I called, even though I was only a step or two behind him. “I’m crazy about you!” His eyes brightened. “It’s just I’m not sure why I am, and I’m scared about why I am.”

  “Is that supposed to make sense?”

  “I’m sorry. I can’t explain right now.”

  Just the porch light was on when Zach pulled up to the curb. I figured Annie must still be out, which made sense. The night was young. I should still have been out too.

  “Pull into the driveway,” I said. “It’s okay. Gracie took the minivan with her when she left.”

  “I’m not worried about the minivan,” Zach said. “I’m worried about you.”

  “I’m fine,” I said. “I just need to check something. Wait here. I’ll be right back.”

  I ran into the house and went straight to the small room my father had used for an office. After he died, we’d kept the room closed, using it for boxes of Christmas decorations and other odds and ends. I’d never liked the room, maybe because I’d always associated it with my grumpy father. I went straight to the desk, which still had some papers on top. What I wanted to find was a death certificate. That would make it all official. But the papers on the desk were mostly copies of old utility bills and tax papers. I opened the drawers, surprised to find them empty. Most people don’t clean out their desks before they die, but I figured maybe Annie did after he died—though why leave other papers on top of the desk? I looked around the room to see if there was some other place a death certificate might be lurking. Instead, my eyes fell on the urn.

  It was an ugly thing, in black and gold, probably the cheapest model the funeral parlor offered. No sense spending any more than was necessary on the death of an unpleasant man. Unless the urn hadn’t even come from the funeral home. Perhaps it had been bought on the clearance shelf at Wal-Mart. Perhaps it didn’t contain ashes at all. I yanked the lid off and peeked inside, but saw immediately that it was two-thirds full of ashes. I quickly replaced the lid, uncomfortable staring at my dead father reduced to a pile of ash
. It was strange to think that a full-grown person took up so little space after cremation.

  I was about to walk out of the room, to give up, when a nagging feeling made me go back to the urn. Part of me resisted the idea, creeped out at the thought of looking at what remained of my father. I bit my lip as I lifted the lid again and forced myself to look at the contents.

  Ashes. But as I stared, I saw it—a piece of ash that was bigger than the others, too big. I held my breath and reached my hand into the urn. The large piece of ash was a piece of paper. I stared at the type on it. Random letters that had once been part of long-lost words, and something else: $300 OBO. I was looking at what remained from a page of newspaper classified ads.

  There could be a reasonable explanation. Maybe my fa-ther had a newspaper with him when he was cremated, or perhaps just a page from a newspaper that he’d clipped out and shoved into his pocket, and even though the high heat of the cremation furnace had reduced the rest of him to ash it had somehow left behind this scrap of fragile paper.

  I knew what I needed to do. I sucked in my breath and held it again as I reached into the urn and this time scooped a handful of ash in my hand. I stared at it as I let it drift through my fingers. At first, I saw only gray ashes, but as I stared I caught glimpses of a few letters here, a number there, everything in black no-nonsense newspaper type. The urn did not contain human remains, just newspaper remains. It confirmed what I’d already figured out. He was still alive.

  I sank down to the floor and rested my head against the wall. The urn fell from my hand, spilling its newspaper ash across the floor. Annie had known this whole time, of course. She was the one who’d made him leave. The other night I’d asked her why she hadn’t simply run away, but she was smarter than that. She’d figured out a better solution. She’d made him go away, and had him fake his death so that no one would ever try to find him. She must have blackmailed him into leaving. She certainly had enough information to do so.

  For a moment I wondered how this changed anything. The man I’d barely known who’d turned out to not be my father after all wasn’t dead as I’d believed. He was alive, probably living under an assumed name somewhere out there in the world. Did this really make any difference to me? The more I thought about it, the more I realized what I needed to do.