Be My Baby

by A. L. Michael

  ‘You mean...’

  ‘I mean we are fortunate enough to live in an age where biology doesn’t define us. You have options.’

  ‘I do,’ Mollie nodded. ‘I need to think.’

  ‘Of course.’

  ‘What do you think I should do?’

  Ruby snorted, ‘I think you should get used to never asking anyone that question, because you’re never going to like the answer, and you’ll only end up more confused. Only please yourself.’

  ‘I might wait until I’ve figured out what I’m going to do before I tell Jamie.’

  Ruby nodded silently, leaning her head against Mollie’s.

  ‘Nothing ends your life, Molls. Only death. No decision you make will end your escape. People leave war-torn countries with babies hoisted on their backs and carried in their bellies. If you want to leave Badgeley, a baby isn’t going to stop you.’

  Mollie nodded, sniffling just a little, ‘I... have to take my history exam in twenty minutes.’

  Ruby looked at her as she suddenly burst into tears, her shoulders shaking silently as she suddenly wailed.

  ‘I don’t even have a pen! I can’t be a mother if I don’t bring a pen to an exam! I don’t have a pen, Ruby!’

  Ruby, for once in her life, managed not to laugh, and instead held her friend close and stroked her hair as they sat on the floor of the girls’ bathroom, rummaging through her bag.

  Twenty minutes later, Mollie sat cool, calm and collected with red-rimmed eyes and a running nose in her exam. She was holding twelve pens.

  ***

  ‘Jamie should come have lunch with us, shouldn’t he Mum?’ Esme grinned up at her mother, who shrugged. Esme put a hand up and fake whispered to Jamie, ‘When we have lunch out with other people I’m allowed to eat fast food!’

  ‘Very subtle, Ez,’ Mollie rolled her eyes. ‘No burgers. Noodles?’

  Esme nodded seriously, ‘I am going to have all the things with MSG please thank you.’

  Jamie burst out laughing, hooting so loudly that the people behind him frowned.

  ‘What’s funny?’ Esme frowned.

  ‘You, bargaining for MSG. Your mum must be very strict about healthy food.’

  ‘No,’ Esme shrugged, ‘I just like getting to have stuff I don’t normally have.’

  ‘Especially if she thinks it’s bad for her,’ Mollie laughed, ruffling her daughter’s hair. ‘So, you joining us for some MSG?’

  She was shocked at how easy it was, letting him join them as they wandered around, how intently he listened to Esme, how much he enjoyed seeing everything. He was almost like a child himself at some moments, pure joy on his face until he stepped back and shook his head, like he was remembering to be an adult. It was too easy to be around him, and Mollie felt herself erect those guards around herself, keeping her distance. She was doing this for Esme, to let her know him. It wasn’t that weird tingle on the back of her neck when he looked at her. It was nothing to do with that at all. He wasn’t the same person. And even if his story was real, he was still the one who’d left. He’d either been cowardly or stupid, and they were not great options.

  ‘I’d love to, I’ve just gotta head to the toilets, I’ll meet you outside?’

  Mollie nodded and wondered if this was some scheme of his, letting her and Esme have time alone, to see how she was doing. That was a Jamie kind of thing to do. Not that she knew whether he still did Jamie kind of things at all.

  She and Esme leaned back against the wall outside the aquarium, watching the people pass by.

  ‘So... what do you think of Jamie?’ she asked, blunt as ever.

  Esme looked up, regarding her carefully, her bright eyes narrowed as she thought.

  ‘Is he the reason you didn’t have wine with Olivia’s dad? Do you want to have wine and cuddles with Jamie instead?’

  ‘No!’ Mollie frowned, confused, ‘Hun, Jamie’s not my boyfriend. Is that what you thought?’

  ‘Well, yeah,’ Esme shrugged, hands in her pockets. ‘That’s what happens in the movies, they don’t know how to tell the kid, so they accidentally bump into each other... anyway, it’s okay, Mum. I think you should have someone to drink wine with.’

  Mollie paused, unsure how to deal with this information. She wasn’t entirely sure how to proceed, so she just said, ‘He really is an old friend, and he wanted to meet you.’ At least that was true.

  Esme shrugged, ‘He seems nice. He doesn’t know very much about fish, though.’

  ‘No, but he hasn’t got an Esme in his life to tell him, like I have,’ Mollie grinned, pulling her daughter close and cuddling her, before realising just how true that was. He had already missed so much.

  ‘Hey there,’ Jamie arrived, holding out an absolutely massive stuffed penguin toy, ‘Um, Esme, this is for you. To say thank you for teaching me so much today.’ He handed it over awkwardly, and Esme’s look of surprise twisted into elation and joy as she cuddled it.

  ‘Thank you! I love penguins! Did you know the Kent Zoo gave two gay male penguins an egg to raise and they’re two of the best penguin parents? How cool is that!’ Esme nuzzled into the soft penguin toy, about half the size of her, and grinned up at Jamie. ‘I’ll call him Jamie. Jamie the penguin.’

  ‘I got something for you too,’ he smiled shyly at Mollie, offering her a smaller stuffed animal, about the size of her palm. It was a light blue seahorse.

  ‘Did you know seahorse males carry the baby?’ Esme said, still staring at her penguin and smiling.

  Mollie looked at him quizzically, wondering whether there was some sort of meaning behind the gift, something to do with fatherhood and responsibility, but he shrugged and said, ‘It reminded me of that godawful ugly necklace I got you when we were teenagers, you remember? The one with the dangly bits that kept getting caught and tugging your hair out. That was a seahorse, wasn’t it?’

  Mollie remembered. It was the ugliest thing she’d ever seen, a golden seahorse that seemed to move, split into pieces so that the body and head hung separately, little red crystals for eyes that made it look evil. She loved Jamie for buying her jewellery, it felt so grown-up, but it had been so very ugly. In the end she’d said it was pulling her hair out so she could stop wearing it.

  ‘Aw, it was a nice gesture.’

  ‘It was ugly as hell, is what it was,’ he laughed, smiling at her, and she felt herself lighten as she smiled up at him, those light eyes soft and friendly.

  ‘Why did you buy my mum a necklace?’ Esme frowned.

  ‘Birthday, I think?’ Jamie shrugged, looking at Mollie quickly, and then moving on, ‘So, where are these MSG noodles I’ve heard so much about?’

  She knew he remembered from that look. Mollie led them along, Esme chattering about what kind of noodles she wanted as they wove in and out of the crowds. She was playing with fire, Mollie knew. She’d seen Jamie three times in a week, after a decade, and he could still make her dizzy when he smiled at her like that. But she had to do this, for Esme’s sake.

  ***

  ‘I got you something,’ he smiled at her, tucking his hair behind his ears, only for it to fall forward again. They were sat on the sofa at her house, her mum was out for the weekend with her latest fella, and it felt wonderful to have this time alone. Sneaky and indulgent and just a little terrifying. It seemed different now to before, when he’d just come round and they’d watch movies for hours.

  ‘A present?’

  ‘It’s our anniversary,’ Jamie grinned, ‘anniversaries are about presents.’

  ‘I didn’t get you anything!’ Mollie apologised, ‘I didn’t even know it was our anniversary!’

  Jamie nodded, proud of himself, ‘A year ago today we met up again at that party, remember, and we chatted sitting on the bench and I gave you my hoodie. And you told me you hated Nirvana and I said I wasn’t sure if we could be friends.’

  ‘And I said that I didn’t know if I could be friends with someone who was so small-minded,’ Mollie grinned.

 
‘And here you are, in love with someone who’s small-minded and has better taste in music than you,’ he stuck out his tongue and laughed, pulling her close, kissing her neck. ‘Open your present.’

  The little golden seahorse jiggled on the chain, the little red crystals for eyes slightly alarming as you first looked at it. Mollie didn’t care. She’d never had a present from a boy before. And no one had ever bought her jewellery, except for her mum, who’d bought her a silver necklace with a star when she was thirteen. She put it on eagerly, and kissed him.

  ‘It’s wonderful!’

  He grinned at her, holding her close and kissed her forehead.

  ‘You deserve everything, Molls. You deserve every good thing.’

  It was their first time that night, nervous and awkward as they trembled together, laughing occasionally, and as Mollie held him in her arms, she stared at him, their eyes locked on each other, as if they were fearful of forgetting. It was not life changing, or amazing, but it was something that was theirs – a secret moment that bonded them together, and she loved him even more for giving her that.

  Chapter Five

  ‘So, what happened then?’

  Sunday morning, and Mollie was trying to get into good habits, joining Chelsea for a run. She insisted they weren’t becoming more frequent with the wedding looming, but Mollie could see that her friend was becoming a little drawn from the pressure. As much as she swished her blonde bob and grinned, Mollie knew she wasn’t her normal self. They pounded the pavement alongside the canal, following the water past those partiers who had stayed out, now sitting on park benches desperately clutching takeaway coffee cups like a lifeline.

  ‘So he came around the aquarium with us.’ Mollie shook her head, ‘It was fine.’

  Chelsea frowned, whizzing around a group of teenagers as she tried to keep her pace, ‘What was he doing in the aquarium anyway? Was he stalking you? I mean, it’s a pretty big city, it’s hardly a coincidence.’

  Mollie snorted, ‘I thought that too. When I told him Esme wanted to be a marine biologist, he decided he wanted to know more about fish, so when he talked to her he was prepared.’

  ‘Aw!’ Chelsea squeaked, ‘That warms even my cold, dead heart.’

  ‘Cold dead heart getting married to Prince Charming soon enough, shut up with your hard person act. We both know you’re mushy as hell. But yes, it was... sweet.’

  Chelsea smirked to herself, slowing down slightly, ‘There’s still something there for you, isn’t there?’

  ‘For the man I believed abandoned me when I was a pregnant teenager? No, that would be pathetic.’

  ‘You haven’t dated anyone else...’ Chelsea grinned.

  ‘I lived in Badgeley! I was raising a kid. I didn’t wanna be like our mums, bringing a string of guys back and making us uncomfortable. It wasn’t about him, it was about what kind of parent I wanted to be.’

  ‘But now?’

  ‘Now I’m going to gently start dating. Hell, I might even take up Max’s offer of a drink if it’ll get you off my case!’

  ‘Obnoxious Max?’

  ‘Grown-up Max. What, he’s cute? And an adult. With a kid. It would be a smart choice.’

  ‘Do what you need to do babe, nothing to do with me,’ Chelsea shrugged as she ran, holding her arms out and almost hitting a punk in the face. ‘Jamie, though... the learning about fish thing was cute, it’s good he’s making an effort. Always was a swot, all the reading and researching.’

  ‘Also, fish are therapeutic.’

  They slowed to a brisk walk and Chelsea frowned at her, ‘What?’

  ‘His army therapist suggested he do things that are relaxing. Fish are relaxing.’

  ‘Fish are boring, is that the same thing?’ Chelsea stuck her tongue out, then got serious, ‘So... he’s messed up in the head?’

  Mollie shrugged, ‘I don’t know. Though I probably wouldn’t say it like that if I were to ask him. He mentioned he needs to be signed off for active duty, in terms of mental health. He was out there longer than he should have been, or something? I don’t know, it’s just not something I ever would have guessed for him.’

  ‘His dad was army though, wasn’t he?’ Chelsea pursed her lips, trying to remember, ‘Wasn’t that why he left primary school, and then came back during secondary? His dad went to a different base or something?’

  ‘Where do you store this random information?’ Mollie snorted, ‘All that and you can’t remember how to make risotto.’

  ‘I don’t need to. I have a man who loves to cook, and the guy who runs the cafeteria at work has a soft spot for me. And I have you to feed me the rest of the time. I’m sorted. Leaving me free to remember what our childhood friends’ parents did for a living.’

  They started running again, picking up pace.

  ‘So, when are you seeing him again?’

  ‘Today,’ Mollie said simply, gritting her teeth. ‘Esme invited him to games night. She also helpfully said that he needed to try my chocolate banana loaf, which is a fun afternoon of yet more baking, ahead of my course next week.’

  ‘Like you don’t love it,’ Chelsea snorted, jostling her a little as they ran. ‘Molls... aren’t you a bit scared? Of what it means that he’s around, how it’s all going to fit and work? And if Esme’s going to get hurt when he goes?’

  ‘Yes, I’m bloody terrified,’ Mollie took a deep breath, looking straight ahead and focusing on breathing, her ponytail swinging behind her.

  ‘And what about you? When he goes again, back to the army. What about you?’

  ‘Nothing to do with me, is it?’ Mollie said simply, and sped up, until Chelsea had to stop talking to keep up.

  Something was up with Esme. She had her scheming face on. She kept waltzing in and out of the kitchen in the studio, opening the oven door countless times to check on the banana bread, her glasses fogging up with the steam.

  ‘Esme! Stop it!’ Mollie growled, ‘Go set up the cushions and everything, do you want to put anything on the projector?’

  Their Sunday night games night had become an institution, one they were considering opening to the public at some point. But for now it was just for them, sitting around the huge, low coffee table that Killian had made especially for that purpose, white washed and painted a cherry red, with just a hint of sparkle in the gloss. They sat on huge oversized pillows on the floor, wrapped up in blankets, and now they had the projector to play a movie in the background, or put on a playlist over the speaker system. At times the Ruby Rooms was a massive responsibility and there was a desperate need to make it successful, to make it run perfectly and create a legacy. At other times, it was just an awesome place to live.

  Esme shrugged and pouted, wandering back out to the main studio room, before returning to the kitchen, ‘Don’t you want to put some make-up on, Mum? Like, some lipstick or something?’

  ‘Is this your very sensitive way of telling me I look awful?’ Mollie raised an eyebrow at her daughter.

  ‘No,’ the little girl pursed her lips, tugging on her ‘Bleeding Heart Liberal’ t-shirt. Another thing stolen from Evie’s wardrobe and tucked up with safety pins, no doubt. ‘You just always say it’s nice to make an effort, don’t you? That’s why I’m wearing my sparkly mermaid headband. I’m making an effort.’

  ‘For Jamie? Why?’

  ‘Because I want him to like us!’ Esme rolled her eyes. Grown ups were so difficult.

  ‘He does like us. And he likes you for your knowledge of penguins and your kindness and sweetness and smarts. Not for the things you wear. Got it?’

  Esme huffed, ‘Yes Mum, beauty is only skin deep and it’s what’s on the inside that matters and I like my sparkly headband, okay? I just meant it’s nice to make things special.’

  ‘If my bare face on a Sunday afternoon offends you so, oh wise one, I’ll go put some lippie on, okay?’ Mollie felt her own eyes rolling, and then realised that probably wasn’t the best response to her own child. Except she didn’t want to make an effor
t. She didn’t want to feel special. She didn’t want Jamie to look at her and see that she cared. On the other hand, as she caught sight of herself in the reflection of the oven, with chocolate on her cheek and flour on her nose, perhaps the kid had a point.

  ‘He’s here, he’s here!’ Esme squealed as the doorbell rang, clapping her hands.

  ‘Well, open the door then, baby,’ Mollie said, taking a deep breath as she poked her head out from the studio’s kitchen, placing the banana bread on the side, and wiping at the chocolate smear with the back of her hand.

  ‘Hello!’ Esme said as she opened the door, ‘Welcome!’

  Mollie felt her heart break a little at that moment, watching her daughter stare up at that tall man who had the same eyes and smile and dimple in his left cheek that she did. She was so happy. And what happened when everything fell apart, when he left again? What happened when she asked him why he left? He was supposed to say her grandmother colluded with her fairy godmother, her idol, Ruby Tuesday, and tricked her out of a father, for no good reason? Gain a family member and lose two others in a day.

  Mollie thought perhaps it would have been easier if she hated him, if she’d disliked him immediately and didn’t want him around. Maybe it would have been better if he’d never come over that day, never found out. Their lives would have carried on, simple and lovely.

  Esme was showing Jamie around the main room, pointing out the different parts of the room.

  ‘Do you like the seat? It’s mine, Killian made it for me,’ Esme jumped on the patchwork red ottoman, and spun around on it. ‘It’s fun and functional.’

  Jamie grinned at her, ‘I can see that. And who’s Killian?’

  ‘I am.’ Killian walked from his studio, locking the door behind him, rubbing his hands together, ‘Game night, right?’

  He walked over, and Jamie felt the dark haired man assess him, like he was being scanned. Eventually, Killian just nodded and put out his hand, ‘I’m the carpenter, I work back there.’