Be My Baby

by A. L. Michael

  Mrs Clements nodded and Mollie rose and left without another word.

  Mollie paused as she saw Jamie crouched down in front of Esme, she was nodding in answer to his questions and her eyes looked a little puffy from crying, but she didn’t look like any of her clothes had been ripped from her. Maybe the headteacher was right, maybe this was to do with Jamie returning, making the situation ‘volatile’... she’d never had any trouble with her daughter before. And she wasn’t really sure what to do about it.

  She heard Jamie talking to her in hushed tones, ‘You stood up for yourself, and that’s important. It’s better to use words, but –’

  ‘– but I couldn’t, they’d already started pulling my hair!’ Esme burst into tears at the unfairness of it all, and Jamie tentatively eased her into a hug. She clung to him, burying her face in his chest and Mollie felt her heart break a little more. She gave them a moment, and then walked over.

  ‘Mum! I’m so sorry! I know not to hit but they hurt me and –’

  Mollie crouched down to wipe her daughter’s tears, and stroked her hair, ‘I know baby, let’s go home, okay? We can talk about it there.’

  ‘But you’re not mad at me?’ Esme grasped her hand and looked up at her mother, blatantly worried.

  ‘I know that you would never do anything bad unless you had to, I trust you,’ Mollie kissed her cheek and held out a hand. ‘Come on. We’re going to get to the bottom of this.’

  Esme turned and held out her other hand to Jamie, ‘Are you coming too?’

  Jamie nodded and took her hand.

  He drove them back to the Ruby Rooms in his car, and Mollie said nothing. Esme wasn’t feeling very chatty, but Jamie was trying hard, messing with the radio and asking her what songs she liked. Mollie held her tongue. Because on top of worrying about her daughter, getting irritated about that bitch of a headteacher and figuring out how to proceed as a mum, she also had to shout at Jamie. Which, to be honest, she was kind of looking forward to.

  ‘Ez, baby, go upstairs and read in your room for a bit, me and Ja– me and your dad have to have a chat first, okay?’ Mollie widened her eyes in a way that told her daughter it was not actually a question. Esme nodded slowly, but a smile crept onto her face as she saw Jamie wink at her. She nodded again and walked upstairs. Mollie waited for her footsteps to slow and stop, then called out, ‘Ez, I mean it, go to your room – no spying or I really will be mad at you.’

  The footsteps slowly restarted and she heard the front door up there open and close.

  She rounded on Jamie, who was standing there looking like he had no idea that he’d messed up.

  ‘What the hell was that in the headteacher’s office?’

  ‘What?’ he blinked, ‘Me defending you? Defending our child?’

  ‘Yes! That! Swearing at the woman who is in charge of our daughter’s grades, her academic career. She only has to last one year at this school, and then she’s off to secondary school – I don’t want anything screwing it up!’

  ‘But the way she was talking about you, about Esme, she–’

  ‘Jamie, you’ve got to be an adult in situations like this, you can’t just go storming in and swear at people. What if she’d kicked Esme out? Do you know how oversubscribed the schools in this area are? I struggled to get her into that one! I don’t need any more enemies and I don’t need any more drama!’

  ‘We could put her in a private school for a year, if she really hates it...’ Jamie shrugged, his light eyes wide. She could tell he was trying to be helpful but she just wanted to throw something at his head.

  ‘A private school! Do you even know how much private schools cost? And if she’s getting bullied at this school for being too unique, you think a group of rich kids aren’t going to start on her? And why, after already moving her once, would I move her again and put her through all that?’ Mollie could feel her heart racing and it was as if every worry she’d ever had was spilling out of her.

  ‘But I’ve got the money, I could–’ he started, shrugging his shoulders.

  ‘It’s not about the money! Not everything is about money! It’s about the right choice!’ Mollie screeched. ‘It’s about not being rude to that old bitch when it’s taken me forever to get my child into that school, and not threatening to move her somewhere else when you don’t have the authority to do that.’

  Jamie looked like she’d slapped him. He took a step back and a deep breath, looking at her, unflinching.

  ‘So you tell me to be a dad, that I can’t be in Esme’s life if I’m half-arsed about it, but you’re also telling me I have no right to have an opinion about what happens to her, or anything to do with her, that’s all down to you?’

  ‘Of course it’s down to me! I’m the one who’s been here all these years. I’m the one who knows what she needs. It was a terrible idea to take you to that meeting, it just gave her one more reason to judge me.’ Mollie collapsed onto the sofa, exhausted and emotional. Her head was pounding and she closed her eyes briefly.

  ‘I wanted to be here, Mollie. You know that! You have to know that! I was planning our future! I rejected my uni placement, and then when I found out you’d left and I tried to get it back, I couldn’t! My girlfriend had left me, I’d lost this child that I was actually excited about, no one would talk to me and my parents were angry at me. My friends couldn’t understand why I was giving up uni. I went somewhere else and started a new life, in a crappy college and got new friends, and I spiralled. And I joined the army because I had nothing else I was good at. Because I would have rather been here, living this life. And I wasn’t allowed to. So I really need you to back off with the abandonment bullshit, because I was abandoned too.’

  He was completely tensed, every muscle in his body, and his face was red and blotchy.

  ‘I know almost nothing about that little girl upstairs, except that she is mine to protect and love. And if someone is hurting her, especially because of my absence, then I’m going to do everything I can to stop her hurting,’ he said slowly, letting his shoulders drop and his breathing return to normal. ‘I’m sorry I swore at the horrible old cow. It wasn’t my place.’

  Mollie put her head in her hands, muffling her voice, ‘I’m sorry I told you to get involved and then bit your head off for getting involved.’

  They sat in silence for a moment, Mollie sitting back against the sofa with her eyes closed, just breathing. She felt Jamie’s hand take hers and squeeze briefly. Maybe it would be nice not to have to do this alone any more, to have someone to help out. But the idea of having to compromise on how she wanted to raise her daughter was terrifying.

  ‘So, what are we going to do?’ Jamie asked, waiting for her to open her eyes.

  ‘We go and talk to her, we get the full story, and we make her feel loved. We don’t get angry, we don’t swear revenge on those horrible little fuckers, and we encourage her to talk to us if anything happens again.’

  ‘Right, yes, talking,’ Jamie nodded, ‘I have some ideas about that.’

  ‘About talking?’ Mollie blinked, but Jamie just smiled and shrugged. ‘Okay, let’s hustle.’

  ‘Spit spot,’ Jamie said, and followed her up the stairs.

  Esme was lying on her bed, holding a book up above her head at arm’s length.

  ‘You can’t honestly read like that, can you?’ Jamie asked as they hovered at the door.

  ‘She can read in any number of weird ways,’ Mollie smiled, then turned to Esme. ‘Can we come in and chat to you?’

  Esme nodded, her eyes on Jamie as he took in her room, the little woven footstall, the window seat and the hundreds of books on the shelves all around the room. He smiled as he looked at the broken spines and dog-eared pages, and she smiled back at him, suddenly recognising him as one of her own: a book lover.

  ‘So, Ez, tell us what happened,’ Mollie said, plonking herself down on the bed. Jamie brought over a chair from the corner and sat on that, leaning in to hear what she had to say.

  ‘The oth
er kids were mean again,’ Esme shrugged tiredly, picking at a thread on her duvet. ‘It was no big deal, I got upset and I shouldn’t have.’

  ‘What did they say, baby?’ Mollie nudged gently.

  ‘They...’ Esme blushed, looking up at Jamie and then back at the duvet again. ‘They were saying about me not having a dad again, and I said actually I did have a dad and I met him and he’s nice.’ She smiled up at him and he grinned back, holding her gaze.

  ‘And then they said he would leave again because I was such a weirdo and no one would want to stay with me,’ Esme’s lip wobbled and Mollie saw Jamie start, as if he wanted to move forward and didn’t – instead he grasped the arms of the chair tightly and looked at Mollie in horror, his eyes wide as he looked to their daughter and back again: What do we do?

  ‘And then they pulled my hair and pinched me, so I pushed one of them, and she knocked into the other girl, and they fell over and started crying.’ Esme rolled her eyes, ‘Babies.’

  ‘Ez...’ Mollie started, trying not to get upset, ‘You–’

  ‘–shouldn’t push, I know Mum, and I won’t do it again, I just wanted them to stop pinching me and none of the teachers had noticed, and then they ran off to tell on me and it was too late.’ She sounded tired of it all, resigned to her fate.

  ‘Do you hate it there?’ Mollie asked her daughter seriously, ‘If you do, we can think of something.’

  Esme shook her head, ‘It’s only a year, Mum. And then everyone leaves anyway. They’re just... boring, you know? Like they don’t read and all they care about is make-up and boys and stupid TV shows... and I tried to join in but... I just don’t care. I’d rather be weird at school and then come home and be happy with you. I don’t want to learn dance routines and play with dolls and do all that stuff just to fit in. I can’t be bothered – I’m sorry.’

  ‘You’re sorry?’ Jamie laughed, reaching in and then pausing, patting the bed beside her leg. ‘You don’t have to be sorry for anything. That’s a really smart choice. I spent a lot of time pretending to fit in at school. My dad moved us around a lot, and I would play the clown and get in trouble, just to make friends. And you’re right, it was really tiring. And they weren’t real friends in the end. You’ll make real friends, ones you don’t have to pretend with.’

  ‘Like Mum, with Evie, Chelsea and Ruby.’

  Jamie nodded, looking at Mollie at the mention of Ruby. She shook it away and then smiled at her daughter. Their two blonde heads, side by side, Esme focusing on wiping the lenses of her thick rimmed glasses, Jamie saw the similarities, not just physically, but in how they dealt with emotion. Both looked at the duvet, picking at it, occasionally glancing up.

  ‘I’ve got my friends at the skate park, and my friends in Badgeley,’ Esme shrugged, ‘I don’t need these people.’

  ‘Did Olivia not stick up for you?’ Mollie asked, wondering what Max would have to say about his daughter getting into a fight.

  Esme rolled her eyes, ‘She’s a total sissy. Started crying as soon as the other girls fell over. She doesn’t have much character, Mum, you know?’

  Mollie bit her lip to stop herself from laughing, and saw Jamie chuckling to himself, staring at the floor.

  ‘I do know,’ Mollie said, clapping her hands. ‘So, the plan is...?’

  ‘I will tell you if people are mean again, and tell the teachers and not push anyone,’ Esme said seriously, nodding her head.

  Mollie nodded too, looking at Jamie, ‘Well then, we had an idea today and wanted to run it by you. Ja–’ she paused, ‘… your dad… was wondering if you wanted to take my class tonight, you and him? Do some cooking.’

  ‘I’m sure you could teach me a few things,’ Jamie smiled hopefully, ‘and that way we could support your mum in her work? But you don’t have to, I know you haven’t known me very long and we haven’t–’

  ‘Yes,’ Esme nodded, smiling. ‘That would be nice. I can tell you more about cuttlefish too.’

  ‘There are more things to know about cuttlefish!’ Jamie exclaimed, grinning, ‘Well, I look forward to it.’

  ‘I have a book on it actually,’ Esme got up, ‘Mum, can I show...’ she paused, clearly hesitating over whether to use ‘Jamie’ or ‘Dad’, and instead turned to him directly, ‘Can I show you my books?’

  Mollie nodded, as Jamie smiled at her, clearly nervous, ‘I’ll leave you to it, I better set up for my course. I’ll call when dinner’s ready. Jay – you’ll stay and have dinner, right? It seems silly to go home and then come back again.’

  He nodded, ‘Thank you.’

  As Mollie left, Jamie walked around to Esme’s bookcases, being careful of his head on the low ceilings. She was pointing out different ones that were about fish, and pulling out more and more, explaining which ones were good, which ones were too young for her now. She displayed her library with pride, and he remembered how much he had hidden himself away within books at that age, taking solace in fiction and unbelievable facts, instead of dealing with quite a lonely reality.

  ‘Ez, I got you something, I almost forgot.’

  ‘You already got me Jamie the penguin!’ she said, pointing at the stuffed animal, sitting on her bed, ‘I don’t need more things.’

  ‘This one’s a practical gift,’ he smiled, pulling a box from his backpack and giving it to her.

  Esme stared down at the box and then back up to him, ‘A mobile phone? Oh my goodness! I’m not old enough to have a mobile phone!’

  ‘Well, don’t take it to school or anything like that, but I just thought it would be nice if we could talk sometimes, you can tell me if anything’s wrong at school, or what books you’re reading, stuff like that. But you don’t have to!’ He held up his hands as if he was waving it away, ‘It’s only if you want to. And it means if there’s something going on at school, like with those horrible kids, you can tell me.’

  Esme bit her lip and nodded, ‘Do you think they’re going to do it again?’

  Jamie sighed, running a hand through his short hair and shaking his head, ‘I don’t know. When kids get hold of something, sometimes they don’t let go until they have to.’

  ‘How did you do it, when your dad made you move around everywhere?’

  ‘Well, I trained in boxing, it was the one good thing me and my dad did together, and then once the other kids saw I could fight, they never tried anything with me again.’

  Esme took this information in, chin resting on her hand as she leaned forward, sitting cross-legged on the floor with her book. Jamie sat down on the floor next to her.

  ‘Do you think you could teach me to box?’ Esme put up her fists, offering a quick jab, making a ‘Pow, pow!’ noise.

  ‘I could, but didn’t we decide violence wasn’t the answer?’

  ‘But I want to be prepared! And anyway, it’s important for girls to do self-defence, and it’s something we could do, like you and your dad, right? Please? I’d really like to learn something new.’

  Jamie relented, ‘Okay, I’ll teach you a few moves, but you’ve got to promise not to use anything I teach you. No beating up kids in the playground.’

  ‘You really don’t know me yet,’ Esme rolled her eyes.

  ‘Well, I want to fix that,’ Jamie said, smiling at her. ‘And Esme, I want you to know, I’m not going anywhere now. Now I know I’m your dad, I’m going to stay that way. I may have to go away with my work, but we can still email and talk on the phone, and... well, what those kids said isn’t true. I am so excited to get to know you, if you’ll let me.’

  Esme looked a bit taken aback, and pressed her lips together, tracing her fingers over the picture of the mobile phone on the box, ‘But what if I am a weirdo?’

  ‘Well, I’m a weirdo too, so, honestly, the weirder the better,’ Jamie grinned. ‘So, tell me about these fish...’

  Chapter Seven

  ‘Are you going to tell the girls?’ Ruby was lying on Mollie’s bed, painting her nails.

  ‘No,’ Mollie rolled her eyes. �
�They’ll tell me I’m throwing my life away.’

  ‘They won’t. At least not to your face.’

  ‘They’ll think it,’ Mollie lay next to Ruby on the bed, hands resting on her stomach.

  ‘Where’s Jay?’

  ‘Telling his parents about The Plan,’ Mollie sighed, closing her eyes. ‘It’s not going to go well. Veronica will hate me.’

  ‘Eh, she’s a stuck-up bitch, don’t worry about it.’

  ‘You think everyone’s a stuck-up bitch,’ Mollie sighed.

  Ruby grinned, her hair framing her face like a red halo as she blew on her nails, ‘Babe, I’m not being funny, but all of your parents are awful. Like, okay, Evie’s mum’s nice, but she’s a doormat, Chelsea’s mum’s a bitch and your mum’s....’

  ‘Mean? Hard as hell?’

  ‘A drunk,’ Ruby finished.

  ‘Well, yeah,’ Mollie sighed. ‘But at least she knows how to do this, I mean, she’s being bitchy about it, but she knows how to raise a kid, what to do. She’s not shouted or screamed, in fact, she’s just laughed. Which is annoying, but at least I don’t have any trouble. Jay’s going to be in trouble. I feel bad for him.’

  Ruby raised an eyebrow, ‘Do you really need him to do this?’

  Mollie sat up and stared at her, ‘What? I thought you were cool with Jay now?’

  Ruby’s smile was soft, and she sat up, ‘I am, but look at us, none of us had a dad. And we turned out fine. Well, you guys did, anyway. I’m still a mess.’

  ‘What are you saying?’

  ‘I’m saying, you could do this alone, if you needed to,’ Ruby shrugged.

  ‘But I don’t need to.’

  Mollie was frowning at her, pulling at her blonde curls.

  ‘I know, but... boys are... boys,’ Ruby shrugged, frowning at her nails, ‘God, hope you have a girl.’

  ‘What does that mean, boys are boys?’

  Ruby sighed, shook her head and smiled at her friend, ‘Molls, you’re a good person, and Jay’s a good person, but he’s your first proper boyfriend, right? You don’t really know how all this works. Boys... flake. They say what you want to hear, they may even mean it at the time, but they don’t know how to be selfless. Best intentions and stuff, but... do we know anyone who has a good dad? Or who is a good dad?’