by A. E. Murphy
Another tear falls from my eye, wetting a path behind it.
“I’ll stay out of your way I promise.”
Closing my eyes for a moment I listen to his ragged breathing whilst feeling his heartbeat under my hand. What options do I have? I don’t have any. It’s either: stay here and figure out a way to get money to move on with, or leave and struggle.
My confused thoughts and feelings don’t relent and the fog that is my mind only thickens with each passing second.
Guilt encompasses me in a relentless embrace as I realise I like having my hand there, I like being in Nathan’s company. I’m not sure if it’s because of some strange attachment issues now his brother’s gone but I feel it all the same. The broken look in his eyes seems to spark a whole new feeling, a feeling where I want to get to the depth of his break and put the pieces back together.
I’m going against Caleb’s wishes being here. I promised him I’d stay away from Nathan. I had no other choice but to come… or did I? Am I just making excuses so I can be close to the man that looks like my dead lover?
Nathan presses his lips to my forehead and takes a step back, “Get some rest, and think on it. If you still want to leave in the morning I’ll arrange accommodation for you.”
I nod. This is a good bargain to agree to. “Okay.”
“Gwen,” he says before leaving the room. I look up, his broken eyes tearing into my soul. “I am truly sorry.”
“I know.”
He dips his head and leaves the room, closing the door behind him.
What am I doing?
What am I doing here?
Chapter TWelve
I go to my next doctor’s appointment, Jeanine drops me off and waits for me to finish. I’m not diabetic, I’m perfectly healthy but my baby is going to be huge. This should cheer me up, the baby and everything is alright; it just doesn’t. My mind is still in a funk over yesterday’s events. I want to go to Mr and Mrs Weston and claw at their faces whilst hissing and spitting like a cat. I want to scream at them for being so cold and cruel.
There’s one thing I know for sure, when they realise this is Caleb’s baby they can kiss their rights as grandparents, goodbye.
Jeanine notices my silence and tries to get me talking but I can’t. I just don’t feel like it. She soon gives up but I know she doesn’t hold it against me.
Thoughts of Caleb are once again prominent in my mind. It’s hard to deal with. I miss him so much and he should’ve been there for the doctor’s appointment. He should have been there with me, holding my hand and getting excited.
Nothing about this excites me anymore.
I don’t understand any of this. I don’t understand their hate and anger for me. This isn’t something I’ve brought to Nathan’s attention before, it’s not something I’ve asked him but I can’t deny the temptation to. What have I done that’s made two clearly well raised people, hate me so damn bad?
Why would they cut Nathan off like they did Caleb? Is it truly because of what their mother said? Because Caleb spent his last moments with me?
How is that my fault? Neither of us knew he was going to die.
Maybe it’s the guilt they feel for shunning him and now that they’ve lost him they wish they could have that time back.
I don’t know.
None of this makes sense.
When I finally get back to Nathan’s I’m relieved to see he’s absent, much like he was this morning. I don’t know where he is and I don’t really care. He’s a grown man, he can do what he wants.
As I’m sat on the counter in the kitchen there’s a knock at the door. I don’t want to answer it but I do anyway and I’m shocked to see blondie standing there, shifting nervously on her feet.
“Hi,” I say as she realises I’m not Nathan and her shoulders sag. “I don’t know where he is.”
“Did he tell you to say that?” Her disbelief is warranted I guess.
I shake my head, “No, I haven’t seen him since yesterday.”
“Oh…” She twists her hands in front of her. “If you see him please tell him to call me.”
“Sure,” I go to close the door but she calls out once more.
“Is he… are you? I mean… is he seeing someone else?”
Is he? “Honestly, I have no idea. I promised him I wouldn’t invade his privacy so I haven’t. I didn’t even know about you until the other day when we first met.” I give her an apologetic smile and look her up and down. She looks cold. Where’s her car? “Where’s your car?”
“I walked.”
“From the village?” Is she crazy? That’s a seven mile walk. Not including our long driveway.
“Yeah,” she takes a step back. “Thanks… umm…”
“It’s Gwen.”
“Right, I’m Lorna. It was nice to meet you,” she nervously tucks her hair behind her ear and descends the two steps leading from the door. “Take care.”
I close the door, worried for the woman’s welfare but figuring she got herself here so she can get back. Her relationship with Nathan must be more serious than I thought. Oh well, it’s not my business. I just hope she doesn’t think I’m out to steal her man because I’m totally not. I don’t want a reputation as boyfriend stealer.
The village is small, word travels.
I pad into the room and fire up my laptop. There’s nothing much I can think of doing that I’d enjoy, so moments later I switch it off and blow out a breath of air. I hate how grey the skies are up here. I daren’t venture through the trees when the sky is so dark even though it’s two in the afternoon. I might get lost even if I do follow the markings I placed on trees.
My geography never was very good and I never could figure out how to work a compass. It points north, that’s great. But even if it points north I won’t know which direction will take me back to the village. Although I do have GPS on my phone, I’m lucky if I can get a signal long enough to receive a text message, let alone an internet connection.
I miss my friends. I miss being close to people I know.
Part of me even misses my mum, even if I do hate her guts right now.
Picking up my phone, I scroll through my contacts until I find Tommy’s number. It rings a few times before he answers which brings me joy I haven’t felt in a while. “Hey you,” he says softly. “It’s been a while.”
“Yeah,” I say and move into the kitchen. Reception is better in here. “I miss you.”
“Miss you too. Maybe I can come out and see you soon.”
“I’d love that,” seriously I would. “What have you been doing?”
“Not much,” he pauses for a moment. “I passed.”
“Oh my god.” Blink. “Oh my god! Tommy that’s brilliant. I’m so pleased for you.”
“Thanks Gwen, university isn’t the same without you though.”
My joy flickers to sorrow, “Yeah. I miss it.”
“You’ll go back one day. Until then keep making delicious food and send me pictures. When I come down I’m never leaving your place and you’re never leaving the kitchen. I want a feast fit for a king,” he demands playfully. “Sasha misses you.”
“I miss her too.”
“How are things with Nathan? I bet it’s weird isn’t it?”
You have no idea. “Just a tad. He mostly stays out of my way though. I don’t even know where he is today.”
“Are you getting on?”
Are we? “Yes. There have been a few disagreements,” understatement of the century. “But we’ve moved past them.”
“Why do I feel like you’re not telling me something?”
I have no idea. “I’m telling you everything.”
“Okay,” he doesn’t believe me. “I have to go. I’m meeting Zoe in twenty minutes. Keep in touch.” Zoe?
“You too.”
I hang up the phone and walk over to the fridge. I hope he can come down, if he does I’ll definitely make him a feast fit for a king.
My mind drifts to Nathan and al
though I’m still angry at him, I’m wondering if he’ll be back for dinner. I text him and ask him but after an hour, I still have no reply.
The fridge is bare and needs restocking urgently. There’s not much in the ways of good meal food but what is there is edible.
I’m desperate to do the shopping but Nathan still isn’t back and the sun has finally started to descend. Leaning back, I pick at my meal and casually rub my stomach. Today has been a better day, not a great one but with the anger I’ve felt it’s helped to keep my mind from things it seems to like clinging to. Aka Caleb and how much I ache for him.
I hate how much easier it’s becoming. It’s still hard, really fucking hard, but it’s not as hard.
The days don’t move as slowly and the pain in my chest isn’t constant. It only comes when I think of him or when I’m reminded of him. The pain is welcome. It reminds me that my life with him was real.
The door opens and shuts with a bang causing me to jump in my seat. Nathan strolls into the room, his tongue teasing his lower lip. “Get ready, I’m taking you out.”
“What?”
“You heard me. Get ready.”
“Where?” I ask, eyeing him as he grabs my jacket.
“There’s a… just get ready.”
“Fine,” I sigh and allow him to help me with my coat. In seconds we’re outside and I’m being lifted into his car. “Now I’m intrigued.”
He smiles slightly as he climbs into the driver’s seat, “You’ll enjoy it… I hope.”
“Blondie came to see you today,” I announce as the engine starts up.
“Who?”
“Lorna, your girlfriend.”
His smile vanishes, only to be replaced with a frown, “She’s not my girlfriend.”
“Does she know that?”
“Yes.”
“She walked all the way from the village.”
His frown deepens, “Where was her car?”
Shrug, “I asked her the same thing. She didn’t give me an explanation.” I eye him warily for a moment, “Girls only do something like that if they feel more for you than whatever it is you think she feels.”
“She’s just a… we just… she’s not my girlfriend.”
“If you say so.”
“I insist it,” he responds, his tone clipped. “Can we stop talking about her now? How was your day?”
“It was uneventful. We need to go shopping. There is zero food in.”
He sighs and glances at me, “Have you eaten?”
“Yes.”
He chews on his lip for a moment, his eyes nervous, “Does this mean you’re staying?”
Does it? “I… do you want me to?”
His head turns towards me, his eyes determined and set on mine, “Yes.”
“I can’t…” I look away an exhale a long breath. “I can’t keep dealing with your mood swings. Things are…”
“I know. I’ll… do my best to stop being the way I’m being. I’m just not used to this.” He gives me a sad smile before looking back to the road. “I’m glad you’re staying.”
Melting a little, I smile to myself. Fingers crossed things get better and stay that way. “Although I don’t know how much longer I’ll last without food.”
“Okay, I’ll do the shopping in the morning.”
Now’s my chance, “Can I come? I’d like to start cooking and baking again. If that’s okay?”
“Sure. But if I say no to something, don’t argue with me on it.”
“Whatever,” my mood just soared a little. “Thank you.”
“How’s the baby? I’m sorry I missed your appointment.”
“I’m not diabetic or anything. The baby is just big.”
“That’s good then,” he reaches over and places his hand on my bump, shocking the hell out of me. “Does it kick yet?”
“With any limb closest to my ribs,” I stare down at his hand, it feels weird. It’s not like Nathan to just casually touch me like he’s done it a million times. He pulls back, sensing my discomfort most likely.
“If he starts again tell me,” he clears his throat and rubs his hand on his thigh. “If that’s okay?”
“Sure.” It’s weird but I don’t have a problem with it. “Have your parents been in touch?”
“No and I don’t want you to worry about them. They’re my problem not yours,” he says this softly, regret evident in his features. “I’m sorry, for everything that happened yesterday. I should have protected you. They weren’t supposed to be back for another week.”
I blink in shock at his apology. He’s already apologized. Is that what this is about? “It’s okay, I get it. We all do shitty things when we’re mad.”
His body tenses, “I hate it when you swear.”
Oops. “Sorry,” I mumble and look out of the window. “I didn’t realise until I’d already said it.”
“Try to. It doesn’t suit you.”
Okay then. “Where have you been today? You didn’t respond to my text.”
“Out,” he says and that’s all he says. Why does he have to be so cryptic and closed off? It only makes me even more curious as to what he’s thinking and doing and everything else he could possibly hide in that closed off mind of his.
“Out?”
“As in not in the house.”
“As in the location known as…”
He chuckles, his eyes sparkle in the dark, “Out.”
“You’re so weird.”
His smile widens, “Yes. Probably.”
“Where are we going?”
“Out.”
“Grr,” I growl wanting to nipple twist him. “You’re so frustrating.”
“As are you.”
“I am not.”
He quirks a brow at me, his eyes still twinkling in a way they never have before, “Are too.”
“Are we seriously doing this?” I giggle, my body shaking with it. “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
“I’m not agreeing to anything until you agree that you’re frustrating.”
“Tell me where we’re going and I’ll agree.”
He throws his head back and laughs loudly, “That’s the same as agreeing.”
“See?” I prod him in the chest. “You’re frustrating.”
“I never denied it,” good point.
Still… “You’re really not going to tell me where we’re going?”
“No.”
“Not even a clue?” I stick out my lower lip and clasp my hands under my chin.
“Not the puppy dog eyes, anything but the puppy dog eyes,” He jokes, pretending to shield his face with his hand.
“Is it working?”
He instantly sobers, “No.”
“Damn.”
“Nice try.”
“I thought so.”
We’ve been driving now for the better part of an hour and I have no idea where we are. Too many trees guarding the roads. It’s when we reach a clearing that my heart starts beating with excitement.
“No way,” I grin and press my face against the glass. “A theme park?”
“It’s a night festival, only here for two weeks,” he says as I take in the lit up Ferris Wheel in the distance and a few other rides I can just barely make out. “I can’t go on any of the rides.”
“I know, but there’s more than just rides.”
“This is great,” seriously and utterly great. “I want candy floss.”
He opens his mouth and I know it’s to protest but he soon relaxes and instead he says, “You can have whatever you want.”
“Brilliant. You rock.”
It takes another ten minutes before we finally find the car park, which is mostly just a field with lots of cars. The place is packed and people are still arriving. At least I won’t have to queue for rides, definite bonus.
There’s a huge archway of flashing lights and balloons as we enter, I look up at it smiling, Nathan seems unimpressed but I don’t care. He leads me to the side and exchanges money for
tokens. I get to keep the tokens.
We soon realise that the tokens are for the rides and not the games. The games cost even more money.
Nathan doesn’t seem to mind though and lets me drag him to a game where you have to throw a ball in a bucket which rests on its side. It looks so easy. It’s not. I fail every time.
“Let me try,” Nathan laughs and hands the man behind the counter a note. He throws and fails the first time but the second time the ball stays put. On the final try the ball bounces off the ball already in the tub and onto the ground. “Huh.”
“Next time,” I shrug and pull him towards the candy floss stall. He doesn’t want to budge, instead he quietly hands me a note and waves me away. Laughing, I head over to get candy floss and donuts on my own. Nathan is clearly occupied. He won’t win, I’ll let him figure that out on his own.
As the donuts flip in the fryer something soft brushes my cheek. I turn and blink in shock at the brown teddy dressed as Superman. “You won.”
Nathan grins, clearly proud, “Of course I did.”
“Is that for me?” I go to take the bear but he tugs it back.
“No.”
My mouth drops open, “What happened to being a gentleman?” The sugared donuts are placed on the counter in a paper bag. I scoop them up and follow the man who won’t give me the bear that looks like Superman.
“I never claimed to be a gentleman,” he says haughtily.
“I want the bear.”
“You got candy floss.”
I pout like a petulant child, “It’s not the same.”
His smile comes back, it almost blinds me. “You can have the bear.” I reach for it but again he snatches it back. “When you’ve finished your food.”
“Want some?” I wave the floss near his face. He shudders and shakes his head. “More for me.” Then I hold the bag open that contains the donuts. “Donut?”
The look that flashes over his eyes shows me that he does want the donuts but I’m guessing they’re too messy for him to want to hold.
“Take this for a second.” I hold the candyfloss out to him. He holds the stick with the tips of his fingers, shuddering once more. My fingers grip the sugary snack and pull it from the bag. “Here.”
