by A. E. Murphy
“You’re touching it,” he says with a small shake of his head.
Sigh. “I haven’t touched that side,” I move it close to his face. “Come on. You know you want to.”
He leans forward and wraps his teeth and lips around one side, sighing slightly, “I forgot how good they were.”
“More?” I bite into the one he’s already broken into and groan in delight. “Best donuts ever.”
“More,” he says so I hold the same one up to his mouth. He bites the half of the broken ring that I haven’t bitten. “Definitely the best donuts ever.”
I cluck my tongue and shake my head, “Wait until you try mine.”
“You make donuts?”
“Sure, it’s actually really easy,” I say but my attention immediately becomes distracted. “Oooh, look!”
“It’s a ring toss.”
“I’m aware of what it is Sherlock. Come on.”
“I hate ring toss.”
“That’s because you suck at it.”
He pretends to be insulted, “I do not.” Determination comes across his features. “I guarantee I’ll beat you.”
“You couldn’t beat a rug.”
“Why would I want to?”
Good point. “Ring toss.”
“Dispose of the cloud of sugar,” he holds the pink candyfloss out to me. I take it, have another bite and throw the rest into a nearby rubbish bin. “Donut.”
“I’m not throwing away the donuts,” I gasp in feigned horror that he could even think about doing that. Donuts are the king food of carnivals. Well, it’s either donuts or hotdogs.
“No,” he taps his mouth.
“Oh,” I pick another from the bag and hold it to his mouth. He takes a bite, his eyes on mine.
“Thanks.”
“No problem.” I close the bag after giving him two more bites and popping the last piece into my mouth. He seems to shudder so I give him a pointed look. “What?”
“My mouth has touched that, yet you still eat it.”
I shrug and tuck the bag of donuts into my jacket pocket, “Do you have some kind of horrific virus I might contract?”
“No,” he pulls a face to show how genuinely disgusted he is at the thought.
“Then I’m sure I’ll survive. Now stop delaying the inevitable and watch me kick your arse at ring toss.”
He lets out a snort that makes me snort and to the ring toss we go.
******
“I had the disadvantage,” I grumble, glaring at the ground as I walk.
“Oh yeah? What’s that?” Nathan smiles looking far too proud of himself.
“The belly,” I pat my swollen stomach. “I can’t swing my hips during the toss like I used to.”
“Excuses.”
My mouth drops open, I refuse to take that, “It is a legitimate excuse.”
“In your world I believe it is,” he slides his hand down my arm, his hand stopping to circle my wrist. That’s weird. Not uncomfortable, but definitely weird. Is this his version of holding hands? Or is his arm aching from the ring toss, meaning he can’t be bothered to hold onto my bicep? “Ferris Wheel?”
“Will I be allowed?”
He shrugs, “Only one way to find out.”
We stand in the queue for fifteen minutes before we make it to the front. The guy looks at me, looks at my belly and opens the chain to let me through. Yay.
We sit in the not too sturdy looking metal seat and click the bar in place. I laugh when Nathan wipes at it with a napkin after squirting the metal with his hand sanitizer.
With us both in one car the fit is tight, or at least this is how I rationalise his arm around my shoulder. We start ascending slowly, the chill gets cooler the higher we get but I don’t mind. The arm around my shoulders is serving a purpose other than making me feel uncomfortable.
“I like the direction they’ve faced this. It’s beautiful, even in the dark,” I comment, looking out over the large fields that curve on the horizon. It’s not amazingly high, only sixty feet at best but it’s high enough for me to truly appreciate everything within viewing distance.
“I feel like a child up here,” he doesn’t say this with disdain, more like awe.
“Me too. Everything just vanished.”
“What vanished?” He turns to look at me as we finally reach the top.
I look into his beautiful light browns, for once not recognising them as Caleb’s but recognising them as Nathan’s, “Everything that we left down there.”
His eyes sparkle and his lips twitch, “You’re so strange.”
“Shut up,” The seat rocks slightly as I turn away from him and rest my head back against his shoulder. “Let’s just stay up here for an hour.”
“Too late, we’re descending,” he whispers and rests his chin on top of my head.
“Actually, that’s not such a bad thing. My bladder is chewing on itself.”
“Nice.”
“I thought so.”
He helps me off as soon as we reach the platform. By this point I’m bouncing continuously on the spot.
“I’ll just be over here,” Nathan says and points towards the main area. Whatever, too full in the bladder to care.
The ladies queuing push me to the front which is a relief, by the time I’d made it to the toilet I would have peed myself. Gross but true.
Now… where is he? Ah… what’s that he’s tucking into his jacket? Where’s my Superman bear?
“Where’s my bear?” I frown.
“Right, wait here,” he says and paces back to the Ferris wheel. I’m relieved to see him return with the bear, I don’t remember him leaving it there when we took our turn, but to be honest I was far too excited to pay attention. “Here,” he shoves the thing in my arms and grips my wrist again. “Let’s go.”
“But…”
“It’s late.”
“We’ve been here for an hour.”
He pinches the bridge of his nose and I know he’s had enough.
“Okay, let’s go.”
His soft eyes come to mine, “I’m sorry. I’m exhausted, I’ve been awake since midnight.”
“Why midnight?”
“I went out.”
Gasp, “That’s what time you left? Are you crazy?”
He gives me a look that instantly makes me shut my mouth. None of my business, I keep forgetting.
“Ready?” He diverts the subject which I’m grateful for and leads me away from the fun.
“Aww, photo booth, Caleb loved those. We went to a place called Pleasure Island once and went crazy in a photo booth. Ended up with more strips of photos than walls to cover.” I smile fondly at the memory.
“Do you want to?” He motions to the small booth with a wave of his hand.
Do I? “No, that’s okay.” It wouldn’t be right.
“Are you sure?”
“Yes.” I nod because I am definitely sure. “I’m actually kind of tired now that you mention it.”
My eyes close and stay closed before we even make it out of the car park.
******
It’s morning when I wake and the curtains have been pulled wide open. “It burns.”
“Come on, up,” Jeanine says and pulls the covers from my ‘could be’ naked body. My superman teddy almost falls from the bed, I snatch him back to my and rub my face in his silky fur.
“Why?”
“It’s eleven fifteen,” she says in a singsong voice. “And the skies are no longer grey. Can’t stay in bed when the sun is shining dear.”
“Okay,” I say around a yawn and sit up with my legs crossed, the bear nestling in the dip. “I can’t get changed with you here.”
“I’m leaving,” and leave she does.
As I decide on what to wear I can see all of my clothes have been neatly hung up again. I make a mental note to thank Jeanine later.
Wait…
I’m in my vest and knickers.
Gasp.
Nathan has seen me in my vest and
knickers. Nathan undressed me!
Be calm. It’s all good. He’s seen plenty of women naked before… I think.
Why am I obsessing over this?
I get dressed whilst pushing ridiculous thoughts from my mind and quickly brush my teeth after washing my face. Finally I feel refreshed and my eyes aren’t sticking together.
“Knock, knock,” Nathan says instead of actually knocking. Although the door is open so I can understand this logic. I think. “Any plans today?”
“I was going to call Paula.”
“Do you need the car?”
“Umm,” I shrug and start running the brush through my hair. “Can I?”
“Yes, I don’t need it.” His eyes look me up and down as I sit at the desk turned vanity table. His light brown eyes linger over certain spots but I pretend not to notice. I shouldn’t notice.
“Thank you,” I wind the bobble around my hair to hold it in place and stand to face him, trying not to meet his eyes due to the awkwardness of knowing he’s the second man to ever see me in anything less than jeans and a top. Not including the times I wear dresses. “How do I look?”
“Pregnant,” he teases. I waddle past him, punching his arm as I go. “Oh and one more thing…” He throws me his car keys, I catch them clumsily. “No food or drink in the car.”
“Okay,” I start towards the stairs.
“Another thing.” I look over my shoulder and see him strolling towards me, so I turn to face him. “Go grocery shopping, buy what you want… within reason. No peanuts, no liver, nothing that’s damaging.”
“Really?” I smile, oh my god I’m smiling. He notices too and his eyes go to my mouth, his face softens.
“Really,” he holds out his wallet.
“You want me to take your wallet?”
“It only has notes in it,” he responds with a shrug.
My smile gets wider, “I should say no but I’m too excited for cake.” This moment gets better when he smiles too. “Thank you Nathan. I thought you wanted to come?”
“And deny the house cook her chance to shine?” I like this Nathan, he’s all friendly and teasing. It suits him, oddly enough.
“Have fun, drive safe.”
“Promise,” I say and descend the stairs. “Do you want anything while I’m out?”
“No.” I start to move again. Then I halt because he calls my name.
“Yes?” I add extra emphasis on the S, my eyes narrowed suspiciously. He’s stalling… but why?
“You don’t just look pregnant,” He takes a step down, his eyes coming to mine.
“I don’t?”
“No,” he shakes his head, his breath leaving him, “You look beautiful.”
My breath leaves me too. I… it’s… they… but…
“See you soon,” I shout quickly as my hand closes around the handle and pulls it open and close the door behind me. What the fuck was that? Maybe I shouldn’t swear but that was cause for cursing.
You look beautiful.
You look beautiful.
You look beautiful.
Is this a plutonic compliment? Surely he wouldn’t… couldn’t even think about such a thing. I’ve only just lost Caleb. It’s only been a month since his funeral.
This is so messed up.
I’m reading into it. All I ever do is overanalyse things.
Nathan is aloof and mean. But he’s also not. In fact, I’m wondering now if the Nathan I knew is even the real Nathan at all. Which leads me to wonder why such a clearly sweet, kind, generous and handsome man would ever put on such a horrid mask.
His desperation to have me stay, clearly runs deeper into him than I realised. Or maybe it doesn’t. I don’t know him well enough to make that judgement. But I also saw a broken man in his eyes. Is that because he lost his brother or is that because of something deeper?
Why am I overanalysing everything again? Is my mind really that desperate to think of anything but Caleb and what I’ve lost?
Am I trying to find someone more broken than myself?
******
Even though I said she didn’t have to, Paula also escorts me around the supermarket after three hours of traipsing mindlessly through the village. It’s a few miles out of town but it’s big enough and has everything we need. I’m grateful that she pushes the trolley. My back is killing me.
“So what are your plans now that you’re here?” She asks as I throw a variety of sauces into the trolley. A home isn’t a home if you don’t have condiments.
“To have the baby, that’s all I’ve figured out so far,” I admit and wince when she smiles with pity.
“How long do you have left dear?”
“About eighteen weeks if the baby waits that long.”
I turn down the bakery aisle and instantly start grabbing things from the shelves. Paula continues light conversation, asking if I have everything I need, nursery wise.
I don’t have everything I need, I don’t even have bottles or nappies. Damn, I really need to get my head together. Will the baby be in my room or will they be in a nursery? Where’s he or she going to sleep?
I should ask Nathan but he’s already giving so much. I’ll just have to use what little money I have left to prepare, this is my baby and my responsibility. Part of me wants to get a job but I’m not stupid enough to try. Nobody is going to hire me in this condition and I’d be a fool to think otherwise.
My phone begins to ring, I check the screen before answering. His voice and angry tone are immediate. “Where are you?”
“Not even a hello?”
“Hello.” He barks. “Where are you?”
“I’m just getting groceries,” I explain, moving away from Paula so I can have some semblance of privacy. “Is everything okay?”
“It’s almost five.”
“And?” Because I’m confused as to why that’s an issue.
I hear him exhale out an exasperated breath. “And it’ll be dark soon. You’ve been gone for hours.”
“Okay, I’ll be there in about an hour.” I grab a couple of bags of flour and throw them in the trolley, coughing a little when a tiny poof of powder hits me in the face. Not enough to cover my skin but enough to make my lungs constrict for a moment.
“You’re getting sick, I’m coming to get you.”
“It was a bag of flour,” I groan, almost stomping my foot on the ground. “I’m going stir crazy at the house, I haven’t been food shopping in forever. Let me have this.”
He hangs up without responding. I get my arse in to gear, get the things I want and need, pay for them and say goodbye to Paula.
Nathan was right about it getting dark soon, I’m half way home and it’s pitch black. Fortunately I don’t mind driving in the dark so it’s not too difficult, I just hope he isn’t having some kind of mental breakdown.
He has no right to give me a curfew.
Or does he?
It is his house.
Damn this is so confusing and annoying and… gah. I’m going to go home, have a cake, a decaf cappuccino and curl up on my window seat with my headphones on.
When I park outside of the large house I smile, it looks like a postcard. Most of the lights are switched on inside making it glow in the midst of the trees.
My picture perfect image is ruined when the front door flies open and Nathan storms out. He starts shouting before he even makes it to the car, “You left at noon!” I climb out on a sigh.
“I’m fine Nathan.” Opening the boot I start grabbing bags. Nathan snatches them from my hands, “No lifting. I’m extremely disappointed in you Guinevere.”
“For lifting?”
He shoots me a look that makes me pinch my lips together in an effort to not give him the same look back. “For driving home in the dark. You don’t know these roads.”
“I’m a good driver.”
“What would Caleb say?” he hisses. A whimper escapes me. I don’t want to think about that, I don’t want to talk about that. “I’m not trying to make y
ou miserable…”
“I don’t want to talk about this anymore,” I say quietly, my tone warning.
I move towards the house, my heart thudding and my face burning as my anger cooks. Who does he think he is? I’m twenty one, not five.
Nathan follows me in, his hands full. “You’re acting like I’m the bad guy here.”
“Aren’t you?” I bite back and start putting away the shopping. “What the hell is wrong with you? You seem to want to control everything I do.”
He runs the tip of his tongue over his bottom lip, his annoyance barely concealed. “I’m just trying to help you Guinevere.”
“Help me?” I scoff and spin to face him. “Well thank you, Nathan for putting a roof over my head and buying me food but that doesn’t mean you get to control my actions or what I do. I’m an adult. You need to remember that.”
“And you need to control yourself and your own actions before you end up harming yourself or that baby!”
I gape at him. He did not just go there.
“You’re grieving, your thoughts aren’t your own. Especially if you think it’s acceptable for a pregnant woman, to be carrying heavy things and driving at night.”
I laugh once, “You’re kidding right? How many pregnant women in the world have done both of those things and have lived to tell the tale? You’re being dramatic and completely intolerable.”
“Where are you going?”
“To get away from you,” I make my way to the stairs.
“I’m not done talking to you.”
“I don’t get it,” I spin on this shout, my hands on my hips. “Honestly, I genuinely don’t get it. I thought after yesterday we were friends.”
He cringes, “What about yesterday?”
“The Ferris wheel, the donuts, everything.” I half shout, my anger bubbling to intolerable levels.
“Just because I decided to be kind doesn’t mean you can put yourself or that baby in unnecessary danger.”
