Broken (Broken #1)

by A. E. Murphy

  A strangled cry escapes me as I bring myself to the edge, my hand working quickly in my pants. I want to push my fingers inside but I can’t reach, my stomach won’t let me.

  “Oh god,” I breathe and continue my movements.

  My eyes seem to darken as the burning and tingling focuses on one place in my lower stomach. I gasp and rub harder, willing it to burst forth.

  It does and I almost fall to my knees but manage to free the hand teasing my breast and grip the desk with it. “Ah,” I cry out as my breath comes out in pants and the explosive climax tears through me, ripping my body to shreds before finally piecing it back together with the lingering pleasure that lasts a few seconds after.

  With one final shudder I collapse to the ground and cry. My body exhausted and sated but my true desire nowhere near fulfilled, nor will it ever be again.

  It’s been a while since I felt like screaming, the need to is almost unbearable.

  Instead I stagger into the bathroom, turn on the shower and step under the cool spray without removing my clothes first. I should never have done that, I’ve never needed to do that before. Caleb was always the one to turn me on and finish me off. Every single time.

  Not once during our entire relationship did I ever pleasure myself.

  Now I just feel guilty and dirty. Why did I do that? I shouldn’t even be feeling horny after everything that’s happened. I’m weak.

  Weak and stupid.

  I’m lonely.

  I’m lonely and tired, tired of being alone.

  Chapter Fourteen

  I remember when Sasha told me not to lose myself to a darkness I’ll never be able to climb out of. She was right, but she was also wrong. Caleb was my light. Sure there’s darkness that I can’t climb out of, but not because I lost myself, it’s because I lost him.

  The week drags on and nothing new or exciting happens, I continue cooking for an invisible man and cleaning with Jeanine. I search for photos, notes and other things that may prove to me that Caleb once existed and ran through this house.

  Unfortunately I find nothing yet and I’m beginning to wish I hadn’t started looking in the first place. The amount of disappointment I feel each time I don’t find anything just pushes me further into that darkness.

  On Tuesday I went into town and printed off a lot of pictures from my phone, wishing I’d done so sooner. This brings me a small amount of joy and an even bigger amount of frustration because I can’t bring myself to look at them. They still sit on my dresser in a closed envelope, gathering dust that doesn’t exist in this bleach scented house.

  Part of me was hoping we’d go baby shopping this past week. Nope. Either Nathan forgot or he’s changed his mind or maybe he’s been busy. I don’t know and I don’t want to ask.

  His moods are never certain and I can’t deal with pushing him over the edge right now.

  Why is he such a recluse? It can’t be healthy.

  It’s none of my business.

  Why do I pick at everything when Nathan pops into my head? I don’t do it over anybody else. What is it about him that makes me want to protect him and slap him all at the same time?

  He’s a riddle.

  I manage to roll out of bed just after nine and get ready by nine thirty. By ten I have breakfast made and served but I hold no hopes that I’ll be dining with anyone this morn. Jeanine doesn’t work Saturdays and Nathan has been a no show for the past week.

  The baby tumbles and twists in my stomach. It’s extremely uncomfortable.

  With a heavy sigh I sit back and pull up my shirt to reveal the stretched skin. It’s surface shiny and moving as hidden limbs press against it from underneath.

  That is really weird.

  I can see it.

  “CAL…” I start to shout and bite my tongue to stop myself. “NATHAN!” I shout instead. He doesn’t respond so I shout louder.

  “Yes?” He calls and I hear his footsteps along the first floor.

  I wait for him at the bottom of the stairs, “You have to see this. It’s like something out of Alien.”

  “What is?” He looks perplexed, not that I blame him.

  After walking into the room I sit on the couch and slowly lift my shirt once more.

  “What are you doing?” Nathan looks panicked.

  I smile and beckon him closer, “Look!” I prod my belly and watch as it jiggles and moves ever so slightly. “Isn’t that weird?”

  He kneels on one knee by my legs to get a closer look, his brow furrowed, “That’s definitely weird.”

  I snort and place my hand on the top of it, smiling as I feel the kicks as well as see them.

  “May I?” He asks, his brows still furrowed.

  I shrug, “Sure.”

  Teasing his lower lip with his tongue, he reaches forward and places one gloved hand on my stomach. The baby wiggles again and his hand moves back in a flash. He flexes his fingers and this time moves both hands to my stomach. “That’s amazing,” he says and strokes his glove clad hands all over my bump. His eyes sparkle as they meet mine. “Does it hurt?”

  “It’s a new feeling, so it is slightly uncomfortable,” I admit and watch as Nathan continues to feel the baby move. “Your hair needs cutting,” I say, reaching forward with my hand to tuck the longish dark locks behind his ear. It almost immediately pings back forward but it’s nearly at the length that Caleb used to have it. “You’ve been hiding in your room for too long.”

  His fingers slide up my sides. I inhale a sharp breath. What is he doing?

  They hook around the edge of my shirt and slowly slide it over my belly. His eyes come to mine and stare intensely. “Let’s go out.”

  “Where?”

  “To the city, we’ll stay the night.”

  “Okay,” I breathe, wanting to turn my eyes away but not having the willpower to do so. “Why?”

  “Baby equipment, you only have four months left.”

  “Four months and two weeks,” I correct him.

  He rolls his eyes, “Don’t split hairs.”

  “Ugh, my mum used to say that to me,” I mumble and let him pull me off the couch.

  “Stay here, I’ll gather our things.”

  “Our?”

  He gives me a quick nod before leaving the room. How does he know what things I need? I’m a little uncomfortable with him going through my underwear drawer.

  On that thought I dash up the stairs and into my bedroom where a bag is open on my bed and Nathan is walking back and forth, placing things in neatly. “This is weird.”

  “I told you to wait downstairs.”

  “I couldn’t resist watching you pack my bag. It’s a little odd.”

  He frowns at me, all the while folding a dress top, “Didn’t Caleb ever pack a bag for you?”

  “Yes but…”

  “Then why shouldn’t I?”

  Is he serious? “Are you serious?”

  “Yes.”

  “Because I was… you know… with Caleb.”

  His lips twitch, “You were what with Caleb?”

  I watch him place a top of mine into the bag, my cheeks heating. “I think that’s pretty obvious considering my predicament.”

  He lets out a light laugh, his almost chocolate eyes sparkling with humour, “If I didn’t know you were pregnant, I’d think you were a virgin.”

  Splutter, “I… This is not a normal conversation. Besides, we were all virgins once, it’s nothing to be ashamed of.”

  His hand stops on the zipper midway across the bag and a dark look comes over his features, “Yes. Once.”

  “Shall we go? Or would you like me to pack your bag for you?” I’m joking obviously, I don’t think he knows that though because his brow quirks. “I desire nothing more than to randomly start going through your underwear drawers.”

  “I was just trying to be nice, besides, I didn’t actually look. I only glanced,” he sighs and places my bag on his shoulder.

  “That’s what they all say.”

  �
��Who?” He doesn’t actually sound interested, more irritated and bored of my teasing.

  “Men who’re caught going through your underwear drawer,” I joke and elbow him in the arm.

  He sighs again and gives me a gentle nudge towards the stairs, “Quickly before I change my mind and give you a cardboard box and a single nappy to live on.”

  “Ouch,” I grin and make my way towards the stairs. “I’ll wait in the car.” He nods and throws me his keys, sighing – yet again – when I don’t catch them. They bounce down the stairs before sliding along the floor a few inches.

  “Bad throw,” I comment before he can tell me I’m a bad catcher.

  Which I am, but he doesn’t need to rub it in my face.

  He responds with a scoff of disbelief as I scoop them up from the ground and rush out of the house. The air is chilly today, a tell-tale sign that autumn will soon be upon us. I don’t mind autumn so much, it’s winter that I can’t stand. I’m more of a warm day on the beach kind of girl. Or I used to be at least. Not anymore. Not the thrill of all of that seems much more like nonsense now when I don’t have my favourite person in the world to spend it with.

  Soon I’ll have another person, I climb into the car stroking my belly. I wonder if giving birth to the baby will take away the pain. Maybe it will fill that gaping hole in my heart.

  Nathan climbs into the car ten minutes later and we set off for the city. This time it only takes us an hour and a half, the traffic wasn’t too bad on the way.

  I’m so excited by the time we get there, that I barely let him stop the car before I’m out and around to his side. This will be a great thing to focus on. Plus, what woman doesn’t want to decorate a nursery?

  “Which room will be the nursery? We haven’t discussed it,” I ask as I place my hand on his arm and allow him to guide me along the busy street.

  “There are two more rooms on your floor. Take your pick.”

  “Which room was Caleb’s?”

  He looks down at me, his face a blank mask, “He didn’t have a room.”

  “He didn’t?” That seems a bit odd. “What about you?”

  “Me neither, I’m staying in my grandfather’s room. Although I had it remodelled when I first moved in.”

  I chew on the inside of my cheek for a moment, wondering whether or not I should push further. Of course I should. It’s in my nature to push. “You two must have been close?”

  “That’s one way to put it,” he mutters conspiratorially. “Here.”

  “This is a brand store,” I gawp at ‘Baby Dreams’, a pregnant woman’s dream and the expectant father’s nightmare. “This is too much.”

  “I can afford it,” he states and pulls me through the automatic doors.

  I’m immediately assaulted by a welcome blast of cool air from the fans in the ceiling. But it’s not this that makes me shiver, it’s the store itself. I’m in baby heaven.

  “I should have written a list,” I mumble as I take a few cautious steps forward.

  “We’ll start with the big things and work our way down.” Releasing his arm I head into the section where nurseries have been set up with a single wall behind each.

  They’re all so cute and homely. I can’t wait to start papering and painting the walls.

  “I love this,” I say as my eyes immediately zoom in on a strange green colour wall with white tree patters reaching to the top. The furniture is dark brown and glossy and I’m in love. “I really love this. It’s neutral and it’s… holy… mother of…” I start to choke when I see the price tag. It’s not extremely expensive but it’s a lot more money than I considered spending on just the heavy furniture.

  “You’re sure?” He smiles at my look of shock. “You’re sure.”

  Three hours later my ankles have swollen so we make our way to a nearby restaurant to stop for lunch. Nathan hasn’t said much although he insisted on glass bottles for the baby and everything that isn’t made of harmful plastic. I’m not even allowed disposable nappies but I don’t mind the washable ones, they’re pretty easy and last years. They have little poppers instead of Velcro and can be adjusted as the baby sizes up.

  He even made me order the wool and water wet wipes, completely toxin and fragrance free.

  After a while I let him take over, I wasn’t in any position to argue seeing as he’d done research and I clearly hadn’t, I was happy that at least one of us knew what we were talking about. He won’t even consider me using powdered milk and insists breast is best, which is right but also annoying. I was going to breast feed anyway but I don’t like being told I have to.

  I’m happy with the amount we got, I can’t think of anything else we need right now. Secondly I can’t wait until it’s all delivered and I get to see it set up.

  Something else to look forward to.

  We’re seated at a table right at the back of the restaurant, out of the view of others. It’s a booth so I have to push the table out to fit inside which is annoying but I soon cheer up when I see the menu. It’s very diverse and I am starving.

  “Ordered enough food?” He jokes, sliding closer to me.

  I shake my head, “I want desert too.”

  “Have whatever you want,” he smiles and glances at my stomach. “It’s the only time of your life you have an excuse to eat like a very large man.”

  I laugh at this and rest my temple on his shoulder, “You know? I can’t even remember why I was mad at you before.”

  His cheek rubs against my hair and I’m instantly reminded of our time on the Ferris wheel. “Good, I don’t like it when you’re mad.”

  “Then stop peeing me off,” I tilt my head back and look at him through my lashes. “Reckon you can handle that for more than a few hours?”

  “I’ll try,” he responds quietly and presses his lips to my forehead. “You always smell like vanilla.”

  Umm… “That’ll be the shampoo I use, and the body lotion.”

  “It’s good,” he murmurs. I feel his hand slide onto the cushioned bench between us, his gloved pinkie finger is so close to mine I can feel the leather tickling the tiny hairs. My hand moves closer, only slightly,

  The waitress comes and for some reason I move away after feeling a pang of guilt for being so close to another man. What is wrong with me?

  We fall silent after ordering, Nathan taps away at his phone as I twiddle my thumbs and wait for the food to arrive.

  “Oh my god, Nathan?” A high pitched squeal comes from an unknown female with dark wavy hair and a smile wider than the world itself. “When Tracey called…”

  Nathan stares at the female for a moment, “Diane?”

  “Umm… yes,” she puts her hands on her hips and pouts like an infant. “You do remember me don’t you?”

  “Do you?” I tease him which earns me a glare.

  Her eyes immediately come to me and her smile drops. I’m hardly invisible. “Who’s your friend?”

  “None of your concern,” he bites out and leans forward. “Can I help you with anything, Diane?”

  I shrink in my seat, this is awkward.

  She hesitates for a moment, “No, I just wanted to say hi.”

  “And who was it that told you I was here?” He’s definitely irritated.

  The waitress chooses this moment to bring out our food, I sit up and thank her on a whisper. She senses the tense atmosphere and quietly slinks away, I don’t blame her. I feel like hiding under the table right now.

  “Tracey called, she saw you come in. Though she didn’t mention her,” She nods to me and frowns. I give her a little finger wag and stare at my food. Should I start eating without him? Yes I should.

  “Okay, well hello Diane,” He gives her a pointed look. She just doesn’t get it. “Goodbye, Diane.”

  Finally she blinks herself out of her stupor, “Call me.”

  “Honestly?” I can feel his anger. Ooh, she brought me sauces. “I could be sat here with my wife.”

  She looks at me, “You his wife?”
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  I open my mouth to respond but think better of it and continue testing the dips with spiced potato wedges.

  “You need to leave,” Nathan warns, his eyes narrowed. “And next time you see me, don’t acknowledge me.” Ouch, that one has to hurt.

  Her mouth falls open and pain flashes across her eyes, “Wow. What an arsehole. I was just saying hello.”

  “And then you told me to call you in front of my pregnant wife.” Wait… what?

  She looks at me, her brows raised, “You his pregnant wife?”

  I open my mouth to respond but Nathan cuts me off, “Stop talking to her.”

  “I’ll talk to whoever I choose, just because we fucked doesn’t mean you hold any kind of authority over me.”

  Nathan closes his eyes briefly and lets out a breath.

  I hold up a chicken wing in front of Nathan, “Want some?”

  “In a second,” his hand goes to my wrist and slowly lowers it back to the table. “Are you finished?”

  “Definitely,” Diane spits and turns on her heel. “You weren’t that good anyway.” Then she looks at me. “Good luck having a life without oral.”

  Then she leaves and I can’t hold it back. I laugh and laugh and laugh. I laugh harder than I have in ages and for once, I don’t feel guilty about it. “A life without oral huh?”

  “Shut up,” he bites out.

  “I’m going to have to divorce you for that reason alone,” I choke through my laughter and slide down my seat a little.

  He shakes his head but I see his lips stretch into a smile. “It isn’t amusing in the slightest.”

  “Oh, it totally is,” I gasp and continue laughing. “Best lunch date ever.”

  “I’m almost certain I don’t like you anymore,” he adds but his body starts to shake beside mine. “Stop laughing, it’s contagious.”

  I finally calm, a smile still on my face. “You’re adorable, Nathan.”

  He rolls his eyes, “Just what every man wants to hear. Eat your wings.”

  “Want one?”

  “No thank you,” he says after a moment’s deliberation. We eat silently, I occasionally tempt him with the wings that I’ve been craving lately as I eat my own food. So I’m shocked when he suddenly blurts, “Besides, if she hated it that much why would she tell me to call her?”