by A. E. Murphy
“Here,” Nathan announces his presence from the doorway and both Sasha and Tommy turn statue as their eyes scan him. I’m guessing they’re shocked to see how much he looks like Caleb. They’ll get used to it.
“It’s great to meet you,” Sasha breaks the silence and gives him a little wave. I warned them about his condition before they came so they know not to touch his hands. I’m grateful that they’ve remembered and haven’t taken offence by it like some people do. “Thanks for having us.”
“Yeah,” Tommy dips his head. “Nice place.”
“Thank you,” Nathan says and leads us into the dining room.
Sasha lets out a long groan and grips my arm, her eyes round and dramatic. “I’ve missed your food. Consider me your new lodger.”
“Fit for a king, just the way I like it,” Tommy jokes and pulls out a chair for Sasha.
Nathan does the same for me, standing behind me he pulls out my chair and pushes me in much like Tommy just did with Sasha. I give him a questioning look but his eyes are on my friends. More specifically on Tommy.
Everybody helps themselves from the plates in the centre, moaning and groaning with every bite. This makes me happy.
Really happy.
“So, how is University?” I ask them both. They both begin talking over each other, blaming each other for things I wish I’d seen. I love listening to them talk, telling me stories that once upon a time, I would have been a part of.
After dinner we move into the living room and sit on the comfortable couches, music playing softly in the background.
“Tommy broke up with his newest girlfriend because of me,” Sasha seems to think this is hilarious.
Tommy shrugs, “Tanya was jealous. She kept giving me ultimatums. It wasn’t because of Sasha, it’s because of her own insecurities.” Tanya? What happened to Zoe?
“Bros before hoes,” Sasha giggles and gives me a nudge with her elbow.
“Too right,” I jest and rub my stomach, a habit whenever the baby starts to move. Nathan sometimes joins in as well, I’ve kind of gotten over the weirdness of it now.
Nathan, knowing without me asking, throws me a pack of Gaviscon tablets. I chew two and wait for them to kick in.
“Heartburn?” Tommy asks as Sasha places both of her hands on my moving belly.
I nod, “Apparently it means the baby is going to have a lot of hair. I hope his hair is worth it.”
“You’re having a boy?” Sasha squeals and lifts up my top without permission so she can see the baby move through my skin. My friend is weird.
“I don’t know, I think so,” I glance at Nathan. “I kind of hope so.”
“We should put bets on it,” Tommy suggests, I scowl good naturedly at him. “Unless you’re afraid to lose.”
“Stop it,” Sasha slaps his arm and snuggles into my side, her eyes on my rolling bump. After a few more moments she groans and pats her flat stomach, I’m so jealous of her figure right now. “I’m bloated.”
“I got bloated seven months ago and it’s only gotten worse since,” I say, making the others laugh. Even Nathan smiles a little. “Why don’t we go for a walk?”
“Sounds good,” Tommy smiles as Sasha groans, “Seriously?”
“Come on Sash, you should see the outdoors before it gets too dark,” I push but it doesn’t work.
She shrugs, “You two go; I’m going to clean the dishes.”
“Leave them,” I glance at Nathan whose eyes are on me. “Come on.”
“No, I’ll make you milk and honey too, it’s Friday.” She gives me a wink and sashays into the kitchen the only way Sasha can.
I smirk and look to Tommy for help, he stands and holds out his hand. Taking it, I let him pull me off the couch gently.
“Don’t go too far, it’s dark,” Nathan tells me as he stands.
I give him a small frown, “You’re not coming with?”
“I’ll help your friend in the kitchen,” he exits through the archway without saying anything else.
“I guess it’s just me and you pregger-belly,” Tommy grins and throws his arm around my shoulder.
My frown turns into a scowl. “I’m not that fat.”
“Sure you’re not.”
I elbow him in the side, making him stagger in jest. “I’m kidding, you’re glowing actually.”
“Yay.”
“You still say that?” He chuckles, coming back to my side.
I blow out a breath, “Not much.”
“So, spill all.” Ah great, the serious tone.
“All of what?”
“Everything, don’t hold back, I can take it.”
But can I? “I’m doing better.”
“No you’re not,” the look he gives me is one I’ve seen on Tommy before. It shows disbelief, sorrow and pity. I hate pity but I don’t hate him, I never could, so I let it slide. “I mean, you are, but I can see that you still struggle.”
“It’s been a four months,” I respond quietly, my hand tucks my hair behind my ear. “It hurts, every day.”
“And Nathan?”
“Seeing him at first made it hurt more, but now, it’s gradually becoming a comfort. He’s nothing like Caleb,” I smile softly at how close we’ve become over the past month. “He doesn’t have Caleb’s easy smile, or constant hyper activeness and excitement for life. He’s secluded, withdrawn but when he smiles, it makes all the bad stuff disappear for a while.”
“What?” Tommy seems startled by my words.
I rush to defend myself, “I mean, at first I thought he hated me, I hated him a little bit but now I’m happy to say we’re friends. He’s grumpy, completely intolerable but one of the nicest people I know.”
“Huh,” he looks up at the sky. “It’s getting dark, we should head back.”
“We’ve only been walking for five minutes,” I laugh and tilt my head towards the greying sky.
“Yeah, well, Sasha’s on her own,” he lies because obviously she’s not.
“Whatever,” he’s probably tired and doesn’t want to admit it. “Thanks for coming, Tommy.”
He smiles down at me, his arm still around my shoulder, “I’ve missed you.” A shadow flits across his eyes. “I miss how things used to be.”
That hits me hard, too hard. It’s remarkable how things can change in just a few short months. “Me too.”
The house comes back into view, I look up at its glowing windows and think about my future. A few months ago my future was with Caleb, in our little house, finishing school, getting a job and a decent placement.
Now my future is here.
As bright as that may seem, which it should be because I’ve been a lot more fortunate than most, it still fills me with a dread I can’t explain. Like an impending darkness is closing in on me. This isn’t the life that I want, but it’s the life that I have. I have other options but none of them seem better than the option I’ve taken.
Am I being selfish?
After all of this time am I now just realising that I’m using Nathan?
Am I using Nathan?
I don’t think I am, I genuinely like him and I’m certain he likes me. It’s all so weird. After seeing my friends in this atmosphere with Nathan instead of Caleb, none of it is clicking right and I feel like I need to explain the situation to them. I feel like I should defend myself and my choices, even though I know they’re not judging me.
I feel guilt.
Well-deserved guilt that I should feel each and every day for still breathing when he’s not.
Now that I can see my friends in front of me, I see my old life. I see my old life clashing with my new one. I’m assuming this is the reason I’m feeling so off about everything. Maybe it’ll pass.
Hopefully it’ll pass.
“Where’s Nathan’s car gone?” I ask aloud as we walk past his empty parking space.
“How should I know? Maybe he went to get milk or something.” Tommy suggests and I snort. Like Nathan would go out at night to get milk. Not
unless I asked. Plus we have milk, we have plenty.
I open the door and step inside before Tommy, Sasha peeks around the kitchen door, “Hey, the drinks are ready.”
“Where’s Nathan?” I ask, glancing around to confirm what I already know; he’s not here.
“He left a minute or so after you guys, said to tell you he had some things to take care of.”
“Did he mention what things?” I ask, knowing full well he wouldn’t have said anything to Sasha.
She gives a shrug, “I don’t know, he had a large brown envelope in his hands though.”
A large envelope? “Probably something for work.”
“Yeah.”
How did I not hear his car? Or see it? We weren’t that far from the house.
He’s like a ninja, even in a car.
“Okay,” I say with a smile but inside I’m nervous. Nathan usually only leaves unexpectedly when he’s pissed off about something. Also, he always tells me that he’s leaving. “Where’s my milk?”
“Do you still do that?” Sasha asks, handing me the warm cup of golden tinted milk.
What?
She notices my look of confusion and continues, “The milk and honey on a Friday.”
“Oh,” that. “Not often. Nathan did it with me once, not long after I came here. It’s a family tradition apparently, one he doesn’t stick to.” I look at my friends and force a smile, “Come on, I want to know about you guys. Tell me what I’ve missed.”
Sasha brightens a little, Tommy places his chin on his hands, his elbows resting on the table. “I’m dating someone,” Sasha begins, her face animated with joy. “He’s so sweet.”
Tommy rolls his eyes when she’s not looking, making me thin my lips in an attempt to stifle the giggle that’s rising up my throat.
“He bought me flowers on the first date,” she swoons. “And he opened the car door for me. It was so…”
“Sweet?” Tommy interjects and her face brightens further, “Exactly!”
“That’s great,” I smile at my friend. “It’s about time you met somebody decent.”
Tommy snorts and lowers his head, Sasha’s smile soon turns into a frown. “What is your problem?”
“Nothing,” he waves her off and looks at me. “If I have to hear one more freaking time about how freaking sweet this guy is, I’m going to gradually turn into sugar.”
I snigger, Sasha shoots her frown my way. My hands go up in surrender but my smile is still there. “I think it’s sweet. Tell me more.”
“His dad is the manager of a restaurant in town, he wants to take it to new heights. He started late but his skills are impressive, he cooked for me and oh man, it was like an orgasm in my mouth.” She groans with delight at the memory. It’s almost disturbing to see. And this is just over his food, I can only imagine what she’ll be like when they do the deed.
Wait. “Have you done the deed?” My presumptuous tone makes her cheeks turn pink, just around her nose. “Oh my god, you have.”
“No!” She practically squawks. It’s that ‘bird like’ of a noise, I almost see feathers burst from her arms.
Tommy rubs his ears as his face scrunches in pain. “Ouch.”
“Okay, so if you haven’t done it, then what have you done?”
“I am totally going to bed right now,” Tommy says and stands.
Sasha laughs with me as we order him to sit down with promises that the conversation will change.
It’s just turned eleven and my mood has soared. The conversation has flowed so easily between the three of us and I’ve found myself willing to talk about Caleb and his goofy ways. Found myself smiling over it too. Almost been in tears because of it and so has Sasha. Tommy is better at handling his grief but I see it in his eyes. They were good friends, despite their rocky start because Caleb was jealous of our relationship.
Well, not jealous. More like he felt threatened. I loved it though, the sex was amazing when he was riled up. Telling me I belonged to him, promising me he’d screw every other guy right out of my head. Not that I had any other guy in my head, still, I appreciated the effort he put into it.
“What’s going on with Nathan?” Sasha asks making me choke on the water I’m sipping. Her eyes widen. “Babe…”
I shake my head, that guilt from earlier back. My heart hammers with it, every thump seems to ricochet through my chest with a burning ache that lasts until the next thump only to start up again even stronger.
“No, don’t even go there. We’re friends.”
She lowers her voice, it’s barely a whisper, “He looks just like Caleb, I’d understand…”
“Sasha,” Tommy warns but I cut him off.
“No he doesn’t,” I blurt, my words rushed. “At first, yeah he did, but not now. I’ve seen him too much. I barely recognize the similarities.” She opens her mouth to say something else, I’m shocked when Tommy’s clipped tone interrupts, “Leave it, Sasha. You’re pushing where you shouldn’t.”
Sasha’s mouth hangs open, “I was just going to say that nobody…”
“How do you think you’re making her feel, huh? Honestly? There’s nothing going on between her and Nathan yet you’re spreading shit that’s going to stick in her mind. That’s Caleb’s brother. She already feels fucked up enough about staying here with him, you putting extra on that isn’t going to help her.” He doesn’t sound angry but he does sound something close to it. I’m grateful for him having my back but I wish he hadn’t said anything. It’s made this a little bit awkward.
“Christ,” Sasha squeaks, her hand going to her mouth. “You’re right, I’m so sorry Gwenny.” Gwenny… ouch.
She hugs me, I hug her back as best I can. “It’s okay. Forget it.”
“So, where’s my room? I haven’t seen it yet.”
I gasp and my smile returns, my thoughts now distracted. “I haven’t shown you the nursery yet.”
We manage to finally get to bed after midnight, I send Nathan a text, asking him if he got to wherever he was going safe and sound. I don’t expect him to reply, he usually doesn’t and this time is no exception. I bury my head in the pillow and sigh before shutting my eyes and letting sleep claim me.
I awake with the sun streaming through the windows, gah, who opened them. “Morning!” Of course, Sasha.
“Sleeping,” I grumble and bury my face under the covers. My morning ritual.
“Up. I want to explore.”
“Fine,” I relent and slide out of bed. “Get me ready, I’ll just sleep while I sit.” My eyes won’t open, they refuse to.
“Your phone went off about twenty minutes ago, one missed call and a text message from Nathan.”
To read them would be to move. To move would be to wake up. To wake up would be to... ugh.
“Kay,” I yawn and reach at the table blindly. My phone falls to the floor. Darn. “I’ll get it.”
Sasha giggles and places it in my hand, “Maybe you should go and wash your face first. It might stop your eyes from sticking together.”
“Good point,” I say around a yawn and waddle into the bathroom. After splashing water on my face I pull my hair up into a loose bun and apply a little mascara. Sasha watches me like a hawk, already dressed and ready for the day in dark blue skinny jeans and a thick, silver to the thigh jumper. “Where’s Tommy?”
Sasha nods towards the hall, “Getting ready.” Which translates to, ‘getting five minutes more sleep before throwing on whatever he can in two seconds and making it look like he’s been getting ready.’
“I’ll start on breakfast,” I stretch, laughing when the bottom of my belly peeks out from below my top. “I think I need bigger clothes again.”
“That’s what we’ll do this morning!” Sasha bounces on the spot, looking far too giddy, far too early.
“I don’t think Tommy will appreciate that,” I murmur and slide my thumb over my phone.
Nathan: I apologize for leaving so suddenly. Have fun with your friends. There’s some money in the t
op drawer of your dresser. I placed it there before leaving. Spend it as you wish. Not including the obvious things I have a clear distaste for.
Me: Thank you, that’s very kind. Is everything okay? I was worried.
Nathan: Everything is fine, Gwen. I’ll bring you back something nice.
Me: Just bring yourself back, unless you come back with chocolate too, I won’t complain. When can I expect you home?
Nathan: Tonight, at about six. I wouldn’t say no to those pasta parcels you make.
Me: Duly noted.
After tucking my phone into my pocket I head down the stairs, Sasha goes to get Tommy up.
I make a quick and easy breakfast, omelettes with mushrooms and cheese. I have to keep my stash of eggs hidden. Nathan has a really weird thing about eggs. If he can’t see them, like in cake or pastry, then he’s fine. But any form of eggs: scrambled, fried, poached, etc. He freaks out and puts them in the bin immediately. I’m going to use his absence to enjoy a well-deserved omelette with my friends.
“I’m so glad you guys are here, I just wish you could stay longer,” I pout slightly and place their plates in front of them.
Tommy wags his eyebrows, “And have me miss, Halloween, the one night of the year where women dress like…”
“Sexy creatures of the night,” Sasha finishes his sentence.
I look down at my belly, “I should just paint a bull’s eye or something on my belly.”
“Or paint it so it looks like the skin’s torn and make tentacles look like they’re coming out of it,” Tommy seems way too excited by this idea. “You know? Like off Alien vs Predator?”
We both look at him incredulously. Sasha speaks first, “You are not only weird, but you’re also disgusting.”
“I second that vote,” I raise my hand, wincing when Tommy slaps it down and throws a piece of cucumber at Sasha. “Violence solves nothing.”
He shrugs, “I thought it felt pretty good.”
