by A. E. Murphy
He seems to relent but doesn’t look happy about it. “Fine. Jeanine can you see them out?” I’m carefully lifted so I wrap my arms around Nathan’s neck and hold on tight as he carries me up the stairs. “You feel so light now.”
I smile and rest my head against his neck. “Sorry about the mess.”
“Don’t, it’s not your fault.”
A yawn tears its way up my throat. Nathan places me on the closed toilet, in the bathroom that I use, and crouches down beside the bath. The room fills with steam as the tap pours hot water into the large tub.
“Are you okay?” Nathan asks me for the twentieth time since I gave birth. “That looked like it hurt.”
I give him a look, my eyes heavy with exhaustion. “It did.”
“We’ll be quick, I fear Jeanine may kidnap our son.” He laughs.
Our? “Our?”
“What?” He looks at me over his shoulder, his eyes tired and full of emotion.
I blink and ask warily, “You said our.”
“What are you talking about?” He looks completely oblivious. Maybe he didn’t mean to say it.
“You said, our son.”
“No I didn’t,” he frowns and shakes his head. “I said your son.”
“I heard you…”
“You’re tired,” he points out. “Don’t put words in my mouth. I know he’s not mine and now isn’t the time to argue about this.”
Maybe he’s right. I probably misheard him. Sigh. “Sorry.”
“That’s okay,” he stands before me and slowly begins to slide the gown off my shoulders. “It’s warm enough now.”
I give him a pointed look and with my hand, I point to the door.
“I’m not leaving you right now, I’ve just seen you naked.”
Scowl. “This is different.”
“No it isn’t, I’m not leaving this room. I refuse.”
“Please?” The pleading in my tone causes him to relent.
He sighs, nods and takes a step back, “Fine, but I’ll be sat out here. Okay?”
I thank him and carefully step into the bath once he’s gone. The water stings my core but it also feels amazing.
I’ve just had a baby.
I’ve just had Caleb’s baby.
Emotions overwhelm me, emotions I should have felt the moment my child was placed in my arms. Sorrow, loss, pain, frustration, anger. So many emotions. Too tired to sift through them properly.
I bring my knees to my chest, happy that I can finally do this for the first time in months and cry into the top of them. Tears spill and mix with the dampness on my cheeks, sobs tear through me, quiet ones. I want to scream, I want to shout but I don’t.
My body feels empty and I don’t just mean the sudden lack of baby. I mean all over. There’s love there, an instant bond I formed with my son on first glimpse, but that hole that Caleb left behind only seems to have stretched further.
There’s a light tapping on the door, “Are you okay in there?”
“Yes,” I lie, I’m not okay. I’ll never be okay again.
Quickly and thoroughly I scrub myself down, hating the way the water turns pink. I climb out and dry my body carefully. I then wrap a towel around myself after placing a pad in a pair of my lady boxers and tugging them on.
Nathan, hearing me move around, opens the door and steps inside, “All set?”
I nod and stretch my body, “I feel so much lighter.”
“He’s a big baby, I’m not surprised,” Nathan stares at me with a fondness in his eyes that I’ve never seen coming from him. “I know women give birth to babies every day, but I want you to know that right now, I’m in complete awe of you.”
“I’m in complete awe of myself,” I choke and rub a hand across my aching breasts. Ouch.
“Here,” Nathan hands me a nursing bra with nipple pads already attached. I notice he hasn’t got his gloves on. How odd. I don’t bring attention to this fact though as I don’t want to make him aware of it, just in case he’s not already.
“I’m disturbed by how comfortable you feel handling my underwear,” I take it from him and motion for him to turn around.
After a few moments I hear the sound of my son squawking, my boobs tingle. “Well that’s new.”
“What is?”
I shake my head, my cheeks flushing with colour, “Nothing.” Just the fact my breasts seem to know that my child is hungry.
Jeanine is sat in the armchair by the window, my son in her arms clothed in a lemon coloured all in one and a little yellow hat with matching mittens. I pad over to the couch and curl my legs to the side.
Shock overcomes me for a moment when Nathan, with a bright smile on his face, takes the whittling baby from Jeanine with his bare hands and holds him up before him. One hand behind his head and shoulders and the other under his round bottom.
I take a sneaky picture on my phone, I can’t resist.
He brings him over to me and places him on my chest.
“I’ll put the kettle on, I hope you don’t mind if I stay the night, I doubt I’ll be able to get back on my old legs,” Jeanine says and smoothes down her trousers.
“Not at all,” Nathan doesn’t take his eyes from us. “Thank you Jeanine. I don’t think I could have handled it without your help.”
“Sweet boy,” she chuckles and gives me a wink as she passes. “I think he’s hungry again.” She means the baby.
She’d be right. I look down at my son and smile at his attempt to find milk in my collarbone. “He’s going to give me a love bite if he doesn’t stop.”
Nathan sits beside us, his arm rests along the back of the couch and his fingers tease my hair. Tilting my head back slightly I relish the feel of Nathan’s gentle fingers soothing me as my son sucks the life out of my breast.
“He needs a name,” I scrunch up my face as I think. “I’m drawing a blank.”
“As long as it’s not something hideous.” He leans his head back and closes his eyes for a minute or so. “George?”
“No.”
“Travis?”
“No.”
“Dillan,” he gives a small shrug when he sees my look of disbelief. “I like Dillan.”
“Dillan,” I test the name out a few times. “I like it.” Yes. Dillan. I love it. “Dillan is great.”
Nathan’s smile blinds me, if I weren’t so tired I’d smile back. “Really?”
“Yeah, Dillan is perfect.” I yawn, it’s loud and unattractive. “Thank you. For keeping cool today and for being my rock.”
He doesn’t say anything but we share a look of mutual respect.
After burping my son I pass him back to Nathan who seems eager to take him. As much as I want to hold my child, I daren’t do it for a second longer as my eyes won’t remain open.
Chapter Twenty One
This whole parenting thing is hard. I don’t remember much after falling asleep on the couch, all I know is I’m now in bed and this is the third time I’ve gotten up to tend to Dillan.
Dillan. The name suits him so well.
I look over at his Moses basket that rests on a stand about two feet from the bed. Nathan must have brought it in here, obviously not feeling comfortable being so far from his nephew.
Standing slowly, I bend over the basket and collect my son with both hands. He stretches in that cute way that only babies can stretch and lets out a little yelp. Not happy being moved. Grumpy boy.
Carefully I climb back into bed and prop the pillows up behind me, Nathan who is asleep to my right, instantly rolls back into me and wraps his arm around my middle.
His bare hand grabs at my flesh as if scared I’ll move again.
As much as I want to be angry at his assumption that I want to share a bed with him, I can’t because his assumption is true. I don’t want to be alone right now.
Actually… he probably doesn’t care if I want him here or not. This is him telling me he wants in my bed so he’ll get in my bed.
Still, I can’t force myself
to be angry.
When Dillan has finished his feed I lay him on the bed between myself and Nathan and roll onto my side. My face is level with Nathan’s, he looks so peaceful whilst sleeping. He really has been my rock.
I’ll never be able to repay him for all he’s done for me.
Leaning forward slightly, I press my lips to the corner of his mouth. His eyes open immediately and his lips part. He looks at me curiously for a moment, as if trying to work out my intentions.
Then his hand comes up and rests on my cheek, I hear him inhale a shuddering breath as his thumb swipes over my lower lip. Something between us connects, clicks, falls into place. Without removing his gaze from my eyes, he leans forward and runs the tip of his nose along the bridge of mine.
His hand strokes my cheek and neck before his thumb rubs a circle on my pulse. He looks at me like he can’t believe I’m real. I look at him and try to tell him how grateful I am with my eyes. How much he’s worth and how much he deserves to be happy.
“Go to sleep, Gwen,” he whispers, his breath minty and sweet.
My son is lifted to his chest. He cradles Dillan softly and presses his lips to his wrinkled forehead. Dillan lets out a squawk when Nathan places him in his bed, tucks him in tight and climbs over me to get back to his side.
I turn towards him, something I’ve never done before and wrap my arm around his bare chest. He squeezes me tight and lets out a sigh of contentment.
I don’t wake up again until eight the next morning and both my son and Nathan have vanished, only to be found wandering around on the ground floor having a one sided conversation that I can’t hear.
Looking at them together, looking at Nathan with Dillan, I can’t help but be relieved and admit that my fears are gone. Caleb might not be here, but right now, we’re not alone.
******
“Can I ask you something?” I say quietly after walking into the nursery and watching Nathan with Dillan to his chest. His gloves are off and Dillan is drooling on Nathan’s skin. Yet I’ve never seen Nathan look so content. It’s been eating at me for a couple of days now, since Dillan was born. Nathan has an issue with germs but recently, he’s been wearing his gloves less and less.
Nathan blinks up at me, seeming to slowly come out of a daze, “What’s wrong?” The chair on which he sits continues rocking slowly. His ankle is resting on the top of his other leg, which gently pushes the chair back and forth.
I walk over to him and sit on the padded arm, looking down at them both, my heart singing with happiness at the sight. As much as it hurts that Caleb can’t be here for this, I’m glad to see that my grief hasn’t fully gone to waste. Seeing Nathan look so peaceful and happy fills that hole in my chest a small amount. Enough to make the days go by easier.
“You rarely wear your gloves anymore,” I whisper, my fingers stroking the back of his longish hair. He leans back and closes his eyes, as if seeking out my touch. “I’ve been wondering whether to mention it or not. I’ve been worried I’ll trigger the need or something.”
His irises peak from between hooded lids. “I don’t know why.” A small smile touches his lips, I want to trace it with my thumb but I don’t. “When you had him, I got covered in more fluids than I care to admit.” Snort. That’s true. I cringe a little. “I think the panic overrode my fears at the time because I found it didn’t bother me. I was too worried about you.” His hand leaves Dillan’s back and rests on my thigh. “Before he was born I was worried I’d run from the nappies, vomit and snotty events that will likely happen in the future. But seeing him born,” his closed lip smile widens, his lips part showing his shiny white teeth as his eyes gaze upon my son. “I’ve never witnessed anything so disgusting.” My mouth drops open, I feign offence. He chuckles and continues, “Or amazing in my entire life. Nothing he can produce bothers me.” His eyes come back to mine, my breath fails. “Or you. I don’t know if it’s because we’ve spent so much time together or because I’ve already been covered in your bodily fluids.” Nice way of putting it. A soft look comes over his eyes and once again I’m shown a flash of vulnerability that makes Nathan seem so much younger than he is. “I don’t mind touching you anymore. In fact… I’ve come to enjoy the contact.”
My eyes burn knowing that in some small way I’ve helped him along with the healing process. Even if it only applies to me and Dillan, I’m glad to have helped in some way. “You’re an amazing person, Nathan.”
His tongue comes out to tease his lower lip, his eyes go back to the window where they were looking when I first walked in. “I’ll never intentionally hurt you. You know that right?”
Well that’s a random conversation flip. “I know.” And I do know. I trust him more than anyone else.
The mysteriousness of this new conversation doesn’t end. “I make a lot of mistakes when I’m mad. I didn’t…” He pauses, thinking on his words for a moment. “I didn’t have the best upbringing. That’s not to say I want you to feel obligated to me in any way. I just want you to know that I’m not used to being this close to somebody. Even Caleb. I’ve always been secluded,” he laughs coolly, his lips a thin line. “I don’t even have any friends.”
“I’m your friend.”
“Yes,” his eyes become distant for a moment. “You are. But just know that whatever I do, if it hurts you, it’s not intentional. I just don’t know how to do this.”
“What are you talking about?” Why do I get the feeling like he’s warning me for something that has yet to come?
“Nothing, I’m just pointing out a major flaw in my personality.” He sighs long and deep, the lines around his eyes showing how many concerns he has on his mind.
I don’t say anything, I’m not sure what to say. Instead I slide onto his lap, mindful of the baby on his chest and rest my head against his neck. He presses his lips to my hair and strokes my arm with his free hand.
******
“Oh my god, look at him!” My mum sniffs and cradles Dillan to her bosom.
Nathan keeps his eyes on his newspaper but the way he spreads it out is slightly more aggressive than usual, his arms jerk to flick it in the air, stopping it from bending. He really doesn’t like my mum and she’s only been here an hour.
“And look at you, I wish my body got back to normal that fast,” she gives me a pout whilst eyeing me up and down. Her gaze is nothing but friendly though so I don’t mind it. “And I love the name. Dillan suits him.”
“Nathan picked it,” I blurt, feeling the need to give him the credit he deserves. “His middle name is Caleb.” I picked that for obvious reasons.
“Beautiful,” she beams and places her finger in Dillan’s hand. He squeezes it, his eyes now open and unfocused. I’m eager to see whose colour eyes he gets. “I’m so proud of you.” She looks at Nathan. “And you, for stepping up when it wasn’t your job to. Your parents must be proud.”
Nathan seems shocked by her words and his demeanour towards my mum softens after this.
I’m exhausted, I haven’t slept for three weeks since Dillan was born. I find napping when the baby naps is the best way to stop myself from crashing during the day. My mum is also here for a few days which is great. She’s going to teach me how to express milk. I can’t for the life of me figure out how to use the breast pump comfortably.
I had this image in my head of being milked like a cow and having it squirt out in one flow, enough to fill at least six bottles. That’s not the case at all. Some days I produce more milk than others and mostly I can only produce and ounce or two.
At least I’m getting the hang of it now. I can freeze it too which is even better.
Nathan has to leave soon, his store should be opening in a couple of months. He has a lot to get through to finalise it, the problem is; I think he’s having trouble leaving us.
Things have been a little bit tense with him lately. Not with us but with something he won’t discuss with me. Almost every single morning for the past few weeks there has been a package on the doorstep.
I’m not sure what it is but I know it’s causing Nathan stress. I’ve asked him about it but he only tells me to mind my own business. Not in the mean way he used to but the stern tone is still there so I daren’t ask again.
I’m worried about him.
Part of me wonders if he’s being blackmailed. What with everything going on with his father. I’m not sure what’s going on with that either, all I know is that he has court soon. Nathan won’t tell me anything about anything. In his mind he’s protecting me from unnecessary stresses. He doesn’t understand that if it’s upsetting him, then to me it is a necessary stress.
I almost got my hands on a package five days ago but he took it and made a few calls. Since then there hasn’t been another. I know that whatever it is, somebody wants me to see it. Or at least that’s my theory. My curious nature drives me around the bend, I wish I could push it out of my mind but I can’t. What is it that has Nathan so uptight at the moment and why won’t he confide in me?
What does he have to hide?
My mum is here though so I have to get over it for now. It’s been a while since I saw her and honestly… I’ve missed her. She’s asked me how everything is and I’ve told her all is well with me and Nathan. I know she doesn’t approve of our current situation but she can’t say anything.
As long as I’m happy and Dillan is happy, that’s all that matters.
Nathan won’t even let me sleep alone, to say he’s become clingy would be an understatement. The problem is, I don’t want to sleep alone and I like having him hold me as I sleep every night.
I’m extremely pleased to see that Nathan still doesn’t have any issues with, Dillan and I where his bare hands are concerned. Dillan’s potential germs don’t seem to bother him at all. He’s been amazing, if Dillan needs changing, he’ll just get up and do it. Of course I do it as much as he, but I never even have to ask.
