by A. E. Murphy
What the heck is wrong with me?
I’m cuddling Dillan and rocking him for only ten minutes before he’s asleep again. I need to speak to Nathan, we need to stop this. We can’t let this continue. It’s wrong and… it’s just wrong.
Caleb… I touch the picture of his gorgeous face that I hung from the cot mobile only a week ago. His smile makes me feel so damn guilty for whatever it is I’m doing.
The picture turns with the soft tinkling tune that plays as the mobile spins slowly. Tiny beige stuffed animals hang from its wooden points. Like being in a trance, I stare at the slowly moving mobile and lose myself for a moment, imagining what could have been.
Tears fall from my eyes as I think about what I’ve done. I wouldn’t even consider doing this if Caleb were alive. It would be so morally wrong and in a way… taboo. Nathan is his brother! This is stuff you see on the TV happening to other people. Reality shows where they have paternity tests to determine the father of the child.
Yet it’s happening to me.
My heart is so confused. My head tells me this is wrong but whenever I’m with Nathan my heart is conflicted. One part screams for Caleb and the piece he took with him, the other half tells me how much I love being around Nathan, how good he makes me feel. How cherished he makes me feel. How protected.
Sucking in my fear, I bury it deep down and slowly make my way to my room.
Where’s Nathan?
I step back out and notice the door at the end of the hall is open, the one leading to his bedroom. I should leave him alone, maybe he doesn’t want to sleep with me now. That isn’t a bad thing. We’ve taken this too far.
For some reason I can’t leave him. I start forward, my pulse throbbing with every step, my nerves rising. The last thing I want is to hurt him or to push him away; but he needs to understand that this, whatever this is between us, can’t happen.
I slowly and quietly ascend the stairs. There’s no light coming from beneath his bedroom door.
It’s shut, I should knock but for some strange reason I don’t. Maybe I’m worried I’ll wake him. At least… that’s what I tell myself.
The door opens an inch at a time with the assistance of my hand.
I hear his breathing, his heavy laboured breath. Another noise accompanies it. My head screams at me to look away but I can’t.
Instantly my mouth goes dry, as I stare at Nathan’s profile through the crack in the door. He’s standing, one hand leaning on the chest of drawers by his bed, the other… wrapped around his swollen and angry looking length. His blue and white pyjama trousers are still up so I’m assuming he’s only pulled the front down.
Slowly his hand strokes back and forth, a leather glove on it. That’s weird. Maybe he likes the feel of it.
His shoulders tense and his muscles bulge as he continues working himself. It’s an amazing sight. One I shouldn’t be appreciating.
“Damn it,” he whispers, his eyes on something on the desk in front of him. I can’t see what it is, the room is too dark and it’s too far away.
The muscles in his arm tense and flex as he picks up the pace, his hand now working almost furiously on himself. My stomach clenches, I feel myself become slowly wet as I watch the scene before me.
Gulp. He pulls on himself faster and harder, it looks almost painful. So raw, so… desperate.
I lean closer to the door. Big mistake.
My jellified legs buckle slightly as I lean, I catch myself on the door handle causing it to click.
My heart stops and I begin to shake. Oh crap.
He freezes, his eyes close, the whites no longer shining in the dim light coming through the open curtains.
I contemplate running but I’d just look like a creeper. Hell, I am a creeper.
Shiny beads of sweat glisten on his forehead like tiny diamonds, I have the urge to wipe them from his brow. I don’t. Instead I stand in the doorway, my mouth parted in silent shock.
He’s going to get angry, I just know it.
“Are you going to just stand there?” His voice is deep and hoarse, I’ve never heard it sound this way before. It caresses me in places like a hand would. “Seeing as you’ve already invaded my privacy, a few more steps won’t hurt.”
Gulp.
He turns, tucking himself back into his pyjamas, forming a tent in the front with his straight and impressive erection.
“I… I’m sorry… I came to…” My thoughts won’t gather, my mouth is too dry, my eyes won’t leave his twitching length. “To talk.”
“Talk?” He smirks in the dark. “What about?”
“About,” something to do with something. “Something.” Face palm. “Downstairs, in bed.”
His smirk widens, “Care to elaborate?”
“I…” Oh crap. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have… I just…” I’m an idiot. “I’m sorry.”
In four long strides he’s grabbing me and pressing me against the wall, his faces inches from mine. “Did you enjoy watching me?”
Oh my god. “I should go back to my room.” Nodding frantically I try to squeeze from between him and the wall.
“There’s nothing wrong with feeling aroused,” he traps me by pressing his body against mine, his thickness pushing up between us, resting between our pelvic bones. “If I touch you down there will you be wet?”
Yes. God yes. “Nathan,” I don’t know whether I’m pleading or warning.
“I’ll take that as a yes,” he chuckles and nips at my neck, making me want to arch my back and push my aching breasts against his chest.
No. I didn’t come up here for this, “I should go.”
“You don’t want to.”
I place my hands on his chest between us and push him back a step, slowly and gently. “I need to.”
He looks at me for a long moment before speaking, and what he says shocks me so badly, my mind goes blank. All previous thoughts flee. “I know you’re not ready yet. I don’t expect you to be. I also don’t care how long it takes.” He winds a lock of my hair around his gloved finger, reminding me of where that hand was not moments ago. Oh god. “I won’t stop trying.”
“T… trying what?” I stammer and lick my dry lips.
“To make you mine.” Thud. My heart just hit my ribcage in an attempt to run screaming. I blink in shock. “This is more than just an obligation to you and Dillan. I can’t hide it anymore and I can’t keep pretending that we aren’t perfect for each other when clearly… we are.” The arrogance in his tone should make me angry, the things he’s insinuating should make me really angry; they don’t. I only have one thing on my mind right now. It begins with S and ends in X. His words only fuel my desire and it takes everything I have to stop myself from wrapping around him like a koala and clinging on for dear life. “But I won’t push you like I have. I want you to come to me when you’re ready.” His admission brings me back to earth for a flicker of a second and the guilt I feel pierces through my lusting state.
“And what if I don’t?” I ask, because I doubt I will. No matter how bad he seems to be affecting me I could never betray Caleb like that.
Pain flickers in his eyes for a moment, “Then I’ll just have to enjoy you in any way I can get you.”
“And if I do?” Why did I ask that? It just came out.
I open my mouth to tell him not to answer but I’m too late. His words are firm and sure. His smile gentle yet cocky. “Then I intend to marry you and keep you for a very long time.”
My mouth forms the shape of an O, like Bridget Jones when she walks into the party wearing a bunny suit. “Oh.”
Chapter Twenty Two
I’m stood at my car outside of the supermarket, piling my groceries into the boot when a tall and not too handsome male approaches me. “Excuse me sweetheart.” He runs his fingers through his greying hair and blows out a long breath. “Sorry to bother you, I’m Carl.”
I don’t respond, I’m not a fan of being approached by strangers, no matter how friendly they seem. Where th
e hell is Nathan? He only went to change Dillan whilst I took the trolley to the car. He should be here by now.
He notices my lack of response but doesn’t seem offended, “I’m sort of a messenger.”
“Okay.” Where is he going with this?
“I was told to deliver this directly to you,” he holds out a large brown envelope that’s bulging at the bottom.
I stare at the envelope, my eyes blinking stupidly. Should I take it? Maybe I can…
Dillan is thrust into my arms, I barely manage to catch him before Nathan is on Carl. I let out a scream when Nathan brings his fist back and swings it around, it connects with Carl’s cheekbone but he quickly retaliates.
The hit didn’t even daze Nathan and it was a hard hit.
“You stay the hell away from her!” Nathan shouts, blocking Carl’s next swing and grabbing him by the throat. “Get Dillan in the car Gwen.”
I don’t need telling twice, I quickly climb into the back and strap Dillan into his car seat. He lets out a baby cry but soon settles which I’m grateful for.
During this time Nathan has Carl pressed up against the back of the car. I scramble out, convinced that Dillan will be okay for a moment. Nathan needs me.
Two men come over and separate the fight, not that it can be called that. Nathan was kicking arse until they showed up. I actually feel bad for Carl and his broken nose and his lip that’s bleeding so profusely from the side, I have a terrible feeling it’ll need stitches.
Nathan scoops the envelope up from the ground and tucks it inside his jacket. His hand trembles as he grips my arm, guides me to the passenger side and forces me in.
His angry brown eyes glare at Carl who is still being restrained and ordering that somebody call the police. Everybody seems a little bit stunned by the events. This is a small town, this just doesn’t happen here.
“Are you okay?” I ask softly, not knowing what else to say. His lips are a thin white line and a vein bulges on his forehead. He turns on the ignition and reverses out of his parking spot, causing two people to leap to the side out of the way. Christ. Is he crazy? “Calm down.”
He ignores me and races out of the car park way over the speed limit. His anger is obvious, so much so, I’m surprised he’s not glowing red. Actually, he looks like he kind of is.
“Do you want to tell me what’s going on?” I snap and look over my shoulder at Dillan waving his chubby arms around. Nathan finally slows when we reach the end of the street, my body relaxes a fraction but not much. “Nathan. What’s in the envelope?”
“Don’t ask,” he doesn’t sound angry or even irritated, he sounds desperate. “Please. Just… don’t ask.”
“Why?”
“Because you’ll hate me,” he says this brokenly, as if this is worse than any other possibility.
“I doubt that,” I place my hand on his arm. “Tell me.”
“I refuse!”
Gah. “Fine. I won’t ask.” At least not whilst I can see how clearly upset he is.
We drive home in silence, it’s tense and uncomfortable and brings back memories of our first couple of months together.
“Nathan?” I call as he makes his way into the house. He stops to unlock the door before coming back to help me unload the boot.
“Take Dillan inside,” he demands. “Oh, and next time I leave you alone for five minutes, don’t talk to anybody. Not even Paula or Jeanine.”
My mouth drops open, “What?”
“You heard me.”
“You expect me to ignore my friends because of something you won’t tell me about? Something that will clearly affect me.”
His broken and pleading gaze comes to me. His tone matches, “Yes.”
“This is…” I pick up Dillan and hold him tight to me. His eyes peek up at me as I clutch him to my chest. “Ridiculous. Just tell me what it is, rip off the plaster, I’m not stupid. I know you’re being blackmailed, that much is obvious. Especially now.”
“Take Dillan inside,” he hisses, his tone telling me that he’s not to be trifled with.
“I’m going to take him inside, and then we’re going to talk.”
“No we’re not.”
I give him the same look he gave me only moments ago, “Oh, we are.”
His face registers that of shock, I’ve never spoken to him this way before. If I didn’t know any better I’d say he was amused for a moment before realizing that this time, I’m not going to relent.
I’m confident that Nathan won’t leave to avoid me, not when he’s obviously trying to hide something and whoever is trying to deliver it is being relentless about it.
Dinner is as silent and as tense as the drive home. Whenever I try to speak to him he completely blanks me as if I’m not here. To say I’m frustrated would be an understatement.
“Still talking to myself I see,” I mumble and follow Nathan up the stairs. He continues up to his room and even has the gall to slam the door in my face. “You can’t keep hiding from me, you’re going to have to talk to me eventually.”
I try the handle but he’s locked it from the inside.
“Nathan, please.”
“Go away Gwen,” he pulls the door open, his face now inches from mine. “I’m serious. Go away.”
“Arsehole,” I swear, looking for a reaction. His jaw tenses. “Dick. Shit. Bitch. Bollocks.” A hand slams over my mouth and a very tense looking Nathan glares at me. I continue with my cursing, even though it’s muffled by his palm.
“You’re going to keep pushing me aren’t you?” He sighs, his hand still covering my now silent mouth. “I’m not going to tell you, so please, just drop it.”
“It’s clear to me,” I begin when he removes his hand from my mouth. “That I’m going to find our eventually. Maybe you should just trust me with this, tell me before somebody else does.”
His face pales, his eyes glitter with sorrow. “I can’t.”
My heart lurches and my hand immediately comes up and grips the back of his hair, “I can see that it’s hurting you. Trust me with it.”
He seems to think on it for a moment, then the shutters come down, hiding all emotion from me. “No.”
Seconds later he’s gone and the door has been slammed and locked again. I’m half tempted to go outside and wait for another messenger, but I don’t.
Instead I retreat to the nursery and play with my baby boy. He still hasn’t smiled yet and he’s now officially five weeks old. Time flies. I can’t believe how well he’s holding his head up. It’s madness.
“Peekaboo,” nothing. Nothing but a blink. I guess he doesn’t like peekaboo any more than his uncle likes it.
This entire situation is so frustrating, I hate being kept in the dark. I’m not used to secrets. I don’t have many friends and the friends I do have tell me pretty much everything. My mum didn’t have any friends or family as I grew up so there were no secrets there either. As for Caleb, he never kept anything from me. There wasn’t a point in our relationship where I felt like he was hiding something. Not that I can recall anyway.
Caleb, if you’re up there, please give me a clue. I have no idea what I’m doing and I’m scared. Fear is one of my quick to react emotions. It’s usually the first thing I feel when faced by a difficult situation. Although I’m not a coward by any means, I tend to face my fears head on. I just hate feeling fear.
I need it to stop. I need to get Nathan back to his normal self.
Why do I have a terrible feeling that it’ll never happen? Why do I have a terrible feeling that I’m about to lose another part of me?
A week goes by, Nathan left the first morning after the incident. I don’t know where he is or why he’s dared to leave me. All I know is that I’ve left the house with Dillan, expecting someone to come up to me with this bloody envelope that clearly hides something tremendous. Yet nobody has.
Which means Nathan has dealt with it.
This thought brings me a small amount of relief. At least my world isn’t about to tu
rn upside down. I’ve come to rely on Nathan too much and this past week has been hard. Harder than it should have been.
I just wish he’d come home. Or at least answer the phone when I call.
At least I have Dillan for company. That’s a relief.
Of course I tried to search for this envelope too, I didn’t just hang around and wait for it to be delivered. Unfortunately Nathan’s office and bedroom were both locked and I couldn’t find a trace of it anywhere else. This also kept me occupied.
I’m woken by the sound of soft words being spoken through the baby monitor. I can’t quite make out what’s being said but I can tell it’s Nathan. Checking the clock I see that it’s just turned midnight. Relief fills me when I fully register the fact that I’m not dreaming and Nathan is in fact home. So I scramble from my bed and quietly creep to the nursery.
The door is open, Nathan is sat in the rocking chair with his back to me. I can see the top of Dillan’s head resting on the curve of Nathan’s arm as he rocks backwards and forwards.
“Hey, I didn’t hear him wake,” I say softly, noticing Nathan’s body tense as I move closer.
My gorgeous little boy is fast asleep, swaddled in a beige blanket. Nathan lifts him to his lips, kisses his chubby cheek before placing him in his cot and tucking him in. He stands with his back to me, his hands gripping the wooden railing.
“Are you okay?” I don’t know what to say, this seems the most plutonic thing to say considering the circumstances.
Nathan shakes his head, “Just saying goodbye.”
“You’re leaving again?” My voice comes out breathy and full of panic and disbelief. “If this is…”
“Not here,” cold, calm and emotionless brown eyes come to me. A draft hits my body as he passes, causing me to shiver slightly. Or maybe that’s his cold demeanour making me feel slightly chilled.
I follow him into his office and sit in the chair beside his desk. He stares down at a few sheets of paper in front of him, his tongue runs across his lower lip. Please don’t be leaving. Don’t leave us.
