Ultimate Mid-life Crisis

by Adam Graham

  “Not until you pay, lawbreaker! You must banish the letters N-Z from the first letter of your name. You think this infringes on your freedom, but you have no idea what infringement occurs when you’re half-man, half-lion and all laser. You have no clue what I suffer.”

  Powerhouse superimagined Laser Lion encased in a large diamond with just an air hole.

  Laser Lion screamed, “No fair! You started fighting me before I finished my monologue.”

  Powerhouse’s face blazed. How had he forgotten such a key comic book rule? “Sorry, I’m too used to real life.”

  The Gnat flapped his wings and soared to the hoard of Aimer heroes.

  “Ooh! That’s it!” Powerhouse superimagined a wall of bricks between the two armies, flew to the top of the wall, and a made a T gesture with his hands. “Time out.”

  Boomerang Bloke screamed, “There’s no time out for lawbreakers, you metal-plated felon!”

  “If you let me, I can resolve this peacefully, so the law can be enforced, and we don’t kill each other to start a stupid comic book event. What do you say, Miss Invisible?”

  She stood in her bizarre contortionist stance. “You have five minutes, but be warned, we Aimers will not stop until the law is obeyed!”

  “Stop standing like that. You’ll hurt yourself. I’ll be back.” Powerhouse landed behind the wall where all the N through Z heroes stood.

  Solar Lady said, “We won’t obey this law. It’s unconstitutional.”

  Powerhouse asked, “Then why aren’t we suing?”

  The other stared at him blankly.

  Powerhouse spread his hands. “Here’s my plan. We each legally add a silent ‘g’ to the first letter of our name, then we file a lawsuit alleging this is unconstitutional.”

  Solar Lady wrinkled her nose. “That’d be stupid.”

  “Stupider than going to war with friends who didn’t make a law but think we should obey it? Stupider than doing billions of dollars in property damage and hurting innocent people? Consider the great superheroes of old who had to wear primary-colored costumes. Those clothes were impractical, but it was necessary. I say we can stand having to include a silent ‘G’ in our name. I say the people are worth it, and it’s worth it not to fight heroes.”

  The other heroes nodded.

  Powerhouse imagined the wall fading away. “Okay, we’ve agreed to abide by the law.”

  Boomerang Bloke said, “What’s your name?”

  “Powerhouse with a silent ‘G’ at the start. All of our names start with a silent ‘g’ now.”

  Miss Invisible stepped forward and stood normally for once. “You have us, technically, until the law is changed.”

  “Well, until then, let’s call this stupid war to a stop. Gpowerhouse away!”

  He rocketed upwards and flew above Seattle.

  His cell phone rang. He answered it.

  “Gpowerhouse, this is Inspector Blanchet of the Paris Police. We are in need of your assistance at once. It is Captain France. He’s gone insane and is driving a tank through the streets of Paris and mud wrestling criminals for dominance.”

  “That sounds kind of awesome, but it isn’t something he’d ever do. He must have been taken over by alien from outer space or something.”

  “He’s beating brutally the criminals and using unnecessary violence. He’s become such a menace, we’re prepared to use nuclear weapons to stop him.”

  Then Captain France wasn’t the only one to go crazy. “I’m on my way.”

  Gpowerhouse imagined his airship into existence and rocketed up inside of it and set course for Paris. The ship stopped beside the Eiffel Tower.

  He rocketed the ship towards the address of Captain France’s building. It was a black steel fortress with a French Flag on top with gun turrets all around. How had he managed to construct this thing? On the bright side, this wasn’t the romantic spot Naomi had in mind for their Paris vacation. So maybe they weren’t missing much.

  A scratchy version of Captain France’s voice poured through a speaker on the wall. “My old ‘friend,’ the lapdog of the Prefecture of Police, I see you have arrived. Come and we shall meet.”

  The steel re-enforced door opened for him.

  Powerhouse strode through the armor-plated floors. The lights were so dim, he could barely see. “Um, Captain France. Where are you?”

  “Take the elevator. It’s twenty feet to your left.”

  Gpowerhouse squinted. It was too dark. He superimagined night vision goggles on his face and strode towards the elevator. He got in, and it took him down for a seeming eternity.

  It let him out in a manmade, underground cave filled with computers and weaponry. Thanks to the night vision goggles, he spotted a fat guy in Captain France’s costume and gasped. That was Captain France, but he was a hundred pounds heavier and his muscles were almost busting out of his brownish gray costume with the French flag on his chest.

  Glaring, Captain France struggled onto his feet. “Are you the voice of the establishment come to rein me in?”

  “It seems like you’ve been kind of brutal from what I’ve heard.”

  “These are brutal times, mon ami.”

  “That doesn’t mean we should become brutal.”

  “Are you going to stop me?”

  “If I didn’t, it’d be a wasted trip, plus I don’t want to see you get killed.”

  “Then you will have to fight me.”

  “Come on. You can’t beat me.” Maybe he should treat him like a suicidal guy and keep him talking. “By the way, what’s happened to you?”

  “I hit middle age and got fat and muscular and knew I needed to return.”

  “Where had you gone?”

  “That doesn’t matter anymore.” Captain France rose and slinked into a closet. “Pardon, my arthritis is acting up. Since I no longer have my youth, I needed to become darker and more edgy to take down all the criminal scum that have crept up around Paris.”

  Gpowerhouse kept his hands out. “I understand that thinking, but do you really have to drive around in a tank?”

  Captain France reemerged in a black battle suit covered in machine guns and missiles that would look better on a battle ship. “Some men get sports cars when they hit midlife. I got a tank.” He pressed a button on the closet and was encased in black steel armor. “Now either leave Paris to me or fight me.”

  “I can’t allow you to keep doing this. You’ve got to calm down, or your government’s going to set off an atom bomb.”

  “Very well, have at it, and none of your superimagination, if you have any respect for the battles we fought together. We shall fight this man to man.”

  He wouldn’t need his superimagination.

  He pressed the button to turn on his personal force field. “Look, I’m not going to fight.”

  Captain France fired a laser beam at him.

  Gpowerhouse jumped in the air to dodge. “This is stupid. We’re friends.”

  “You are a lackey for the government.”

  Two missiles fired from the suit of armor and went into the fortress wall.

  “Okay, that’s it, I’m going to have to take that suit off you.” Powerhouse zipped over to Captain France and placed his hands above the missile bay. The mini-missiles went back into the suit and exploded, knocking Captain France back and ripping off the front plate of his armor.

  Gpowerhouse stood over him. “Give up. You can’t win. “

  Severe pain ripped through his back. He landed on it, numb from below that point, and craned his neck.

  Grinning, Boomerang Bloke ran out from a corner. “What a shot!”

  Captain France sneered at Gpowerhouse. “I developed a boomerang that could pierce your force field and your armor and immobilize you. It cost a fortune, but it was worth it.” Captain France kicked him in the head and side over and over again with his heavy boots. “Now you see I am your superior, for I am unafraid to take advantage of you being unable to defend yourself.”

  Gpowerhouse
held back the screams ripping through his head and body.

  Captain France glanced at his face and kicked again. “Sorry, I was going to stop, but you didn’t have enough blood coming through your helmet.”

  “The artists needs something to work with.” Gpowerhouse groaned.

  “Now, I am choosing to leave you alive, for I want you to remember the one man who defeated you until the end of your days.”

  “How about I remember that the only way you won was by cheating?”

  “Stay out of my country.”

  Gpowerhouse snorted. Attitudes like that explained why the French had a tourism problem.

  Captain France clutched his chest, convulsing. He collapsed and stared up blankly.

  “No!” Gpowerhouse’s heart ached. Why did he have to die?

  The Boomerang Bloke knelt and checked Captain France’s pulse. “He’s dead. Heart attack.”

  Feeling returned to Gpowerhouse. He stood and squeezed his fingers.

  A man in a tuxedo carrying a bottle of wine walked in. He gasped and collapsed to the ground.

  The Boomerang Bloke whistled. “Blimey, Captain France should have told his faithful family servant that he was going to fake his own death.”

  “Yeah he should’ve.” Gpowerhouse bit his lip. Wait. “He’s not dead?”

  “Nah, he took a drug to stop his heart. It’s part of a plan to avoid being caught by the police by going underground. I’m not supposed to tell you.”

  “But you just did.”

  “Oh.” Boomerang Bloke covered his mouth. “Aren’t you curious how I got here?”

  “I know how you got here. You traveled off-panel.”

  A computer on the wall screamed, “Alert! Top priority emergency.”

  “I’ll deal with you two later.” Gpowerhouse got on the elevator.

  Boomerang Bloke joined him. “You need me to get to the street level.”

  Seconds later, they were running onto the street. Gpowerhouse tossed aside his night vision goggles.

  A giant arrow cursor appeared along with a rectangular text box. The arrow clicked on start.

  Powerhouse gasped. “The universe is being rebooted.”

  The arrow raced up towards the sky.

  He sped ahead of the arrow. “Stop!”

  The arrow danced and moved back and forth like a mouse was rolling and hit him hard, slamming him backwards.

  A giant options menu appeared.

  He sped up to catch the arrow, his arms outstretched, and got only a few feet away. The arrow clicked on the button that said, “Full universe reboot.”

  The entire world started disintegrating.

  Boomerang Bloke waved. “See you in the reboot, mate. Though, I might be a villain again.”

  Everything disappeared to black, and giant white letters appeared. “Now installing Universe 2.0, please wait.”

  Given how long it took to install the newest Spider-Man game, a whole universe was going to take forever.

  The letters disappeared and the universe reappeared. Powerhouse landed in his backyard, except now his house was in Seattle proper and two stories high. Out of the house jogged a man in jeans and a Mainstream Comics polo shirt. “I’m Walter, your new writer.”

  “Hey! What happened to Adam?”

  “We didn’t keep any of Blue Cat comics’ writers. I’m bringing a brand new direction to your life. I thought I’d show you a couple of new features to your life. First thing, that silent ‘G’ has been dropped from your name. The Alphabet Wars never happened.”

  “Yay!”

  In a flash, they stood in the garage beside a brand new blue Ford F-150 pickup truck.

  “Wow!” Powerhouse stroked the new red leather seats and examined the beautiful blue exterior. “This is awesome.”

  “Take off your helmet.”

  Powerhouse removed his helmet. In its reflection, his smooth face was handsome and five years younger. “That looks good.”

  “Look over here.” Walter pointed behind the truck at a motorcycle. “It’s a custom-made bike you can ride up the side of buildings.”

  Powerhouse blinked. “Why would I want or need to do that?”

  “Editorial mandate for toy marketing purposes.”

  “I can’t.” Powerhouse cringed. “Naomi made me promise I would never ride a motorcycle.”

  “Not a problem. You’re not married anymore.”

  His temperature rose as he clenched his fists. “What!”

  “Your marriage aged you too much.”

  “What else in my life have you changed to explain us instead deciding to have the kids out of wedlock and live together as boyfriend and girlfriend?”

  Walter laughed. “You haven’t even met her yet, and you never will get romantically involved with her so long as I’m your writer. Eventually, I’ll bring her back, but as a confidante of your new love interest and a single mother—and you won’t be James’ and Derrick’s father.”

  Powerhouse screamed. “What?”

  “She’s too boring for you. A superhero, look twice at a mortgage banker who dreams of teaching French History? Yawn. You’ll feel nothing for her but compassion.”

  Powerhouse grabbed the useless motorcycle and ripped it in two. Chest heaving, he disintegrated the garage.

  Walter spun to flee. Powerhouse grabbed him by his shoulders, zoomed him up into the sky five miles, and dropped him.

  Walter screamed wildly.

  Powerhouse swooped down and caught him. “Bring back my family!”

  “You’re not supposed to be this dark!”

  Powerhouse held him above him. “You messed with my family! I’d kill you in a heartbeat, if that were a necessary measure that would protect them.”

  “You’ll appeal far more to my readers if you’re happy, good-looking, and have a fabulous love life.”

  “I don’t want to be happy, good looking, and have a fabulous love life! I want to be married.” Powerhouse groaned. That came out wrong. Good thing Naomi wasn’t here. His wife was touchy enough to take it personally. “I’m serious. You’ve got three seconds to bring back my family before I wring your neck and go find Adam.”

  Walter’s eyes widened. “Sorry! I had to. It was an editorial mandate.”

  “No!” He stretched the word out to six syllables, slammed Walter down, and rocketed through the sky at top speed.

  He reached the headquarters of Mainstream Comics and crashed through the window, spreading glass all over the floor. The CEO’s chair was turned to face away from him. Powerhouse stood in front of the desk. “Now, see here, Mr. CEO. I refuse to go along with your getting rid of my wife and kids.”

  “You will refuse nothing. Superhero comics exist today to provide their male readership a fantasy life with no real responsibilities, the opportunities to commit mass amounts of violence without going to jail, and to have a variety of sexual partners. Your wife doesn’t fit into those plans.”

  “You’re wrong. My comic is about always standing up for what’s right, being heroic, and defending the weak. It’s about growing and becoming a better person. For that, I need Naomi. She’s helped me in so many ways. I wouldn’t be the same hero without her.”

  “You won’t persuade me.” The CEO turned around.

  Mitch Farrow.

  Powerhouse gasped. “No.”

  “Yes, I bought Mainstream Comics. I’m ordering the writers to change history so she was never even born, and I’ll make you forget her. To you, in this universe, I am god.”

  Powerhouse snarled. That was it. “No, you’re a nightmare. I’m more than a comic book hero. I am a man. The Lord is God alone. He controls my life and will get me out of here.”

  Warmth filled Powerhouse’s chest. God was here.

  The office dissolved away.

  Powerhouse blinked. He lay on the dirt in the cave with the rest of his team. “Where am I?”

  Shorty stood over him. “Perdition. You’re a lowly mine slave.”

  Powerhouse jumped up
and did a jig. “Woo hoo! I’m a mine slave, not a comic book character. Praise God! Hallelujah!”

  Shorty rubbed his head. “Are you okay?”

  “I’m wonderful!”

  “That was some vision you had, based on all of the shouting.” Shorty handed Powerhouse a small piece of stale bread and a cup of water. “Here’s your breakfast ration.”

  Powerhouse smiled and bowed his head. Dear God, thank you for this food, and thank you for delivering me from that awful dream. I’m sorry for not realizing it was a dream sooner. That was dumb. Farrow really does own Amazing Comics, but there is no brand named Mainstream Comics. Lord, I know you’re here. Be with me and guide me. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

  Powerhouse inhaled the rations in a matter of minutes.

  Shorty said, “Don’t try and do all the mine stuff yourself. They’ll keep us doing something all day. The overseer brought buckets for us to carry for the dirt. Go grab a couple.”

  “Sure.” Powerhouse stood and grabbed one bucket in each hand. “I feel like singing.” He looked at the buckets. “Why not? Heigh ho, heigh ho, it’s off to work I go!”

  An electronic shock surged through his body.

  Overseer sneered. “No singing. I’m in total control here.”

  That’s what you think. Powerhouse smiled as he sang in the privacy of his heart, “I Know My Redeemer Lives.”

  Chapter 21

  Justice Woman v. The Cat Creep

  Justice Woman rode down the streets of Seattle on Cyrus.

  “Help!” a man screamed.

  Justice Woman pulled Cyrus’s reigns. “Come on, boy, to that alley.”

  Cyrus galloped over and Naomi dismounted.

  A woman held her knife in the back of a wiry man with brown hair.

  Naomi pulled her pistol out of her holster. “Drop it!”

  The mugger stared back at Naomi. “Give me a break. I’m just tryin’ to break into a male-dominated profession.”

  Naomi rolled her eyes. “Me, too. Now drop it.”

  Cursing, the mugger dropped the knife.

  Naomi dismounted and said, “Let me get some rope out of my belt.” She reached into a pouch and pulled out the rope and tied the woman’s hands.

  “How did you fit that inside such a tiny pouch?”