Finding Cait

by Sarah White

  At this moment I would give anything to feel the wet sand beneath my feet as I rush into the water. I imagine it being dark out, not like now when the sun is set high in the sky, scorching any skin that may be in its rays. I long to dive into a wave and feel it crashing above me, pushing me deeper as I cover as much distance as possible and then breach the surface in search of her.

  My rifle is poised for threats and I can feel the ridges of the hand guard on my M16 beneath my fingers. My trigger finger is ready to squeeze if a threat is detected. My hands are dry, calloused and covered with silt destroyed by months of hard work. My hands are nothing like hers, and after all these years I start to wonder if I will ever forget what hers felt like. Wet from the ocean but warm to the touch, I used to love finding her floating, taking a moment to take in her image before reaching out and grasping her hand to let her know she had been found.

  I don’t think it could get any fucking hotter here and I want to scream to everyone to move faster. We have yet to be able to find the right tactic to avoid IED’s and the way I see it the slower we move the bigger target we present to the enemy. Out of habit, I start calculating the time zone difference in my head, and then suddenly remember there won’t be a phone call today because I will be on a plane soon, back to a reality I don’t want to face.

  Before I left I had promised Court I would call when I could and I do my best to keep my word. She will never understand that I must play a little game in my head to survive the distance that is between us when I know that I should really be home incase she ever needs me. I wish that she would have found someone to spend her life with so that I didn’t feel a pull to take care of her, something I have never been able to separate myself from since we were kids. I want to believe that I would be a good brother and call home often even if I wasn’t rewarded with the small update about Cait, but some days I am honest with myself and know that I would trade hours of conversation with my sister for five minutes with Cait.

  I am not the only Marine here playing mind fuck games to survive deployment. In my version of the game I set a time and date to make a call, my reward for surviving I guess. I can’t be tied daily or weekly for that matter to the events of home when I am too far to do anything about them. I space my calls out in hopes of keeping my head here instead of off in a place that exists without me. When my mind starts playing tricks on me like it is today, drifting my thoughts to home, I know I am close to needing to make that call, anchoring myself again in a world where both Court and Cait exist.

  I watch the games being played here in this little version of hell and know that mine is by far the least grueling to me. In my comrades version they call home in an attempt to connect to a family they have left behind so their place there will not be forgotten. Sometimes they win and sometimes they loose, their phone call home confirming someone else is sleeping in their bed and playing with their children.

  Silence around me draws my attention back to my duty and I feel a sudden rush of adrenaline when things are oddly still. A less seasoned or junior Marine might find it peaceful, I have learned that there is always a calm before the storm and over here when there is silence, some shit is about to go down. I connect my eyes to the sergeant ahead of me nodding that I too have noticed the shift. I see the sweat on his brow drip down his cheek and as if the universe has timed it perfectly the shots ring out as the drop leaves his face. I drop to the ground as the blood of those around me is misted across the faces of those who escaped fate again. I do not for a minute think that I will always be this lucky.

  Sliding back against the vehicle I watch everything in slow motion as chaos begins to play out. Marines take cover and begin to shout at each other commands and the voices on the radio are barely audible over the fall out from the attack. I know the sergeant was taken out and I quickly look for any signs of other Marines who met his same fate, literally counting the fucking boots that are missing their Marine. Death over here is always a mathematical equation, removing emotion so we can fight on and preserve more lives, all while misted with the blood of the fallen.

  When I had volunteered to deploy with my unit Sandra had cried and begged me to stay. When she saw that I was determined to go and our three-year relationship came a distant second to the men and women of my unit, her sadness had turned to anger. Tears streaking down her face she asked me if I was going to continue to come here until I was killed so I did not have to face the fact that Cait didn’t love me. With that I left our small apartment, unable to honestly answer her.

  How exactly Sandra put the pieces together about Cait I will never know. I tried to make my calls to Court when Sandra wasn’t around but I know that I wasn’t always as diligent about it as I should have been. The calls alone would have never raised a flag in our relationship, but when we had gone home to spend some time with Court, Cait had been there and Sandra later said she felt more chemistry between Cait and I than she had ever felt between the two of us.

  Sandra and I had met at a bar in the small town where I was stationed. I took her home that first night, too drunk to keep my usual rule of making sure the girl leaves before the sun comes up. She came back to the same bar the following night it seems in hopes of finding me there and since that is where my roommate wanted to have a few beers and watch the game we found each other again. Already familiar enough to pass the usual hook-up pre-game talk; she came home with me again that night. From there spending time with her became a habit, and soon she helped make my time away from home a lot less lonely.

  I tried so hard to love her, and in a way I did, but she never took my breath away and in the end I could not commit. Each time during those three years I would think about breaking it off, I would remind myself that I was being ridiculous obsessing over a girl that would never be mine. I would convince myself that if I stuck it out long enough I would fall in love with her. Three years later the pressure was on to marry her and while I want to be married someday, the thought of being with her for the rest of my life sounded equal to spending the rest of my life alone so I decided to just let her go when she made the decision to leave.

  None of it matters really; Cait had always been in love with Elliot. I would have fought harder for her if I had thought I could give her the life she deserved but I was a foster kid with a plan to join the military and she was hopelessly in love with Elliot, a kid who came from money and had dreams of becoming a doctor. The kiss that we shared just once would have to be enough for a lifetime.

  I sit here leaned up against the vehicle watching Marines scatter around me returning fire and I exhale a breath as I lock my sight onto a man exiting a small house with an AK-47. I take a deep breath and on my exhale I squeeze my trigger and watch his body be riddled with bullets and then fall to the dirt road covered in blood. I just need to make it out of here to catch my flight home so I can be there when my sister leaves this earth.

  Chapter 4

  Cait

  There is a noise outside and a beep of a setting car alarm. I can hear the sound of the boots as they make their way up the steps of the front porch. The screen door opens with a squeak and soon Matt stands before us in his uniform, peering out below the bill of his hat. He is clean shaved and tanned from the days working in the sun.

  Matt takes his hat off as he steps forward and throws it onto the small table besides us. He reaches down and swoops Courtney up from off my lap and spins her around so that he is not facing me. At first I hold my breath, so worried he will crumble her frail body under the weight of his muscular arms. I can smell him now as they stay there embraced and it is the smell of shaving cream and men’s soap and I draw in a deep breath.

  Although he isn’t facing me I know his eyes are closed. Courtney is crying and I can hear the muffled sound of whimpers as he begins to rock her.

  “I made it,” he whispers as he places her bare feet back on the ground.

  “You made it,” she whispers back into his neck as she squeezes tighter. She steps back and looks at him and
he studies her. I can’t help but to study him too. He is taller than I remember and the uniform hugs every line of his body. I don’t know what it is about the Marines but they do know how to make the ugliest of uniforms look sharp. Matt stands before us a man, aged by the perils of war and loss.

  He turns towards me and nods with a slight grin, “Cait, it’s been a while.”

  I suddenly can’t speak and use all the power I can harness to nod in agreement. He still has the same hard jaw line and dark hair that he had when we were younger. As he runs his hand over his hair while reaching for his hat I am suddenly mortified as I remember what I must look like. I had come straight from work and have been crying for what feels like hours. I quickly start playing with my hair and try to act very nonchalant about flattening it and wiping under my eyes. Looking at the black on my fingers I decide to give up, it’s hopeless. I must look like a drowned rat and trying to recover is only calling more attention to it.

  It only takes a glance from him to warm my soul and I feel a pull to be near him. So much has happened these past weeks that I can’t even begin to untangle the knots around my heart and figure out who or what each rope is comprised of. I think the tightest rope is wrapped for Court, the need to rescue her without that possibility is its own form of torture. A few tangled ropes belong to Elliot and the dreams we shared along with our loss. I can’t deny that Matt is there too, once I thought his connection to my heart was buried deep but all this time it has been there, mixing with the others and tangling around my heart leaving little room for happiness and lots of scar tissue.

  “Well, if you ladies don’t mind I am going to run out and get my bags,” he says as he heads for the door.

  “Of course,” Courtney says glancing at me with a mischievous grin. I try to jump up from my vulnerable position on the couch before she can add what I already know is coming but I cannot out run her and I am so grateful the screen door slams as she whispers, “I don’t mind but I can see Cait does.”

  “Stop it Court, I am not above hitting a dying woman. There is a first time for everything.” She giggles as she mocks how I was attempting to fix my appearance.

  “Come on, if ever the two of you were going to hook up at least do me the honor of making it happen before I die so I can hear how the two of you will live happily ever after,” she says trailing off in her best fairytale voice.

  “You know most girls would be totally grossed out at the thought of their best friend ending up with their brother. Sorry to disappoint you but it is never going to happen.” Well at least that is what I have been telling myself for years. Matt is not going to happen for me. I only hope that eventually my heart will get the memo. What are we shared was long ago and as an adult I know that it was for the best but I can’t help but to recognize how my heart rate has picked up just from being around him again.

  Chapter 5

  Matt

  I am so grateful I have left my bags in the car. When I pulled up outside Court’s house I had seen a car in the driveway and knew right away it was hers. I knew coming back here was going to be hard but I had no idea that seeing her again would bring back all the feelings I have been trying so hard to suppress. Seeing her sitting there in that tight black skirt and silk blouse with mascara running down her face shot pain straight through to my heart. Watching Court die is going to be extremely painful only to be made worse watching Cait loose her best friend.

  I open the door to my truck and grab my bags, glancing across the street at Cait’s old house. Court has lived in this house since moving in with the Argyles when she was a child. I am grateful that the Argyles gave it to her as a gift when they left to serve with their church. Court has told me that they are not coming home to watch her die because she has insisted their time was better spent on the people who can be helped by them.

  I look up to the window where I used to see her at night watching as I said goodnight to whatever girl I had brought home. Walking away from her had been the hardest thing I had ever done and I question myself all the time whether I had made the right decision. Seeing her today, comforting my sister gives me some relief knowing that I could have screwed that up if I had just acted impulsively and selfishly.

  Feeling so torn right now I step back and look aimlessly down the street while I try to resolve the inner conflict I am having. I don’t want to be here to watch my sister die. I know that I will never be the same without her and I am pissed that fate has stepped in, taking the only family member I have left. At the same time my heart feels at home and implores me to hurry back into the house so I can be near Cait. I need to get it together so I can do what I came here to do.

  What exactly I am doing here I don’t know. Court had called me to tell me her doctors suggested Hospice when the last scan had revealed the tumors had not shrunk but in fact had spread. I admire her bravery, I am not sure I would have been able to ask a timeframe for my own death. Court has always been strong and I used to hope that she would move past losing our parents so that she could find a husband of her own and start a family, she would make such a great mother. She and I have always been close, filling in for each other the empty spaces left after our parents had died. I can’t believe she is not going to be here this year for Christmas for our annual phone call where we talk about mom and dad and what it might be like if they were still here.

  Adjusting my bag higher on my shoulder I swallow the lump rising in my throat and start heading back into the house. I need to get Cait alone for a little while so I can ask her the questions I can’t bring myself to ask Court. I know Cait is separated from Elliot but I also know that he is all she knows and she will probably run back to him when she loses my sister. I can’t blame her; I wish I still had someone to run to myself. Keeping my distance from her during my time here is going to be a challenge. Even with make-up running down her face I wanted to grab her and feel her close to me. I am dying to see if the charge that ran through my body with our last kiss was just a one time thing or if she truly would be the only girl that could have that over powering effect on me.

  When I reach the door of the house I can hear the girls talking and I try to be quiet so I don’t interrupt them. I can hear the playfulness in my sister’s voice and I would do anything to have her continue that conversation forever. I stand in the front room making my way to where the voices are coming from and I see Cait before me, tall and beautiful as the light from the kitchen bounces off her body. I have been so busy paying attention to the way she is standing I haven’t heard a word they have said but I pull myself back into the room just as Cait says, “It is never going to happen.”

  Chapter 6

  Cait

  “What is never going to happen?” Matt asks as he walks into the room where I am now trapped by Court’s frail body. I flash a you better not say it glance at Court.

  “I was just telling Cait I could beat her to the shower.” Court never takes her eyes off of mine as she speaks, “I think she is willing to take me down if that is what it takes.”

  “I will take a quick one and then it is all yours,” I say as Court moves out of my way and allows me to walk past her into the small hallway that leads to the room I will be staying in. As I make my way down the hall I suddenly remember that my bags are still in the front room next to the couch. I turn around to make my way past both of them to retrieve my bags but I see that Matt has already grabbed them and is headed towards the hall.

  “Thanks, guess I am going to need those.”

  “No problem,” he says motioning for me to continue down the hall. We are soon in the room where I am going to be staying and I turn around to thank him but he looks worried and I stop myself before I can get the words out. “How long?” he asks me and I suddenly feel the weight of the world fall on my heart.

  I take a deep breath, “Two weeks.” I can hear him let go of the breath he was holding. He places my bags on the floor next to the bed and pauses before he looks back at me.

  “Nothing can be don
e? We are just supposed to watch her die?” He looks to me as though I have an answer that is different from what he has just summed up. I don’t want to cry again and I try to be strong for him. I look to the floor and shake my head no.

  Matt throws the strap of my bag down and draws in a big breath as he places his hands on his hips and stares up at the ceiling. “Shouldn’t be her,” he says as he continues to stare. I agree but know that it is a statement that does not need my response. “Thanks for being here for her,” he manages to say, “I know these next two weeks are going to be horrible and demeaning for Court and having you here will make it so I don’t have to help with the things that would embarrass her.”

  “Of course Matt, she is best friend, more than that actually. She is the sister I never had and in the last few years she has been the stand in mother I have needed. I will do whatever she needs. How long can you stay?” I am trying to act calm as if his answer will not affect my ability to remain sane until Court passes. I suck in a deep breath and wait for his response, as I will the constriction around my heart to loosen. I wonder if he will notice I am trying to inhale his scent again.

  “Until she is gone. My superiors owe me a few favors and I am planning on cashing them in. I don’t want you to have to make the arrangements alone and I don’t want some strange man lifting my sister or living in her home. Looks like we are in this together.” Matt moves towards the bedroom door and turns around one last time before leaving, “Sorry to hear about Elliot, I always thought that guy was an ass and didn’t deserve you.”

  I am completely caught off guard by this and I can feel the tears well up in my eyes as I sit down on the corner of the bed and sink my head into my hands. I am not going to be able to do this. I am at the bottom of the deepest, darkest hole I have ever been in. I feel the warmth of a hand on my chin as Matt raises my face to meet his eyes.