A Girl Called London

by Clare Lydon

  “You’ll be fine,” he said. “And remember, she’s more scared than you.”

  Tanya nodded and walked towards the front door.

  Chapter Thirty

  Her mum’s face curdled when she opened the door, as if Tanya had just soured her day. “What are you doing here?” she asked, arms folded across her chest. “It’s not even 7.30.”

  “I’ve come to get Delilah, I told you.” Tanya’s voice came out soft, but confident.

  “And I told you she was going to the Dog’s Trust on Friday.”

  “Which is why I’m here now,” Tanya said, putting a foot on her parents’ doorstep. Her mum still hadn’t invited her in. “Can I come in?”

  Her mum bristled, but stepped back: she was choosing her battles.

  Once inside, her dad walked through from the kitchen with a tray of tea: he stopped in his tracks when he saw her, panic flitting across his face. “Tanya!” he said, unsure of his next move, or those of his daughter. “What are you doing here?”

  Tanya sighed: some kind of welcome would be nice rather than getting grilled on her motives for being there. She was their daughter, she shouldn’t need a reason to be there.

  “I’m here for Delilah,” Tanya said. “And it would be nice if someone could ask how I am rather than what the hell I’m doing here.”

  She walked into the lounge and waited for her parents to follow. With the curtains open, the lounge looked brighter than it had on her previous visit, but it still held the fusty air Tanya had become accustomed to throughout her childhood. Even at this early time in the morning, the house was boiling, heat pumping out of the radiators. The grey carpet was new, though: plush underfoot, vacuumed daily.

  Delilah was sitting on the rug in the lounge, playing with a toy bone. Tanya squatted down to pet her, and Delilah licked her hand.

  “Hello girl, how are you?”

  “Did you just drive up this morning?” her dad asked, putting the tray down on the green fabric pouffe that matched the avocado sofa.

  Tanya nodded: she didn’t want to drop Alan in it. “I’ve come for Delilah and I can’t stay long as I’ve got to get back. So can you get her stuff together, please — bed, toys, food.”

  When Tanya looked over at her mum, her lips were pursed and she was almost squinting at Tanya.

  Tanya braced for her mum’s opening salvo, and it duly arrived. “I don’t think it’s good for Delilah to go with you. Now Mum’s gone, she needs love and stability. She doesn’t need the life you lead.”

  Tanya had heard it all before, but her mum’s ignorance still took her breath away.

  “I agree Delilah needs love and support, and it should come from within the family. And seeing as you’re kicking her out, I’m taking her.” Tanya paused, drawing herself up to her full 5ft 9, which was still dwarfed by her mum. “It’s what Gran would have wanted.”

  Her mum made a spluttering sound, glaring at Tanya. “She didn’t know what she wanted. She was an old woman, taken in by your smile. She wasn’t to be trusted by the end.”

  Tanya kept her cool, but it wasn’t easy. She wanted to reach out and slap her mother for speaking ill of the dead.

  “Gran was ill, not stupid,” Tanya replied, her voice see-sawing, despite her intentions. “She knew exactly what she wanted and who she loved, and she loved me. And she would have wanted Delilah with me.”

  Tanya caught her breath, wondering whether she might throw up. Being in this house did odd things to her. But she wasn’t backing down, and she was holding her mum’s gaze.

  “How dare you speak to me like that.” She glanced behind Tanya, looking at her husband. “Aren’t you going to back me up, Graham?”

  Her dad cleared his throat. “I think Tanya should take her,” he said, looking over briefly towards his wife, then down at the floor. “Delilah will be well loved and looked after, and it’s what Celia would have wanted.”

  Tanya was stunned, turning to her dad, mouth ajar. For once in her life, her dad was backing her up. She wanted to hug him, but now wasn’t the time. Her mum wasn’t done, Tanya knew her too well.

  Sure enough, when Tanya turned back, the older woman’s face was clouded over. “I might have known you’d say that. You always take her side, always have. Ever since she was born, she’s been the first woman you think of, not me. But you dreamed of walking her down the aisle and that’s never going to happen, is it?”

  Tanya shot her gaze to her dad, then her mum, then back. This was new, this sparring. Was her mum jealous of her? Is that what this had been about all her life?

  “It might happen, actually,” Tanya heard herself say, stepping back into the crossfire. “I don’t know if you heard, but marriage equality is a thing now.” She paused, glaring at her mum. “They must have written about it in the Daily Mail at some point, saying how disgusting it was. I’m sure you might even have written them a letter pointing that out.”

  Her mum scoffed. “It’s not proper marriage though, is it?” She stared at her husband, but when Tanya swivelled her head towards him, he was looking away, not meeting either woman’s gaze.

  “And I don’t believe a word of it,” her mum continued. “Marriage is something you can only dream of. Yes, they might have told the world that deviance should be celebrated, but do you even have someone to marry?”

  Tanya recoiled, as if her mum had just caught her with a right hook, square on the jaw. The gloves were off, her mum was fighting with bare knuckles.

  Tanya didn’t exactly have someone to marry, no, but it was possible in today’s world. She could meet someone any day — in fact she might have already done so, although even she would concede that might be racing a little too far ahead.

  She and Sophie hadn’t even kissed yet, after all.

  Tanya wanted to tell her mum she was wrong, to shut her mouth.

  But she couldn’t, because her mum was right.

  Tanya didn’t have anyone to marry, and she hadn’t ever come close in her 36 years on the planet. And she’d lain awake more nights than she’d care to admit wondering why that was.

  Her mum saw the weakness and came in for the kill. “For all your high and mighty ways, thinking you’re better than us living in London, when you close the door at night, you’re alone.”

  Left hook.

  “You think you’re so different from me, but you’re not: you’re just like me.”

  Upper cut.

  “You don’t suffer fools gladly and you have high standards that people struggle to live up to — and that’s no bad thing. And you don’t let people in easily, which is good, because people will run all over you. I taught you something, at least.”

  Tanya hit the canvas with her mum’s final triple-salvo.

  Knockout.

  Her mum wrinkled her nose, before glancing down at Delilah. “Take her — she needs a home and you need the company. Because your sort never prosper, they’re never happy. You’ve chosen this life, and it’s a lonely life — just be aware of that.”

  Her mum crossed her arms over her chest again, as if punctuating her diatribe with a full stop.

  Tanya’s head was spinning. She wasn’t sure where to start or what to say to any of that. She just looked from her mum, to her dad, to Delilah, then back. Yes, what her mum had said had cut her. Yes, it was cruel beyond belief. But was it true? Was Tanya just like her mum, pushing people away, standing in judgement?

  “You know what,” she said, picking Delilah up and edging towards the door. “I’m nothing like you. I have friends, I have a life, I let love in. And Delilah is going to have a great life with me. So you can spout your hate-speak all you like, but it’s not going to work.”

  She took hold of the door handle, her spirit drained. It was going to take all her efforts to summon the strength to get out of this house and the negative force field around it, but she was determined.

  “You could have had it all, Mum,” Tanya added. “But you chose to have nothing.”

  With that, Tanya sn
atched open the door to the lounge and almost fell into the hallway, gasping for air. Delilah began to bark in her arms, but Tanya just headed for the front door — the sooner she got out of there, the better.

  “Tanya!” her dad said. “Let me get her bed and everything.”

  Tanya turned back to him, her face bricked with sorrow. “I’ll buy new ones, Dad. I have to get going.” And with that, she scrabbled for the front door latch, yanking it open and stepping out into the new day that was still only a few hours old.

  She bent over, swallowing down deep gulps of fresh air. Delilah was wriggling in her arms, but all Tanya could hear were her mum’s words echoing round her head. “Just like me”, “don’t suffer fools”, “high standards”, “unlovable”.

  She was nothing like her mum, nothing. She’d made sure of that, building a life of her own far away from this street, this town.

  Tanya was her own woman, and nothing like the bitter person on the other side of the door.

  Wasn’t she?

  Chapter Thirty-One

  The drive home was tense, particularly because the rain had been lashing down for most of it. Tanya had sworn all the way down the M6 as she’d careered through the side-spray of lorry after lorry.

  Sophie had sat wincing in the backseat with Delilah, who was thankfully behaving brilliantly.

  Prepared after a couple of weeks of dog walking, she’d brought along a water bowl and treats for Delilah for the journey. When she’d produced them, Tanya had given her a weak smile and a muttered thanks, but nothing more.

  In fact, ever since she’d come back from her parents’ house, Tanya had been a shadow of herself, even with Alan. When she’d uttered words, they’d been staccato, like a machine gun. When she’d moved, she’d done so in slow motion, as if under water. The only thing that had sparked her to life were the lorries.

  They’d stopped at a service station so Delilah could wee on some manicured grass, and Sophie could smoke two cigarettes. On the drive there, Sophie had been happily chatting the whole way, so her lack of cigarettes hadn’t bothered her. On the drive back, she could have mainlined the entire packet. Nobody bought food, because nobody had an appetite.

  The M6 had slipped by and Tanya’s head was still set firmly forward, no glances in the rear-view mirror coming Sophie’s way. And now they were just an hour or so from home, it was as if yesterday and last night had never happened. As if this whole trip were a mirage.

  But Sophie knew it wasn’t.

  When she’d woken up at three o’clock this morning, she and Tanya had still been holding hands: she smiled at the memory. She could get used to holding Tanya’s hand, but who knew when it would happen again? Now wasn’t the time to ask.

  Chapter Thirty-Two

  They got home just before midday, the drive back proving far smoother for traffic, if not for conversation. Tanya parked the rental car and got out, grabbing her bag from the front seat. They didn’t have a lead for Delilah, so Sophie scooped her up in her arms and carried her to their building.

  Tanya said nothing, her mind clearly elsewhere.

  They got in the lift and smiled at each other, Tanya stabbing her floor’s button and leaning back on the mirrored wall.

  “So, are you going to work this afternoon?” Sophie asked.

  Tanya shook her head. “I’ll do some work from home, get Delilah settled.” She paused. “I think I’m going to have to do that quite a lot until I get a routine down.” She closed her eyes. “This isn’t going to be easy to work out, is it?”

  Sophie gave her a warm, encouraging smile. “I can help, like I said.” And she wanted to. She wanted to make this as easy as possible for Tanya, because she saw how much it mattered. Whatever had happened this morning, getting Delilah settled and happy would go some way to making Tanya feel better, she was sure of it.

  Tanya hesitated, but Sophie reached over and touched her arm. “And before you refuse, let me help you. I’d like to,” she said, giving her arm a little squeeze.

  As soon as Sophie touched her, Tanya’s breath stilled. Sophie understood, because hers did, too. It felt daring to touch her, to hold her. And despite the fact this was hardly the romantic clinch of the century, she hoped that might come later. One thing was for sure: Sophie didn’t want to let go.

  Last night and what they’d shared was still very much in her mind; and standing in this lift together, on the brink of something she couldn’t quite put a name to, felt like fate. Like this was what was meant to happen all along. Like this lift was meant to be a catalyst to their future: it was where they’d first had a close encounter, and here they were again.

  Sophie knew what had nearly happened last night, and she wanted to explore it further. To that end, she decided to be bold; to go beyond the usual. She didn’t want there to be any doubt about her intentions, her desires.

  Stealing herself, her chest rising and falling just that little bit faster, she reached out with her hand and brushed Tanya’s face with the tips of her fingers. “Whatever happened this morning, it’s going to be okay. You’re going to make a go of this,” Sophie said in a low voice, leaning in.

  “I hope so,” Tanya replied, her caramel skin smooth, her scent enticing. And yes, she might have been distant in the car journey home, but when Tanya locked eyes with her again, Sophie held her gaze, leaning in a little further.

  “It will — you can do this and I can help you.” Sophie licked her lips, watching Tanya watching her.

  She was close enough now she could feel Tanya’s breath on her, smell her coconut lip balm.

  Her lips glistened in front of Sophie like a shiny prize.

  “You’ve been so much help already,” Tanya said, not taking her eyes from Sophie’s lips, her focus fixed, her voice hoarse. “I don’t know what I would have done without you there. It was such a help, you’ll never know.”

  Sophie’s heart was thumping in her chest, beating so wildly she could only take tiny sips of breath. She reached up with her hand one more time, slipping it into Tanya’s silky hair, guiding her lips towards her.

  “I just did what anyone who cared would have done,” she replied, never taking her eyes from Tanya’s mouth.

  No more words were needed as Sophie took a final step into her space, before pressing her lips to Tanya’s, desire exploding in her like a grenade. They’d nearly kissed the previous evening, but they’d been halted by Alan and circumstance. But now, they were fusing together as one, with desire lighting up her body in blinding white. She wanted this more than she knew — her lips didn’t lie, and neither did her body.

  Tanya’s lips on hers were soft and insistent; if Tanya had trouble opening up with words, her lips were telling Sophie everything she needed to know. This kiss was connecting to a place deep inside Sophie, one she hadn’t visited for some time.

  As she sank into it, her fingers gripping Tanya’s hair, she was grinning inside, knowing how right this felt. Knowing this could be the start of something. Knowing that if this was how their first kiss went, she couldn’t wait for more.

  Sophie’s fingers were back on Tanya’s face now, drawing her closer. She slipped her tongue into Tanya’s mouth and groaned as she felt her warmth, her heart pulsing anew. Her fingertips skated inside Tanya’s jacket, her breath catching as their breasts touched.

  And then the ping of the lift crashed their party.

  “Floor 30,” the announcer said, and Sophie opened her eyes around the same time as Tanya. She pulled back and they both stood staring at each other, breathless, eyes wide. Sophie’s brain scrambled for something to say, but she came up with nothing.

  Instead, she looked down and saw that Delilah had walked out of the lift and into the hallway. Tanya followed her eyeline and was the first to react, running out of the lift.

  “Delilah!” she shouted, as the dog waddled down the hall, her brown and black bottom swaying. “Here, girl!” Tanya said, bending down and scooping her up. “First thing today is shopping for a dog lead.” She
smiled at Sophie, the tension between still palpable, but now it had another layer altogether.

  “Shall I come in with you?” Sophie asked. Her skin was flushed and she was out of breath as the lift doors closed behind her. She didn’t put her hand on the button to hold it. She had no idea where she was or what day it was.

  All she could see and hear was Tanya, but she had a feeling she was about to be thrust rudely back into reality.

  As if on cue, Tanya shook her head. “I know you’ve got clients this afternoon, so you better get on,” she said, avoiding Sophie’s gaze. “Plus, I need to get her a lead and get settled in.” She looked down at the carpet, and then back up to Sophie. Her face was flushed pink, a different shade to when they’d got in the lift.

  “But thank you so much for coming with me.” She took a deep breath, as Delilah turned to look at Sophie, too. “I’m beyond grateful.”

  “No problem,” Sophie said, swallowing down all the questions that were bubbling up to the surface.

  What just happened? What happens next? What did that kiss mean to her? But Tanya wasn’t ready to deal with any of those; she was too distracted by Delilah.

  Instead, she put a hand on Tanya’s arm again — and when she did, Tanya stopped.

  They shared a look, her body still pounding with desire, and for a second, neither of them spoke.

  Eventually, Sophie cleared her throat. “And I meant what I said — I can dog walk, dog sit, whatever you need, you know where I am.” She paused. “I know you’ve got a lot on your plate, but I’m here for Delilah and for you, okay?”

  Tanya bit her lip at that, then nodded her head. “Sure, thanks,” she said, flicking her head left. “You better get the lift before someone else calls it.”

  Sophie nodded and hit the button. “See you soon,” she said, before patting Delilah’s head. “See you soon, too, Delilah!”

  The lift door sprang open and she hesitated, before walking into it.

  Tanya raised a hand towards Sophie and her gaze burnt a hole in Sophie’s heart.