by Lynn Cahoon
“You’re letting me stay here?”
Her father shook his head as though wondering what it took to get through to her. “Of course, Liz, this is your home. Although if he had a bone in his cowardly body, James would man up and figure out a way to help take care of you and JR.” He tipped his chin at the cookie jar. “You got any of those cookies left?”
Lizzie got up, plated her father the last three cookies, and put the teakettle on to boil again. “Doesn’t Martha bake?”
“Well, she does, but don’t mention this when you see her, because she has me on some low sugar diet crap. Says she wants me alive for the wedding.”
Lizzie grinned. Her father needed a strong hand. Martha sounded like the woman for him. “I won’t mention it. I’m happy for you.”
“I hate leaving you and JR here alone. I thought after I talked to Jesse on Saturday maybe his brother would be over here, trying to make up for lost time.”
“Yeah, about that. When did you and Jesse get so close? According to him, he’s known about JR for years.” She stared her father down.
He had the grace to squirm. “Your mother said it wasn’t anyone’s business but yours and James’s and I agreed. Until Jesse heard JR cry one night when we were talking. I couldn’t help that. He used to call every Sunday, to check in. Those boys needed family, even back then.” Bob polished off another cookie.
“I didn’t realize the two of you had bonded.” Lizzie poured hot water over another teabag. The scent of cinnamon filled the kitchen.
“I could talk to him after your mom died. Jesse’s a good listener, that’s why he can ride those bulls the way he does. James was always too hotheaded to handle ’em well. If Jesse didn’t love the circuit so much I might think you fell for the wrong Sullivan boy.” Bob glanced up from the cookie plate. “Your mom was wrong to convince you not to tell James,” he said quietly. “He had a right to know. You had a right to tell him, expect him to be with you, or at least help you out.”
“She said he would just leave again.” Lizzie sank into the chair. “That JR would be better off not knowing his dad.”
Her father’s face twisted in loving exasperation. “Honey, I loved your mother to death, but sometimes she made me mad. She had no right to force that decision on you.” He looked away. “Sometimes I think she did it because she was afraid of losing you. You always wanted to travel, just like those boys. That’s why she talked me out of giving you James’s number when I got it from Jesse that night.”
Lizzie squeezed her eyes shut on a sense of betrayal. Couldn’t change what had happened, could only learn from it and move on. “Whatever she did, I let her. I was scared James wouldn’t want JR or me and that would have been worse than not having him at all.” Lizzie hadn’t admitted the fear to anyone before, even her mother.
“But he does care. He might have trouble figuring out how to do it right, but I saw him with you this weekend. He cares.” Bob finished off the last of the cookies. “I’m going to pack a few things to take over to Martha’s. Will you be okay here alone? I’m only ten minutes away if you need me.”
Lizzie’s smile was rueful. “We’ll be fine. We’ll miss you, but it’s not like you’re falling off the face of the earth.”
“That’s my girl. Always seeing the bright side.” Bob Hudson stood and hitched up his jeans in a practiced move. “None of my pants fit now. I’m going to have to carve more holes in this belt.”
“You know where the cookies are kept.” Lizzie hugged her dad. “Congratulations. I’ll come over this week and meet your bride so we can start talking wedding plans. When are you going to make her an honest woman?”
“We’re talking about doing a red eye to Vegas. Maybe you could come?”
“Sounds fun, but I don’t think Vegas is ready for JR.”
“There’s plenty of people here in town who would watch the boy for a weekend. You need to loosen the apron strings, Elizabeth. He’s going to grow up whether you want him to or not.”
“I’ll think about it. Now get out of here. If I’m going to pull off reopening without you, I need to get some planning done.”
“Thanks for taking on the reopening. I know it’s a lot of work. One good year and you’ll be in the black better than your mother and I ever were.”
“It’s your home, too, if you ever need to come back.” Lizzie laid her head on her father’s shoulders. The world had definitely shifted in the last forty-eight hours. Good or bad, the important thing now was to get back on her feet. Her feelings about James being back in the picture as JR’s father and, in time, maybe more … . Well, that would have to wait. She’d lost her dad tonight and gained a new stepmom. Somehow that seemed appropriate since James had gained a son and gotten back a mother he’d given up for dead years ago.
She looked at the moon and said a silent prayer for both her father’s and James’s well-being.
• • •
It was as well someone prayed for him, given James’s current state of uncertainty.
Nursing the same shot of tequila he’d ordered when he went in, James sat in the post-rodeo-weekend quiet of a Shawnee bar, brooding. Images floated in and out of his head: Lizzie, JR, Jesse, and the prodigal mother who wanted to be called Angie. He chuckled to himself, thinking how JR already called her Gramma Angie. That single word had seemed to set her back. Good.
The bartender came by and tapped the counter in front of James. “How about some coffee?”
James pushed the shot away. “Yeah, thanks. Coffee would be good.”
Drinking wouldn’t cure what ailed him anyway. With everything that had happened, he felt like he’d aged twenty years in two days. Strange when all he’d ever wanted in his life was family. Now he had more than he’d ever imagined dropped on him out of the blue and … .
He wasn’t sure it was what he wanted after all. Oh, not JR. JR was the coolest thing no matter what, but the rest of them … . He didn’t know. That was why he’d finally left the family reunion and turned his phone off after calling his lawyer. Had to start arrangements for JR. As to the rest … hell, Lizzie had taken care of JR and his emergencies by herself since she was pregnant with him. One more night of him being out of contact wouldn’t make any difference. James needed time to figure out what he was supposed to do now.
What the heck he wanted.
Once upon a time he’d wanted to follow Lizzie to school, maybe go into public relations or become a talent agent. When he’d chosen Jesse’s path, become Jesse’s manager, agent, and babysitter he’d done both without taking one college course. Trouble was, he hated being Jesse’s sidekick. His secretary. Hated sucking up to sponsors. Hated taking care of the problems managing Jesse seemed to cause.
Hated the realization that he’d spent his whole life following and cleaning up after someone else instead of just once choosing a path of his own.
What do you want, James? Really?
The answer was both easy and hard. He’d wanted Lizzie since the first time they kissed in junior high. JR was a bonus. He was funny, smart and, James realized with a start, he loved him. How did you fall in love with a kid you’d just met?
He glanced at the clock. Ten-thirty. JR would be in bed, but maybe Lizzie would still be up. He needed to see where she wanted this thing to go. Figure out if they could shred the past in order to make some kind of present work.
He threw down a twenty and headed out, hoping it wasn’t too late.
• • •
Sitting on the couch, Lizzie saw James pull up — then sit outside for fifteen minutes with the engine off. What was he doing?
Maybe she should go see.
No. Whatever it was, James needed to make this decision himself. If he was leaving again, she could wait to hurt. If he was staying … .
That might be even harder.
She listened to the crickets through the screen door. She’d sat in the dark, thinking, since her father left. With a few telling conversations, everything had changed. She was glad
for her father, happy his distraction was love and not illness or alcohol, but it meant revising a few of her own tentative plans, too. With her dad gone, she’d have no in-house handyman to see to the everyday fixes the cabins required; she’d have to figure that out. Figure out, too, how to cope without a built-in emotional safety net to keep her and JR out of harm’s way.
James sitting outside in apparent indecision didn’t make her feel better about where the future might take them. He could be making up a visitation schedule and a child support payment plan. No matter what he said to the contrary, how things had felt between them this morning before the rodeo, he didn’t have a commitment to her, only JR. He’d kissed her, loved her before, and still left.
She sighed and stood. Might as well face the dragon or he would sit out there all night. She’d taken three steps before she realized he was standing at the screen.
“You should lock up when it gets dark.” His voice drifted, warm and mellow, through the darkness.
“The screen is latched.” She flipped the hook open.
“That wouldn’t keep an angry raccoon out of the house.” James stepped inside. “You need a deadbolt.”
“On a screen door, James?”
She said it to say something, to ground herself, when he closed the distance between them and the heat from his nearness enveloped her, causing her senses to scatter. She didn’t move aside.
“Liz.” James leaned toward her. His lips dragged across her face, softly searching for her mouth. When he found it, his kiss intensified, became more demanding, harder. He pulled her close and she melted into his kiss, wanting more. She wrapped her arms around his neck and pulled him to her.
In an instant, the inside door banged shut and James maneuvered them to the couch. “I’ve missed you.”
Tears formed in her eyes as she read the pain in his. She stroked his face. “I’ve missed you, too.”
Pulling him into another kiss, she surrendered herself to the only man she’d ever loved. James was her soul mate whether or not she was his. Right now, she didn’t care. She ached for him. If they did this fast, she wouldn’t have to think.
Not until after this turned into goodbye.
Ripping his shirt open, she pushed him up to slide it off, one arm at a time. When she grabbed the waistband of his jeans he stopped her.
“Where’s your dad?”
He wanted this as much as she did; the husk in his voice gave him away. Running her hands up his arms, she answered, “At his girlfriend’s.”
“He’s gone?” The look James gave her put them both back in high school with a difference.
They were adults.
“He packed some clothes tonight and told me to start planning a wedding.” Lizzie sat back. “You’re not the only one getting a new mother.”
It was the wrong thing to say; she could see that even in the dark. James’s face fell. He stretched out beside her. “You always knew how to cool a mood.”
“Sorry. It was out before I could stop it.” She bent toward him. “You wrapping your head around it?”
“Which it are you talking about? That I have a five-year-old son that everyone knew about but me? Or that my prodigal mother has reappeared and is buying a house with my brother?”
“Either one.” Lizzie drew circle-eights on the leg of his jeans. “Both. Before we start anything I might regret, I need to know why you came here tonight.”
“Yeah.” James blew out the breath it felt like he’d been holding forever. “About that.”
With a sense of dread, Lizzie curled her feet under her in a lotus position and faced James. Waiting.
“I want you. I want you and JR and me to be a family. But I’ve got things to deal with first, contracts to finish up, and then there’s Jesse.”
Lizzie looked at him. Same tune, same chorus. “You can’t leave Jesse,” she said flatly.
“No, it’s not that.” Frustrated, James swung his feet to the floor and leaned over his knees. “I can leave Jesse and I will. Managers like me are a dime a dozen. He probably can get someone who’s a better than I am at a fraction of the cost. But there are deals in the works someone else can’t finish for me and I can’t drop.”
“So what do you want from me, James? What kind of investment do you want from JR?” Lizzie knew her voice was getting louder, but didn’t care. She didn’t like the way this conversation was going. If things went the way they so often seemed to with James’s plans, JR would graduate high school before James had time to spend with him. “Nobody’s getting younger here, James, especially not JR. He grows in front of my eyes and I can’t see it until he needs new shoes. You’ve missed five years on misunderstandings and mistakes. What do you want now?”
“You’re not being fair — ”
“I don’t have to be fair, James. I’m a mother. Fair is for someone who doesn’t have to think about her child.”
Shocked, James stared at her. “So you want me to quit my job to stay here and do what?” James shot back. “Be your live-in handyman? You’ve had five years to get used to being a parent.”
“You think you get used to being a parent, James? You don’t. Do you know how scared and alone I felt when I took that pregnancy test? Or when they did the first ultrasound and couldn’t find JR’s heartbeat? Or the time he got so sick and dehydrated they had to air flight him to Boise to a real hospital?” Her jaw worked. “Time doesn’t prepare you for any of it, James. It’s learn as you go all the way.”
“I didn’t mean it that way. I know you’ve been here. But, Liz, I didn’t have the chance to be here. To help.”
As if on cue, JR called from the bottom of the stairs. “Why are you fighting?”
“Honey, what are you doing up?” Lizzie turned quickly toward her son.
“I heard you fighting. Why are you fighting?”
Hearing the tears in his voice, Lizzie reached him first and pulled him into her arms. “We’re not fighting.” She wiped his face with her tee shirt. “We’re talking.”
“You sounded mad. Like when I broke the lamp.” JR yawned, his hand flying up to cover his mouth.
“Your mom wasn’t mad. Well, maybe a little at me. But adults talk loud sometimes. I’m sorry we woke you.” James knelt beside Lizzie and JR.
JR seemed to consider what James said and then piped up with a new subject. “Gramma Angie’s coming for breakfast tomorrow. Do you want to stay?”
“I don’t think I’m invited.” James’s voice was cold.
“I invited you silly.” JR put his hand on James’s arm. “Please.”
“I’ve got to finish up some stuff in the morning. You have fun. We’ll talk more later.”
James knew he sounded curt, but he couldn’t reconcile Angie with the life he wanted with JR. Fortunately the little boy didn’t seem to notice. His mother did.
“Right now, you have to get back to bed or you won’t be awake in time for breakfast.” Lizzie pulled JR up into her arms. To James, “I’ll be right back.”
James nodded. “I’ll wait.”
“Good night, Daddy.” JR waved at James.
Daddy. Lizzie’s breath caught in her throat. JR was in deep already. James leaving again so soon would break his heart and she might never be able to fix it.
• • •
The condom in James’s pocket crackled when he sat down to wait for Lizzie. He blinked. He’d found Jesse’s stash in the truck’s glove box and grabbed one, hoping. Now he wasn’t so sure. Kissing Lizzie had surprised him. The power of one kiss after years apart. He couldn’t believe the emotion it brought back. Him, Lizzie, and the white picket fence. He’d carried that dream from the first. Now the issues between them seemed insurmountable and he didn’t have the answers he needed to get what he wanted, give Lizzie what she and JR needed: a home. With him.
He heard her footsteps on the stairs. Make up your mind, James, he urged himself. Which version of family could he best honor without going mad? The one where he scurried around after his
little brother for the rest of his life? Or the one where he made a life here, with Lizzie and his son? And why couldn’t he figure out how to balance both.
He went to meet her. “He asleep?”
“Out for the count. He’s always been a great sleeper.” She tried to step around him.
James put his arms around her waist and stepped up to meet her. His hands slipped under the faded cotton tee and found the softness of her back.
Lizzie pushed away from him. “No, James. I can’t. Not like this, with everything unsettled.”
“Lizzie,” James whispered.
Something inside her melted. Her fingers itched, the parts of her that had always ever belonged to him alone burned.
“I need you,” James said.
She shut her eyes and felt damned. “I was headed to bed.”
“All the better.” James swung her into his arms. He kissed her soft and slow. “Ready for this?” He waited for her answer before taking the next step up the stairs.
“This doesn’t mean anything.” Lizzie leaned into him, placing her hand on his chest, drinking in his smell. Sweat, salt, and a hint of Stetson. Memories clawed to the surface, overwhelming. “It’s just sex.”
“It’s not.” He stopped and waited for her to look at him. “It’s never just sex with us, Liz, we make love. Remember?”
Too well. She’d pushed him away the first time he’d asked because of the terms he’d used. She wanted love and romance; he’d wanted release. But even then physical intimacy had meant more to him than he could admit. He could barely admit what it meant to him now, but he’d be damned if he’d let her call what happened between them just sex.
Slowly, she’d lifted her head and searched his eyes. An electric current ran through him. Already he couldn’t tell where his body ended and hers began.
“I remember,” she whispered — regretfully James thought. Then she leaned back into his chest, her hand softly rubbing his neck, and he thought maybe he’d imagined it.
