The Love Playbook: Rules for Love, Sex, and Happiness
Page 1
RULES FOR LOVE,
SEX, AND HAPPINESS
LA LA ANTHONY
WITH KAREN HUNTER
A CELEBRA BOOK
Celebra
Published by the Penguin Group
Penguin Group (USA) LLC, 375 Hudson Street,
New York, New York 10014
USA | Canada | UK | Ireland | Australia | New Zealand | India | South Africa | China
penguin.com
A Penguin Random House Company
First published by Celebra,
a division of Penguin Group (USA) LLC
First Printing, February 2014
Copyright © La La Land, Inc., 2014
Penguin supports copyright. Copyright fuels creativity, encourages diverse voices, promotes free speech, and creates a vibrant culture. Thank you for buying an authorized edition of this book and for complying with copyright laws by not reproducing, scanning, or distributing any part of it in any form without permission. You are supporting writers and allowing Penguin to continue to publish books for every reader.
CELEBRA and logo are trademarks of Penguin Group (USA) LLC.
LIBRARY OF CONGRESS CATALOGING-IN-PUBLICATION DATA:
Anthony, La La.
The love playbook: rules for love, sex, and happiness/La La Anthony, with Karen Hunter.
p. cm.
ISBN 978-0-698-13683-0
1. Man-woman relationships. 2. Sex. 3. Happiness.
4. Anthony, La La. I. Hunter, Karen. II. Title.
HQ801.A64 2014
306.7—dc23 2013037847
PUBLISHER’S NOTE
While the author has made every effort to provide accurate telephone numbers and Internet addresses at the time of publication, neither the publisher nor the author assumes any responsibility for errors, or for changes that occur after publication. Further, publisher does not have any control over and does not assume any responsibility for author or third-party Web sites or their content.
Version_1
To my grandmother, Celina Surillo (Mami Nina). I hold you in my heart every day.
CONTENTS
Title page
Copyright page
Dedication
OPENING TIP
I’m Not a Relationship Expert, but . . .
TIMEOUT}
Why This Playbook
Chapter One
The Daddy Give-and-Go
Chapter Two
The Assist: Lessons from Mom and Mami Nina
TIMEOUT
“How Do You Make That First Date Less Awkward?
Chapter Three
Personal Foul: Young and Dumb!
Chapter Four
The Playbook: Have a Game Plan
TIMEOUT
“How Can I Change a Player?”
Chapter Five
One-on-One: Friendship First!
TIMEOUT
And Baby Makes Three . . . but
What About the Two?
Chapter Six
The Scrimmage: Pros and Cons of Shacking Up
Chapter Seven
Game Time: The Marriage vs. the Wedding
Chapter Eight
Salary Cap: His, Yours, and Ours
HALFTIME
How Do I Snag a Baller?
Chapter Nine
Training Camp: The 60 Day Challenge
Chapter Ten
My Starting Lineup: Keep Your Friends Close . . .
TIMEOUT
Does He Like Me?
Chapter Eleven
The Rules
Chapter Twelve
The Fake: It May Work in Hoops—Not So
Much in Relationships
Chapter Thirteen
The Uniform
TIMEOUT
Should You Give Him a Freebie?
Chapter Fourteen
Ejection: “He Cheated. Now What?”
Chapter Fifteen
Looking for a Trade: The Grass Is Not Necessarily Greener
TIMEOUT
Opposites Attract, and Complete
OVERTIME
Baby Mama Drama
DOUBLE OVERTIME
A Message for Kiyan
FINAL BUZZER
It All Comes Back to You
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
OPENING TIP
I’m Not a Relationship Expert, but . . .
“I don’t like to play games.” I hear a lot of people say this as it relates to their relationships. And what I say to that is if you’re aren’t playing, you’re probably being played.
I’ve learned over the years that love and life are one big game. If you want to win, first you have to play (you gotta be in it to win it, as they say, right?). Once you’re in the game, then you need to know the rules. The first rule of love is that the ball is in the woman’s court.
Most women don’t know this and that’s why they don’t play very well. Imagine giving away your biggest advantage by tossing the ball to him first!
Women control the game. We are the trophy; we have what men want.
I was talking with a couple of male friends one evening recently—regular guys, not athletes or rappers or actors—and they were saying how they hate going to clubs to meet women. Why? Because if they see a woman they may like and want to buy her a drink, they usually have to make the first move. Or if they want to dance with a woman they see across the room, they have to walk across the room and ask her to dance. They talked about the anxiety of that walk. They talked about their fear of rejection. All the things they worried about were things that the woman on the other side of the room doesn’t even have to consider.
She holds the power. If she says no, he has to handle that and figure out what his next move is going to be. These guys are good-looking, have great jobs, and are confident and secure in themselves, so it was surprising to hear how scared they were to approach a woman.
The first rule of love is that the ball is in the woman’s court.
It made me remember, too, that I experienced this myself when I was in high school. I was popular, I was cool, and I was dateless. I hung with all the guys (many of whom I’m still friends with), but none of them asked me to the prom or even on a date. They thought that either I was taken or there was no way they had a chance—not because I was some supermodel knockout but because I was so confident-seeming and cool that I probably would say no. I never got the chance to say no. So I eventually learned that it was okay to make the first move (more on this later).
There are a lot of good men out there looking for a relationship—not just a hookup. For those guys looking just for a hookup, it’s a numbers game: Ask as many women as possible or date as many women as possible and if you get one, great. That’s probably not what you’re looking for, and you can see this dude a mile away. He’s the one with the smooth lines, and he seems to have it all figured out and knows exactly what you like.
But a man who is serious, who wants to settle down, who is looking for that woman—he’s not thinking that way. If you’re a woman looking for a guy like that, then know that you totally have the upper hand. Once you know that you control the game, the next thing you must know is what the rules are.
Here’s another often unknown fact: Women usually make the rules. We determine a lot of how our relationships will play out by the decisions we make or don’t make early on. We dete
rmine how a man will treat us. We determine how far things will go and how they will go. Depending on what kind of outcome you want, you can set your rules accordingly.
Being married to an NCAA basketball champion and two-time Olympic gold medalist who is one of the best players in the NBA, I get to see what it takes to win a game, a series, and a championship. There’s a lot of preparation, conditioning, and training—and that’s before the season even starts. During the season they still have to work out and practice. They watch tapes of other teams to study weaknesses and figure out how to exploit them. It’s not enough that their team is good; they have to find ways to beat that other team, which is also very good. Even with the best conditioning, training, coaching, and facilities, they still need teamwork and a bit of luck to win.
There are a lot of similarities between the game of basketball (and most games) and the game of love. In both basketball and love, if you want to win, you have to work hard and you need teamwork. But in basketball, there can be only one winner. In love, if you play the game right, you both win.
Too many women, however, play to lose.
How do we lose?
1. We don’t view other women as members of our team. As women, we spend too much time competing with one another, being catty, talking trash about one another, and being disloyal to one another. That gives men a tremendous advantage. Divide and conquer. Men today can pretty much get away with whatever they want to in a relationship because women are so busy tearing one another down they lose sight of the game itself. Not only do we betray one another far too often, but we also betray ourselves by allowing men to get away with certain things.
2. We don’t set the standard for how we expect to be treated. We leave it up to the men to figure out. I believe I heard someone say on Oprah (maybe it was Dr. Phil) that you teach people how to treat you. The reason why so many women are in an unhappy relationship, or no relationship at all, is that they haven’t set a standard for how they expect to be treated—mostly because they haven’t yet figured out how they want to be treated or how they deserve to be treated. You have to know yourself (and if you don’t, work on finding out who you are) and know what you want in your relationship.
I’m not saying you should have this ridiculous laundry list of dos and don’ts and deal breakers, etc., but you should establish that you’re worthy of respect and that you expect to be treated with respect. It’s been my experience that men respect women who respect themselves.
3. We make the game far too easy. We fall in love and we just give it all away at once. Men are competitive. Men are hunters. They love a challenge. Why do we take away the hunt by serving the meat on a pretty plate, all seasoned and cooked and even cut into neat little pieces for them? Most women today give it all away and leave nothing for a man to work for or look forward to.
These are just some of things I’ve learned over the years.
But let me be clear: I am not a relationship expert.
I know people look at my life and they think I have it all together and all figured out and that I have everything a woman could want. I have a husband, a beautiful son, money, a career, but . . . my life is not perfect. I don’t have all the answers. I wish someone would tell me how to keep my shit on track sometimes. But I am that chick that all my friends—and even a few strangers—turn to for advice. It’s been that way since I was young, and it has followed me through adulthood. Even some of my male friends call me from time to time to get my take on what’s going on in their relationships.
I’m told that I give really good advice. It’s easy to look at a situation from the outside and tell someone what you think. But it’s how I give advice that I think people really appreciate. I have been on the other side of the fence, getting advice, and have had people make me feel like crap after I’ve shared something very personal in my life.
When I made a fool of myself with my first real boyfriend, there were a couple of family members who just shook their heads and gave me that “I told you so . . .” look. My dad, however, didn’t ask any questions, didn’t make any foul comments. When I called him to come get me and take me away from the situation, he was there unconditionally. He let me cry, and he made me feel like it would all be okay. I already felt like crap; I didn’t need to hear about how stupid I was on top of it.
I knew I never wanted to make someone feel bad about a choice they’d made or were thinking about making. Even if I thought their situation was crazy and even if they decided not to listen to my advice and did something that ended up blowing up in their face, I would never say “I told you so,” and I definitely wouldn’t make them feel bad, no matter what they decided to do or not do.
We all make mistakes, nobody is perfect, and shit happens.
Once that’s established, let’s try to figure out how to get through it and how to make sure you don’t keep making the same mistakes over and over again.
My mother used to always tell me that it’s better to learn from others’ mistakes than to learn the hard way by making the mistakes on your own. She couldn’t have been more right, and that is why I’m writing this book.
I’m writing the book I wish I had had when I was first dating or when I got my heart broken. I wish someone had written a book telling me how he or she got over someone they never thought they would get over. I wish there had been a book where I could hear from someone my age who had been through some of the things I was going through and am going through, just to feel like I’m not alone or crazy.
This is that book.
I will share my experiences, some stories from my friends, and some of the things I’ve learned from people like my mom, grandmother, father, and stepfather about love and relationships.
Among my close friends, we have this saying: “No judgment.” No matter what we share, no matter what we’ve done, there is no judgment. It is so liberating to have a group of girlfriends that I can share things with, and vice versa. We all truly have one another’s backs. I cannot stress enough how important it is to have good friends. But before you deserve to have good friends, you have to be a good friend.
I try to be a great friend, always.
Not only is there no judgment among me and my friends, but there’s also a lot of understanding, compassion, and love. I depend on my friends to keep me humble and tell me what I need to hear, not necessarily what I want to hear. And I’m that kind of friend to them.
I’m that chick who wants everyone around me to have his or her best possible life. I hate to see people unfulfilled or unhappy. If I can help you in any way, I will. I decided to write this book because I’ve been asked probably a million times what’s the secret to having a successful relationship, how do you make him say “I do,” and how do you snag a baller (yes, I get asked that one the most lately).
I have answers to all of those questions, and some may surprise you. I will also help you figure out what to wear on a first date, when you should sleep with him (if at all), and what you can do if you find out he’s been cheating.
But more than any of those things, I will share with you the wisdom that has helped me figure some things out along the way.
The best piece of advice I’ve gotten from my dad is to live your life inside out. Don’t worry about what people are saying about you or what someone else thinks. You have to live your life doing what pleases and completes you. And only you can make that happen.
I didn’t always take my dad’s advice. For a good portion of my life I really did care too much what people thought. I wanted everyone to like me. And having that kind of mentality can make you do a lot of things you wouldn’t ordinarily do. It took a few heartbreaks and some hurt feelings for me to decide that my best approach to life is to be true to myself, always.
As long as I have my family and my friends and they love me, nothing else can touch me. You’re going to have some wins and some losses, and you’re going to make a whole
bunch of mistakes, but isn’t that what life is all about? Making mistakes, and learning from them?
TIMEOUT
Why This Playbook
Timeout: A halt in the play. This allows the coaches of either team to communicate with the team, e.g., to determine strategy or inspire morale. Timeouts are critical components of the game and can be the difference between winning and losing.
I want to spend the first few chapters of this book introducing you to my life and my story. While I may be on television a lot, hosting reunions and being on talk shows, many of the things I’m going to share are things I have never talked about publicly. To give my life and relationship advice some context, I thought it was important for you to see what I’ve been through in my life—the mistakes I’ve made and the things I’ve overcome.
All of my experiences have given me tools to find success in life and love. I have also seen a lot through the experiences of my friends. Hopefully, some of these lessons that I’m sharing with you can help you find your path as well.
CHAPTER ONE
The Daddy Give-and-Go
Give-and-go: A very basic play where after passing to a teammate, the passer quickly cuts toward the basket and receives the return pass back from his teammate for the layup.
How a woman relates to a man in relationships depends on her relationship with her father. I really do believe this. For me, I had the benefit of being raised by two very different men, from whom I was able to learn a lot not just about men but also about what I wanted for myself.
My parents split up when I was about seven years old. I was so young that I don’t remember my dad being in the house with us often. The primary reason why my parents split was because my father was never home. He never settled down. He was, and still is, what they call a free spirit. This was great for my mom, she told me, when they were dating and when they first got married. It was all fun and games, partying and freedom. But when they had kids, my mother felt that all of that needed to stop. My dad didn’t.