Fake

by D. Breeze

  He walked closer and I tensed. He bent to take Harley from my arms and stood back up.

  “I’m pretty sure you’ve had enough now,” no shit! “So I’ll leave you with this...You keep talking about lies and how everything has been fake, Ruben told me. But if you just took five minutes to think about this from anyone else’s point of view, not just Ruben’s or mine, but complete strangers. If you told them your whole story, from right back when you were just a little girl, to right now, standing in your flat getting a pretty harsh lecture from a man you hadn’t even met until ten minutes ago, what would they say?” I didn’t know and I didn’t care. It was my life, not theirs.

  “You’ve punished him enough, it’s been weeks. He’s a man and men make mistakes, so do women. If you keep on like this, I won’t hide how smug I am when he meets his real soul-mate and they’re happy, have more kids, get married and grow-old together. In fact I’ll be there, fucking cheering them on.” The pain just kept spreading with each word he spoke. My heart was squeezing so tightly, I wasn’t sure I could take much more.

  “But he’s a good man and he deserves that. If you really think that you’re doing the right thing - living on your own, raising a child separately, breaking your own heart and his or giving in to old demons...then I think you’ll find that, the biggest liar in this story is you and you’re lying to yourself.”

  With his parting shot, he gave me an almost guilty smile and shut the door behind him.

  I just broke.

  Wrapping my arms around my stomach, trying to shield my baby from the emotional torment I was feeling, I curled up in a ball and sobbed.

  Chapter Eighteen

  Lydia

  Every single one of Jackson’s words were playing on repeat in my mind, the fact that most of them were true, horrified me to the point that my brain actually hurt. I’d never had anyone talk to me like that. I don’t know why, living where I lived and growing up like I did, I was still sheltered from almost everything. Right up until the point that everything started falling apart, and even after, I’ve always had someone protecting me. My Mum, my brother, Ruben, Jase – they all protected me in some way or another at some point.

  I always knew I should have done more, asked more, been a little less self-involved, but I never thought my actions would lead to this. I thought I was doing the right thing by never questioning anything, letting everyone tell me as much as they wanted.

  Did it make me a horrible person? Or was Jackson right and I was just so, so stupid? Maybe both, maybe neither.

  I didn’t have the answers.

  But I knew who would.

  The one person who I’d pushed away again. I thought back, maybe I’d always pushed him away, even as I was pulling him closer. But I loved him. I loved him more than I’d ever loved anyone or anything and equally as much as the tiny bean in my womb.

  The fact still remained, that he had always been good to me. So, as conflicted as I was, I had to do something about it.

  My body working on auto-pilot, I pulled out my phone and logged online. It only took a few minutes of searching to find what I was looking for.

  It didn’t look like Taylor or Jackson had accounts, but Mason and Harper did. I messaged Harper, she seemed to be the likelier of the two to give me what I wanted without asking too many questions.

  Lydia Romero: Hi, sorry about earlier, I’m sure you’ll understand eventually...but can I ask a favour?

  It took seconds for her to reply.

  Harper-Marie: LOL! You’ll learn pretty quickly that we all need our interventions every now and then. No worries. What do you need?

  Lydia Romero: Do you have Ruben’s address?

  She typed the address and I googled it. Nice area. Not surprising of course, seeing as the family clearly had more money than I would know what to do with.

  It was actually horrific that I had to ask a stranger for the address of the guy I’d been with for two years. But Jackson was right and we were both to blame - because he never told and I never asked.

  It would take about half an hour to get there on foot, but I wasn’t sure I had the energy to walk it and my stomach was doing somersaults. I counted out the change in my purse through blurry eyes. Fourteen pounds and sixty-eight pence. Not much, definitely not enough to get all the way there – but it was a start.

  I searched through my drawers for something acceptable to wear - because I would never leave the building in ratty sweats. I threw on a jacket and looked out the window. Raining. Brilliant, what else wanted to go wrong?

  I grabbed my umbrella and made my way down the stairs. Jackson was right, four dirty needles, also a few suspicious circles of what looked like dried blood. The smell of ammonia was too strong for my, already weak, stomach – I gagged and then held my sleeve over my mouth.

  It’s pretty amazing how much clearer things can become in such a short amount of time. It was no way to live and I could hardly believe I had been so blind. Not just for weeks, but years. I knew, getting in the taxi at the bottom of the stairs, that I was finally making my first step in the right direction.

  I managed to get further than I expected before the money ran out and I had to tell the taxi driver to pull-over. I gave him the amount I had, and stepped out into the rain. The cold swept straight through my jacket, so I hugged myself to fight against it. Strong winds and weak umbrellas do not mix, within seconds the umbrella folded inside out and destroyed any protection I had against the angry weather.

  I almost snorted, perfect.

  It was as if Mother-Nature was trying to teach me a lesson; a well-deserved lesson of course, but still. Jackson had already beaten her to it.

  Thanks Mother-Nature, your timing is, as always, impeccable.

  I took a deep breath when I read the road sign telling me I had reached my destination. The houses didn’t look like they belonged in London. They looked like they belonged in rural England, surrounded by acres of rolling hills and lush green countryside. The walk seemed to take forever, but my breath caught at the end of the driveway for Ruben’s home.

  I didn’t belong there.

  I edged forward, my steps getting slower and shorter as I arrived at the turning circle of the driveway and eventually I just stopped. Fighting the rain in my eyes, I looked around, sure that Harper had given me the wrong address. The house looked like it had come right out of the centre pages of ‘Home and Country´ magazine.

  I couldn’t move my feet, they were stuck somewhere between going forward, and turning around, running straight back in the direction I had come from. My teeth were chattering and my skin was numb, I knew I shouldn’t be just standing there; I had a decision to make.

  My child deserved this. Houses like the beautiful one in front of me, cars like the fancy black one parked outside and the comfortable life that I was certain I would witness if I went inside.

  I wanted that for him or her.

  Me, on the other hand, I had never done anything in my life that I could say made me deserve it.

  And therein lay the problem.

  I blinked, realising I’d sat down and not sure when I’d done it. I was soaked through to the bone, and my body was shivering so hard that I was sure I would be aching for days. None of it mattered though. For once, I’d made up my mind that I was going to put Ruben, and our baby, first – and I couldn’t even follow through with it.

  “What...the fuck...are you doing?” I heard over the sound of my own blood rushing through my ears, or was that the rain? I really didn’t know.

  Strong arms pulled me from the floor and I burst out laughing. Rescued again. Typical Lydia fucking Romero, can’t do anything on her own. I fought against whoever was walking me towards the front door, I couldn’t go in there. I knew I was bordering on hysterical, laugh-crying like a hyena on crack. Definitely my mother’s daughter after all.

  “I can’t go in there!” I screeched, still fighting, futile as it may have been seeing as all my energy had deserted me.

  “W
hy not?”

  “I don’t deserve it!” I laughed. “Look at this place! Just look at it!”

  My laughter quickly morphed into tears and I threw myself into the arms around me, still having no idea who it was. They caught me and swung my legs up, cradling me like a baby. I could hardly breathe, the whole situation was just taxing my emotions. I felt the warmth as soon as we stepped through the doorway, but I didn’t dare open my eyes. They were too sore from the rain anyway. I held on to the warmth as I was laid down on a smooth leather cushion, the sofa, I assumed.

  Voices sounded around me, angry, worried, frantic voices.

  But only one broke through the fog.

  “What on Earth is going on?”

  The room fell silent, you could have heard a pin drop. Then I started sobbing all over again.

  “Lydia? Lydia? What the fuck is wrong with her?” I felt his fingers on my forehead, wiping away the excess water.

  “Lydia? Babe, can you open your eyes for me?” He asked gently.

  I wished I could, I wished I could I open them and see his beautiful face, but I couldn’t. It was safer in the dark, if I couldn’t see the world around me, then I wouldn’t have anything to freak-out about it. No doubt, I knew I was freaking out one hundred percent.

  I whimpered when he tried to move my arm to get my jacket off. It hurt too much because my skin was raw and I didn’t want anyone to touch me.

  “Fuck it, she’s freezing.” He growled, using his angry voice.

  Why was he so angry? I didn’t mean to make him angry.

  I’ve come to make us all better, Ruben. You see?

  I was lifted from the sofa, I couldn’t stop the yelp that escaped my mouth, nor could I understand why I was in so much pain. I hurt from my toe nails, right to the ends of my hair.

  “Shh, sorry baby. So, so sorry, but we need to get you warm.” Ruben whispered into my hair.

  Then I was hit with, what felt like, a wall of fire and I screamed. If he hadn’t have been holding me, I’d have collapsed into a heap on the floor of the shower we were standing in. He held me to his chest, mumbling reassurances to me until my shivering finally subsided and I could stand by myself.

  “Lyds, please please can you open your eyes for me. I’m begging you here.”

  I blinked. Then I blinked again. My eyes were raw but I fought the pain because I wanted to look at him. Seventeen days was too long to not see his beautiful face. He smiled at me, a relieved smile, but it didn’t reach his eyes.

  My voice was croaky when I spoke, “I needed you. I couldn’t wait. I’m sorry, I’m so stupid and I forgive you and I’m sorry and I know you probably won’t want me anymore because I’m all crazy and everything, but I’m really sorry and I love you...”

  His smile got wider before he cut of my apologetic ramblings by placing his lips to mine. Gently, as if he was scared that I’d flip at him like last time. I would never do that again, Jackson was right and he didn’t deserve it. I grabbed the saturated shirt he was wearing in both hands and pulled him closer, forcing my tongue inside his mouth and telling him how sorry I was with actions rather than words. I’d never forget that kiss. It was a kiss that told a hundred stories and held a thousand apologies.

  He eventually broke away from me, even though I wanted more.

  “Come on, let’s get you dry and you can tell me how and why I find you lying on my sofa, in the state you were in.”

  Oops! I forgot we still had to talk!

  I talked, while he stripped my clothes and dried me with a bath towel. He held me close to his body, smothering me with his warmth as I spoke. I felt so cocooned and so safe, I didn’t even give a second thought to what his reaction might be. I definitely needed to work on breaking that habit. I told him about his family’s visit, how rude I was, about holding Harley and lastly, I told him every word that Jackson has said to me.

  Every.

  Word.

  Forgetting the fact that I hadn’t yet told him about the baby.

  His body turned to stone whilst I was talking but I powered through. When he turned to grab me some joggers and a t-shirt of his, I kept talking. When he dressed me, I kept talking. And, when he turned and grabbed the handle to his bedroom door, I finally stopped.

  “Be back in a minute. Get in bed.” He said as he walked out.

  I frowned at his retreating form, then slowly followed behind him. I’d got to the doorframe when I heard him literally roaring somewhere else in the house.

  “Have you lost your fucking mind?!”

  My breath caught and I held on to the top of the joggers in my fist as I raced in the direction of his voice and down the stairs. Ruben was facing off against Jackson, surrounded by his family, without Jase. His face was almost purple with rage and he shoved his brother with both arms. Jackson rocked back on his feet but other than that, he showed no reaction.

  “You have. You have officially lost your fucking mind. How fucking dare you?” Ruben was still yelling so loud, the sound went straight through me

  Taylor stepped a little closer nervously. She put her hand out, “Ruben...”

  “Fuck off and stay out of it.” He bit out. I sucked in a breath, I’d never seen him that angry and he hated when men were disrespectful to women.

  “Hey!” Jackson snapped, finally showing a reaction by grabbing Ruben around the throat. He wasn’t hurting him I didn’t think, just holding him back. “Say what you want to me, you little shit. But don’t ever speak to my wife like that.”

  Ruben sneered at him when he let go, looking vicious and not at all like himself.

  “So, you can reduce my fiance, and the future mother of my child to a quivering wreck, where she’s crying and shaking so hard that she can’t even fucking breathe and she has to walk her ass over here in this beast of a storm just to get to me...but you don’t like when I curse at your wife? Not only are you a fucking hypocrite, but you’re a bully and a cunt. I’m sure you’ll try and defend yourself by giving me some bullshit lines like ‘I was trying to get her to see sense’ or ‘I was doing what I thought was best for you’ but for fuck sake Jackson, she doesn’t even fucking know you.”

  He was breathing hard and the veins in his arms were bulging. He actually looked pretty damn hot like that. I figured it was probably not the right time to point that out though.

  Jackson looked over at me and I tried not to cower.

  “Don’t even look at her.” Ruben demanded.

  “She’s here isn’t she?” Jackson pointed out, missing the point completely.

  Ruben laughed humourlessly. “Right. She’s here, but if Mase hadn’t been going out, then who knows how long she would have been outside. Jesus Christ, she’s pregnant for crying out loud! You should never, ever speak to anyone like that, let alone basically telling a pregnant woman that I would take our child away from her because of where she lived.”

  Jackson cringed, Taylor sucked in a breath and whispered his name in shock, Mason gave a low whistle and Harper said, “dude, that’s not going to go down well.”

  They’re reactions almost made me want to laugh.

  Almost, but not quite.

  Jackson put a hand to the back of his neck and looked to the floor but didn’t speak.

  “If that’s not enough, you call her stupid, ignorant, ungrateful and you compared her to her mother!” Ruben was back to shouting by the end of his sentence and I walked up behind him, giving him my support by putting my arms around him and resting my forehead on his back. I squeezed him lightly, silently telling him that he’d said enough.

  “You did what?” Taylor whispered, looking directly at Jackson. Her skin had gone pale and she held a hand to her chest.

  “Now baby gi...” She cut him off.

  “Don’t. Now is not the time for you to try and be sweet. That poor girl, she never did a thing to you. We were trying to be supportive, remember? Help them solve the issues between them. Not alienate a twenty year old pregnant young woman! The things you called her a
re bad enough, but to threaten a pregnant woman with losing custody of her child before it’s even born? That’s not something my Jackson would do. You stop and think about your little girl and how you’d feel if she was taken from you.” She shook her head and looked at me. “I’ll apologise that I brought him with me to your home and left you with him. I’m sorry he said those things to you. When you decide that you’ve made him grovel enough for you to forgive him, then I’ll forgive him too. Until then,” she swung her eyes back to Jackson. “You can sleep on the sofa.”

  He opened his mouth but didn’t get any words out before she stormed down the hallway and shut the door behind her. The ‘click’ seemed to echo in the silence that followed.

  “We’re...umm...” Harper started, pointing her thumb in the direction of the front door. Mase looked between his brothers a couple of times before nodding and following her out.

  That left the three of us. Ruben hadn’t taken his eyes off Jackson, I wondered if everything was stuck on repeat for him, or if he was still trying to get control of himself.

  I whispered into his back, “Ruben, I’m really tired. Can we just talk about this tomorrow? I haven’t slept well without you.”

  I was tired, but I wanted to ease the tension more.

  He immediately turned, grabbed my hand and lead me back up the stairs. I looked back over my shoulder and Jackson stood facing the window, massaging his own shoulders. He glanced back at the same time I did, the guilt, pain and regret that I saw written all over his face was enough for me.

  Ruben had said to me years before, “It might have been the wrong thing to do, but at least your heart was in the right place.”

  That definitely applied. No matter how angry everyone else was, I couldn’t stay mad at him. He was trying to do the right thing, just went the wrong way about it. God knows I’d made more than my fair share of mistakes over the years.

  Taylor was wrong, I didn’t need to make him grovel because he was punishing himself enough. I’d already forgiven him.