Lost Perfect Kiss: A Crown Creek Novel

by Theresa Leigh

  Who was it that I had been in love with? Was she a dream I’d made up in my head? This bitter woman laughing ruefully as she blew out a resigned sigh was nothing like the carefree girl who’d made me feel like I was drunk. “It started out as a ‘I scratch your back you scratch mine’ sort of deal,” she said, darting another glance at me. “Literally. He liked it when I scratched his back.”

  “Fucking gross.”

  “I know.” She heaved a sigh. “But I told myself it was fine. A little weird, but what was it compared with what he could do for me?” She shook her head and shot a grateful glance to the bartender for setting a wineglass in front of her. She gulped it like a frat boy doing a funnel and went on. “He was this paunchy, middle-aged loser, you know? He was always telling me how beautiful I was, how I was this goddess who was gracing him with my presence.” She laughed, a bitter, acid sound. “He let me think that I was the one who was using him.”

  As if fortified by the wine, she looked at me full on. “You remember how he set us up?”

  I nodded tightly, not trusting my voice to say anything aloud.

  She drained her glass. “Before I met you, he coached me. Told me all the wonderful things you could do for my career. Being with you was the shot in the arm I needed, for visibility,” she confessed.

  “Fuck,” I hissed. Jonah had always accused her of that very thing. Using me. Lost in love, I’d refused to believe him.

  Her hand brushed my arm. “No, Gabe,” she said, as if she could read my thoughts. “It wasn’t like that. I did love you. Oh my god, I loved you so much. But the more in love I fell, the more jealous Bennett got. He held it over me, threatening my career, all the work I’d done, the contacts he’d made for me, the deals he’d cut. He’d pull them all if I didn’t keep him happy. So I had to...keep him happy.” She glanced at her wine glass again, but it was empty. “First it was the back scratching, then it was...kisses. Then...” She looked disgusted. “I showed him my breasts once after a particularly nasty blowout. And the first time I...I...” She took a shuddering breath. “The first time I gave him oral was when we got back from the island.” She shook her head. “He was jealous, I think. Mad that I got away from him. He told me that my album had stalled.” The bartender brought her another glass of wine and she clutched it gratefully. “You remember how hard I was pushing you for the duet?”

  “Yes,” I said. Regret turned somersaults in my belly. I was torn between disgust at her and disgust at myself for being so far up my own ass that I didn’t see how she’d been wrenched around like this.

  “It was the only thing I could think of to get free of him. I thought that if I was on your album, I’d make my name. And...and I thought maybe if we were able to spend more time together, stuck in a studio and everything, you’d be able to keep me safe from him.”

  “Fucking hell, Noelle.” The world slanted sideways, and I gripped the bar tightly to keep from sliding with it. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

  She threw up her hands in helpless surrender. “What was I going to say? That I’d been cheating on you since the moment we met? I thought I could control it when it started. Bennett—you know how he was, acting like he was your friend, wanting to fit in. He’d get these puppy-dog eyes when he thought we were ignoring him. He was always saying he should get more credit for getting us together, asking for hugs. Telling me how nice he was being. He made me feel like it was always my choice. Saying we had to work together, look out for each other. The more attention I gave him, the harder he worked for me. The first time he kissed me he tried to play it off for laughs, like it was an accident. I felt like maybe I’d misinterpreted, and you didn’t say or do anything so I thought I’d imagined it. I used my body. It was part of what I did. I got the results I wanted, right? The first time he put my hand on his dick, I wanted to go to you right then and there. But he reminded me that I was in a bind. I was touring with you. If I told, I’d lose my allowance. And I’d already put my career on hold for you.”

  “I never asked you to.” Guilt made me sound sullen.

  “You wanted me there, Gabe. You always said how I was the only thing that made you feel alive during the touring. The only thing that made sense. What else was I supposed to think other than you needed me?”

  I knew I would sound like a prick but I said it anyway. “You needed me more.”

  “Of course I did.” She admitted it readily. “I was using you and I’ll never forgive myself for not loving you the way I should have. I know that now. But I have always loved you.”

  I tried to look back and see her loving me. “All I remember is ‘Gabe get me on the record, Gabe buy this for me, Gabe talk to Bennett for me.’ Seems like you could have done some talking to Bennett yourself.”

  “I felt like I started out as a lion tamer, but the lion turned around and ate me alive. I didn’t want to have sex with him.”

  “Did he force you?”

  “I never said no. But I never said yes, either. I thought I had to. To have a career. To stay close to you. I thought I was doing something that would get me something in return, and all I got was losing you.”

  Tears streamed down her face. I had loved her. I’d wake up next to her and think she was the prettiest thing in the world. I’d loved her like a drowning man loves a life preserver, but I couldn’t remember a single thing I loved about her other than how she made me feel.

  I loved Everly for who she was, not what she did for me. I loved her fierce scowls and her amazing strength. I loved how fucking smart she was and how she forced me to be smart, too. I loved how she never complained, how she took everything in stride. I loved what a fucking wildcat she was in bed, and I wanted to be with her right now.

  I stood up. Painfully and slowly, but I stood up. “Noelle.”

  She shook her head, trying to head me off before I could say anything more. “I want you to know that I’m free of him.” She turned to me. “He trapped us both, in a way. You got free of the pills he hooked you on.” She grabbed my hand before I could snatch it away. “I heard you went to rehab. I followed the news about you and I’m so proud of you. You’re free of him and now so am I.”

  I was numb. Shell-shocked. “You are?” I asked dully.

  She sipped her wine, her composure returning. “I don’t care anymore,” she declared. “I released the song without his backing. The money is mine and I’m using it to sue to get out of all my contracts.” She took a deep breath. “And that’s why I came back.”

  “That’s why?”

  “I’m free.” She leaned forward, so close I could tell that she still used her same shampoo. “For the first time since you’ve known me, I am not beholden to anyone but myself.” She brushed her hand along her side. “This is me. The real me. And I miss you, Gabe.” A bright, fierce light danced in her eyes. “I miss us, and more than that, I miss what we could have been.” She slipped her palm into mine. “I want to start over again. The two of us. I want to have something real with you.”

  “Noelle.” My tongue was thick.

  “Please don’t say no, Gabe.” Her voice caught. Noelle had cried plenty of times when we were together, but for the first time I understood that these were her real tears. “Please don’t leave again. When you walked away without letting me explain, I wanted to die. I knew how badly I’d hurt you, and I am so sorry.”

  “I’m sorry,” I said, standing up. She shook her head, a mute no no no, and my heart wanted to leap from my chest. “Noelle, I want you to know I’m sorry too. For not keeping you safe when I should have.”

  “Gabe. Gabe, please.”

  I swallowed. The hurt from seeing her like that burned like fire, even years later. But her words hadn’t extinguished the blaze. Everly had.

  I touched her hand, wondering if there was anything there at all, and when I had her little wrist closed in my fingers I felt it.

  Nothing.

  “Noelle, I am sorry—”

  Her shoulders slumped.

  “—but
I don’t love you.”

  “Gabe.”

  “No.” I shook my head. “Thank you for giving me closure. Thank you for coming all this way to check on me.” I felt the corner of my mouth tug a little. “I always did wonder how you’d look in Crown Creek.”

  She was crying freely, but she had a proud lift to her chin when she spoke. “How do I look?”

  “Out of place,” I said. “This isn’t the place for you. I’m not the guy for you, either.”

  “You always wanted me to come to Crown Creek. I came.”

  “You came. I’m sorry, Noelle.”

  “Where am I going to go, Gabe?”

  “You’re smarter and stronger than you realize. You can go anywhere and you’ll be a huge success. You don’t need to ride my coattails, and you don’t need to listen to Bennett’s lies. You can do it yourself, okay?”

  She sobbed and sagged into my arms. Her tears soaked my shirt as I held her stiffly but gently. As she cried, I made a list in my head of how I could help her, how we could take down Bennett together…but that would only give her false hope.

  The only way she’d be free of Bennett was to be free of me as well. “You’re okay,” I told her, patting her gently. “You’re going to be just fine.”

  She pulled back and smiled at me, wiping away her tears. I gave her an encouraging nod and then, out of habit, out of friendship, I reached up and brushed away a piece of hair that was sticking to her face.

  That’s when I caught sight of Everly, standing behind Noelle, face white.

  How long had she been there? Did she see us fighting?

  Or had she only walked in during the embrace? Did she only see the moment I reached out and tenderly touched my ex’s face?

  “Everly.” I stepped around Noelle and went to her. “You’re here. I thought you had your rotation tonight.” Fuck, why did I say it like that? It only made me sound guilty.

  “Gabe?” Noelle spoke up at the worst fucking time.

  “We’re done now,” I snapped at her over my shoulder.

  Her face, which had looked calm and peaceful, crumpled. Fuck. I was fucking this all up. “Beau!” I called. “Can you take Noelle...”

  My brother moved, but it was too late. Everly had heard me. “So that’s Noelle,” she said. Her lips were completely bloodless and her hands shook. She looked on the verge of an attack.

  “Baby, no. It was nothing,” I soothed. “I mean, yes. That was Noelle, but she just showed up tonight. I had no idea—” Everything I said made me sound more like a cheating fucker. “Everly, baby, I love you.”

  Her eyes glazed over. She hadn’t heard me. She was looking over at Noelle, staring, even, and as she did I watched my girl shut down. “I’m such a fucking idiot. You’ve been acting so weird, but I—” Her hands went to her mouth. “You guys were together when you were using, right?”

  “Right, but that has nothing to do with—”

  “It makes sense,” she said faintly. Her eyes flicked back up to me. Then she lifted a proud chin. “Liar,” she hissed, and made for the door.

  Chapter Thirty-Five

  Everly

  It made sense. It all made sense. His stupid danger-junkie risks, the distance I’d felt from him.

  I kept staring, freezing up. My brain wouldn’t work properly and my hands, my fucking hands, shook. If I didn’t get out of here, I was going to break down and have a full-on attack right in front of his perfect ex.

  I ran for the door and yanked it open. The rain poured down in huge, lashing sheets that soaked me to the skin in a matter of moments. But I felt nothing. I was numb.

  Which was why I didn’t feel his hand on my arm until he yanked me back to him. “Everly!”

  “Get your hands off me!” Shock at how roughly he was holding me made me shout. “Who the fuck do you think you are?”

  “I’m trying to tell you it was nothing. It’s not what you’re thinking, okay? Nothing happened. She just came here. Fucking blindsided me.”

  “I know what that’s like!” I yelled in his face.

  “I was wrong about what happened.” His fingers loosened and his eyes drifted away from mine. He went somewhere inside of him. “With her. I had it all wrong.”

  The tenderness in his voice hurt the most. The sympathy for this woman who had supposedly stomped on his heart. How could he sound like this if he...

  If he...

  I almost choked on my tongue. “You still love her.”

  He snapped back to me. “That’s not true.”

  “Jesus fucking Christ, Gabe, why are you jerking me around like this? Be a normal guy for once!”

  He looked pissed. “I thought you understood. I’m not normal at all. I thought we cleared that up.”

  “Right.” I crossed my arms over my chest, hugging myself. I was freezing, but I wasn’t going to give him the satisfaction of seeing me shiver. I wasn’t going to let him see me as fragile and needing help. He was going to see me as I was.

  Fucking livid.

  “Right,” I said again. “It’s quite clear. You’re a danger junkie who gets off on stringing along the girl next door while secretly meeting with his famous ex. Was I just a way for you to feel like you were getting away with something? Did telling me you loved me raise the stakes high enough for you to get off on your little game?”

  “Christ, Everly, cut the shit! You’re spinning out.”

  “No, it all makes sense.”

  “For the fucking millionth time, you’ve got it all wrong.”

  “Really? Tell me everything is okay, then. Tell me you haven’t been pulling away from me. Tell me you haven’t been taking stupid risks these past few weeks. Tell me I’m wrong about that.”

  His nostrils flared. “I’m not fucking cheating on you with fucking Noelle. Christ, you know how I feel about her.”

  “You just told me you were wrong about her,” I pointed out.

  He clapped his hands over his face and dragged them down, distorting his beautiful face into a tragedy mask. “You refuse to accept a single thing I’m telling you, so how the fuck am I supposed to tell you everything is okay?”

  His words hit me like a punch in the gut. “So we’re not okay?”

  “I’d say fucking not!” he exploded. “Jesus, with this hellacious night—you know, Everly, you knew who I was from the beginning. Unlike you, I never hid my identity. I’ve been open from the beginning.” I took a step back, stung. He threw up his hands. “Yeah! I am who I am and if you can’t handle it, go find someone else. Someone normal.”

  I couldn’t get a full breath in my lungs. I was not going to have a panic attack, dear god not here, not like this. “You don’t mean that,” I pleaded. I wanted to take it all back. I was scared. I was hurt. I was— “You don’t mean that.”

  He waved his hands, looking for all the world like he was washing them of me. Of us. “Yeah. I do.” His voice was hollow, empty. “Go home. Study. Pass your boards. Go live your life. Be normal, Everly. Without me.”

  Chapter Thirty-Six

  Everly

  One strange side effect of Gabe breaking up with me was the effect it had on Rachel.

  She tiptoed around me, making as little noise as possible. I kept finding little gifts in the house—a new mug for my coffee, a new shirt hanging in my closet. But it didn’t feel like sweet kindnesses from a friend. It felt like desperation, and it finally pulled me out of the self-indulgent haze I’d been living in. “Hey,” I said, knocking on her doorframe. “You okay?”

  She leaped off her bed. “Are you?” There was panic in her eyes, though I had no idea why.

  “I’m getting there,” I sighed. I shook myself back out of the melancholy. “You’re being jumpy as hell. What’s going on?”

  “I want to be sure you’re going to be okay.”

  “I’m a big girl, Rachel.”

  “Of course I know that, but I thought, after a big change like this, you might want to…maybe you’d go back to your family and—”


  It slowly dawned on me what she was worried about. “Rach, I’m not going to move back home again.”

  She exhaled a tiny, quick breath. Then the corner of her mouth twitched. “In my church, when a man sends a woman away, she returns to her family. I have to remember that’s not how it’s done out here.”

  “Gabe didn’t send me away,” I huffed. “He dumped me.”

  Rachel gave me a helpless shrug. “It’s sort of the same thing,” she sighed. A wave of sadness washed over her face and I realized how much about her I still didn’t know. But she mastered it and pulled herself visibly back under control. “Remember,” she said reprovingly. “I was there. Gabe was telling the truth when he said nothing happened. Every time that girl tried to touch him, he pulled away.”

  I blinked and stared up at the ceiling. The tears fell anyway. “I know. I believe him. I was only mad for a second, but that second messed everything up.” Rachel gave me a sympathetic shoulder squeeze and I reached up to press my hand on hers. “He just dumped me. Just gave up. I—I never thought he’d let me go so easily.”

  Rachel made a sound, but didn’t say anything.

  I shrugged. “I don’t know whether to beg him to take me back or tell him to go fuck himself.” I stood up straighter. “Maybe I’ll flip a coin.”

  “Just relax for now,” Rachel said, moving into the kitchen. “I’ll make us some dinner.” She busily opened cupboards, but peered into each one with a frown. “Oh, goodness. We’re out of everything.”

  “Okay,” I said, heading over to the door to grab my shoes. “I’ll go do a grocery run.”

  “Are you sure you’re up to it?”

  I couldn’t help but grin. “Rach, you’ve been waiting on me hand and foot this past week. You need a break.”

  I grabbed my purse and headed outside, consciously swerving around the Acura and heading to Grim. I assumed Chuck from the garage would be by to pick up his loaner soon. I slid behind Grim’s wheel and started him up, feeling a pang when he started smoothly. Gabe had been so good to me. How could he drop us like that?