Headspace

by Calinda B

  He licks his lips and nods.

  “Good.” I release his shirt and smile. “What do you mean ‘keeping up the pretense was hard’?”

  “You’re skilled at what you do. I had to believe in my story. So much so that you would think it’s real. It was so outlandish I could barely keep it together. But then, in that room, with you there…all I could think about was how beautiful you are and how much I wanted you.”

  “You were kind of a controlling dick sometimes.”

  “Part of the character. You don’t know me to be like that. I’ve never been a dick to you before.”

  “I wouldn’t say ‘never.’” I roll my eyes.

  “Okay, okay, point taken. But we’re moving past that, right?”

  “I suppose. Maybe. I don’t know. We’ve been friends for such a long time. What if becoming lovers fucks that up?” I pick at the orange pillow next to me.

  Jonas groans. “Oh, come on, Vienna! I know you’ve thought of it a time or two. I think about it all the time. The last few years, I feel like a drug addict. Drug Vienna. It’s been all I could do to keep my hands off of you.”

  I glance at him. “I do recall you being rather tense on a few occasions.”

  “More like rock hard and trying not to show it.”

  I laugh.

  “It’s not funny.”

  “So is this all about you just being horny? I have a virtual room where you can play out your fantasies,” I tease.

  “We could start there,” he counters with a predatory, piercing look.

  I shiver with excitement. This Jonas has been hiding all these years. This Jonas is sizzling hot. “I thought you didn’t like virtual fantasy scenes.”

  “I don’t. I didn’t. I don’t get it. I mean, I can see two lovers acting out a fantasy and all but to do it virtually? Why would you want virtual sex when the real deal is so much more fulfilling? When I stopped midway, my desire for you got the best of me and I had to clear out of there before I criticized you for what you were doing or gave myself away.”

  “What’s the harm? People fantasize about each other all the time. This is just a fleshing out of their fantasies. I’m good at what I do, Jonas. I make people believe that they really had a skin to skin encounter with me.”

  His face pulls into a grimace. “And how are you with all that? Doesn’t it make you feel like a hooker?”

  I shrug. “It’s just a Headspace. I can be bored out of my mind, curled up on the floor while they get their rocks off.”

  “Seriously?”

  “I can prove it. Most of the time I get a hit of energy, though. It’s hot. It’s like my drug of choice. Erotic energy, baby. Want to see? My clients are dying for me to get back to work.”

  “No,” he quickly retorts and stares away. “Hell, no. I don’t want to watch. I’m more of an action man. I want to do, not see.” He glances up at me, his eyes nearly black with desire, and swallows.

  I squirm with shivers and quivers of need.

  “What do you mean ‘get back to work’?”

  I sigh. “That last time—it devastated me. I went into a mixed up energy overload tailspin like I used to do when I was a child. I’ve basically been in bed for three weeks or more. I lost track. Your character got under my skin. The edges between fantasy and reality blurred. I started to get all shaky. I thought you were…” A sob escapes my throat. “I thought you were Liam trying to make me pay.”

  “Your first love? What would he need you to pay for?”

  “I broke him. I broke his cock, Jonas,” I blurted. I’ve never told a soul…until now.

  Jonas clutches at his groin. “How could you break a cock?”

  “It’s a stupid term for a medical condition,” I wail. “It’s horrid. It can make a guy impotent for the rest of his life. His was all bruised and he was in pain and he…” I’m blathering now, reliving the entire scene.

  “Enough with the details. That’s a serious mood killer. What did you do to make that happen?”

  I can barely speak through the rain of teardrops. “I told you I’m different.”

  “Yeah, but why should that make a difference? You’re sensitive, not damaged.”

  “I got too close. When I get too close I lose it. Why do you think I’ve insisted on friendship all these years?” I throw my arms into the air.

  Jonas eyes grow wide. “We can deal, babe.”

  “We can’t deal. I can’t control the energy flowing through me, or at least I couldn’t. I started shaking like an earthquake, he slipped out and it snapped.”

  Jonas shudders again. “Gah, V! It snapped?”

  “Not like broke in two, that’s just the sound it made as the…as it…oh, dear God,” I wail. “It was awful!”

  “Shhh, V, shhh.” He hands me his handkerchief and smoothes my hair back from my face. “So was he impotent after that?”

  “He said he wasn’t but I was too scared to try again. Not with him. Never again. It was a pretty traumatic first encounter, don’t you think?” I look at him through wet lashes.

  He nods in agreement. “I’ll say.” He brushes a piece of my hair from my cheek. His thumb moves back and forth along my skin for a moment as he flashes me another one of those heart-melting gazes.

  “I think he was scared, too, but he would never admit it. I saw him a few years back and he looked well enough. He had a wife on his arm and was pushing a baby stroller with a set of twins. The equipment must still work.”

  “What did he say when he saw you?”

  “He just looked really sad. We exchanged a few pleasantries; I introduced myself to his wife. That was it.”

  “I’ll bet he was sad. He’d lost the most gorgeous, talented, sensitive, and wonderful babe on the planet.”

  “That’s what he said,” I whisper. “When we broke up.” I glance down at my hands. They’re trembling. “I’ve held on to this for a long, long time,” I continue.

  “I can see that. Ready to let it go?”

  “I don’t know how.” I’m still whispering.

  “I can help,” Jonas whispers back.

  “What will you do?” I say quietly, not looking at him.

  “I’ll show you how perfect you are.” He plants a tender kiss on my temple. “I’ll show you how a passionate man who’s in love with his best friend can make her feel.”

  Again, a shiver rolls through my belly. Jonas is stirring all kinds of lusty sensation. “What about that orgasm you promised?” I’m still focused on my lap. Anywhere but on Jonas’s face.

  “What about it?”

  “Grammy said that I can learn with the right man.”

  “You’ll have to let your guard down. But he’s ready.”

  “Is he?” I need to clip my fingernails. They’re getting long. I need to breathe. I’m clutching my breath. My mind is spinning. My mind is blank. I’m scared. I take a deep breath and will calm into my system.

  “He is. After he assures you that he’ll never hurt you like that again.”

  “Ever?” My head pops up to meet his gaze.

  “Never, ever. I put myself through hell. And I can’t even imagine what you went through. I’m so, so, so sorry, Vienna.” Tears fill his eyes.

  “Truly sorry?” My eyes fill with waterworks, too.

  “Truly sorry.” He clasps my hands. “You’re trembling.”

  I nod and tears spill down my cheeks.

  “Are you scared?”

  My head shifts side to side. “No,” I say. “Yes. I mean, a little. I’m scared of what we’re about to do. I’m scared of what I might do if I let go.”

  He smiles and inches closer. “What are we about to do?”

  I swallow. “Indulge in fantasy play?”

  “What about reality play?” He moves even closer.

  “Better yet.” I wipe the tears from his rugged face. “I’ve only seen you cry once before.”

  “And when was that?”

  “When I told you I might be moving across the globe for a job
.”

  “The thought of not seeing you every day killed me. But I figured I had no right to ask you to stay.”

  “You didn’t. But I stayed anyway. I couldn’t live without seeing you every day, either.”

  We both laugh and sob. Jonas and I wrap our arms around each other and squeeze tight. He feels so damn good in my arms but I’m afraid to move.

  “Vienna?” he says into my hair.

  “Yeah?” I say into his shoulder.

  “I kind of can’t breathe.”

  “I’m scared. I’m scared we’re going to fuck up our awesome friendship.”

  “Ease up a little.”

  “No.”

  “Vienna, what am I going to do to you?”

  I squeeze harder. “I don’t know,” I breathe. “I’m just scared. I’m afraid I won’t be able to control myself.” I inhale deeply. Jonas smells like heaven. I’ve always adored the way he smells. He smells like hard work, extreme masculinity, warmth, and love, if that’s a smell.

  He chuckles. “That doesn’t sound so bad.” He pushes away from me and takes my face in his hands. “I’m the one who should be scared. You’re a skilled sexual avatar. How will I keep up? Do you know the kind of reputation you have?” He brushes a purple lock from my cheek.

  I shake my head.

  “You are one sought-after fantasy woman.”

  “Seriously?”

  “Damn straight. I’d been seeing these ads for your service on my holo-screen. I got intrigued. As much as I dislike the drug-club virtual realities, yours seemed kind of stand up or something. I talked to a few people who’ve used you— er, I mean who’ve used the service. They all claim to be in love with you…only I didn’t know it was you at first.”

  I smile a little. “That’s part of my skill set. They don’t know me at all. The person they’re really in love with is themselves. All they’ve done is project onto me.”

  “You sound like a psychologist, Doctor.” He smiles.

  “I know a little.” I return the smile. “How’d you guess it was me?”

  He looks away. “Uh, someone told me.”

  “Who?”

  “He made me promise not to tell.”

  “Come on, Jonas, who told? That’s a security breach.”

  “It was Kaama. He thought I already knew.”

  “Geez, Kaama? I’m going to have to have a talk with him.”

  “Be nice to him. I kind of tricked him into telling me.”

  “Tricked him how?”

  “You’ve always kept your new job a secret. I just asked him if he helped you set it up, not knowing what the ‘it’ was, and we got to talking, conversationally, you know, and ka-blam! Out it came.”

  “Shit!”

  “It was an innocent mistake. He didn’t know I didn’t know. He hadn’t a clue that I’d broken your heart. He said he hasn’t seen you in a few weeks.”

  “No, not for a while. He’s been traveling or something.”

  “Well, he’s back now.”

  I nod.

  “We’re stalling, you know.”

  “I know.”

  “I’m done stalling. I want you.”

  “Good. I want you, too.”

  He cradles his hand behind my neck and pulls me toward him into a succulent kiss. It’s like at the Craze only better…much, much better. I’m completely intoxicated by the feel of his mouth against mine. This kiss is years in the making. This kiss has been waiting to happen. This kiss is phenomenal. My insides light up with all kinds of sensation.

  Jonas gently breaks apart the kiss. “Wow, V.”

  “Wow, J.”

  “You’re an amazing kisser.”

  “You, too.” I grin at him.

  “Head for the bed?”

  I stand and take his hand, leading him into my room. Thank goodness I cleaned it. It’s a cheery room, even in the dark of winter. It’s decorated with blues, greens, and gold like the Caribbean Sea. I’ve got a huge window facing the bed. I grab a controller and press a button, then toss the controller back on the dresser. Thick curtains slide into place. Soft light glows from sconces on the wall. A king-size bed covered with velvety softness beckons. This room is bliss. “What day is it? I’ve been so out of it, I barely know the date.”

  “It’s Saturday, the twelfth of December.”

  “Awesome. So if we don’t get it today, we still have time to practice.”

  “The orgasm?”

  I smile.

  Jonas gives me a solemn look. He starts talking fast. “Thirteen days is a good start. I plan on taking my time. No need to rush these things. I intend to do everything within my power to succeed at my mission.”

  “At our quest, you mean.”

  “Exactly. At our quest.”

  Nigel follows us into the bedroom. I’m hungry.

  Get out.

  I said I’m hungry.

  And I said get out.

  Is this how it’s going to be?

  It could be.

  So now I’m not man enough for you?

  You’re a cat.

  Jonas looks over at me, puzzled. “Are you conversing with that cat?”

  Nigel glares at Jonas. That cat?

  I give him Jonas a sheepish look. “I’m afraid so. One of the perks of being this sensitive.”

  “I get to learn all kinds of things about you, don’t I?”

  I shrug. “I suppose we both have a thing or two to learn. I’m game if you are.” I saunter in front of my huge, plush urban-modern chair, pivot, and beckon to him to come closer.

  “All in.” He slips my shirt from my torso, letting his hands roam and stroke my skin along the way. “One hundred percent,” he adds, unclasping my bra. “I’ve got a lot of making up to you to do. I take my responsibilities very seriously.” He takes one of my nipples in his mouth and sucks.

  I gasp. “Jonas! Oh, God, that’s intense.”

  He moves to the other breast. While his mouth works that nipple, his hand massages the other breast, pulling the nipple and kneading my soft skin.

  “Oh, geez! Jonas, this is heaven. It’s been a long time since I’ve been with a guy, real time.”

  “Mmm,” he moans, in response, working his way back and forth from one breast to the other. “You have no idea how long I’ve wanted to do this.” He proceeds to place a path of tender kisses along my jaw. He navigates to the other side and nibbles my ear lobe. He kisses my temple, my eyelids, my forehead and my nose.

  “Wait,” I say breathlessly. “Wait a minute.” I push his head away. “I need to do this my way.”

  Jonas looks at me confused. “Okay,” he says cautiously. “What do you need?”

  “I need some access to your mind.”

  “Granted.” He cocks his head. “Not all the time, but in this moment, I’m wide open. A person has a right to privacy and to being willing to share on their own time.”

  “Understood.”

  He studies me for a moment. “Vienna, why is it so hard for you to let go? There’s more to your story, isn’t there?”

  I nod my head, feeling ridiculous, foolish, childish, and stupid. I hate feeling this way.

  “Sit.” I gesture to my plush chair.

  He sits.

  I pull my hair and start to pace. All these feelings. All this stuff that I’ve stored away. I don’t know where to start, what to say. I don’t want Jonas’s sympathy. I don’t want him to look at me and feel sorry for me. I glance over at him. He’s just sitting there, waiting, appearing as if he has all the time in the world. Can I trust him? I want to trust him. He did screw with that trust. But then he explained. My mind is whirling. My feet are taking me around the room like a restless, caged tiger. Finally, I stop; grab the footstool I’d shoved next to the chair, and perch on it in front of Jonas. “Okay,” I say with resolve.

  “Okay.” He smiles encouragingly at me.

  His smile is filled with deep warmth. It gives me courage to continue. “Our friendship has always been about hones
ty, right?”

  “Yup,” he says, nodding.

  “But I wasn’t honest with you about what I did for a living and you withheld info from me when you ran away.” I smile. “We both made mistakes.”

  “We did. And we paid for our mistakes.”

  “I’ll say.” I roll my eyes. “Anyway, what’s done is done. What’s important is that we move forward.” My eyes fill with tears. “I’m so glad you’re here, Jonas. I’m so glad you came back.”

  “Me, too.” Jonas gets a little teary, too.

  I clench and unclench my hands. “Okay, I need to get through this.” I press my palms to my thighs and take a deep breath. “You know my parents were horridly abusive.”

  “I do. You’ve never talked about it much, but you’ve said some things.”

  “And you know I’ve got this ability to get inside others’ heads and mess with their minds.”

  “You’ve told me, yes.”

  “I was born with the skill and it served me well as a child. I knew when a beating was coming, probably well before the thought dripped into my parents’ action plan.” My lips tighten. “I knew in advance, whether the belt, a fist, or whatever was handy was to be aimed in my direction.” Now Jonas is really tearing up. I can’t look at him. “And that knowledge gave me an edge. It gave me a chance to get out of the way.” Long-buried memories flood my brain. “It was my safety to have access, Jonas.” I bring my eyes to meet his. “And when I learned to manipulate their weak minds, well…” I force back the tears, preventing them from spilling over. “I could make then think that they had already done the deed. I got really, really good at devising torturous forms of punishment for myself. When I screwed with their heads and made them think they had really done the things I had thought up, they were actually proud of their deviousness.” Rage spilled into my gut. “They were proud of what they thought they’d done to me!” My jaw tightens to keep the disgust from leaking out. “And I had already started believing in my torture. It became a game to see how awful I could ‘punish’ myself through their minds.” My eyes narrow and focus on Jonas. I dare him to feel sorry for me.