by Lewis, L. K.
“I do have feelings for you, Morgan. I’m in love with you. I think I fell in love with you as you treated the cut on my eye after crashing into me six years ago, and I’ve never stopped. Am I sitting here wishing it were me that you loved? Absolutely, but we both know that you don’t. As much as I want to be the man for you, to hold you at night and support your dreams, take you on dates and show you off to the world, that is not what you need right now. Right now you need a friend. I promised you when you took this job that I would be professional, and be your friend, so until you ask for more, and I hope to God you do, a friend is what I’ll be.”
“Thank you, Adrian,” I said as tears threatened to breach my eyelids. “That means the world to me.”
“Any time, doll. Now how ‘bout we share an appetizer or two here, and if you’re up for it, we can go out for an actual meal. I know your body is slowly bouncing back from that bug you’ve had all week, I don’t know how much fried food your stomach can take. I know you were trying to make a good impression, but Morgan, next time you’re puking your guts out, call in sick,” Adrian said with a wink. I thought I’d masked my symptoms and my vomiting pretty well, but I guess he still knows me better than most people.
Adrian and I hung at the bar long enough to share a few appetizers. I decided against a second martini, feeling a little more buzzed than usual after the first one. That’s what happens when you hardly keep food down for a week, I guess. Once home, I rinsed the bar stink off in the shower, then slipped on one of the nighties Drake got for me, followed by a cozy robe. Remembering the ways Drake always devoured me with his eyes when I put this on, I decided to fire up my computer and send him an email. I figure he doesn’t check this account because he never responded to my first one, but emailing Drake helps me to still feel connected to him in a way. I know I’m trying to have fun, and am starting to open up to the possibility of eventually moving on from him, but Drake still has my heart. He’ll always own a piece of it in some way.
Drake
I wake early Saturday morning after spending yet another Friday night alone. I have had countless invites from Alina to join her and her group of friends out for cocktails and what not, but I’m not interested. Plus, if my father does indeed have people checking in on me, they may see my interaction with Alina or any of her friends and misconstrue it as a relationship, and that is not a risk I’m willing to take right now. My focus needs to remain on turning this company around and getting back to Morgan.
Thinking of my dad now, I realize it’s been a little while since I last checked in with him. I’m six hours ahead of him, so I guess I’ll get some work done and give him a call a little later. I turn my computer on and head into my kitchen to grab a cup of coffee and some toast before I dive into my work.
Out of habit, the first thing I do when I fire up my computer is check the email account that Garrett set up for me. To my extreme elation, Morgan has sent me a new email. I haven’t heard from her since last week and the non-communication has been killing me. Not like I’ve helped to remedy that in any way. This was sent last night, so hopefully she was out having fun, not sitting home alone miserable like I was.
From: Morgan Lane
Subject: Catching Up
Date: October 27, 2013 21:24
To: Drake Baylor Jr.
Dear Drake,
How are you? Where are you? I feel a little funny like I’m not sure how to start of writing these emails to you, especially because I’m really just writing them to myself, knowing you won’t be getting them. I like writing to you though. It helps me to feel connected to you like you’re off traveling somewhere exotic and coming home soon. But the truth is, I don’t know if you’re ever coming home. I don’t want to dwell on that feeling anymore though, Drake. I want to keep writing as if we are pen pals and I’m just keeping you up to date on what’s going on in my life.
I started working for Thompson Manufacturing on Monday. Adrian is a great boss. He gave me a few accounts to work on right away, which was a great way to dive right into the company. It also gave me a nice distraction from everything else that has been floating inside my head. Well, when I say everything else, I really mean just everything else, which is you. (sigh)
I miss you, Drake. My heart isn’t whole without you near me. My apartment feels empty, no longer like home. I drive by your house sometimes, hoping to see a light on. Hoping I can knock on your door and you’ll invite me in to talk through whatever is wrong between us. I’m not sure what I could have done to make you stay away. I go through everything that happened our last day or two together, trying to figure out what I did to push you away. I know you were freaked out about Adrian, but like I said before he said he kept his mouth shut so now I’m just at a loss.
I feel like I’ve turned into a sad little girl who wallows in her unhappiness, and I can’t do it anymore. I keep trying to find the strong, independent, happy version of myself and I can’t find her anywhere. I love you, Drake. I always will. I’ll never end this fight, but I have to think that maybe it’s time to find some closure as well. I’m not saying I’ll move on from you. I just need to let my heart heal from this pain. I need to find my strength again. I want to be the person you fell in love with whenever it is that you decide to come home, and I really hope you do. You will always own a piece of my heart, Drake, and I’ll always be your home.
Love,
Morgan
FUUUUUUUCK! What the fuck do I do? How can I not respond? How do I keep her in the dark and play by the rules when she tells me she needs closure? I feel like I’ve just been gutted. Rage inside me swelling, I grab my phone to call my sparring partner. No, I can’t do that, I’ll just end up kicking the shit out of him to make myself feel better then I’ll end up with an assault charge, and get locked up in a Swiss prison, and I’ll never make it back to her.
I pick up my coffee mug and throw it against the wall. Damn, that felt good. Next is my desk lamp. Okay, rage subsiding. I start picking up anything within reach and throwing it against the wall until there is nothing left but a shattered mess at my feet. I can’t help but think of the symbolism that represents as I crumble to the ground.
I’ve been doing everything right for two months. I haven’t broken any rules. I have even turned the company around in less than a quarter and by next month this sector will be profitable again. I’ll make sure to mention that to my father when I call him later. Right now, his is the last voice I want to hear. Just thinking about him makes my blood boil, and I’ve just calmed down. Shit, now I have a mess to clean up. At least it will occupy my time a bit before I get back to work.
Chapter 9
Adrian
“Hey, do you have a minute?” I ask as I knock on Morgan’s office door.
“Sure, boss, what’s up?” Morgan says as she looks up with a smile.
“You have been here just over a month now, and because HR is swamped while we make changes to our insurance and benefits packages I thought I’d do your review. Of course if you aren’t comfortable with that because I’m your boss, that’s completely fine, and it can wait.”
“No, that’s fine. When would you like to do it?” Morgan asks with a little flush filling her face and a small bit of sweat grazing her upper lip. She’s clearly caught off guard and perhaps a little nervous which shocks me.
“No rush, how about you wrap up what you are working on and meet me in my office. Does a half hour from now work for you?”
“That’s great,” She says with a little relief in her eyes. “I’ll see you in a bit.”
This is the perfect set up. I’ve been a good boss and an even better friend to Morgan over the past month or so as she settles in to her job here at Thompson Manufacturing. I’ve lent a thoughtful ear, and a shoulder to cry on multiple times as she heals her broken heart. I’ve been a steady presence offering her strength and wisdom in her times of need. I’ve taken her for dinner a few times, showering her with praise and companionship. I’ve basically done everyth
ing in a non-romantic way to be there for Morgan and once again show her what it’s like to have a relationship with me.
Now I’m about to bring it home with this thirty day review. I’m going to spend an hour praising her, and reaffirming that this company is where she belongs, and that as a boss, I’d like to be the one to support her dreams. I’ll take good notes when she gives constructive criticism and make sure those changes are made. I’ve also negotiated a bump in pay with accounting. She has more than earned it in the month she’s been here. At the end of the meeting, I’ll invite her to the club for dinner tomorrow night. I have taken the liberty of inviting both Morgan’s and my parents to join us, and have also made arrangements for some after dinner entertainment as we celebrate her new career. This of course will be a total surprise for Morgan. I will show her an amazing evening filled with great company, delicious food, and an awesome band that will make sure to play a few of our favorite songs from when we were a couple. If all goes well, it won’t be long until Morgan is once again mine for good.
Morgan
I can’t believe it has already been a month since I started working for Adrian. Sadly, that means another month has gone by without word from Drake. As I get more comfortable in my role here at Thompson, my days are filled with other things to preoccupy my thoughts than Drake. I wake more focused on my day ahead, my mind feeling sharp as I go through my day rather than the painful haze I’d been living in for the past couple months. I still think about Drake throughout my day as memories are triggered by events, or things I come across, but for the most part, I think my heart is healing.
I’m starting to feel happy again. Although my parents were strict in my upbringing, my life has always been filled with happiness. My mother always expected perfection from me, but my father also encouraged me to be a kid, when appropriate of course. He would take me to the park and push me on the swings, laughing in delight as I begged him to push me higher. Although our relationship was never made public while we were together, just being with Drake gave me the same face splitting smile and filled me with the same joy as when I was on the swings years ago. Only this time, it was Drake pushing me in life, encouraging me to find my joy.
I’m not sure why, but I’m a little nervous about Adrian giving me my performance review. It makes sense, seeing as though he hired me and I really don’t have a department head to answer to besides him. I think because I know him so well, having him critique my work might feel more personal than business. Either way, my thirty minutes of respite time are up, I might as well go and get this over with.
“Hello again,” Adrian smiles as he looks up from his computer. “Have a seat, Morgan. Thanks for doing this under such short notice.”
“No problem, I was just wrapping up a few things, where do we begin?”
“How about you start by telling me how you are getting along here at Thompson?” Adrian starts.
“I love it here, Adrian. I’m so grateful that you gave me this opportunity. Some of my accounts are more challenging than others, which is great because I love the diversity. I think I’m really hitting my stride here, but of course there is always more to learn.”
“I’m so glad to hear it. I think you’re hitting your stride as well. I’ve watched the way you interact with our clients, and you speak to them with such ease and confidence. You are really good at your job, and I have had very positive feedback from both our clients and your co-workers, so keep up the good work.”
“Thank you,” I say as a smile crosses my face. “I really appreciate it, Adrian.”
“You are so welcome, Morgan.”
“I mean it though. I really appreciate the positive feedback and praise. I’m not usually the type of person who needs praise to know they’ve done a good job. I enjoy working hard and having a purpose and let my work speak for its self. But right now, your words are making me feel the happiest I’ve felt in a while, so thank you Adrian, it really means a lot.” I say genuinely.
“I should be the one thanking you, Morgan. You have become such an asset to this company. I’m not the only one to notice either. I consistently receive emails and phone calls from clients, management, and other employees saying how great you are to work with and ask to personally work with you in the future. You keep thanking me for this opportunity, but I’m just glad you asked for it. Before HR reminded me that it was time for your review, I was thinking of ways to say thank you for the hard work without muddying the boss/friend waters. I wasn’t really able to come up with a way to thank you that would do justice what your presence here means to me. Instead, I have come up with two ways to thank you for your hard work. But you have to agree to one before you can have the other,” Adrian says with a smug grin.
“And what would that be?” I answer Adrian’s smug smile with a hesitant one.
“I’d like to invite you to dinner at the club tomorrow night to honor your first month here at Thompson,” Adrian takes a pause, looking me directly in the eyes for a moment before smiling even wider and continuing, “and to celebrate your raise.”
“What? Raise? Are you sure?”
“Yes of course I’m sure, Morgan. You deserve this raise. Like I said though, you have to agree to one in order to receive the other, so would you agree to dinner with me tomorrow night?”
“Dinner sounds wonderful, Adrian, thank you. I would love to join you. The raise though… are you sure you aren’t giving it to me undeservedly?” I feel guilty for asking that after Adrian has just been so generous, but I couldn’t accept a raise because of our history. That would be so wrong in so many ways.
“Morgan, you deserve this raise. Truthfully, accounting wouldn’t let me offer you what I had originally wanted to. Since you have started with this company, you have offered great insight as to how we can improve our bottom line and the deals you have done, or have in the works, stand to generate a great deal of income for Thompson as well. So please don’t think there are any ulterior motives in giving you this raise, Morgan, you’ve earned it.
“I know Baylor Industries was your first choice when graduating, and perhaps it makes the most sense for you to be working there, but I’m glad you’ve joined our company, regardless of what brought you here. I didn’t understand your need for a career and independence a few years ago, because I wanted to be the one to give you the world. I think I always will. But I understand now, and I know you’d like to earn the life you live for yourself, I just want you to know that in whatever way you see me in your life, I’d like to continue to support you and your dreams.”
“That means a lot. Thank you, Adrian, for everything, especially the support you have given me this past month. I value our friendship, my job, and everything else you have done for me. You are an amazing person to have in my life and I’m grateful. What time should I meet you for dinner tomorrow?” I ask.
“I’ll pick you up for dinner tomorrow, Morgan, be ready at 7pm sharp. Before I wrap this meeting up, is there anything you would like to add? Are there any ways you can see Thompson improving besides what you have already contributed?” Adrian asks.
“No, boss,” I smile, “everything’s perfect,” I say with a feeling for the first time in a long while that perhaps there is more than one meaning to my statement.
“Okay then, I think that should wrap our meeting up. Thanks again, Morgan, for your hard work. I look forward to dinner tomorrow,” Adrian says as he stands, signaling that it’s time for me to go.
“Me too, boss, thanks again,” I say, then turn to leave Adrian’s office.
****
I hate running late. It’s a huge pet peeve of mine. I like to live by the motto, “If you’re always early, you’re never late”. It makes perfect sense to me. Now I’m hating life as I’m about fifteen solid minutes from being walk out the door ready, and Adrian should be here in about five. That’s another thing I hate, making people wait. I guess those two go hand in hand.
I can’t help myself from feeling like this is a date. I kn
ow Adrian asked me to dinner tonight while in a professional setting so I should take it as such, but there was something about the way he smiled at me as he asked that made me think he is up to something. Which in our history together usually means he is. I spent most of my day trying to figure out if this really is a date and if so, what does that really mean? Adrian hasn’t been shy about the fact that he wants me back.
I never wanted to hurt Adrian when I ended things as college came to an end. Adrian has never been anything but wonderful to me. It was so sweet that he wanted me to move in with him and most likely start the rest of our lives together. As I sat across from him at one of the nicest restaurants near school what seems like an eternity ago, I knew in my heart that we were in two completely different places in our lives. Adrian was ready to settle down, and I was ready to finally start living.
As I reminisce about my past with Adrian today, I find myself daydreaming of the possibility of a future with him. When we were together I kind of figured we would eventually get married, but it was never anything I dreamed about. Girls meet the one they want to spend their forever with and all they do is plan, and dream, and obsess over wedding themes and bridal gown trends. It was never like that with Adrian. It always seemed sort of…planned. Our parents loved the idea of us as a couple. They in turn became great friends and still are to this day. We come from similar upbringings, moral codes and value systems, so I guess it just always made sense. I don’t want to be with someone who I just make sense with though. I want to be with someone who I can’t be without. For me that person will always be Drake. It still surprises me that I’ve been able to live without him for so long, although there have been days where I wasn’t sure I’d go on.
