The next couple of months were hard, having to attend the funeral and learning how to go on without Zeke. Things were starting to get better though. It’s gradual, but what do you expect? Zane and I started to hang out more. We leaned on each other to help with the loss we both shared. Losing Zeke was devastating for both of us, but I think in the end it brought us closer. We started hanging out every day after school; tossing the football around, talking about my drawings and the bike he wanted to buy for his upcoming birthday, and going out on the town. Zane become my best friend, and we forged an unbreakable bond.
After he finishes his senior year in a couple months, he will be going to the University of Texas like he and Zeke always talked about. I’m going to miss him a lot, but I’m so happy that he will be living out their dream. He seems more at peace with his decision to go to college since he went back for a tour a couple weeks ago.
***
I just finished with Zane’s graduation present and plan on giving it to him tonight. I’m so nervous to give it to him, not sure what he will think. After his brother died, I decided I wanted to draw something sort of as a memorial for him. Zeke always liked my drawings, so doing this for Zane just seemed right. And since he turned 18 and has been talking about getting a tattoo, I decided to draw something for him to use as a design for a tattoo.
I wanted to draw something that I could incorporate his brother into. So I did some research and came up with an idea; it would be mostly a military memorial, but with a little twist. I drew the boots, rifle, and helmet for the memorial. Then I added the Texas Longhorns symbol on one side, and a motorcycle on the other. I figured since they both wanted to play football together and loved motorcycles, it would be the perfect combination. Then on the top in big block letters I wrote He Gave His Life For Me… And on then on the bottom I Live, Play & Ride For Him.
Tonight is the party for all the seniors who graduated this year. I have an hour before Zane will be ready to go, so I jump in the shower to wash my hair and shave my legs. After I dry myself off, I go over to my closet to figure out what to wear. I decide to go with my favorite pair of jeans. They are old and faded but they fit me perfectly and are comfortable. I throw on a plain white tank top that shows just a hint of my midriff, then complete it with my cowboy boots. I don’t have time to do anything with my hair, so I just throw it up into a messy bun and call it good. I’ll add just a bit of makeup, and I’ll be good to go.
Just as I’m finishing with my mascara, I hear Zane honk his horn outside. I grab the folder with the tattoo sketch in it, and run down the stairs. I stop to give my grandmother a kiss and tell her I’ll be back later. She looks up from her book and gives me a tired smile. “Have fun and be safe.” I force a smile and ask, “Are you feeling ok Gram?” She looks so worn out. She is barely able to get around anymore. “I’m fine sweetheart, just tired. I’m going to go to bed early. Don’t you worry about me.” She gets up and starts to head for her room. “Ok Gram. I love you!” I tell her as I head outside.
Zane is waiting for me in his driveway. I take a good look at him, and holy shit does he look good. He’s wearing his favorite black boots, an old pair of faded jeans that have tears in the knees, a black t-shirt, and the cap I got him for his birthday, on backwards. His dark brown hair is cut so short that it’s hidden by the hat. His green eyes that are so deep they almost look gray sparkle with mirth. Add his signature smirk, and damn that boy is H.O.T. “Hey baby girl!” he says as I run up and give him a hug. He’s been calling me baby girl for the last couple months. I’m not sure why he does it since I’m sixteen now, but I like it anyway.
“Looking good college boy!” I tell him with a smile and give him a wink. He just laughs at me and opens the passenger door. “Just get in the truck smartass. I want to get there before all the beer is gone.” I slide into the truck and wait for him to walk around to his side. Once he’s in, he starts the truck and cranks up the music.
***
We pull into the field by the lake a little after seven. There are a lot of people here already, but I guess I shouldn’t be surprised since Zane was the most popular guy in the senior class. Star quarterback on our football team, champion for the last three years in wrestling, and he was also nominated Prom King this year.
We head over to where his friends from the football team are all standing around the keg. Most of them are seniors like Zane. There are a couple that will be taking their place next year, but I don’t really recognize them except for a guy I know whose name is Jaxon. Someone hands Zane a red solo cup filled with beer, which he passes over to me. Now that’s what I call service! I smile at him and start to walk away to see who I can find to sit with while he talks with his buddies. Before I even get a couple steps away, someone is pulling me back by the waist. “Where do you think you’re going beautiful?” I recognize the voice as Zane’s best friend – Kolby.
“Well, I was going to go find a place to sit down and drink my beer away from you circus clowns,” I tell him with a laugh, and go to remove his hands so I can get away. “Oh, come on, at least have a drink with us first. It is our party ya know.” I turn around to look at him and then over to Zane. At first when I glance at his face, he’s staring at where Kolby’s hands are around my waist with a look of utter hatred. But before I can really study the look to make sure I’m seeing it right, he looks up at me and puts on his trademark smirk and winks at me. “Fine, I’ll have one drink with you guys, then I’m going to see if I can find some girls to hang with.” I look back over at Kolby who is holding his hand over his heart, “You wound me babe!” Whatever. I lift up my cup and say cheers to them all.
After finishing my drink with the guys, I get myself a refill then head off to see who’s here. I spot Becca, Leanne and Tori over by the lake sitting around a small fire. I pull up a chair and sit by Tori. “Hello ladies!” I say with a smile. We aren’t close friends by any means, but they are usually the ones I hang out with at these parties. They are seniors this year as well, so if I decide to come to any parties after this year, I’ll have to figure out who I’ll hang out with.
After chatting with them and nursing my drink for an hour, I head over to the keg for another refill. As I’m filling my cup, Zane comes over holding a brown paper bag. “How about we break out the good stuff. What do ya say baby girl?” I drop my eyes down to the bag, then back up at him. I tip my full beer up to my lips, and chug the whole thing. “Abso-fucking-lutley!” I yell.
He pours us each a shot, then we hold our cups up in the air. “To Zeke,” He says. I share a sad smile with him and clink my plastic cup with his. “To Zeke,” I reply. We down the shot, then fill it with another. “To new beginnings,” he says for his next toast. “To college boys,” I say next with a laugh when he gives me a look that says “Really?” Then we down that shot too.
We spend the rest of the night drinking the bottle of Jack Daniels, and sharing our good times we had with Zeke and our plans for the future. When the bottle is empty and the keg is gone, we head back to his truck. Once inside, we sit there trying to sober up a bit before heading home. We’re just staring out into the night and listening to music from the radio. Tonight was so much fun. I’m really going to miss him when he leaves.
“Thank you for tonight Zane! I think that was the most fun I’ve had in a long time. I don’t know what I’m going to do when you leave,” I tell him after a couple minutes of silence.
“I’m glad you had a good time baby girl. And don’t worry, I’ll be back.” He says as he turns and looks at me. I flinch a little at his last words, remembering when his brother said that exact same thing before he left. It never happened the last time I heard someone say that, but I’m hoping this time will be different. Zane will come back to me. At least I really hope he does.
“You’re gram is going to be so pissed,” he says after a while. I laugh and tell him, “Nah, she told me to have a good time. She knows you’re leaving soon, and since I don’t go out much anyway, she wanted me t
o get out of the house and have fun.” After the words leave my mouth, he just stares at me. I can’t look away. I feel like I’m under a spell right now. There’s something about the way he’s looking at me that is making my head spin.
I shake my head and look away. What was that? It felt like I was floating, as if I couldn’t breathe. I hear him clear his throat, then he puts the truck into gear. “I better get you home.” I don’t want to leave, I want to stay here in this moment forever. It feels almost perfect, but it scares me too. I have no idea what I’m feeling right now, but it almost feels more than just the brother/sister/best friend bond we have had for the past couple years. Like my feelings for him are growing.
He pulls up into his driveway, so I get out to walk over to my house. When I’m almost to the porch, I turn around. “Oh, hey! I can’t believe I forgot to give this to you.” I pull the folder out of my purse that holds my drawing and walk up to hand it to him.
I watch his face as he opens the folder. He just stares at it for the longest time. “It’s for a tattoo. I thought it would be something you could get, sort of as a memorial for Zeke,” I whisper with a small smile on my face. I’m so afraid that I did a horrible job and he’ll hate it.
After about a minute of him not saying anything, I start to get uncomfortable and feel worried. Maybe I should take it back so he doesn’t feel like he has to take it. I shouldn’t have given him anything that would make him remember he lost his brother. I should have drawn something different or given him something else.
Finally, he looks up at me and a blinding smile takes over his whole face. Wow…just wow. He is so beautiful. That smile, it’s like I just told him he won the lottery. I look away because it’s just too much. “Its amazing baby girl, I love it,” he says. Then he walks over and tips my face up to look up at him. “You’re amazing. Thank you for making this for me.” Oh my god, I think I’m going to pass out. He’s so close, and he’s touching me. The way he’s looking at me is like I hung the moon for him or something and it’s making me feel crazy things. It’s like I have a swarm of bees in my stomach.
I step out of his reach and look away again. “You’re welcome. I thought it would be something you might like,” I say with a shy smile. I look in his eyes for a second and then start walking backwards. “Well, thanks again for tonight. I’ll see ya later.” I give him a little wave and jog up to my porch.
Once in my room, I quickly undress and jump into bed. I lie there thinking about the night. I go over every detail, the fun we had, the way he touched me, and the feelings I got when it seemed like he was staring into my soul. Just as I’m on the verge of sleep, a thought passes through my head.
I think I’m falling in love with Zane Hendricks.
In my dreams, I’m with Zane on his motorcycle. I’m pressed up against his back with my arms wound tightly around his stomach and my thighs are squeezing his hips. I can feel the vibrations from the bike underneath me, and his hard abdominal muscles under my hands. It feels so real and natural, like I was meant to be here with him like this.
He pulls over by the lake; then suddenly it’s dark and the moon is shining brightly over the water. He reaches back and pulls me over his leg so I’m straddling him on the bike. I should be nervous or stop him, but it just feels so right, like we’ve done this exact thing a million times.
I look into his eyes and I see not just his love for me as a friend, but something new, something that builds a fire deep down inside me. I lift my hand and run it along his jaw. “I love you Zane.” It comes out smooth, almost as if I’ve said it to him before. He looks deeply into my eyes, like he’s searching for something.
Then, suddenly in the distance, thunder booms and lightning flashes. It scares me so bad, I jump in his lap. I look off into the distance and see a storm brewing. I turn back to tell him we should go, but when I do, he’s not my Zane anymore. He’s this hardened version of himself, and he’s looking at me with such contempt and hatred that it almost makes me fall backwards off of him and the bike. I get to my feet in front of him, and go to reach out, but he just turns his head in disgust. He turns the bike around, and leaves me there, alone.
It starts raining, and I hit my knees and reach out my arms to him like it will make him come back. “ZANE! Come back! I love you! I need you, please don’t leave me!” But he doesn’t even look back and then he’s gone completely from my sight.
I gasp and sit up in bed. I can’t breathe and my body is trembling so hard you can almost hear my bed shaking. My clothes are sticking to my skin, soaked from my sweat. What the fuck was that?
I’m so far in my head, I barely register that someone is walking up the stairs. It can’t be Gram; she hasn’t climbed these stairs in years. Then there’s a knock at my bedroom door. “Baby girl, you awake?” Zane. What the hell is he doing here?
“Um…yeah, just give me a minute.” I jump out of bed and toss my drenched clothes on the floor, then slip into a pair of yoga Capri pants and a sweatshirt. “Uh, you can come in now.” I sit back on my bed with my arms wrapped around my knees and wait for him to walk through the door. When he opens the door, he looks around my room and then his eyes land on me.
“I didn’t wake you did I?” he asks with a sexy smirk on his face. “No, um, I’ve been up for a while. What are you doing here?” I look at him and then lower my eyes. I can’t look at him, all I can see is the face I saw in my dream, the one before his face hardened. “Well, its past lunch time but I was wondering if you wanted to go get some breakfast with me.” He wiggles his eyebrows at me.
He comes over and sits on my bed. I’m suddenly nervous, even though I shouldn’t be. I mean, he’s been in my room with me numerous times before. We’ve even laid in my bed and he’s held me while I’ve slept. Why does it feel so different today? Oh yeah, maybe because last night I figured out I’m falling for him. “Um…I should really stay here. Gram wasn’t looking well last night.” Please don’t question me, please don’t make this into a big deal. Just walk away Zane, just walk away.
“Oh no. I talked to Gram when I got here and she said she must have just been tired last night, but she feels fine now. She said I should drag you out of your bed if I have to. So come on, get outta bed. I’m hungry and I’m not taking no for an answer. End of discussion.” He gets up and strides to the door. Before he walks out, he glances over his shoulder. “If you aren’t downstairs in 5 minutes, I’m coming back up here. And trust me, it will not be pleasant. For you anyway.” He mumbles the last part and I almost don’t catch it. Then he walks out of my room and I can hear him whistling as he goes down the stairs.
Well shit! This is just what I need today, hanging out with him after last night and that fucked up dream I had. But I know how stubborn he is when he has his mind set on something. I quickly get up to get dressed and figure if I just go and get it over with, the sooner I can come back home to try and figure out what the hell I’m feeling.
I head down the stairs, stop to give my grandmother a kiss, and head out the door with Zane not far behind me. He walks over to his bike, hops on, and hands me my helmet. This just isn’t my day. Of course we would have to ride his bike after the dream I had.
On the way to the diner I try to figure out what the hell is going on with me. Could I really be falling for him? I mean, we have always been close, like brother and sister. But after last night, it’s almost like there is a shift in our relationship. Or maybe it was just me and all the alcohol I consumed at the party last night. Maybe I just need to stop thinking so much and forget about it.
***
The past month has flown by and has been really stressful. Time has been filled with softball practice and games, and spending as much time as I can with Zane. At the same time I’ve been going back and forth in my head on whether to keep distance between him and me or to just continue on like I didn’t have that mind numbing epiphany the night of the party. Not only is it stressful but it’s exhausting, both physically and mentally. I just don’t know
what is going on with me. I can’t get it out of my head that there was a shift in our relationship, but I can’t put my finger on it. We could just be evolving in our relationship because he is going away and I’m getting older. Or what I fear the most, I’m actually falling in love with him. I just don’t know what I would do if that is the case; there is no way he returns those feelings, and I don’t want to lose him as a friend by bringing up that I may feel more for him than just friendship.
On top of all of that, my grandmother hasn’t been herself since she got back from one of her doctor appointments a couple weeks ago. It seems like she is always sleeping. Today I even found her asleep in her recliner. I’m trying to get her to make another appointment with Dr. Tatum, but she says there is nothing wrong with her but old age. I don’t believe her, but what else can I do? My biggest fear is that I’m losing her, that it’s been too hard on her taking care of me for the past thirteen years.
I’m in the middle of cooking some soup for my grandmother since she hasn’t been getting around well and I want to make sure that she is at least eating, when the doorbell rings. I go to the front door to see who its. When I look through the curtain, I see Zane on the other side. When he sees me looking at him, he makes a funny face at me which makes me laugh. I open the door and head back into the kitchen. “Hey, I’m just making Gram some soup. Ya want some?” I ask when we get to the kitchen.
“You know I can’t pass up food when you’re cooking baby girl.” That makes me laugh even harder because he and I both know that I’m a crappy cook. I’m only cooking because I feel I have to for my grandmother’s sake. “Ha ha, you’re so funny. One day my cooking skills will be amazing, and you won’t get any!” I say and then stick my tongue out at him, loving the way he can make me forget all that has been getting me down with just a few simple words.
Rewriting Destiny Page 2
