After I take my grandmother her lunch, I sit at the table with Zane sitting across from me. “So what’s up?” I ask him. He’s been coming over every day for the past week to see if I want to hang out, but I haven’t wanted to leave my grandmother. “I was thinking about going swimming at the lake and wanted you to come with,” he tells me. Swimming does sound fun, and with today feeling like it’s going to be the hottest day in recorded history, it would feel amazing to have a dip in the lake to cool off. “Oh my God, that sounds amazing! Who’s all going?” I get up to put my empty bowl in the sink and turn back towards him.
“Just you and me. I asked Kolby if he wanted to go, but he’s busy finishing up some last minute things before he leaves for California in a couple weeks.” Whoa, what? I thought Kolby was going with Zane and a couple others to the University of Texas. Zane must have read my mind because he says, “Yeah, he was going to come with me, but I guess his dad really wanted him to go to California. Says he wants him to follow in his footsteps, or some shit like that.”
“Well, let me just check in with Gram quick and then I’ll go put my swimsuit on. I’ll meet you outside in say 20 minutes?” He stands up and walks over to me. “Sounds good baby girl.” I follow him to the door, but he stops abruptly which causes me to almost run into him. He reaches out to steady me. “Did you forget something?” I ask, not sure why he stopped. “Yeah. I forgot to tell you to wear your red suit,” he says with a smirk.
Why would he say that? And not only did he just say that to me, but he’s also still holding onto my waist from when he steadied me. And his hands aren’t just on my waist for balance anymore, his thumb has worked my shirt up a little in the back and it’s now caressing the skin that he exposed. Add that to the way he is looking at me, like he’s just been told he’s on death row and I’m his last meal. My head is spinning out of control and I have to reach out to steady myself.
I’m speechless. I mean, what the hell do you say to that? He must realize that he caught me off guard, because he quickly adds, “I mean it’s a perfect day to catch a tan, right?” If he only knew how badly I wanted to wear my bikini for him. Then have him slowly strip it off my body.
Dammit! So much for trying to get over what I thought I was feeling that night of the graduation party. My feelings for him seem to just grow stronger each day, and he’s not helping by doing things like this. It’s like falling in love with him is just inevitable, like it’s a part of my destiny. But would he return my feelings? It could be my destiny to fall for him, but what if fate and destiny are teaming up again to be stupid cunts and he won’t feel the same way for me. What if he’s the only person I’ll ever love but he’ll never be mine?
I wonder what he would do if I just jumped him? Would he catch me and meet me in the middle for a steamy kiss? Or would he reject me? Sometimes I swear the way he looks at me that he wants me too. Or maybe I’m reading way too much into it. I could be wrong. Maybe this is how friends act? It’s not like I have an abundance of friends to base this on, and I don’t have a lot of experience with guys and flirting either. Shit, I’m so out of my league here!
I don’t know what to do. I want him, but, at the same time, I don’t want to want him. There’s also that little fact that he leaves in a month for college, and I still have two years left of high school. And I know when he gets to college, there will be parties and lots of girls that would probably do anything to have him. Let’s face it, I know I don’t have any experience when it comes to sex, but Zane is no saint. I know he’s slept with at least two girls, but probably even more than that. So if it came down to it and he felt the same way, would he be faithful or would a relationship with him be doomed right from the start?
I feel his hand stroke my cheek. “You still with me?” I shake my head to clear my thoughts and say, “Uh yeah… I-I’m good, I’ll see you in a few.” I nervously laugh and push him out the door. I have no idea if he was just messing with me or not, but maybe I should wear the red bikini and see how he reacts. Who knows, maybe he’ll make a move and I won’t even have to think about it. God, I hope he does, because if he teases me anymore I’m going to combust. Wait, stop! He’s leaving in a month. Just forget about it Danielle, it’s never going to happen! But I’m still going to wear my red bikini, not because he told me to, but because it just so happens to be my favorite one.
I head over to my grandmother’s room to check on her and to let her know I’m leaving with Zane. When I walk in her room, I see that she barely touched her soup and that she is sleeping. I don’t want to wake her, so I write a quick note to tell her I’ll be back later.
I walk in my bedroom and hunt for my bikini. I quickly put it on, then throw on a pair of cut off jean shorts. I forgo a shirt since it’s so fucking hot out and grab my beach towel and sunscreen and put my flip flops on. I take a quick look in the mirror, put my hair in a loose side braid and head out to meet Zane by his truck.
He’s already waiting for me when I get outside. Holy shit, he’s not wearing a shirt! He’s wearing his aviator sunglasses, black swim trunks, and black flip flops. Yum! I just want to lick him all over. I swear, I’ve never fantasized about any guy, ever, until last month. Now my thoughts are consumed with all things Zane. Since I’m still holding onto my v-card I don’t know a lot about sex or what other people fantasize about, but I’ve read a lot of books. And if you had someone as sexy as Zane as your focus, your imagination would go wild too.
I walk up to him and throw my sunglasses over my eyes. I don’t want him to be able to see what he does to me. I’m sure my cheeks are bright red, but I can blame that on the heat. “I can’t wait to get in the water and cool down,” I say as we walk down the driveway towards his truck. But when I get to the door, instead of opening it for me like he usually does, he just turns around and rushes over to his side. I jump in and roll the window down. It takes him a little longer than it should to get in, but once he does, he doesn’t look at me or say anything. He just starts the truck and takes off. Well, I guess I can see how today is going to go…
Once we arrive at the lake, we both get out and head over to the spot we always set up with our stuff. I lay my blanket down and unbutton my shorts. I figure I’ll lay out for a bit before going for a swim. Just as I’m pulling my pants down, Zane gives me a look that is both lustful and angry. “What the hell are you doing?” What? “Um… I’m taking my shorts off so I can lay out before taking a dip in the lake.” He literally growls at me and takes off at a fast pace to the lake. That was weird and uncomfortable. What the hell did he think I was doing?
Not sure what his deal is, but not wanting to piss him off more, I just lie down and close my eyes. Something must have happened since he asked me to go to the lake because the way he is acting now just doesn’t add up. He never takes anything out on me or carries over any attitude, so I guess with everything he has going on he is probably just having a bad day. Hopefully relaxing in the sun and swimming will take his mind off of whatever is bothering him.
About twenty minutes later, he comes back over, dripping wet. I crack one eye open and see he is just staring down at me. His face is a hard mask and I can’t read his eyes because of his sunglasses. I lean up on my elbows and stare right back at him. “You ready to go?” His voice is ice cold. We haven’t been here nearly as long as we usually stay, so I’m not sure why he wants to leave already. “What’s the rush?” I ask, hoping he loses the attitude or at least opens up to me about what’s going on with him.
“I forgot I have some things to do before the party tonight. Let’s go.” He doesn’t even wait for my reply, just grabs his stuff and heads to his truck. Well, so much for taking a swim. I get up and slip my shorts back on, and catch up with him. “Are you ok?” I just can’t piece this together. Even if something happened before we left, he has never taken his shit out on me. “Yeah, I’m just fuckin’ peachy.” His reply has a hint of sarcasm but is overflowing with anger. I should just let this go, but for some reason I can’t.
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“Ya know, if you didn’t want me to come to the lake with you, you should have just said so. There’s no reason you need to be an ass,” I throw back at him as I jump in the truck. Now I’m pissed as well and that’s never a good combination; we always butt heads because we both like having the last word when we’re upset. Today he doesn’t have a comeback, which suits me fine. He can brood all he wants for all I care. We don’t talk on the way home and by the time we make it back to my house, I know something is seriously wrong. I just wish he would talk to me. The silent treatment bothers me more than the attitude he was throwing at me earlier. I wish he’d talk to me about it instead of just stewing and letting it get to him more.
I barely say goodbye to Zane when we pull up to my house because he seems to be thinking the same thing I am, make a hasty retreat. I have no clue what that was today. When he came over this afternoon to ask if I wanted to go with him to the lake, I thought for sure we would have a good time. And let’s not forget that comment he made about my swimsuit.
I walk into the house and head straight up to my room. I know I shouldn’t sit and nitpick over what happened at the lake, but I just can’t help it. With everything that has happened since the graduation party, things just keep getting more strained between Zane and me. If it isn’t me worrying about my feelings for him growing into something more than friendship, then it’s him acting really strange. When he doesn’t think I’m looking, I catch him looking at me in weird ways. I can’t describe the looks or even figure out what they mean. One thing I know for sure, things are changing between us. I just hope it’s not for the worse.
Since it’s the weekend before Zane leaves for college, there is a huge party tonight, sort of like a going away party I guess. I’m not really excited about going, but want to be there and spend as much time with him as I can. Hopefully his attitude will be better tonight. I hate where we are right now in our relationship. I just want to have my best friend back.
I almost want to say something to him, try to get him to tell me what is going on. I don’t want to mention my feelings for him, but just that things have seemed a little weird between us lately and I want to fix it. It’s bad enough that he will be leaving for college in a matter of days, but if he leaves without us fixing our friendship, I fear I will lose him forever.
I’ll just have to see what tonight brings. It should be easy for me to sit down and talk with him at the party, and the fact that there will be an unlimited supply of alcohol should make things easier. That will loosen us both up, and we can both talk freely. Then we can take it from there, and hopefully come out the other side with our friendship stronger than ever.
***
I’m not really in the mood to dress up too much tonight. I’m strung too tight not knowing what’s going on with Zane and me, so I just throw on a black tank top that is tight and shows about an inch of my midriff and some skinny jeans. I put my hair in a loose side braid, add some light make-up and I’m ready to go.
I grab my phone and put it in my back pocket, then head down the stairs to say goodbye to my grandmother. “Bye Gram, I’ll see you in the morning.” I give her a quick kiss on the forehead and walk to the door.
When I get outside, Zane isn’t waiting by his truck like he usually is, so I head over to his house and knock on the door. After a couple of seconds, Mrs. Hendricks answers. “Oh, hello Danielle. Are you looking for Zane?” she asks me. “Yeah, is he ready to leave yet?”
She gives me a sad smile. “I’m sorry honey. He left about fifteen minutes ago. Were you supposed to ride with him?” Wait, what? Who did he leave with, because his truck is still on the street and he would never ride his motorcycle to a party. “Oh, um…. Yeah, I thought he said he wanted me to ride over with him.” I frown, not sure what to do. “Oh, well he didn’t say anything to me before he left. He just ran out the door when a car pulled up outside.” Looks like I’ll be driving myself tonight. Great. “That’s ok Mrs. Hendricks, I can drive myself. Have a good night.” I turn around and walk back over to my house.
I don’t understand why he would leave without me and to not even say anything to me about riding with someone, even if it was last minute. We always ride together to parties, so I’m not sure why he thought this one would be any different. I walk to my car and hop in. Once I get to this party, I’m going to find him and we are going to have words. I’m going to settle this, even if the outcome isn’t what I want.
***
When I get to the party, I walk over to the keg since that is usually where he is. I see some of his friends, but no Zane. I know he’s already here because he left before me. Maybe he’s over by the bonfire? I grab a beer then head that way.
When I get to the fire pit, I look around to see if I can find him. Nothing. Where the hell would he be? Oh well, I’m not going to walk around all night searching for him; I’ll run into him at some point.
I finish my first beer quickly and head in the direction of the keg for a refill and to see if I can find a bottle of something stronger. I have a feeling I’m going to need it tonight.
I pass a couple parked cars and I’m stopped momentarily by what sounds like a girl moaning. Holy shit! Is someone really having sex out here in the open where anyone can walk by and see? I don’t care how horny I was, I don’t think I could ever have sex in public or a place that someone could possibly see or hear. That would be embarrassing; I wouldn’t be able to show my face in this town for a long time.
I start walking again to get away from the show before someone sees me, but as I get past the next car, I see where the show is taking place. Some chick is pressed against a truck with her legs wrapped around the guy’s hips. She has her head thrown back, eyes closed and has a look of pure ecstasy on her face. Her arms are around the guy’s neck holding his face against her throat. He looks to be devouring her while his hips are rocking forcefully into her.
I can’t look away. I know I should be disgusted or embarrassed on behalf of them, not turned on by this, but holy shit is that hot. They both must be near their release, because the girl starts moaning louder and the guy is pumping into her faster and with more force than before. You can hear his own moans and grunts every time he drives into her. I really need to walk away before they finish and catch me watching.
I take a step back so I can take a different route to the keg when I hear her scream in completion, “Oh God Zane, yes! YES!” Oh. My. Fucking. God. She was fucking Zane? I just watched him fuck some chick up against a truck? I can’t believe this. To top it off, I wanted to watch and listen thinking it was hot. I feel like my world just came crashing down around me in less than ten seconds. I need to get out of here, but my legs won’t move. I can’t believe what I just saw. I feel like I can’t breathe. I mean I knew he wasn’t a saint, but to witness that shit first hand? I think my heart just broke into a million pieces and it’ll never be fully whole again. It is painfully obviously now; I’m in love with him. If I weren’t, I don’t think it would hurt this bad.
I finally get control of my legs to walk away hopefully unnoticed, but it’s too late. Just as I’m starting to turn away, they step out from where the cars are parked and are right in front of me. The girl sees me first and gives me a satisfied smile. Then Zane looks up from buttoning his jeans and his eyes land on me. I quickly try and school my emotions so he doesn’t know that I witnessed their sexcapades.
“Baby girl, when did you get here?” he asks’ nervously, though I can’t fathom why. Even if he knew I had front row seats to the show that they both just starred in, he would have no reason to be nervous. Embarrassed, yes. “Um…H-hey. I just got here and was on my way to get a beer. I’ll see you later.” I quickly walk away before he can say anything else. I don’t know what he would say, but I just couldn’t stand there anymore and look at the two looking freshly fucked.
When I get to the keg, I fill my cup and chug the whole thing. I’ve been such a fool. Even knowing that Zane could never see me the way I see him, I c
ould have never prepared for the gut-wrenching pain that I’m experiencing now. It’s not like we are dating and I doubt he even knows how I feel, but fuck, I still don’t want to think about him being with another girl, let alone to fucking see it with my own eyes.
I fill my cup again and then I head over to the picnic table that holds various bottles of hard liquor. I don’t see a bottle of Jack, but there is a full bottle of vodka. Fuck it. It’s not normally my choice of drink, but it will have to do tonight. People may be pissed with me for taking the whole thing, but they can kiss my ass. I think I need it more than they do. I need to erase these pictures I have in my head of the two of them fucking. It’s just too much to handle, it hurts so fucking bad.
I find a log close to the lake and take a seat. I just need to be alone right now. I have to get my emotions in check before I face Zane again tonight. I refuse to let him see how much this is tearing me up inside. I have no claim on him but I had just realized that I want him in ways I never dreamed of wanting him, so seeing him intimately with some chick cuts me deep.
I drink the vodka slowly and sit quietly under the serenity of the moon and stars. It’s a full moon tonight and the sky is clear so you can see all the stars. The vodka doesn’t burn as much as Jack Daniels, but I know it will fuck me up fast if I don’t drink slowly. I have to make this bottle last a while anyway because I’m not ready to go back to the party.
By the time I feel like I can head back, the bottle is more than half gone. I am definitely feeling the effects of the liquor. I want to continue drinking the vodka, but I know I need to stop so I don’t pass out or get sick, so I’ll just switch to beer. That should allow me to keep the buzz but ensure I don’t puke either.
I set the bottle of vodka on the table and grab a new cup for my beer. Then I walk over to the bonfire to sit in an empty seat by some guy I’ve never seen before. He tells me his name is Gunnar and that he will be a senior this year. He just moved here from Florida and will be attending my school. He is tall, tanned, and gorgeous, just not as hot as Zane. He has hair so dark it almost looks black and he has it cropped really short. His eyes are a deep blue, he has a chiseled jaw and a sexy smile. And the best part; he seems to like me.
Rewriting Destiny Page 3
