Rewriting Destiny

by Shelly Morgan

  It takes me forever to finally compose myself again before I sit up. “I love it Gram. Thank you.” Words cannot express how much I love this woman and what she has done for me. I will forever be thankful to have her in my life. I start to say she didn’t have to get me anything when the doorbell rings. “That must be Jax,” I say with a sigh. I don’t even try to ask her if she wants me to stay home because I know she already has her mind set that I need to go out and have fun. It’s a day of celebration in her eyes. “Go have fun Danielle. I love you so much, I hope you know that.” I lean down to give her a kiss on the cheek and walk towards the door. “I love you too Gram. I’ll see you tomorrow.” As I walk out her door, I hear her say, “Goodbye sweetheart.”

  I put on my new necklace on my way to the door. Once I have it hooked, I make sure I have my purse and walk out. “All rea –Whoa, you ok?” Jaxon asks me once he gets a good look at my face. I forgot I had been crying just a few minutes ago. I wipe under my eyes and find black smudges on my fingers when I pull them away. Great. “Yeah, I’m good.” I add a little smile and we walk to his truck.

  Once inside, I pull the visor down to look in the mirror. My face isn’t as bad as I thought it would be, just a few smudges and my eyes are a little puffy. Nothing I can’t fix. He takes one last look in my direction before putting the truck in drive and starts driving toward the lake. He doesn’t try to start up conversation with me which I am grateful for.

  Before I know it, we are at the party and getting out of the truck. “Alright, let the party begin!” He takes my hand and we walk to the keg.

  ***

  We have been at this stupid party for just over two hours, and every minute of it I have spent sipping my beer and trying to come up with a way to skip out. I just want to be home, in my bed, thinking about my life and where I go from here. Without Zane in my life, I really don’t know where that is. Yes, it wasn’t like I had him as a huge part of my plan anyway, but he was still there as my friend. Now, all of that is gone. I need to get over it and come up with a way to get on with my life without him in it.

  I bring my cup up to my lips. Empty. I get up and head over to the keg to get a refill. I haven’t touched any of the bottles because I don’t plan on staying long. I’m just trying to pass the time by sipping a couple of beers, make it look like I’m having a good time, then tell Jaxon that I am ready to go. If he doesn’t want to leave, then I’ll find a ride home from someone else. There has to be someone here that will be leaving early, and if not, I’ll just bribe someone.

  Just as I get my cup under the nozzle of the keg, I’m being lifted up from behind and twirled around towards a table off to one side that wasn’t there earlier. “Put me down!” I yell at whoever is holding me. I don’t care who it is as long as they put me down. They don’t say anything, but they do put me down as soon as we make it to the table. Before I can turn around and yell, I feel hands on my shoulders pushing me down onto one of the chairs that surround the table. This person is really asking for it. I’m in no mood to be here, let alone be manhandled.

  I open my mouth to give this person a piece of my mind when Jaxon walks out from behind me to sit in the chair next to mine. I should have known it was him. Instead of voicing my outrage, I just level him with a look that says it all; I’m pissed. You know that saying “if looks could kill”? Yeah, I was giving him one of those looks. But not only would he be dead, but scorched and in ashes right now. “Oh calm down and stop giving me that look. We have been here for a couple of hours and you have only had what, maybe three drinks, and barely said ten words. I don’t care if I have to suffer your wrath for an eternity, you are going to sit here, play drinking games and you will have fun. Do you understand me?” So this is how he’s going to play it? I want to hand him an ass kicking, but decide to go another route.

  “Fine. I’ll make you a deal.” He gives me a look that says there is no deal in the world that he will make with me tonight, but he stays quiet to hear me out. Smart guy. “I will drink, play stupid games, and be sociable. I will honest to God try to have a good time. But if in two hours I still want to go home, you have to either take me or not stop me from leaving. Deal?” There is no way that even after two hours of trying to let loose and have a good time that I will want to stay longer. Sure, I can drink with the best of them. Zane taught me that, but I haven’t been sociable in so long that I doubt tonight will be any different. But because Jaxon is my friend and he is making an effort to try and lighten my mood, I will try.

  “Fine, deal, but you better try 110%, otherwise the deal is off and you go home when I do.” Like he would know if I’m really putting all my effort into it or not. According to him, we will be playing drinking games, so the more we play, the less observant he will be. “Ok, I will give it my all, but at the end, you have to keep your word if I say I want to leave. No matter how wasted and upset you are.” He nods, grabs the stack of cards on the table and starts shuffling. “Ok, we will start with beer, but we’ll work our way up to Jack.” I have no idea what we are playing, but drinking games can’t be that hard, right? Even if I lose, it’s still a good thing for me because I can handle any kind of alcohol.

  “We’ll start off with Fubar.” As he starts telling me how the game is played, four guys join us at the table; Marc, Heath, Robbie and Jon. I don’t know if Jaxon told them that we were going to be playing or if they just noticed that a game was about to start. Doesn’t matter either way. The more people playing, the less I’ll have to interact. Though I will have to jump into the conversations to show the effort I’m making to have a good time, the others should distract Jaxon so that he won’t notice me too much.

  Two hours later, we have played Fubar, Never Have I Ever, High/Low, and are now just getting ready to play Paranoia. They said that this is the best game, especially after everyone has a good number of drinks in their system. I have had more to drink than I could keep track of, and surprisingly, I am having somewhat of a good time. I still want to go home, but I’m no longer sorry I came.

  “So…” Jaxon says smugly, knowing I’ve had a good time. He’s had quite a bit to drink but he is holding his own. I thought for sure that he would be slurring and forget about me by now, but he has kept me involved and succeeded in helping me relax. “Yes, you were right. I did have fun.” He starts to say something, probably “I told you so,” or some other bullshit, but I hold my hand out to stop him. “But…I do still want to go home. I’m glad I came but I just want this day to be over. I’m sorry.” He looks a little disappointed, but I see understanding in his eyes. “Ok, I respect that, but would you at least just play this last game with us and then we’ll go.” What’s another half hour anyway? “Sure. How do you play it again?”

  He tells me the rules again. You take turns whispering a question into someone’s ear and they have to answer it with the name of a person in the group. You have to ask a general question about the people in the group who are playing, like “Who is the hottest person here?” and they have to say the name out loud. The part the makes it fun is that the person named has to drink and then gets to flip a coin that decides whether the questioner has to reveal what the question was. This could get very personal and interesting. I thought Never Have I Ever was bad, but this could get ugly.

  Since I’m the only girl at the table, I’m guessing that my name could be mentioned quite a bit, but I don’t usually care what people think of me, so I doubt I will get very “paranoid.”

  As it turns out, my name has only been mentioned twice, and I haven’t cared when I flipped the coin to have them say the question out loud. Everyone else has seemed to really want to know what people think of them, especially when I say their name. It’s really funny. They now know who in the group I consider my top friend, who I would kiss if dared, who I would have sex with, who is the strongest, and who I think could be gay. That last one was a little awkward to answer.

  Someone asks Jaxon a question and he says my name. He hasn’t said my name before,
so I’m a little curious. This time when I flip the coin, I pray that I get heads so I can hear what the question was. Luck is on my side for the time being, because I get heads. “Ok, spill,” I say, eager to know the question. “The question was…who I would take a bullet for.” Definitely not what I thought it was going to be. I was not expecting this and it makes me confused. I didn’t think we were that close. Sure, I consider him a good friend, but I didn’t think he thought of me like that, almost like a best friend or sister. Everyone around the table is silent, trying to figure out for themselves what that means.

  Before the game starts up again, I take his hand in mine and give it a squeeze. I want him to know how much that means to me. Even though I’m still a little confused, it makes me happy that he considers me worth saving. Having someone care for me like that means more than just wanting me as a girlfriend or a friend. He looks down at our joined hands and then back up to my eyes. “You’re an amazing person Danielle and someone I consider family.” I push back my tears and squeeze his hand once more before releasing it. “Thank you.” I don’t know what else to say.

  “You ready to go?” he asks as he releases my hand. I’m feeling a good buzz but am just emotionally drained. I am definitely ready to go home. “Yeah, if you don’t mind.” I stand up and wait for him to follow. “Not at all.” He takes my hand and leads me to his truck.

  When we are outside my house, I turn to look at him. “Thanks for making me go, I really did have a good time.” He just smiles in return, then waits till I’m in the house before driving away.

  I head straight to my room and don’t even bother changing before slipping under my covers. I barely have time to finish a full thought before I fall into a dreamless sleep.

  I wake up to my phone going off. I reach over to my nightstand and unlock the screen. It’s a text message from Jaxon telling me he is heading back to school. I type a quick response and jump in the shower.

  I dress in yoga pants and a t-shirt, then head down to find something to eat. Once in the kitchen, I notice that my grandmother isn’t up yet. She wasn’t in the living room and she’s not in here, so either she went out for a bit or is taking a nap. It’s after one in the afternoon so my guess is that she’s napping. She often takes naps in the afternoon.

  When I finish my orange juice and a bowl of cereal, I go back to my room to clean and gather laundry. It takes me just over an hour to finish, then I head down to start the wash.

  I still haven’t heard or seen my grandmother up and about yet. I want to let her sleep, but really want to see what her plans are for the day. I’m thinking a nice lazy day is in order and what better than to lie around on the couch all day and watch movies.

  I quietly open her door and see her still in bed. I notice that she still has some pictures on her bed from last night. She must have fallen asleep while looking at them. As I walk over to pick them up to put them away, I notice how still she is. She looks very pale too. I walk slowly up to the bed and gently shake her. But when my hand touches her shoulder, I notice how cold she is. “Gram, wake up.”

  She doesn’t move or even attempt to open her eyes, and the only thing that I keep thinking about is how cold she is. “Gram, time to get up,” I say again but a little louder. Still nothing. “Gram, wake up…Please…” I shake her again and again, but she doesn’t move and she doesn’t wake up. “GRAM!” I shake her one last time, almost violently and start to sob. “No no no no no! Grandma, please wake up. PLEASE!” But she’s gone. She must have passed away last night while I was out drinking and having a good time. “Gram, please don’t leave me….”

  ***

  Today is the day of the funeral. The past four days have been a blur of emotions and activity. I learned that my grandmother had heart disease and kept it from me. She knew she was sick for almost a year and declined any treatment. Her doctor said that he gave her medicine to make things easier for her and more comfortable, but he said she wouldn’t let him do anything else for her. I don’t understand why she didn’t tell me, but knowing what I know now, everything makes sense. Her being sick all the time, arguing about which college to attend, making sure I went out and built a life of my own beyond the walls of her house, and even our talk the night before she died. It was her goodbye.

  I also learned that she had planned her funeral and made all the arrangements, even going as far as making sure it was all paid for. That means at least I don’t have to worry about what needs to happen or what she would want. I’m thankful because I’m so lost right now I would probably mess it up and she deserves to have a nice service and burial. The funeral home even sent out all the announcements and said that they would take care of everything.

  People stopped by the house and some called to give their condolences and ask if there is anything they can do. I tried to be polite, and though I’m not sure if I succeeded, no one commented on it. I just wanted to be left alone so I could come to terms with the fact that my grandmother is gone and is never coming back. It’s so hard because she was my rock, she was what grounded me. What am I supposed to do without her? I’m not worried about money or where I’ll live because she left the house and almost $50,000 of life insurance to me. On top of that, I still have the college fund from my dad. Money is not even close to being on my mind, though I would give it all away if I could get my grandmother back.

  I look at the clock and see that I only have an hour before I need to be at the funeral home, so I jump into the shower and put on the new black dress I bought yesterday. I didn’t have anything that I wanted to wear on the day I have to say my final goodbye to my grandmother and I wanted to look nice for her.

  I don’t put any makeup on so I won’t have to worry about ruining it when the tears come again, and I know they will. I thought I’d be all dried out by now, but I still cry every time I think about her or saying goodbye. I leave my purse because I don’t need to take anything with me. I just want to go and get this over with so I can come home, cry myself to sleep, and then tomorrow start to figure out where I go from here. That’s all I feel like I’ve been doing lately, trying to figure out what to do and where my life will lead me.

  ***

  The ceremony was beautiful and so many people showed up. More than I thought possible. Some I didn’t recognize, but mostly friends of my grandmother that I’ve seen from time to time. The only person that was really there for me, was Jaxon. I don’t know how he knew about my grandmother’s death, but he showed up on my doorstep the day after, holding a bottle of Jack Daniels, chocolate and pizzas. We didn’t even really talk, he was just there for me.

  I’m still standing at her final resting place in the cemetery when I hear my name being called behind me. I don’t turn around, but I feel someone stop beside me. “Danielle?” I don’t recognize the voice so I look up to see who it is. I regret it immediately. I know from just one look exactly who it is.

  “What the hell are you doing here?” I try to keep my voice down but am just so pissed off that my whole body is shaking. He looks at me in shock, but quickly recovers. “Danielle, I know I’m the last person you probably want to see right now, but when I heard what happened, I had to come to make sure you were ok.” I can’t believe this man. After everything he has done to me and put me through, he shows up here, the day I buried my grandmother. “Ok? Am I ok? What the fuck do you care?” I seethe. “Danie-“ “No! Shut your fucking mouth. How dare you come here, today of all fucking days, and think that you deserve to even ask that fucking question. What? You think because you fathered me that you just get to walk into my life anytime you want? That you could ever comfort me? If that’s what you think, then you are even more of an asshole than I thought.”

  I turn to walk away but he grabs my arm. “Danielle, I understand that you’re angry-“ “Angry? No, I’m fucking livid!” I try to walk away again, but stop because I want to say one more thing to him. “I understand that you were hurt after my mother died. I get it. You gave me up. I get that too. You had t
o do what you did to make yourself better. And I had a great childhood and was raised by a woman who loved me enough to last a lifetime. So if it’s forgiveness you need, fine, I forgive you for abandoning me. But you gave up the right to be my father the day you walked out on me, so just do me a favor and leave me the hell alone. I never want to see or hear from you again.” I don’t wait for his reply. I just turn and walk away. Now he knows how it feels to be rejected.

  Instead of walking over to the cars, I decide to walk home. I could use that time to cool off and get my thoughts straight.

  When I walk in the door, I drop to the floor and let all the pain and anger out. I’ve lost everything; my mom, my dad, Zeke, Zane and now my grandmother. I have no idea what I’m supposed to do now. I don’t even know how to make it through the rest of the day, let alone the rest of the week, or year. Should I still attend the community college or should I go somewhere else. Or maybe I shouldn’t even go to college at all.

  I pick myself up off the floor, grab the bottle of Jack that Jaxon left and head up to my room. Tonight, I just need to forget. I’ll worry about everything else tomorrow.

  ***

  I wake up the next morning with a massive headache. I drank the whole bottle but everything still hurt, so I gave up and let myself fall asleep, praying for some peace. But of course that was too much to ask. I had nightmare after nightmare, but since I was so wasted, I wasn’t able to wake myself up to get away from it all.