Rewriting Destiny

by Shelly Morgan

  “We barely talked during the next year and a half. During my last year in high school, my birthday and graduation passed with nothing from him. But then my grandmother died, and I lost it. I was completely alone. My mom died, Dad left me, Zeke was killed, Zane wasn’t around, and now my grandmother was gone.

  After the funeral, Zane showed up out of the blue. We fought and then he apologized over and over for not being there for me. He promised that we would fix things between us. I figured as long as I had him in my life, things would be ok. I just couldn’t lose him. He talked me into coming to school in Austin with him, so I packed up what I needed and left a month and a half later.

  The night I arrived at school, we ended up at a party. He started getting cozy with some girl, which was fine. But then when I got back from the bathroom, he was gone. I didn’t think he’d leave me, so I just sat and waited for him. But he never came back. I went looking for him and ran into this guy.”

  I stop there, not sure if I can go on. It’s still raw to think about that night, especially today and knowing Zane is close. I look up into Toby’s eyes, looking for strength. He squeezes my hand and waits for me to continue.

  “I asked him if he had seen Zane. I had a headache and just wanted to leave. He said that he saw him a while ago, but would go look for him to let him know I wasn’t feeling well. He told me to wait for him in one of the rooms since it was quiet in there. When he came back, he said that Zane had left with the girl a while ago, that they were hooking up but that Zane left his truck for me to drive home. He just left me there, didn’t even bother to tell me he was leaving. I think I started cry and the guy hugged me. At first, I was confused, but then it sort of felt good to be comforted. I was so upset that I meant so little to Zane.

  But then the guy started kissing me. I was so shocked at first that I didn’t think to push him away, but finally I realized what was going on. I tried to make him stop, but he was just too strong…I-I c-couldn’t get him o-off of me…” A loud sob cuts me off. I start crying so hard, I’m not getting enough air. I can almost feel his hand over my mouth. I can feel him ripping my panties off, pushing inside me…“Hey… hey, look at me,” Toby says as he grabs my face, making me look at him. Finally, after a couple of minutes, I calm down enough to continue.

  “After he was done I ran out. I left in Zane’s truck and went to the nearest store. I bought new clothes and the morning after pill since he never used a condom. I drove back to my dorm and tried calling Zane, but he wouldn’t answer. I left voicemails and sent text messages, not telling him what happen, but that I needed him. But he didn’t respond until about an hour later.”

  I harden my gaze and look first to Louie who is standing in my doorway with his hands balled into fists at his sides, then to Toby who has a look to anguish mixed with anger on his face. I use my own anger and feed off of theirs to finish my story.

  “He said that he wasn’t always going to be there for me and that I needed to learn to take care of myself. That was it. He never even asked what had happened or if I was ok. So I drove to my grandmother’s house, packed all my shit and hit the road. I haven’t spoken to or seen him since.” Now they know everything that happened to me. I’ve bared all of my secrets, all of my scars.

  The sound of someone punching the wall causes me to look up and into Louie’s eyes. He has murder written all over his face. Before I can say anything, he turns and stalks through my living room. Then I hear the door slam and glass breaking. I jump up and run into the room to see the door hanging from its hinges and my grandmother’s crystal angel lying broken on the floor. Louie’s gone and there is only one place he could be going; to find Zane.

  I’m down the stairs in seconds, but I’m too late. I catch only a glimpse of Louie speeding down the road on his bike before he is gone. I run to my truck, fumbling with my keys to get it unlocked. I have to go after him. “Dani, wait!” Toby is right behind me, but I don’t have time to explain anything. I just need to get to the clubhouse.

  He grabs my keys and turns me around. “Toby, I need to go after him!” I yell, trying to get the keys back. Without answering, he takes my hand and pulls me over to his bike. I don’t question him anymore, knowing we’ve wasted enough time already. I hop on behind him. The engine roars. I barely have time to wrap my arms around him before we are off, speeding down the road after Louie. Please let us make it there in time. I don’t even know who I’m going there to stop – Louie or Zane. It doesn’t really matter though, as long as I get there before shit hits the fan. It’s not Louie’s fight, it’s mine. And if anyone kick’s Zane’s ass, it will be me.

  We make it to the clubhouse faster than I thought possible, but not fast enough because I can already see Louie’s bike parked haphazardly by the door. Fuck! Maybe Zane isn’t even here though, right? Yeah, and I’m best friends with that bitch Destiny.

  Toby has barely stopped before I’m off his bike and running towards the door. I’ll think about what I’m going to do once I get in there and can see what is going on. Then I can come up with a game plan.

  I bust through the door just in time to see Zane block a punch from Louie. I don’t know if words were spoken first or if Louie just walked in swinging. All I know is that I need to stop this before it goes any further.

  I run up and wedge myself between the two of them. “Stop it! Louie, back the fuck off!” If he heard me, he doesn’t show it because he tries to go right through me to get to Zane. I push him back and get right in his face. “Walk away Louie before I really get pissed off!” I’ve never been violent when it comes to Louie, but he is waging a war that isn’t even his to fight.

  Again, Louie is either so far gone in his rage that he doesn’t hear me, or he is just choosing to dismiss me. Wrong fucking answer either way. I push him back again, but just as my hands land on his chest and arms, he surprises me by sweeping his arm and pushing me out of his way. The brush off is so hard and completely unexpected that I fall into a nearby table.

  I’m not sure if Zane was holding back because he wasn’t sure what Louie was pissed about or he just didn’t think it was justified¸ but as soon as he sees me land on the table, he loses it. I’ve never seen him like this before – like he’s possessed or something. He rushes Louie and throws a lightning fast left handed punch to Louie’s face and then follows up almost simultaneously with a right uppercut.

  Louie flies backwards into Mack who I didn’t even see was there. “If you EVER fucking put your hands on her again, I’ll kill you! I’LL FUCKING KILL YOU, DO YOU HEAR ME?!” Zane yells as he points a finger in Louie’s direction.

  Mack makes sure Louie is able to stand on his own before he walks over to me. “You alright darlin’?” Now that he mentions it, I think I hit my backbone on the edge of the table, but I won’t tell anyone that. It will no doubt make Louie feel like shit because he caused it and seeing how Zane is giving him a look of death, it would just be best to keep that information to myself. “Yeah Mack, I’m good.” I stand up and look at Zane, then back to Mack, not sure if he knows my history with Zane. He’ll find out soon enough though, I won’t be able to keep this from him any longer. I just hope he isn’t upset with me for not telling him years ago.

  Looking at the three of us, Mack first addresses Louie, “You – go get a drink and calm the fuck down.” Not even waiting for a reply, he turns to Zane, “You – my office. Now.” Zane hesitates for only a second before giving him a slight nod. He looks at me and heads towards the back of the bar where Mack’s office is located. Once he’s out of sight, Mack turns to me.

  “Look, I don’t want to be telling you what to do, but it’s about time you both clear the air.” I open my mouth to tell him that it’s a little more complicated than that, that he doesn’t even know what happened, but he raises his hand to stop me. “I know that you both have some history. Blaze told me a little about what happened. I’m not saying that he was right to do what he did all those years ago, but you need to hear his side of the story. S
o you’re going to go into my office, and you aren’t going to come out until you two talk this shit out.” He gives me a hard look that means I better not argue. Then he turns and walks to the bar.

  Since I’ve pretty much lost any type of buzz I had going before Toby and Louie barged into my place tonight and I know I’m going to need some liquid courage to make it through talking things over with Zane, I step behind the bar for a bottle of Jack. Mack either doesn’t notice what I’m doing, or he knows I need this. Either way he doesn’t say anything. Time to get this over with – for better or worse, this shit ends tonight.

  ***

  I stop outside the door to Mack’s office, and take a deep breath, trying to prepare for whatever is about to happen. I honestly have no clue how this is going to turn out, but I do know I’m not looking forward to talking about that night. I’ve already had to go back in time once tonight, but I suppose it’s better to get this over with now. With Zane back in my life, at least for a while it looks like, we need to hash this out. Otherwise it will get in the way of my family, and after everything they have given back to me, I won’t do that to them.

  Once inside, I close the door and look up into the eyes of the man who I loved more than anything. The man I would have walked through hell to have feel for me what I felt for him. But he’s also the man who walked away from me when I needed him the most, who fed me to the wolves and broke me beyond repair. “Baby girl…” he whispers, surprised to see me walking through the door instead of Mack.

  I walk around the desk and sit down across from him. Without saying anything, I grab two glasses and fill them up with Jack. I don’t even wait for him to pick his up before I’m downing my first drink, then filling it again.

  Taking my time on my second glass, I take a small sip and set it down before looking up at him. He still makes me feel like my heart will beat out of my chest. “Let’s get a couple of things straight. The friendship that we had years ago is gone. I don’t know you and I’m not sure if I want to, but the girl you used to know is dead. She died four years ago when you left her at a party to get your dick wet, so you can stop with all your ‘baby girl’ bullshit. I’m no one’s baby girl, least of all yours.”

  I must have completely shocked him because he just stares at me with his mouth hanging open – like a fish out of the water. I suppose when he knew me, I only spoke up about certain things. Well, he’ll just have to get used to it because this is who I am now.

  Finally, after a couple of minutes, he pulls himself together. Now when he looks at me, it’s with a look of possession, as if I’m his. A look that has me wanting to look away, but I refuse to back down. “First off, you will always be my baby girl. ALWAYS. Nothing you can say or do will ever change that.” I start to argue with him, to say that I don’t want anything to do with him anymore, but he gives me a look I’ve never seen him give me before. It has me snapping my mouth shut and waiting for him to continue. “Let me talk, then you can have your say.”

  He downs his drink in one swallow and looking off into space, he begins to speak. “I know I fucked up a lot after I graduated, so let me clear up a couple of things.” He drops his eyes to his lap, then looks me in the eye. “I’ve been in love with you since that first day you came over to play with me and Zeke. I just didn’t think it was something I could act on or even tell you. At first I thought it was just puppy love, but after Zeke died, I knew that you were it for me.”

  He grabs the bottle of Jack and refills his glass, so I take the time to digest what he just said. He’s loved me since we first met? That can’t be right. Before I can think about it further, he continues. “I wanted to tell you so many times – either sit you down and tell you or just kiss you so you would know how I felt, but I never thought you would return my feelings, that you only thought of me as a friend. Then when my senior year hit, I realized that even if you did want to be with me, that you just weren’t ready. I needed to leave you be so you could experience life as a teenage girl and not drag you down with me, especially since I wanted to join the Marines.” I gasp out loud because this is the first I’ve heard of this. He never once mentioned that he wanted to be a soldier.

  “Yeah, I wanted to join like Zeke did, and I didn’t tell you because I knew it would bring up bad memories. The day I left for school, I got into a huge argument with my parents. They talked me into waiting, going to school first and then decide if it was still something I still wanted to do. Even though I was 100% sure I was going to join, I figured I owed my parents that much, so I went off to college. I tried putting distance between you and me since you were dating that guy and I wanted to give you the opportunity to find someone that would deserve you. Though I didn’t think he was it, I had to let you go to figure that out on your own.

  But then you told me that you broke up, and I couldn’t reach you to see what happened. I swore to myself that if he hurt you, I was going to kill him. But you just wouldn’t answer your damn phone. That was also the day I had decided that I was going to quit school and join the Marines. I had so much to get done after I made that decision and couldn’t come home for the holidays, but I had to know that you were ok. So I came to find you and make sure you were ok, which led to that amazing night together. It was better than anything I ever fantasized about…” He is looking at me, but it’s like he is looking through me, back to that night. And what does he mean we had an amazing night? The letter he left proves what he thought of that night. A mistake.

  “You mean the night you said was a mistake?” I almost growl at him. I can’t believe the shit he is spouting right now. Does he really think that I would believe him after all this time and everything he did? “I only said that because I couldn’t lose you and I’m sorry that it hurt you. But fuck, if I had told you that I loved you, and then told you about my decision to join the military, what would that have done to us? Huh? Yeah, you would have supported me in my decision and stood behind me every step of the way, but what would that have led to in the long run? You would have worried and been scared, and that would have led to you resenting me or even hating me. As much as I wanted to be selfish and keep you, I knew I couldn’t. You have to understand Danielle, I loved you more than anything and I was willing to sacrifice my happiness for you. FOR YOU!”

  I stand up so fast my chair hits the wall, but I don’t stop to look at it. I charge him. He stands up to ward me off, but I’m too pissed to be put off. “You did it for me?! You arrogant piece of shit! You not telling me how you felt, keeping things from me and making decisions on my behalf is selfish, NOT the other way around! You should have fucking told me…” I stifle a sob, choosing to use the anger and pain to make me stronger. I try to hit him, but he sees it coming and grabs my arms, and pinning them, turns me around so my back is against his chest. Being pinned against him just pisses me off even more. My body and heart are rejoicing in the fact that he is back in my life and holding me, but my head wants to override those feelings. I can’t let myself be weak, not for him, not again.

  “LET ME GO!” I yell and struggle against him, but it’s no use. He’s too strong and the way he is holding me doesn’t leave room for me to do much. “Calm down baby girl, just calm – “ “DON’T FUCKING CALL ME THAT!” I yell over him. I don’t want him to call me that anymore. It hurts too much. Everything that we used to be, everything we could have been, it all just hurts to think about.

  When he finally releases me, I move to the other side of the room to put distance between us. I keep my back turned so he can’t see how much this is hurting me. “There’s only one more thing we really need to talk about – that night at the party.” I can hear anger in his voice, though I’m not sure if it’s because I left after that night or because of something else. I just keep quiet, waiting for him to continue. The sooner we get this over with, the sooner I can walk out of this room and go on with my life like he never came back.

  “Before you got to Austin, I got a phone call from my superiors that we were getting deployed
within the next couple of months. I was so pissed off. Now that you were finally going to be with me it was all getting taken away before I even had it. I was going to tell you that I was no longer in school and had joined, but there was never the right time. I just wanted you close to me so I could take care of you and have you with me, but I knew I would need to tell you sooner than I wanted to and you were going to hate me.

  So when you got there, I took you to get something to eat because I figured you hadn’t eaten much and I needed more time to think of how I was going to tell you. Then I got that phone call and I thought it was a sign. It gave me more time with the added benefit of having some drinks in us for when I did tell you.” He’s quiet for so long that I turn around and see him staring at the floor. As much as I hate to admit, he looks like he’s suffering and that makes me happy. He deserves to suffer for what I went through because of him. I face him head on, cross my arms and wait for him to continue.

  “I just wanted a distraction from wanting and needing you. That’s what that girl was. I took her outside in my truck, but it wasn’t enough to make me forget about you. She offered to go to my place and at that point, I was willing to do anything to get you out of my head. I thought you would be ok there if I just left my truck for you to take home. You never had a problem being at a party by yourself before, but I should have known this was different; you didn’t know anyone. I wasn’t thinking straight, and for that I’m so sorry…” Hearing him tell me he was sorry for leaving me there, even though he couldn’t know what it led to, has a little bit of the ice in my heart melting. I hate that he is breaking down my walls, but I never could help it when it came to him.