Spud

by Unknown

  ‘Oh, and finally,’ said Sparerib, ‘you will under no circumstances attempt to corrupt, touch or bully any of the first years. They will be vulnerable enough and I won’t have you worsening the situation. I also understand that there is no love lost between you lot and Leonard Pike, but his brother Renton is a first year in our house and I won’t stand for any shit. You hear me?’

  I’ve never heard Sparerib swear before – clearly the Crazy Eight has him worried! He continued to glare at us with his wonky eye before uttering in a cruel voice, ‘I’ll be watching…’

  It was quite funny watching the new boys arriving and being led by their proud parents through our dormitory and into the dingy first year dorm. We were all very polite and Mad Dog made a point of bowing to every parent and calling them Mam and Sir. Boggo pretended to be writing the new boys’ names down but was actually making a list about which mothers he’d like to shag. Fatty kept a close eye out for new boys with a good supply of tuck, while Vern lay on his bed talking to himself and pulling out hair and was clearly disturbed by all the activity.

  While all the new boys went off to meet The Glock and have lunch in the quad with their parents, Rambo convened our first Crazy Eight meeting of the year. He reckons that nobody can just join the Crazy Eight because they move into the dormitory. He said that whoever this new dude is, he’ll have to prove himself to be a legend, a fine sportsman, or completely insane. Apparently the new guy is arriving tonight!

  20:00 Sparerib called the entire house to a meeting in the common room. The poor new boys looked terrified, apart from Renton Pike, who was sprawled out in a chair looking like a millionaire. It was good to see Rambo accidentally kick him twice in the shins on his way past.

  Sparerib announced our head of house and new prefects.

  HEAD OF HOUSE Greg Anderson

  PREFECTS Guy Emberton (Rumour has it his dad is now building a rugby pavilion on Trafalgar.)

  Linley Perkins (weedy looking guy whose nickname is Death Breath)

  Julian (who is coming back to do six months of post-matric before heading off in August to the Royal College of Music in London. He’s not back yet from a holiday in Thailand with Reg.)

  The good news is that Pike and Devries have to carry their own laundry this year because they aren’t prefects. The bad news is that Anderson has never forgiven me for insulting his crippled sister, despite the fact that he doesn’t even have a sister. Emberton still blames me for ruining his chances with Amanda – and Death Breath has always looked at me shiftily in the showers.

  After the house meeting I took a stroll around the school to find my new classrooms so that I don’t look like a first year and get lost on the way to class tomorrow morning. As I walked out into the quad I heard a great booming voice shout out, ‘MILTON THE POET!’

  The Guv strode up to me swinging his walking stick wildly and gave me a bear hug that lifted me clean off my feet. All I could manage in return was a very spudly squeak of ‘Sir.’ Once he’d plonked me down and given me a friendly crack on the head with his stick, he demanded to know what books I’d read in the holidays. I thought about lying but then confessed that I’d read absolutely nothing except for the Sunday papers. His eyes bulged and he let loose a torrent of swearing and general abuse in the middle of the main quad. A new boy carrying three cups of tea stopped and stared, his mouth wide open. The Guv told him to sod off, making the frightened first year spill half the tea on himself. The Guv looked very healthy and impressive in his tweeds and said that he had a new lease on life. He reckons he’s coaching the under 15A cricket side but he’s not my English teacher anymore. With that he shouted, ‘Exit, pursued by a bear!’ and marched off towards the chapel.

  23:00 The door creaked open and there was a loud scuffling sound as an extremely tall figure dragged his trunk and bags towards the empty bed in Fatty’s cubicle. The new boy started unzipping his bags and packing things away into his locker. We were all awake, although for some strange reason we pretended to be sleeping. (Except for Vern, that is, who stood on his locker and shone his torch directly onto the new boy.) It felt a bit weird – like there was a trespasser in the dorm. I found myself resenting this tall shadow for taking Gecko’s bed and forcing himself into the Crazy Eight.

  I dreamed that Pike slit my throat in the night. I tried manfully to stop the blood by putting on my school tie but then thankfully the rising siren screeched in my ear and pulled me out of my own murder.

  Thursday 17th January

  06:30 There was an uproar at roll call when the very tall new boy in our dormitory responded to the name:

  Alexander Short

  Alexander Short looks much better in the dark. He has a bad case of pimples around his mouth which makes him look like the kind of person who frequently forgets to wash around his mouth after eating. I introduced myself to him but all he said was an unfriendly, ‘Howzit.’

  07:25 Wombat called to wish me Happy Birthday. I didn’t want to confuse her so I said thank you and tried to sound happy. She then started crying and said I must get on the first boat for Southampton as soon as the war ends. She then said an air raid siren had gone off and she had to switch off the electricity and hide under her bed. I called home to tell Mom that Wombat was losing her marbles but got Dad instead. There was a lot of shouting and commotion in the background and Dad kept screaming, ‘Straighten up! Straighten up!’ Then there was a huge crash and the line went dead. Mom phoned back to say that the builder’s lorry just smashed the gates clean off! Dad’s building what he calls a ‘safe house’ behind the garage with a concealed door. He says it’s for safety reasons but Mom and I reckon it’s because Innocence and Dad need more space to brew their liquor.

  We have a whole lot of new teachers; most of them are really boring. Luckily we still have Lennox for history. Our English teacher Norm Wade is wickedly dull and never changes the tone of his voice when he speaks. He also has a mean stare and a bad stutter. Boggo thinks Norm could have the makings of a seriously good poker player providing he doesn’t have to speak. His official nickname is Salamander because he has long legs and very short arms. Eve is now the school counsellor and no longer teaches drama. (Not sure if this is because of her affair with Rambo last year or because of Dr Zoo leaving.) Boggo says he heard Dr Zoo is now doing experiments on people in Zambia. Viking is teaching us drama, which should be scary. I’m also doing art with Mr Lilly, and something called Adventure Club with Mr Hall.

  11:00 There was an awkward moment in the main quad when Eve abruptly walked out of Sparerib’s office and nearly bumped into Boggo, Rambo and myself. Rambo stepped forward as if he wanted to hug her but Eve marched off without even greeting us properly. Then Sparerib came out and ordered us back to the house. He didn’t look at Rambo once and clearly there’s still tension in the air. The soap opera continues!

  I asked Fatty about my nightmare last night. He said having a black cat sleeping in my cubicle is bound to create bad Karma. He suggested poisoning Roger or drinking a litre of water before sleeping to cleanse my bed of evil spirits.

  14:30 CRICKET TRIALS

  My bowling was very poor and I spent the afternoon chasing leather all over the place. After four full tosses in a row The Guv leapt up and shouted, ‘For God’s sakes, Milton, use the facilities, man!’ I guess I’ll have to practise hard tomorrow and hope like mad The Guv doesn’t drop me before Saturday’s game against Drake College.

  Alexander Short has top of the range Gunn & Moore cricket equipment which he drags around in what looks like a coffin. His bat was even signed on both sides by Graeme Pollock. He told The Guv that he had been the best cricketer at his last school (a school in Jo’burg that nobody’s ever heard of). Clearly Alexander Short wasn’t much of a bowler because his run up looked like a deformed giraffe running away from a lion and The Guv said his bowling action was reminiscent of an aged cat having an epileptic fit.

  Alexander Short then made the foolish mistake of going in to bat without his helmet. To make thin
gs worse he had taken ages to decide whether he needed his helmet or not, before eventually tossing it aside rather casually and opting for his brand new navy blue cricket cap instead. The choice of cap over helmet hadn’t escaped the attention of Mad Dog who immediately lengthened his run up by about twenty metres.

  Short was looking rather cocky and spent ages stretching his hamstrings before The Guv told him to hurry up and threatened to impale him on his shooting stick and feed him piece by piece to his ex-wife. Short shrugged his shoulders, straightened his cap and took guard. Mad Dog shouted, ‘Coming in!’ and galloped out from under the trees looking like he was about to commit an act of savagery. Alexander Short seemed a little short on courage and confidence because when he saw Mad Dog roaring in like a barbarian his eyes swelled to the size of dinner plates and he started edging away from the wickets at a rate of knots. The ball rocketed into his stumps, sending them flying out of the ground. (By this stage Alexander Short (of courage) had ended up taking cover in the side netting.) The Guv then asked him if he hadn’t in fact come from the blind school. I was feeling sorry for the poor guy so I bowled him a gentle leg spinner but Alexander Short charged down the wicket and smashed it out of the nets and onto the pavilion roof. (That’s the thanks you get for a little generosity.) As I slunk off to go and find my ball Mad Dog promised to get revenge for me. I thanked him and set about looking for a ladder because the ball had got stuck in the gutter.

  When I returned to the nets half the team had disappeared. It turns out that Mad Dog had got my revenge by hitting Alexander Short on the back of the head with a nasty bouncer. It took half the team to carry the new boy to the san. What a start!

  Rambo isn’t very impressed with Alexander Short. He reckons he’s not Crazy Eight calibre and he’s going to have to improve his personality if he wants to join up.

  I drank a litre of water to cleanse myself of bad spirits and a possibly haunted cat. Unfortunately, I spent most of the night running to the bogs for a slash.

  Friday 18th January

  08:00 The Glock was all fire and brimstone at the first assembly of the year, although most of the school were trying to hide their sniggers at our headmaster’s ridiculous sunglasses tan. Obviously the big man had fallen asleep on his lilo again. The first years looked terrified of The Glock and he made a point of glaring at them the whole time. Hard to believe I was just like them a year ago.

  11:00 I have been selected for the under 15A cricket team! The only change from last year is that Rambo has replaced Steven George who has quit cricket and taken up canoeing instead.

  14:30 Anderson forced Mad Dog, who forced us, to co-apologize to Alexander Short in the san. When Sister Collins saw our faces at the door she shouted, ‘Oh Christ!’ and stubbed out her cigarette in a potty which she now seems to be using as her ashtray. She reluctantly let us in and showed us to Alexander’s bed. The new boy looked very funny with his neck in a brace and his feet dangling off the end of the bed. Vern pointed at the patient and squawked with laughter. He then realized that everyone was staring at him so he produced a very fake cough before moving across to the window and hiding behind the curtain.

  Short reckons he has concussion and should be out of the san by Monday. Mad Dog apologized without really meaning it and told him that he deserved to get bounced because he didn’t wear a helmet. Alexander looked insulted and said he didn’t expect his friends to try and kill him at cricket practice. Rambo’s eyes bored into the new boy and he said, ‘Who’s talking about friends, we don’t even know you yet.’ Then there was an awkward silence so we all said we had to go and left the new boy in peace.

  Fatty reckons any boy who tries to replace Gecko will be cursed by his ghost and he said it was no coincidence that the new boy had ended up in the san, Gecko’s old haunt, less than a day after his arrival. Fatty then said that Mad Dog had also broken Gecko’s arm at the beginning of last year so this was definitely a sign from Gecko’s ghost. Nobody was particularly impressed with Fatty’s theory and a loud and abusive argument began and lasted until about a hundred metres before we reached the tuck shop. That’s because Fatty was walking too fast for the rest of us to catch up.

  20:30 House elections for captains and representatives.

  Fatty was voted in as the house catering rep, Boggo the AV rep and Vern won a crushing win over Devries for his second term as bog monitor. (In fairness to Devries, he was set up by Pike who proposed him as a joke and then voted for Vern.) Vern punched the air with his fist when he heard the news of his victory and asked Sparerib if he could leave the house meeting immediately for a thorough bog inspection. Even Sparerib couldn’t contain himself and the entire house erupted once Vern had pulled out his notepad and pencil and marched off to the bogs.

  23:00 Rambo announced that the time had come for the Crazy Eight to introduce themselves to the first years. Boggo refused point blank. (If anybody so much as looks at a first year sideways before their week of grace is over, they are guaranteed to be expelled.) Rambo accused us of being gutless cowards, so we all backed down and made our way to the first years’ dorm.

  We stood in silence in our creepy old dormitory. After a long pause Rambo spoke in a deep voice. ‘Which one of you is Junior Pike?’ There was a groan and then a tired voice said, ‘Um, I’m here…’ Rambo spoke again. ‘Junior Pike, I have bad news for you.’

  Junior Pike staggered out of bed and into the harsh gleam of Vern’s torch. He blinked like a mole and asked, ‘Wha… what’s happened?’ There was a pause. Rambo cleared his throat and then spoke in an icy deep voice. ‘Your mother’s dead.’

  Junior Pike was struck dumb. He just stared helplessly into the light, opened his mouth and then closed it again.

  ‘Your mother died in a skydiving accident,’ Rambo continued. ‘She jumped out the plane but forgot to put on her parachute…’ Pike shook his head and tried to say something but Rambo told him to keep silent.

  Then Boggo joined in.

  BOGGO Obviously stupidity runs in the family.

  RAMBO Pike, your mom crashed down to earth at twice the speed of sound.

  BOGGO Half the speed of light.

  And then Mad Dog joined in.

  MAD DOG Quarter the speed of my bowling!

  A loud guffaw. Junior Pike was by this stage beginning to look distraught.

  BOGGO She was lucky to survive the fall.

  Relieved again.

  JUNIOR PIKE So she’s okay?

  RAMBO Her fall was broken.

  BOGGO And so were her legs.

  More elbowing and some sniggers.

  RAMBO By the power lines.

  BOGGO Do you have any idea how many volts of raw un-pasteurized electricity pass through those wires?

  JUNIOR PIKE No, I…

  BOGGO Well, neither do I, but I heard it’s a shit-load!

  RAMBO The power lines didn’t kill your mother, Pike.

  JUNIOR PIKE Look, there must be a mistake. My mom doesn’t skydive.

  RAMBO Shut up. The power lines broke her fall.

  MAD DOG And her legs.

  RAMBO And her legs.

  BOGGO They both fell off.

  RAMBO Pike, I hate to tell you this but your mother was legless.

  By now there were loud cackles and sniggers. I think Junior Pike smelled a rat but he was still looking half asleep and completely disorientated.

  RAMBO She fell to the ground.

  BOGGO And landed safely on the freeway.

  JUNIOR PIKE Look, I don’t know what you…

  MAD DOG Where she was run over by a rhino.

  More giggling and elbowing.

  BOGGO Incorrect. She was run over by a Greyhound bus.

  RAMBO They found her head in Bloemfontein.

  BOGGO And her arms outside a lesbian club in Lesotho.

  Vern enjoyed the lesbian in Lesotho bit and started shrieking with laughter and stomping his foot in the dustbin.

  And then the lights flicked on. Anderson looked a little disturbing dress
ed only in striped underpants and looming over us brandishing a sawn-off hockey stick. He glared at Rambo. ‘What do you think you’re doing?’ Rambo didn’t answer. I have to admit the scene didn’t look good. Mad Dog was armed with his hunting and filleting knife, Rambo carried a cricket bat, while Vern was madly pulling out hair with one hand and clutching onto Potato with the other.

  Next Emberton sauntered into the dorm munching away at a stick of sugar cane and looking smug. ‘Friday night and the shit hits the fan.’ He grinned at me and took another munch of sugar cane. The two prefects circled slowly like sharks at an aquarium five minutes before feeding time. By now other new boys were peeping over their lockers to see what the commotion was all about. Junior Pike scrambled to his feet and leapt back into bed.

  Anderson and Emberton led the Crazy Eight back to our dormitory. In the meantime Rambo had thought of a plan and he launched into a long story about breaking down barriers and becoming friends. Anderson let him finish and then grinned. ‘What a load of horseshit! You may have fooled Luthuli last year, but I’m no fool. I know you okes. Give you a fingernail, you take the whole flippin’ arm!’

  We were ordered to line up outside Anderson’s room. One by one we took our thrashing (two strokes with the sawn-off hockey stick). The only bonus was that I got to stare at a naked centrefold with huge breasts on Anderson’s wall while he was thrashing my bum.

  Emberton lay on the bed and continued noshing his sugar cane while the floggings were dished out. He looked especially pleased after I started running on the spot before I could get out of Anderson’s room.

  I lay in bed with my bum on fire listening to Junior Pike sniggering triumphantly in the next dorm. Sometimes I wish Rambo would just die peacefully in his sleep! (Make that shockingly run over by a rhino!)