Spud

by Unknown

  NATIONAL BOEREWORS EATING COMPETITION RULES

  1 No more than 30 second breaks allowed between rolls

  2 A roll is only counted as eaten once the contestant has swallowed the last bite

  3 Vomiting = disqualification

  4 In the case of a tie, the prize is shared

  Because Fatty entered late he was only number twenty-eight on the list of thirty-five people. This gave us time to suss out the opposition. None of the first few contenders got beyond four boerewors rolls. But then a huge bear of a man called Russell got up and ate seven rolls very quickly but then had to quit halfway through his eighth. Fatty began to get a bit nervous so he decided to head for the toilet to throw up the salt and vinegar chips he’d eaten earlier to make space for the boerewors rolls to come. After a successful hurl, he settled himself down on a large wicker chair and got into one of his Macarthur meeting trances. Boggo looked worried and whispered to me that he reckoned Fatty wouldn’t be able to make eight rolls because he was too nervous.

  Russell’s seven wors rolls was by far the best effort, and the nearest challenger was a large lady who had managed five. Eventually it was Fatty’s turn and there was loud laughter when his name was called out. The big guy strolled onto the stage looking like he meant business. He then sat down at the table and didn’t stop eating until he’d finished nine boerewors rolls. He then dabbed his mouth with a napkin, looked at De Wet and said, ‘Thank you very much. That was a delicious snack.’ The crowd roared and clapped. Boggo was so excited that he jumped up and down and then hugged me. The rest of the contestants threw in the towel and Fatty was declared the 1991 Nottingham Road Boerewors Eating Champion, and De Wet handed over the prize of one hundred bucks and half a sheep.

  There was quite a long debate about how to get the half sheep back to school. Fatty offered to stuff it in his shirt but Boggo said it would put too much weight on Fatty’s tyres which looked permanently on the verge of explosion. (I think Boggo was more worried about the half sheep becoming a quarter sheep.) Fatty then attached the half sheep to my handlebars but that made my bike keep veering out into the middle of the road. I was already getting nervous because just about every car hooted when they recognized Fatty and I was then forced to wave with one hand and look for hot girls while trying to stay in the emergency lane and keep the half sheep between the handlebars. Eventually, the half sheep was untied from the front of my bike and Boggo bravely strapped it to his back with the help of six shoelaces and my T-shirt.

  Unfortunately, the half sheep began to defrost on the way home and by the time we returned to school Boggo looked like a victim of the Texas chainsaw massacre. Further bad news was that the half sheep couldn’t fit in the prefects’ room freezer so Fatty said we had to eat it by Tuesday and stored the carcass under his bed.

  21:00 Feeling nauseous after watching Fatty eat half the half sheep which looked badly undercooked on Mad Dog’s gas cooker.

  Wednesday 6th February

  Boggo turned up at choir practice and told Mrs Roberts that I have turned professional and that she has to pay me if she wants me to sing in the choir. Mrs Roberts looked dismayed, but then Julian arrived on the scene and promptly grabbed Boggo by the hair and threw him out of the chapel.

  Anderson dragged Fatty into his room and demanded to know why there was a rotting piece of mutton under his bed. Fatty tried to explain but was still beaten with the sawn-off hockey stick and ordered to write a five thousand word essay on personal hygiene.

  Fatty then sent round a petition in prep whining about his brutal punishment for an innocent crime. One by one we signed the piece of paper and cunningly passed it on under the buzzard like glare of Death Breath. The petition eventually made its way back to Rambo who read it and then stuffed the entire page into his mouth before nonchalantly returning to his geometry. Fatty hissed across the classroom to Rambo (who was now chewing happily on the petition) but was caught out by Death Breath and given finger tongs with a blackboard duster.

  Fatty blamed the whole thing on the half sheep and said he was retiring from eating competitions if this is the thanks he gets for all his professional gluttony. He then shat all over Boggo and fired him as his agent. Boggo said that he couldn’t be fired because he has a binding legal document signed by Fatty that says that Boggo is his agent for life. Fatty studied the document and then slunk off to his bed mumbling on about being schnaaied by his best friend.

  I lay back on my bed and looked out through the open window at the full moon. I could hear crickets and the sound of a truck struggling up the hill in the distance. Poor Fatty kept groaning and whimpering. In that moment it didn’t seem so bad being me. At least I haven’t signed my life away to Boggo.

  Thursday 7th February

  I called Mermaid in the afternoon, but she said she was on her way out so we couldn’t chat.

  I was awoken sometime in the night by the sound of Vern beating his laundry bag with my cricket bat. He soon realized that Roger and I were staring at him so he stopped the thrashing the daylights out of his laundry and said, ‘Night swimming.’ Not sure if anybody is aware of this but Vern has now gone beyond mad and into the realm of the completely insane.

  Friday 8th February

  It poured with rain the entire day. By three o’clock there was a huge sign on the noticeboard saying that all cricket tomorrow has been cancelled. We were scheduled to play Blacksmith College in Durban. I have to say I’m secretly relieved it’s been cancelled because when we played them last year Mom went out in her sun dress to test the pitch and the whole Blacksmith team was doubled over with laughter.

  Next week is the big one – Kings College, and this time we are playing them at home. The Guv wants us to skin them alive! He calls Kings ‘the royal stain on our reputation’ and has called us for a team meeting on Sunday night.

  16:00 Mad Dog led the Crazy Seven on a duck diving mission. He sprinted onto the field and then took an enormous dive. He slid for about the length of a cricket pitch, jumped up and howled like a wolf. I only slid about ten metres but it was still an amazing feeling. Fatty embarrassed himself when he didn’t slide at all and made a huge hole in the ground. He then called Mad Dog a fool and limped off to the san, complaining about his back. Soon we were completely drenched and having a great time until Mr Hall drove up in his car and shat on us for destroying his field.

  During prep Boggo passed around a note that read:

  You are cordially invited to witness a first year flogging massacre outside Sparerib’s office at 20:00.

  20:00 A huge crowd gathered in the main quad outside Sparerib’s office to watch the first years being thrashed. The major highlight was when Spike sprinted out of the office rubbing his bum and then slipped and fell in the gutter. He tried to make it look like he did it on purpose but the jeering crowd didn’t buy it.

  21:45 There was a loud squeal outside our dormitory. Suddenly the door flew open and the lights were switched on. Julian had arrived for his first botty inspection of the year. He lined up the first years and told them all to strip. After a series of photographs, he announced that Thinny was the overall winner before complimenting one of the Darryls on having a shapely backside. The poor first years looked terrified as usual. Julian raised his forearm to his forehead like he was in the depths of despair and said, ‘Oh, to be young and smooth.’ He then shouted, ‘Goodnight, darlings’ and switched off the lights.

  Saturday 9th February

  Still raining. Boggo reckoned it’s officially a flood because the main quad is waterlogged. Fatty argued that a flood is only a flood if somebody drowns. Mad Dog offered to settle the debate by drowning a first year. The scary thing is that he wasn’t joking.

  08:15 Mom called in hysterics to say that our house has been broken into! She says the whole place has been ransacked and the TV, video machine and hi-fi are gone, along with her jewellery and clothes. She said that she and Dad had gone out to dinner and returned to find the door smashed off its hinges and the place i
n a mess. She then started sobbing and said she had to go because the police had come to take fingerprints.

  During Saturday maths I suddenly felt my skin crawl and the blood rush to my head. What if they’ve stolen my 1990 diary! I raced back to the house after class and called Mom, who was still crying. I asked her to check if there was a silver box with a padlock under my bed. While she went off to check I could feel a thumping in my chest. What if the burglars thought the box had money in it? I heard her footsteps down the passage and then her voice. ‘It’s still there.’ I gasped with relief. I could hear shouting and screaming in the background. Mom said it was just Dad chasing Blacky around the pool. Apparently, Dad is blaming Blacky for the break-in and wants to thrash him within an inch of his life. There was a crash and a huge splash, then Mom said, ‘Oh my God,’ and hung up.

  09:25 Wombat called in hysterics to say that her flat had been broken into as well. She said everything had been taken and told me to call the police.

  WHAT THE HELL’S GOING ON?

  09:28 I phoned Mom to tell her that Wombat had been robbed. Mom shouted, ‘Oh for God’s sakes!’ and hung up.

  09:35 Mom phoned to say that Wombat had got caught up in the excitement and was confused.

  09:38 I phoned Wombat to see if she was okay but before I could say anything she shouted, ‘I don’t want to buy anything!’ and hung up.

  09:50 Dad phoned and told me to pack my trunk because we’re leaving the country tonight. He then started swearing at Blacky and handed the phone to Mom who told me not to panic. (I think I’m the only one not panicking!)

  After all the madness I felt exhausted and went to bed wondering why the Miltons seem to have more catastrophes than everyone else combined.

  Sunday 10th February

  Mom called to say that everything was fine again and that the house had returned to order. Now Mom wants to emigrate and Dad still wants to drown Blacky in the swimming pool. Wombat has completely forgotten about the robbery and was playing carpet bowls with Ethel (another old wombat who lives upstairs in Wombat’s block of flats).

  20:00 The Guv met our cricket team in his classroom for a psyche up session. He said he had a plan that would leave us ‘victorious, happy and glorious’. He drew a map of the cricket pitch on the blackboard and said there were only two ways to beat Kings. The first option was to shoot them as they got off the bus. The second was to doctor the pitch. Mad Dog was the only player who voted for option one. Martin Leslie then asked The Guv if doctoring the pitch was legal. The Guv reckoned the Indians have been doing it for years and, besides, whatever the state of the pitch, it will be the same for both sides. His plan is to leave one side of the pitch completely green, which will make Mad Dog nearly unplayable. The other side of the pitch will look like the surface of the moon, which will make the ball spin a mile. Which is where I come in! The Guv plans to blame the dodgy pitch on the flood, although he reckons Kings College are so arrogant they won’t even care. Our coach also reckons that if we get some early wickets then Kings will fold up like a deck of cards because they have never been beaten and thus have no plan B. It sounds crazy, but who knows – it might just work! We marched back to our dorm ready for the revolution!

  Monday 11th February

  Thursday is Valentine’s Day. I have decided to spend my busking money on a huge bunch of flowers for Mermaid. I asked Mom if she would mind buying and delivering twenty-four roses and a card that reads:

  For my Mermaid Valentine. I love you.

  Mom said she would do it and I told her I had sixty-five rand to spend! I wish I could see Mermaid’s face when the roses arrive at her door.

  Everybody’s buzzing about Valentine’s Day. Boggo’s convinced he’ll receive something. He said he’s never had a card and is way overdue. Simon looked smug all day – no doubt he’ll fill his locker with cards. Rambo is sending one to Eve! He reckons it’s a joke but we aren’t convinced.

  Thursday 14th February

  VALENTINE’S DAY

  11:00 Just about the whole house waited anxiously for Julian to arrive with the post. Everybody pretended to be there by accident, but you could feel the excitement and tension in the air. Julian danced into the quad holding a huge box. He skipped across the grass and announced: ‘Love is in the air.’ He stood on a chair and everyone crowded around him no longer pretending to be cool. One by one he handed the cards out, making sarcastic comments and squealing every time there was a present or pink envelope.

  There was nothing for me.

  23:30 Rambo woke us all up to say that he had just bonked Eve in the theatre costume room. He reckons she dressed up as Mary Queen of Scots and ordered him to suck her big toe while fanning herself with a Chinese fan. Rambo said it was the sexiest thing he’s ever seen or done. Nobody was quite sure what to make of Rambo’s bonk story. I tried to imagine what our counsellor would look like dressed as a queen with her big toe in Rambo’s mouth. (I wouldn’t have thought this was good form for a queen or a counsellor.) Boggo tried to suck his big toe but just wasn’t flexible enough. He then woke up Runt and ordered him to suck on his big toe but Runt sprinted downstairs in terror and locked himself in a toilet. Boggo eventually gave up after rupturing a muscle in his side and cutting his top lip open with his toenail.

  Friday 15th February

  06:00 I couldn’t sleep last night.

  13:30 Nothing from Mermaid.

  15:30 Rambo has been walking round with a huge smile on his face. Everywhere he goes people have been stopping him to shake his hand. Nobody has seen Eve all day and her door is locked. Not everyone believes the story but the whole thing is very fishy…

  18:00 Still nothing.

  21:10 Mermaid called and said she was breaking up with me. I was so shocked I nearly dropped the phone. I managed to stammer out, ‘Why?’ She said it wasn’t about me, it was because of her. She then said I deserved better than her. (Is there anything better than her?) I couldn’t talk, my mouth was dry and I was struggling not to cry. She thanked me for the flowers and told me I was special. My bottom lip was shaking violently. All I could say was, ‘Please don’t.’ There was a pause and then she said, ‘I’m sorry, Johnny. I can’t do this anymore.’

  The line went dead.

  I sat there in the tiny little phone room holding onto the phone. I heard whispering and then laughter but I couldn’t see who it was because I had tears in my eyes.

  Saturday 16th February

  Kings College arrived and were shocked to see the state of the pitch. One side looked like it had been hit by an earthquake and the other looked like the Garden of Eden. The Guv turned to me with a wink and said, ‘Milton, cometh the hour, cometh the man!’ He then announced to the team: ‘Spud will be batting at three.’ Simon looked shocked but before he could say anything The Guv told him that if he lost the toss and we batted first he would lose the captaincy.

  The bongo drum crashed away in my chest as Simon walked out to the pitch with the Kings captain. Simon spun the coin, the Kings captain said something, they shook hands and Simon hung his head in despair. We were batting first on a psychopathic pitch. I ran to the toilet because I thought I was going to throw up but nothing came out. I then marched into the change room and padded up. Grey came up to me and wished me luck and gave me his helmet to wear. The Guv didn’t say why he’d given me a batting promotion. All he said was, ‘Swing hard, Milton. God knows a hundred may be a defendable total.’ Rambo came and sat next to me on the bench and said, ‘I heard about the Mermaid. Got tired of waiting for your balls to drop, did she?’ He sniggered and wished me luck. My hands were gripping the handle of my bat so hard I could feel the bones in my fingers clicking.

  The game began and Martin Leslie took strike at the green end. He missed the first three balls and was caught and bowled off the fourth. I staggered to my feet and strode to the wicket. Mom and Dad soon realized I was about to bat because there was mad shouting and general excitement from their corner of the ground. I took a wild swing at the f
irst ball which whizzed past my face. The Kings’ wicketkeeper sniggered and The Guv cleared his throat and glared at me over his glasses. In came the Kings College paceman and bowled another bouncer. I swung again and made contact. Unfortunately, I fell over so I wasn’t sure what happened until The Guv raised his arms aloft. SIX! I had hit my first ever six! Dad screamed and banged on the sightscreen while Mom charged back to the car and hooted. She then tried to flash the lights but switched the windscreen wipers on instead. The Kings bowler was livid but thankfully it was the end of the over so he couldn’t bowl me another bouncer. Scott was bowled first ball by a delivery that rolled along the ground after hitting a crack at the earthquake end. Simon cruised up to the wicket and said to me, ‘Spud, let’s have some fun.’

  We put on 45 runs together before my luck ran out and I hit the ball straight up in the air and was caught. I made 21 runs and walked off the field to a standing ovation from the team and more hooting, shouting and banging from the folks.

  Simon made 35 and thereafter it became a procession of batsmen walking in and slinking out. We were all out for 72!

  Nobody thought we had a chance until Mad Dog got a wicket off his third ball. He then took two more wickets and Kings were 13 for three after three overs. Simon walked up to me at the end of the over and handed me the ball. ‘Go get em, Spud.’ I was bowling the fourth over of the innings towards the earthquake end! I marked out my run up and took a deep breath. I then skipped in and bowled a ball that pitched on the wickets and spun a metre! The Kings batsman couldn’t believe it. I soon realized that if I pitched the ball anywhere near a crack at the earthquake end, the batsman would miss it. I think their batsman realized this too because he ran down the pitch to try and hit the ball before it bounced. He missed it and was stumped. The next batsman looked terrified and snicked straight to Rambo at slip. Like Mad Dog, I got two wickets in my first over.

  The Kings innings lasted eleven overs. Mad Dog took six wickets and I took four. Kings were all out for an embarrassing 39. Mad Dog and I led the team off the field to loud cheers and clapping. We marched into the change room and soon we were singing We Are the Champions. Everyone was hugging and throwing high fives. I felt happy for the first time in ages.