Spud

by Unknown

  ‘Hey, Spud! I heard the St Catherine’s bus just pulled in,’ said Boggo as he sprinted across the quad. I followed him across the quad feeling nauseous. All the boys were looking edgy and everywhere was loud bragging, mocking and the odd friendly beating. Cars were pulling up to the front of the school and each time a girl would get out of her parents’ car looking embarrassed. If the new arrival was beautiful, the noise would die down to a murmur as everyone stopped talking to gawk. If the bride was no oil painting there would be loud laughter and farm animal noises.

  I recognized Marge’s car. It stopped directly in front of the crowd of boys. The passenger door opened and a pair of black high heels clicked onto the cobblestone paving. A door slammed and Marge drove away – other than that there was complete silence. I stepped forward and held out my hand to her. There was a flash of white teeth, a flick of wispy blonde hair and the feeling of her soft lips on mine. I led Mermaid through the crowd. Every single boy had his eyes on her. It was impossible not to.

  I was soon reminded that this wasn’t a dream when there was a loud shout from the direction of the vestry roof. Everyone stopped in their tracks and watched in amazement at the action happening above us and about six feet below our old first year dormitory.

  Dressed in trench coats the Sad Six were all lined up along the vestry roof. I could see somebody pointing and directing from the dormitory window but couldn’t see the mastermind himself.

  Suddenly the Sad Six turned away from us and dropped their trench coats. They were stark naked and each backside had a letter painted on it. Reading from left to right the six letters read:

  MAD GOD

  Unfortunately for Mad Dog, his infamously crap spelling meant that Thinny and JR Ewing were positioned on the wrong side of Barryl so the joke was on him. Barryl (the letter O) stood out because he had white paint while the others had luminous green paint. We all agreed that the white circle on Barryl’s bum made him look disturbingly similar to the rear end of a waterbuck. Even worse news was that Anderson had witnessed the entire performance and had charged off to find his sawn-off hockey stick.

  I could never thank Mad Dog enough. It was the icebreaker we needed, and soon the Mermaid and I were laughing and sharing stories like old times. I noticed Mermaid kept touching my arm when she was talking to me and she kept saying how great it was to see me again. So far I’d achieved absolutely zero objectives from Mission Mermaid.

  I showed Mermaid to our table. I must admit it didn’t look good. Vern looked completely distressed that Anneline Kriel hadn’t rocked up and sat at the head of the table muttering to himself like Gollum. Fatty was finishing off the last of the garnish. (I assume he’d already finished the snacks.) Boggo’s date, Tanya, was twice the size of me and had an eyebrow that stretched across her face like the Great Wall of China. Boggo didn’t speak to his date and spent the entire dinner trying to edge closer to Mermaid and asked her a series of dumb questions. Whenever she said something Boggo would stare at her breasts and pretend to be deep in thought about what the Mermaid had just said. Tanya was also glaring at Mermaid while trying to swallow an entire bread roll.

  Dinner was tough. Fatty ate like a pig and dripped gravy all over his white shirt. Vern started breathing like Darth Vader again and placed his photograph of Anneline Kriel at the empty place setting to his right. Boggo waited patiently for Tanya to finish gorging herself on a chunk of rare roast beef before offering her a peppermint and a walk in the rose garden. As he was standing up, Boggo shoved a spoon in his mouth and gave us a demonstration of what he was expecting in the rose garden. Mermaid blushed and looked away. Unfortunately, this meant that she was looking straight at Vern, who seemed to be arguing with his dessertspoon. After a minute Mermaid and I followed Boggo and Tanya out of the hall and headed out through the main archway in the direction of the cricket fields.

  We sheltered from the freezing drizzle under a pine tree near the cricket nets. Mermaid leant against the tree and shivered. I stood opposite her with my hands in my pockets, took a deep breath and asked the question:

  What happened?

  Mermaid stared at me like I’d just asked her to execute someone. She waved her fingers near her face as if to cool herself down, also took a deep breath and said, ‘I’ve been practising this for four months.’ I didn’t say anything because I was counting back months to April. She sent me a birthday card on my birthday so that must have been a sign. The only reason I hadn’t replied in the end was because Simon said I would be castrating myself if I did. This also meant that all the time I had been hiding in her bushes watching her like a pervert I could have just walked up the driveway and kissed her!

  Mermaid talked until my face went numb with cold. Most of it I didn’t listen to because at one stage she said she still loved me and I struggled to concentrate on anything she said after that.

  The surfer dude in the white Golf goes by the name of Cameron. (Just the sort of name I was expecting.) When she first mentioned him I had a vivid image in my mind of beating him to a pulp in front of the Mermaid. But then she told me that he has a karate black belt and can also throw knives and eat fire, so it’s probably better that I resent him from afar.

  After Mermaid’s marathon apology I told her that I forgave her and said that what’s past should stay in the past. Unfortunately, that set her off crying and going on about what a terrible person she was. I didn’t know what to do so I just stood under the tree and watched her sobbing in respectful silence. Eventually she stopped crying and told me I was her soulmate and that she wants to be friends with me forever.

  This was bad news.

  Rambo reckons that when a girl says she wants to be friends it means she either finds you repulsive or she’s found a guy who’s hung like a donkey. I tried to flush the nasty image of well hung farm animals out of my mind and racked my brains for something clever to say. All I could manage was ‘Me too.’ I was just starting to work up the courage to move forward to try and kiss her when we were interrupted by Boggo and Tanya. Boggo looked red in the face and had a disturbing grin on his face. Tanya had wet grass stuck to the back of her pants and looked a little out of breath. I thought Boggo had approached for a reason but instead he pinned Tanya against the tree and started kissing her right in front of us. I noticed him squinting at Mermaid out the corner of his eye while he plunged his tongue down Tanya’s throat. Boggo was also making weird groaning noises and breathing loudly through his nose so Mermaid and I decided to make a break for the Great Hall.

  Back at the dance things were looking a bit grim. Fatty had apparently thrown up under a table after nearly choking to death on his toothpick. Mad Dog was also making loud sheep bleats and mooning people in the quad at regular intervals from the safety of the vestry roof.

  Walk Like an Egyptian began playing and Mermaid said she was feeling sorry for Vern and skipped onto the dance floor and started dancing with my deranged cubicle mate, who was making strange robotic movements in the far corner by himself. Vern blushed bright red and his tongue hung out of the corner of his mouth as he concentrated on his spasmodic dance moves. He looked absolutely thrilled when Mermaid began dancing with him and started inching in closer and grinning at her in a worrying fashion. Around me guys were saying, ‘No ways! Check, okes!’ Someone said it looked like beauty and the beast.

  Suddenly DJ Pike switched on the mirror ball and Emberton darted down from the DJ booth, strode onto the dance floor and told Vern to get lost. Emberton then grabbed Mermaid’s hand and started slow dancing with her. The music abruptly changed and Pike played The Bangles’ Eternal Flame. (No doubt the matrics were hunting as a pack and they’d identified Mermaid as their target!) Mermaid seemed a little uncomfortable about being so close to Emberton whose right hand was slowly edging down her back towards her bum. Vern didn’t look too happy with developments either and started slow dancing with an imaginary partner right next to them.

  Suddenly a strong hand grabbed me by the collar of my blazer and yanked
me backwards. It was Rambo. ‘Spud, wake up, you dipshit! Emberton’s closing in! Snap out of it!’ Then Boggo was in my face, saying, ‘You can’t let him schnaai your Mermaid! Oh, and by the way, if your chick grabs Emberton then I’m having a go after he’s finished with her.’

  I strode onto the dance floor like I was ready for a fight. Thank God Mermaid broke away from Emberton the moment she saw me and soon she and I were slow dancing together. I looked into her eyes and started moving in for the big kiss but yet again the moment was ruined. There was a shriek of static and Pike’s booming voice came over the microphone. ‘Ladies and gentlemen! A big hand for Devries for hitting the jackpot!’ A spotlight shone against the far wall of the dance floor and there were Devries and Tanya grabbing each other. Everyone cheered and Devries carried on kissing her while raising his left fist in triumph. Boggo and Rambo sprinted onto the dance floor but it was too late. There was a shriek of static and Pike’s voice boomed over the microphone again. ‘Sorry, Boggo, but your girl says you smell of fish paste and your dick’s too small. Oh, and thanks for the hundred bucks, guys!’

  So we lost our bet, Boggo lost his date and Tanya lost her reputation.

  I didn’t have the guts to kiss Mermaid in front of Marge’s car so I gave her a lame hug instead. I watched Marge’s car disappear into the mist and kicked a stone off the road. I should have kissed her. I definitely should have kissed her.

  I felt a thump on my back – it was Rambo. ‘Hey, Spud, what’s the point of having a hot chick if you’re gonna treat her like your sister? No wonder she dumped you.’ I felt a familiar feeling – it was the feeling of dropping an easy catch in a cricket match.

  I lay in bed, staring at the ceiling, replaying the night in my head. I had had three definite chances to make my move and had chickened out every time.

  Mental Note: When in doubt, kiss her.

  Sunday 18th August

  Woke up early in the morning feeling exhausted. I tried to go back to sleep but Vern was making a loud whistling sound in his nose so I gave up and headed for the showers. Because everyone was still asleep I had a twenty-minute shower during which time I replayed a highlights version of last night in my head. Unfortunately, my early morning meditation was disturbed by Julian, who strode into the showers wearing a bright red satin dressing gown and looking terribly upset. I said hello and then to avoid an awkward moment I washed my hair. When I had finished a thorough washing of my hair, I opened my eyes to see Julian sobbing and holding his wrist against his forehead. I asked him what was wrong. He said, ‘Spud, oh Spud, please don’t make me explain – it’s too difficult.’ I nodded and switched off my shower. Julian then called me a ‘cold hearted brute’ and ordered me to switch on my shower again. By now I had been showering and cleaning myself for over half an hour and my skin was turning bright pink like a prawn.

  ‘Today is my last Eucharist,’ said Julian. ‘Friday week I leave this school forever.’ I didn’t know what to say, so I told him that the thought of him leaving made me very sad as well. Julian told me I had a pure soul and that I would make somebody very happy one day. He then started howling again. Thankfully, Vern arrived for a bog inspection and started accusing somebody in the toilet of bad form in the bogs and surrounds. I took the gap, switched off my tap and made a break for it.

  10:00 Pike, Devries and Emberton marched into our dormitory and demanded their winnings. Poor Boggo was forced to hand over a hundred bucks to the man who had kissed his date! Pike told us that the next time we couldn’t satisfy our women, he’d be happy to fill in for a special rate of fifty bucks. Then he turned to me and said, ‘So I hear your girlfriend dumped you because you’re a homo.’ I tried to laugh along but the sound that came out of my mouth sounded harsh and high-pitched.

  17:00 Mad Dog was beaten three by Sparerib and put on Absolute Final Warning for his bad behaviour last night.

  20:00 Mom phoned to say that all Dad had returned with from his Transkei treasure hunt was two speeding fines and a bout of flu.

  Monday 19th August

  15:30 Had an hour long phone call to Mermaid. I can’t remember what we talked about, although we did spend the last half of the conversation arguing about who was going to say goodbye first. Eventually Death Breath came into the phone room and told me to get off the phone because he wanted to phone his sick granny. Mermaid and I both said goodbye together.

  Bad news is that Mermaid mentioned the F word again. Even worse is that she reckons she talks to me like she does to her girlfriends. She says this means we have a special bond.

  Now even Mermaid thinks I’m gay!

  Wednesday 21st August

  Had a rather unsuccessful afternoon fumbling around in the human physiology section of the library looking for a green and white striped book on human anatomy. Boggo says there’s a picture on page 124 of a brunette with a ‘nine out of ten’ pair of knockers. Since he also rates Mermaid’s boobs as a nine out of ten (and since I’ve never seen Mermaid’s boobs) I was trying to get an idea of what I might expect to see in the hopefully not too distant future. I’m also making a conscious effort to be more manly.

  After searching all over the Biology section I eventually found the green and white striped book on human anatomy hiding between a manual on skin disease and a book on renal failure. Page 124 had been ripped out.

  Then I found a book called Plague. I didn’t want to open it but I did anyway. On the inside cover was a grisly picture of a huge pile of bodies wrapped in white sheets. Underneath it said: COUNTING THE COST – TANZANIA 85.

  ‘Milton the poet!’ boomed a loud voice right behind me.

  The librarian (Mrs Hall) shot The Guv a dirty look that he completely ignored. He peered at the books behind me and then frowned at me over the rims of his horn-rimmed spectacles and cried, ‘Biology, Milton, biology? Have you gone ball bouncingly crackers?’ There was a loud Shhhhhh from the returns desk and Mrs Hall shook her head at us and looked sour. I told The Guv that I was reading up on the plague. The Guv staggered back looking horrified and cried, ‘You haven’t got the clap, have you?’ (Not sure what the clap is but it sounds worse than the plague.) I then asked him what he was doing in the Biology section. ‘Oh, the usual, Milton,’ he replied. ‘Page 124 of the green and white striped book, of course.’ I informed The Guv about the missing page. He shouted ‘Balls!’ and thumped his walking stick into the floor. Mrs Hall then lost her temper and shouted at The Guv and told him he was setting a poor example to the boys. The Guv shouted back at Mrs Hall and told her her library was a complete disgrace and that the Biology shelves were in utter turmoil. He tapped me on the leg with his stick and whispered, ‘You see how she flirts?’ He then stood up straight and said, ‘Monday lunch, Milton. You, me and the EEC.’ With that he stormed out of the library, slamming the door behind him.

  I told Boggo that The Guv knew about page 124 of the green and white striped book and that meant the book must have been around when The Guv was a student! Boggo seemed quite thrilled about it and said that this confirmed his belief that ‘a good pair of knockers are forever.’

  Friday 23rd August

  Barryl arrived at my bed after lunch and said that I had to report to Julian’s bed immediately. (I assumed that he meant bedroom.) I knocked on Julian’s door and there was a long pause and then a loud shout of ‘Come!’

  When Julian saw me he placed his hand on his chest and gasped, ‘Oh, thank God it’s you. I thought it was Anderson. He really is a giant prick, you know, and I don’t mean that as a compliment.’

  Julian closed his curtains and then turned on me like I’d done something wrong. ‘Spud, you depress me, you really do.’ I didn’t know what he was talking about so I did my usual trick of shaking my head and looking sadly out the window. Unfortunately, the curtains were closed so I must have looked like an idiot. Julian didn’t seem to notice and carried on with his speech. ‘I watch you out there in the congregation every Sunday looking alienated and rejected and my heart feels like it could
just burst.’ I nodded and tried my best to look alienated and rejected. Julian placed his arm on my shoulder and said, ‘Poor boy.’

  ‘So,’ continued Julian in a voice that didn’t quite sound his own, ‘I have decided that in my final days as Head Chorister I am going to bestow a presidential pardon on you. You are herewith christened a tenor and you are once again a member of the choir.’ I wasn’t quite expecting this news, so as a result I couldn’t think of a single thing to say. ‘But,’ said Julian with a finger pointed upwards, ‘I have one condition, and one condition only. You are under no circumstances to sing!’ I told Julian it was a crazy idea, but Julian would have none of it. He said in a year’s time when I have a tenor voice that can melt chocolate I will get down on my knees and thank him. Then he started sniffing and going on about how much he’ll miss the choir and the school. I couldn’t exactly turn him down so I thanked him and left.

  There is no way in hell I’m going back to the choir until I can sing without having a knackjump or sounding like a toucan.

  Sunday 25th August

  I told Julian I couldn’t sing with the choir today because I didn’t know any of the hymns. I explained that without knowing the hymns my lip-synching would be out of synch. I then promised him I would take Hymns Ancient & Modern home with me and learn the songs over the long weekend. Julian sucked the whole lot in, unaware that he was being conned by a cunning Spud Milton.

  Rambo, Fatty and Mad Dog have spent the entire weekend in the Mad House. They haven’t even slept in the dormitory! By the time the rest of us joined them for free bounds they were completely smashed and had tied themselves to the tree with ropes so that in their drunken state they didn’t fall out. Rambo reckoned they’d finished a bottle of brandy and a bottle of vodka and smoked two packets of cigarettes between them since Saturday morning. Rambo organized one of the grounds staff to buy the booze and cigarettes from the station café in return for a huge tip. Thankfully, there were only a few Camels left so I wasn’t forced to smoke. I noticed two big black wings hanging from the ceiling of the Mad House. Turns out Mad Dog shot a crow with his catapult. Fatty wasn’t impressed with the crow’s wings though, and said they would bring bad luck to the Mad House. Mad Dog said he didn’t believe in luck and that he had a drawer of crows’ wings at home and nothing bad has ever happened to him.