The Accidental Honeymoon

by Portia MacIntosh

  Taking my seat at the table, I fidget with my place card anxiously. What the hell am I supposed to say to Jack? Oh, hello, I want to be with you now if you’ll still have me, if you still haven’t realised you can do better? Doesn’t exactly roll off the tongue, does it?

  ‘Hey, princess,’ I hear Jack say from behind me.

  ‘Hi,’ I reply, a big smile plastered across my face.

  But as Jack reaches to pull out the chair next to me, another hand reaches out, too.

  ‘John, seriously, what are you still doing here?’ I ask, frustrated.

  He isn’t looking at me, though, he’s glaring at Jack. And now Jack knows who he’s standing next to, he’s glaring right back.

  ‘OK, boys, why don’t the three of us step outside for a moment?’ I say as cheerily as possible, doing my best to defuse the situation. I feel a scene coming on, and not one I’m going to have creative control over.

  ‘So, you’re the husband,’ John says.

  ‘So, you’re the dick who cheated on her,’ Jack replies.

  They’re talking at a normal level right now, but if other people were sitting at this table they’d be able to hear everything. Soon enough everyone will be taking their seats – I need to shut this down.

  ‘Guys, come on,’ I say, but they’re not listening.

  ‘You know she only married you on the rebound, right?’ John says. ‘She was engaged to me.’

  ‘She was stuck with you,’ Jack replies. ‘You’d been neglecting her for too long. You almost did her a favour by cheating on her, setting her free from a loveless relationship.’

  ‘What do you mean by neglecting her?’ John asks, raising his voice.

  ‘What do you think I mean?’ Jack laughs. ‘For a pianist it doesn’t sound like you were very good with your hands.’

  I sink down into my chair with shame. Just kill me, and make it quick.

  John’s face flushes with rage.

  ‘You steal my fiancée, you disrespect me in front of her…’

  Jack laughs.

  ‘Well, allow me to apologise. God forbid I tarnish your impeccable reputation,’ Jack says sarcastically.

  John squares up to him a little, which is almost hilarious, given the fact that the only thing I’ve ever seen him hit is the hay.

  ‘You don’t know me,’ John says.

  ‘Buddy, I’ve spent the past week being you,’ Jack points out. ‘Loving Georgie, hanging out with her awesome family – easiest job in the world. And you couldn’t even manage it.’

  Voices are raised now and, looking around the room, I notice that all eyes are on them. Still, without context, no one knows what’s going on.

  ‘You think you can just pretend to be me and swan around with my fiancée?’ John yells.

  And there’s the context.

  ‘She’s not your fiancée any more,’ Jack reminds him. ‘She’s my wife.’

  ‘What?’ I hear my mum’s disappointed voice from behind me.

  Looking around, I see most of my family standing there, taking in the floorshow.

  ‘You’re married?’ my mum says, stunned.

  ‘Kinda,’ I reply.

  ‘And, to who exactly?’ Fliss asks. ‘Who is this man? Is this another one of your weird stripper friends?’

  ‘I’m John, the man she lives with – the man who loves her.’

  ‘No, he’s the asshole who cheated on her and broke her heart,’ Jack points out.

  Out of nowhere, John takes a swing at Jack, his fist heading straight for Jack’s face.

  Jack ducks, causing John to stumble forward a little.

  ‘Whoa, OK,’ I say, standing between them. ‘This needs to stop.’

  ‘Don’t worry, Georgie, I’m not going to fight him,’ Jack says.

  ‘Why not?’ John asks.

  ‘Because I’d kill you,’ Jack laughs.

  ‘Daddy, do something,’ Fliss cries. ‘They’re ruining my wedding.’

  John charges at Jack again, who once again steps out of the way.

  John, unable to put the brakes on, goes hurtling into my Uncle Barry, causing them both to go crashing to the floor.

  ‘My fucking ankle,’ Barry yells.

  Everything grinds to a halt. For a second the room is silent. Then Fliss busts into tears and, within a matter of seconds, her beautiful make-up is practically sliding off her face.

  My Auntie Di comes storming over, like a typical teacher, ready to sort everyone out.

  ‘You two boys need to leave immediately,’ she tells John and Jack.

  ‘Of course,’ Jack replies.

  ‘Whatever,’ John snaps. ‘Georgie, when you come to your senses I’ll be in room 220.’

  ‘I’m so sorry,’ I start, but Fliss doesn’t let me finish.

  ‘Get out, Georgie,’ she says through her tears. ‘I can’t believe you’ve ruined my wedding.’

  I sigh deeply. She’ll never believe that everything I’ve done that has caused this, was actually supposed to prevent something like this from happening. I thought things were a mess before, but they’re even worse now.

  Unsure what to do without doing any more damage, I do as my cousin asks and leave my family to get on with the wedding without me. I feel like such a letdown and such a disappointment right now. It’s for the best I leave the room, if not the country.

  Chapter Thirty-Nine

  Sitting on the beautiful staircase where we all had our photos taken earlier, I watch as people come and go from the hotel. I wonder if any of them have fucked up their life as spectacularly as I have. I don’t know how long I’ve been sitting here, but I’m not sure where else to go.

  ‘Georgie?’ I hear my mum’s voice.

  ‘Hi,’ I say weakly.

  My mum takes a seat next to me on the step.

  I feel a tear roll down my cheek, which I quickly wipe away, but my mum sees it.

  ‘Come on,’ she says as she wraps her arm around me. ‘Start from the beginning.’

  It takes me a second or two to get started, but once I start I sing like a bird, about everything, from start to finish. My mum sits quietly and listens, squeezing me supportively as I talk.

  ‘Love, you know you could have just told us the truth. We would’ve looked after you,’ she says.

  ‘I know,’ I sob. ‘But I didn’t want to cause any upset. And then I married Jack, and things seemed even worse, but then I thought maybe he could be the answer to all my problems.’

  ‘Georgie, you know we love you, and we just want you to be happy. What John did to you was awful, but if you still love him, then we’ll support you. And Jack, well, yes, we all think he’s wonderful, and if you love him, then we’ll figure that out, too. But Fliss was right to be upset. Whether you intended it or not, this shouldn’t have happened today. Things are carrying on with the wedding – and she will forgive you – but I think you need to sort this out before you try and come back in, because we can’t have any more upset.’

  ‘OK,’ I say softly. ‘I’ll fix this… just as soon as I figure out how.’

  ‘You need to decide who you want to be with,’ my mum tells me, taking a tissue from her clutch for me to dry my eyes. ‘Maybe it’s John, maybe it’s Jack – maybe it’s no one. But you need to let people know where they stand. If you love either of them, you need to go and tell them right away. You only get so many chances in life.’

  I may have spent my life wishing my mum were cooler, or that she nagged me less, or that she kept her nose out of my business, but now I can see that, with everything she’s ever done, she’s always had my best interests at heart. I’m lucky to have her.

  ‘OK, I’ll do that now. Please tell Fliss I’m sorry, and that I’ll make this up to her, and that I’m going to sort this mess out and come back to the wedding, if she’ll have me.’

  Sure of what I need to do, I slip off my heels and run up the stairs.

  Standing outside room 220, I take a deep breath before knocking on the door.

  ‘Georg
ie,’ John says with surprise as he opens the door. ‘Come in.’

  ‘I’m not stopping,’ I tell him. ‘Look, it’s over. You know it as well as I do. We had some good times together but there’s no recovering from what happened.’

  John sighs.

  ‘How can you be so sure?’ he asks.

  ‘Because I love Jack,’ I tell him. ‘I’m sorry if that’s hard to hear, but I do.’

  ‘Well, I don’t know what else I can say,’ he replies solemnly.

  ‘I’ll be flying back in a couple of days. I’ll stop by to clear out my things, but then I’m moving back here.’

  ‘I can’t believe this is happening,’ he says weakly.

  For a second, I feel guilty. We’ve built a life together. Am I really going to throw it all away?

  ‘I would have stayed with you forever,’ I tell him. ‘But it wouldn’t have been out of love. You deserve better than that.’

  John gives me a half-smile.

  ‘Well, goodbye,’ I say, taking off my engagement ring and handing it to him.

  ‘Bye,’ he replies.

  The second he closes his hotel-room door I feel my face light up. I know it’s awful, the way everything has happened, but finally there’s nothing to hold me back. I can go and find Jack and we can be ourselves, without needing to lie or pretend anymore.

  Outside our hotel room, I take out the keycard I haven’t actually needed to use yet and open the door.

  ‘Jack?’ I call out, but there’s no sign of him. I check the bathroom, too, but he’s nowhere to be seen.

  I glance around the room, but other than a few items of his disposable clothing, neither Jack nor any of his personal belongings are anywhere to be seen. I should have known that, after I unceremoniously rejected him and then sat there while my ex tried to fight him, he wouldn’t stick around.

  As I head back down in the lift I slip my heels back on. I was going to try and re-join to the wedding, but I’m not even sure they’ll have me.

  As I slink in through the door, I eyeball my mum, and hurry straight over to her.

  ‘How did it go?’ my mum asks.

  ‘I went to see John,’ I tell her. Her face falls as I say his name. ‘Just to tell him it’s over. Then I went to find Jack, but I think he’s gone.’

  My mum chuckles.

  ‘Don’t be so worried,’ she replies.

  ‘Ladies and gentlemen, the bride and groom will now take to the floor for their first dance,’ the DJ announces.

  Oh God, the dance. At least I don’t have to be a part of it now – not that I could have done it without Jack anyway.

  Fliss and Dougie take to the floor and you’d never know she’d been crying, unlike me, who caught sight of my horrible panda eyes in the lift a few minutes ago.

  At the side of the dance floor I spy my Uncle Barry, sitting on a chair with his foot propped up.

  ‘Oh God, don’t tell me he’s going to have to sit the dance out?’ I say to my mum, feeling terrible.

  ‘Yes, he’s gone over on his ankle, unfortunately,’ she replies. ‘Your auntie will be fine, though, she has a new dance partner.’

  As the other couples emerge to join in with the routine, I notice that my Auntie Di does have a new dance partner: Jack.

  My auntie is practically swooning as they perform the routine together, each step absolutely flawless.

  ‘Jack came back not too long ago. He said he was worried Barry might not be able to do the routine and offered to fill in for him. Naturally Fliss was so relieved, I don’t think she holds him responsible for any upset.’

  ‘Just me,’ I reply.

  ‘No, your auntie and I had a chat while you were gone,’ my mum says. ‘We both acknowledged we sometimes measure you and Fliss against each other, and that might have made it hard for you to own up to what was going on.’

  I smile.

  As Jack moves around the floor with my auntie, I catch his eye and he smiles at me.

  Once the routine finishes, he heads straight over to me.

  ‘Georgie,’ he starts, but he doesn’t get to finish.

  ‘Is there a Jack Bolton here?’ the DJ calls out. Everyone looks over to him, only to see two police officers standing next to him.

  ‘More strippers, Georgie?’ Fliss asks me, clearly nowhere near to forgiving me.

  ‘Not guilty,’ I joke.

  Neither the male nor the female officer looks especially happy about being called a stripper.

  ‘That’s me,’ Jack says, stepping forward.

  ‘Sir, we’re going to need to ask you a few questions,’ the female officer says.

  ‘What’s this about?’ I ask.

  The officer nods towards the door where Betty is standing with another two officers.

  ‘Mrs Bonneville’s family came to visit her today, except she wasn’t there. Supposedly her nephew, Jack, had taken her on a trip, but it turns out she doesn’t have a nephew called Jack.’

  ‘Oh shit,’ Jack blurts. ‘I thought she was my auntie.’

  ‘If you could just come with us to the station, I’m sure we can figure this all out,’ the male officer says. ‘This way, please.’

  Jack lets out a little laugh.

  ‘Sure,’ he says, before turning to me. ‘I’ll be in touch.’

  I watch as Jack is escorted out by police officers – I’d imagine on suspicion of kidnapping an old lady. Today has been such a weird day.

  Chapter Forty

  Standing on Blackpool pier, I feel the chill of the breeze as the sun begins to set. Not long after he was carted off by police, Jack texted me to let me know he hadn’t been arrested, that everything was OK, and that he’d meet me here, so we could talk away from the wedding party – lest we cause any more problems.

  It’s starting to get a bit dark now, which is when the pier comes to life with lights. Blackpool sometimes gets a bad rap, but it’s beautiful here, and I’m surrounded by happy people, all clearly having such a wonderful time.

  Kids are squealing with joy on the carousel, young lads are trying to win prizes for their dates and people are walking past me with all kinds of delicious-smelling foods – which reminds me, I’m pretty hungry, seeing as I didn’t get to eat at the wedding.

  I’m still in my wedding outfit, which makes me feel a little self-conscious. It’s not that it isn’t nice, it’s just different, and it makes me stand out a mile.

  ‘Hey, princess,’ Jack says, sidling up beside me as I look out at the water.

  ‘Hey, yourself,’ I reply, giving him a nudge. ‘They let you out then.’

  ‘Yeah, so it turns out Betty is not my auntie. Elizabeth Bonneville already has a family, who thought I was trying to con her out of her money. Betty and I sorted it out, though. She vouched for me. She says she loves me, even though I’m not her nephew, and she loves you, even though you’re not my fiancée. She said she can’t thank us enough for taking her out and showing her a good time. She said we’ve to visit her as often as possible.’

  ‘She’s a sweet lady,’ I laugh. ‘So when you said you were her nephew…’

  ‘She just took my word for it. She thought her memory was failing her, we thought she was confused… I guess I should have known finding my real auntie wouldn’t be so easy. Who knows if she’s still alive, or maybe my mum made her up. I don’t know.’

  ‘So, what now?’ I ask.

  ‘Now,’ he starts, taking me by the arm. ‘We go on the wheel.’

  I’ve been standing next to the big wheel for a while now. I know they’re big – the clue is in the title, after all – but I always forget just how tall they are until I’m standing next to one.

  ‘Seriously?’ I laugh.

  ‘Seriously,’ he replies.

  We both climb inside one of the little round cages. It’s not exactly a million miles from the one on Santa Monica Beach, but this one does have bars to keep you inside. Is that the difference between LA and Blackpool? In LA, no one worries you’re going to try and jump out wh
en you get to the top.

  ‘So, your ex seems nice,’ Jack jokes.

  ‘Oh God, I’m sorry,’ I laugh, embarrassed. ‘I’m sorry he tried to fight you.’

  ‘Yeah, what is it about my face that makes people want to punch it?’ he laughs.

  The wheel starts moving with a slight judder that makes me feel a little uneasy.

  ‘I’m—’

  ‘Look—’

  Jack and I both attempt to talk at the same time.

  ‘You first,’ I insist.

  ‘Last night, all I did was sit and think about everything. And you’re right,’ he says. ‘With the way things were, it wasn’t very fair of me to tell you I was moving here without talking to you first.’

  ‘It’s a great opportunity, you should take it,’ I insist.

  ‘It is,’ he agrees. ‘But I want to be with you, and if that isn’t here, then I’ll go wherever that is.’

  ‘You sure about that?’ I laugh. ‘Because after I pay you for this week, I’m not going to have much money left.’

  ‘It was never really about the money,’ he tells me. ‘It’s all yours, whether we separate or not. Still want that annulment?’

  ‘Less and less by the minute,’ I admit. ‘What about you?’

  ‘I don’t think it’s taken me as long to realise that we’re supposed to be together,’ he laughs. ‘I think you had me at that kiss.’

  ‘Oh, I can’t take the credit for that. The way you picked me up… great moves.’

  As we laugh together the wheel comes to a sudden halt. I freeze in my seat.

  ‘Have we stopped moving?’ I ask, trying not to panic.

  ‘It seems like it,’ Jack replies coolly.

  That’s when I remember our fake proposal story, where we got stuck together at the top of the Santa Monica wheel, when Jack supposedly paid the guy to pretend it had broken down.

  ‘Oh, I see what you’re doing – very good,’ I laugh.