7 Deadly Roommates

by George Saoulidis

  What. An. Asshole.

  The large man noticed her glaring at him, and said, “What do you want, midget?” He scoffed and walked away, not bothering with her any longer.

  Ira’s nails were practically digging into her palms. She dashed forward and tackled the large man from behind. She didn’t need to fight fair. He weighed twice as much as she did, after all.

  The large man groaned as he fell hard on the pavement. Ira climbed on top of him and dug her heel in his belly. He cried out in pain as she stomped him with her full weight. He fought her, clawing at her. She stomped on his knee. He punched her straight in the face, making her nose bloody.

  The beggar cried out and ran away.

  Ira went full-on rage and punched the large man. Her fists pounded on meat, her knuckles bled and cut open, her face a single expression of wrath.

  She delivered each word with a punch to his face, “Midget. Is. Not. The. Politically. Correct. Term!”

  She continued doing so until he stopped moving.

  Chapter 8: Evie

  “Wait, so you actually went to get her some lemonade?” Evie asked, speaking on the phone. She was lying on her back, her hair falling over the edge of the bed. She liked positioning herself like that and putting her feet up on the cool wall.

  “Yeah, I’m at the periptero around the corner,” Horace sighed over the phone. He spoke of the kiosks that carried pretty much everything under the sun, those little shops located at every Greek corner.

  Evie knew which one he was talking about. She’d hang out with him sometimes at home, Kifisia was a great suburb with lots of pinetrees and flowers. They’d watch movies or play board games together, and the periptero was a constant destination for a resupply run of munchies and soft drinks. Thinking of soft drinks, she pinched her belly. It was far more pinchable than she liked. She had to work out more.

  But she didn’t wannaaa.

  She huffed all alone, covering her eyes with her free arm.

  “Horace, she broke into your house.”

  “I know. But this thing, ugh. It’s weird, but it doesn’t feel threatening. The thing with the app and the tokens.”

  “You said the other woman literally mentioned danger.” By the goddess, he was so thick-headed sometimes.

  “She’s snoozing right now, with a soft snore and everything. Anyway, we’ll see. She might be an addict or something, the way she moves... I’ll kick her out tomorrow.”

  Evie felt a pang of jealousy. It was irrational, she knew that. Horace wasn’t her boyfriend. He wasn’t her anything. She never admitted that she took that horrible temp job just to be around him for a few hours longer each day.

  That stupid, geeky man wasn’t hers. At hearing that another woman would spend the night dozing off on his sofa, that stung her a bit. It was their thing, their sofa. They hadn’t done anything more than just hang out and laugh and whatever, but it was their thing.

  Not this strange woman’s who had broken into his home.

  How fucked up was that?

  “But for now, you’re gonna bring her lemonade.”

  Horace inhaled deeply. “Sure, why not?”

  Oh, you poor, stupid man.

  Evie imagined that slut all over Horace. ‘Bring me some lemonade,’ she imagined her squeaky voice in her mind. ‘Bring me ice cream, it’s hot.’ ‘Ooph, I’m gonna take this off, I hope you don’t mind.’

  She shuddered and pushed the images away.

  What was this all of a sudden? Her? Jealous? She hadn’t felt so jealous before. Maybe it was because she was thirty and all her friends had married off and got proper careers. She had carefully removed quite a lot of people from her Agora page. She didn’t wanna get assaulted by the constant barrage of marriage and baby pics.

  It was too much.

  She knew Horace from high school. They’d been friends on and off as their lives shifted into adulthood, but lately they had found they liked hanging out together. He was very nerdy, into those fantasy games and cartoon ladies that practically wore nothing at all and video games with the same thing, but animated in polygons.

  She thought it was ridiculous at first, but after getting over her initial repulsion she found that she damn well enjoyed those games. She loooved being a badass sorceress that could call on flame and burn her enemies, her boobs jiggling with carefully implemented physics. She loved hacking through enemies as a female troll, impervious to physical damage, shrugging off cuts and slashes, killing enemies with her big magical sword.

  She loved the escape from her miserable life.

  Sure, the community at large was a bunch of weirdos. Nerdy, with glasses, most of them definitely virgins.

  Horace wasn’t a virgin, she knew that. In fact, she knew all of his past conquests, even that summer fling he hadn’t told anyone about with a older teacher at Crete.

  No, Horace was... How would she describe him?

  Not fit, certainly. He didn’t work out much but had an average proper body. A slightly receding hairline in his brown hair. She didn’t mind that, judging by his dad, age would look good on him.

  Evie really liked his hands, though. Soft, triangular, artistic. He could make a lot of things with those hands. He could paint, he could assemble models of fantasy waggons and sci-fi tanks, he could work things on the computer.

  He was a head taller than her, but she was short to begin with. She liked stepping on her toes to hug him goodnight.

  Evie realised she was grinning like an idiot.

  Horace was telling her more things but she hadn’t heard a thing. “So, we’ll see for the weekend, right?”

  “Um, sure. Text me,” she replied.

  “Okay,” he said, and hung up.

  Evie felt flushed, even hotter than she felt before. The phone was also overheating, making the side of her face sweat.

  Yeah, that was it. She pfted.

  It was the phone, heating up. There was nothing more to it. She put her feet up on the cool wall.

  Chapter 9: Horace

  Horace got back inside his home. He peeked into the living room to double-check that he wasn’t imagining things. Nope, there she was, Acedia, snoring softly, the blanket up to her waist, TV still playing.

  What was he going to do with her? He didn’t really believe their story but he didn’t have the heart to kick her out. Did she wanna move in?

  Horace wouldn’t mind that, he definitely had the space to spare and needed the cash. But could she even afford anything?

  Acedia looked like the apotheosis of that lazy friend you had at university, the one bumming all your cigarettes, crashing on your couch, eating all your leftover pizza.

  The one who inserted himself like a leech into your life until things got too serious to ignore and you had to cut him off rudely.

  He put the lemonade plus a few more munchies in the fridge. He noticed it running warm, so he leaned inside and adjusted the temperature. It wasn’t Summer yet but the days kept getting hotter and hotter.

  His leftover anger for Acedia barging into his place and planting herself on his sofa evaporated quickly.

  If he had to admit it, he was kinda lonely. Sure, he saw people at work but nothing like being friends with anyone. And his parents had been away for a long time. He’d seen them two times in the past five years. They always invited him over to Australia and offered to pay for his flight but he never went through with it.

  So now, he had a huge apartment all to himself, big enough to house a family, three bedrooms, two toilets, living room, balconies all over, good enough view in a green area, one-hundred and twenty square metres to feel bad about himself.

  He knew the logical thing to do was to rent out the apartment and go live somewhere more affordable, but he always put it off for next year and time just went by. Things popped up, you know?

  He went into his boyhood room and shut the door. Doing that, shutting the door, was something he hadn’t gotten used to doing these last few years. He took out the action figures from the
box and put them on the shelves, next to the other ones in his collection.

  Horace knew he wasn’t making it easy for himself to flaunt his geeky interests at his place of work. People snickered and made fun of him when he turned his back, but after a couple of months nobody really bothered anymore. He just couldn’t understand it, the guy right next to him had a full-blown Olympiacos shrine over there, in reds and whites. Athletes, cups, ticket stubs of some football championship or another.

  Why was this considered tolerable and normal?

  It was a shitty double-standard. The sports fans dressed up, painted their bodies, behaved like insane people and it was somehow more acceptable than a bunch of intelligent guys quietly appreciating storytelling and playing video games.

  Horace realised he was doing the same thing, judging Acedia by a two-minute encounter. He decided to give her the benefit of the doubt. He dusted off the action figures and the other statues in his collection. He always preferred sci-fi stories, but the women from fantasy tales were always calling to him.

  Then he relaxed in his room for a bit, thinking about what snack to make afterwards for the both of them. Something healthy, carrots and shit. Yeah, that would be best. He knew he was in for a long haul of job-seeking days, and he knew damn well from past cycles in his life that he slowly fell to bad habits, like eating takeout every day and sleeping in. It was inevitable, he knew that, but the more he pushed back the decay, the better.

  He stood up and got to wash some dishes, taking extra care not to make a lot of noise. It was easy to tell if Acedia was still napping, you just had to listen for the cute snoring sound.

  It was late but there was still light. The days were getting longer. He prepared a somewhat healthy dinner, turkey and cheese sandwiches with a side of carrots and potato chips. He’d go for healthier groceries tomorrow. He could no longer hear Acedia snoring. He picked up two of the chilly lemonades and brought the tray to the living room.

  She turned her droopy eyes towards him. “Mmm, nice. Is this for me?”

  “Yeah, thought you’d be hungry by now.” He put the tray on the coffee table and sat down next to her, but not too close so as to make her uncomfortable.

  If she minded, she didn’t show it.

  “Wow. That’s very sweet of you,” Acedia said in her drolling voice. She picked up a carrot with an oh-so-slow motion and nibbled on it like a rabbit.

  He sighed. “Acedia, look. If this is a joke, I’m not in the mood. I’ve just been fired today and I need to take a minute and think about what I’m gonna do, you understand.”

  She waved the worries away. “Wow. Relax,” she breathed out the word. “Let go of the worry. This is us, here, now. You and me. Let’s enjoy each other’s company. Let’s eat snacks and watch some TV shows. I’m in the mood for some crime drama, just a season or two.”

  Horace snorted. “That argument of yours went in a way different direction than what I thought it would.”

  Acedia ate a potato chip. It was a very small one. No wonder she was so skinny. “Don’t you like to binge?”

  “Oh, I do like it! But...” his voice trailed off. Yeah, what was he worrying about? Today had been a shitty, weird day. He needed to cool off and empty his mind by the time-honoured tradition of bingeing on bad TV shows, not worry his ass off about tomorrow. “Yeah. Let’s do this.”

  Acedia smiled but it didn’t go all the way up her cheeks. Gods, she was too lazy to even smile properly? What a weird little lady.

  Horace shrugged, leaned back next to Acedia, put on a TV show with criminals and stuff and munched on his chips, letting the worries wash off of him.

  Chapter 10: Horace

  “You know, you have an impressive ability to nap through the entire episode but still keep up with what’s going on,” Horace said to her when they got halfway to the second season.

  Acedia beamed at him. “Wow. Thank you! I try.”

  They had gone through the night, took a nap, woke up, watched the end of the season, cursed at it for ending on a cliffhanger, then put on the second season, and now they were at episode 5. It was the next morning and they had barely moved a muscle, just a couple of trips to the bathroom.

  Acedia had napped on and off the entire time. No wonder she kept wearing her light blue pyjamas.

  Horace had to admit it was fun hanging out with her. They discussed the show, talked about the endless cliches, predicted whodunit and what would happen next, who would hook up with who. She was very relaxing to be around, and the guilt of doing nothing just seemed like an afterthought when he was around Acedia.

  He knew this was the thing he and Evie did together, but it wasn’t such a bad thing, skipping it for a night. He’d make it up to her.

  It was midday. “Come on, it will be fun,” he said.

  Acedia sighed. “It sounds like a lot of work.”

  “Going to the supermarket? Not really, people do it every week. Sometimes twice a week.”

  Acedia looked shocked, as if someone had asked her to dig a hole for a grave. Twice.

  “Okay, do this for me once. If you don’t like it, I’ll never even mention it again.”

  She sighed audibly. “Fine. Is it far away?”

  “Just around this corner, two streets down.”

  She nodded, steeling herself. “So it is far.”

  Horace couldn’t help but laugh. He was throwing groceries in the shopping cart while towing Acedia around. She was thin enough to fit in the baby seat, and she was having lots of fun while he pushed her around the shop. As long as she didn’t have to move, she was into everything.

  “Wow. Grab these, they are precooked,” she said, pointing at some meals. She could have reached down and grabbed them herself, but nooo, he had to do it for her.

  “We said we’re shopping healthy. Let’s not descend into the inevitable fast food diet from day 1 of being unemployed.” He crinkled the wrapping to read the instructions.

  She pouted for a second then forgot all about it when they got to the cornflakes. “Horace, I have something to confess.”

  “What?”

  “I ate all your cornflakes.”

  “I know. I was there. You eat them one at a time. It’s maddening to watch.”

  “Can you get some more? Please?” She begged, gripping her hands before her chest.

  Horace forced down a chuckle. Without breaking eye-contact, and without moving a muscle other than his shoulder and the accompanying ones in his arm, he grabbed a box of corn flakes and threw it in the shopping cart.

  “Yay!” she beamed at him, clapping once.

  “If only all girls were as easy to please as you,” Horace said, shaking his head.

  The rest of the shopping run was pretty standard. He got some sandwich materials, then doubled them. Acedia didn’t eat much but he planned to offer it to her. He especially didn’t want her to avoid eating because of thinking she’d have his share.

  At the little shop inside the supermarket where they give you cold cuts of various meats, his vision filled with a big woman. She wore a bright orange top and a billowy black skirt. She wore a little backpack with cartoons on. She turned straight towards him, looked him straight in the eye, then glanced at his shopping cart, scoffed at the contents, then emptied her groceries bag inside his cart.

  “What- Who-” he said, dumbfounded.

  “What is this, a meal for ants? These should get us through today. We’ll come around again tomorrow,” the fat woman said and ordered a couple of sausages. She was very cute, one of those big ladies that could pull off a killer selfie, provided they didn’t show the rest of the body. Her features were kind and inviting, and her smile was gorgeous. Her hair were wisps of brunette strands cut short.

  “Wow. Sister, you forgot to introduce yourself again,” Acedia said, in the tone of voice of a person who kept reminding people of the same thing.

  “Right. Sorry. I’m Gula Gastrimargia. Just call me Gula.” She was nice and friendly. Her various cuddly parts jiggl
ed up and down as she moved.

  “I’m Horace. You’re her sister?” He looked from one to the other, but there really was no resemblance.

  “In a way, yes,” Acedia drolled.

  “Come, Horace, let’s go back home and eat. All this food around is making me hungry,” Gula said and pulled him around while he gripped on the shopping cart like a train of crazy people.

  Acedia squeed from delight, arms up in the air. Then she got tired and just sat there, contempt to just get carried along.

  Chapter 11: Horace

  The dinner was... ugh... interesting.

  Gula downed the entire cooked chicken she had brought from the supermarket, then ate the chips, then the salad, then washed it all down with a couple of soft drinks. Then she leaned in for the corn flakes, which Acedia protected, close to her chest.

  The kitchen table hadn’t been used since his parent had left. He usually ate at the sofa while watching some series or on his computer. Having people over made the use of the table a necessity, and Horace was glad he’d done so because the mess looked a lot easier to clean up afterwards.

  But he had to admit he enjoyed eating dinner with company. The fact that it was two ladies also helped.

  Gula punched a fist into her chest a couple of times, then burped gently. Her expression content, she leaned back on the chair.

  “Full?” Horace asked.

  “For now. Thank you, Horace. Here’s my token.” She motioned gently in the air before her as if blowing on a handful of leaves.

  Horace checked his app. Indeed, there was a token. He collected it, and it said the word Gluttony in Greek, ΛΑΙΜΑΡΓΙΑ.

  He couldn’t help himself checking the stats. It was addictive, like all games were, even one as strange as this one. What would he actually do with all the tokens?

  He needed to ask the girls some pointed questions.