One Swinging Summer

by Hellsmith, Patience

"I went, like you said. I tried to give it an honest shot. To be single. I had fun, I won't lie. But I missed you. I wanted you there beside me. Kate and Michael missed you. It's not the same without you. I know you are wanting some kind of grand revelation, some kind of realization that you mean everything to me, and that I'm done with these clubs too. But honestly, nothing has changed for me. I like that place. I like it a lot. I like the sexiness of it. I like the Lakehouse, too. But I missed you there with me. I missed you in my bed. I missed waking up with you, I missed spending Saturday and today with you. What I was putting off telling you wasn't that I'd rather have the clubs. That would be easy to say, if it was true. It would be one tough five minute conversation, but then I'd be free. I'd say "I don't want to give this up for you," and you would have your answer, and so would I, but it's not true.

  It would also be easy to make you happy and just say, "I am fine with giving this up, it is you I want." It would be easy to say that to keep the peace and make you happy. And for some reason if I ever regretted that, or resented you, I could always go back. These clubs aren't going away. They will always be there. If not going doesn't work for me after a while, well... I told you that before I went alone. I told you I was fine not coming here. The hard part in calling you is to be honest with you. The hard part is to tell you that yes, I will give this up for you, but I don't want to. I can't see the future, I don't know if we are forever, I don't know if in six months I will change my mind and go back to That Other Club. The hard part is telling you that I can't honestly tell you I won't regret giving that up for you. Nothing has changed for me at all. It was a fun night, but I'm still me."

  Well fuck, I thought. This weekend of torture got me exactly nowhere. We are in exactly the same spot as we were before he went alone. Except...

  "Did you fuck anyone?"

  A pause on the line. I don't think he was expecting the question. At least not yet, at this point in the conversation.

  "No." He finally said. "I was also dreading this part. I don't want to hurt you, but I knew you would ask what happened. No, I didn't fuck anyone. But I did do stuff. I did take advantage of the situation I was in, of course. That was the whole point of breaking up, right? So I would be single. I didn't have a girlfriend that night, it was my birthday, and I did do some things, but I didn't fuck anybody."

  He was rambling.

  "So you went into the back room?" I asked him, obviously already knowing the answer.

  "Yes." Caleb said quietly. I could tell he wasn't enjoying this conversation, but neither was I.

  "What all did you do?"

  "I don't really want to tell you. I don't want to hurt you."

  "You went into the back room with someone? But you didn't fuck her?"

  "Yes...." He stated, drawing it out like there was more but he couldn't bring himself to say.

  "So what did you do? Kissing? Touching? Oral?"

  Again, "Yes..."

  Silence again. My heart was breaking.

  He said, "Look, I told you I didn't fuck anyone, and I didn't. When you think about what goes on in there, it wasn't that bad. I mean, a blow-job isn't..."

  "I can't talk to you right now." I interrupted him, and hung up.

  When I finally went to bed, I tossed and turned. I couldn't turn my mind off, and I was miserable, sad and angry. Imagined scenes played through my head. Caleb getting lap dances. Caleb getting a blow job. When I finally fell into a fitful sleep, even my dreams were haunted by him. My brain turned my dreams into a weird playboy movie where Caleb was Hugh Hefner, and all the bunnies were people from the sex clubs. I was almost grateful when morning came.

  The next week was rough. My thoughts bounced back and forth like a ping-pong ball. Every time I started to soften toward Caleb, thinking that he only did what I told him to do, I would imagine him in that back room getting blown. I used that image to harden my resolve, to keep me angry. I wasn't ready to admit that I had done this to myself as well.

  I had wanted to know. I had wanted to be sure. I pushed him to go. But he should take some blame too, I thought, bringing the anger back again. He didn't have to go. He could have said no, knowing how I felt. And he sure as hell didn't have to have quite so much fun, knowing that I was sitting at home wondering about him.

  My rational mind tried to interrupt every now and then, telling me that a blow job really wasn't that big, in the scheme of things. He didn't sleep with anyone. We were technically broken up. It wasn't cheating. If he had met some girl when we were together and let her blow him, yeah that would be cheating, and this would be over. But, we did this knowingly. And the whole point was to see what he would do there alone, and if he could be OK with not going back there. We had jumped into the deep end of this erotic pool head first, can a relationship survive that? If one wants out and the other doesn't? Can you really go back to 'normal'?

  I got a text from him out of the blue in the middle of the week. I took a deep breath before I opened it. "I miss you."

  I stared at that short, simple text. My heart beating fast, my stomach reacting to the fact that he had reached out. I started to tear up. For some reason tearing up pissed me off again. How dare my body betray me. How dare my eyes tear, and my heart speed up. How dare my stomach react. I replayed some of the more painful imaginings of what went on in the back room, calling on the anger to fill me again.

  I thought of him enjoying a woman's mouth, his hands in her hair. Knowing how I felt about him and not caring that while he was being sucked on, I was suffering.

  "Fuck Off." I texted back.

  That felt good. Then after a minute, I caved a little.

  "I miss you too, damn you." Flew off my fingers before I could stop them from hitting send.

  Then again with, "But fuck off anyway."

  I knew I was being an ass, but I couldn't help it.

  CHAPTER 42

  REPLACEMENT

  I spent Friday dealing with my failing romance by indulging in the age-old coping mechanism known as retail therapy. I blew off work and spent a shit-load of money. I had a trunk-full from the stores I had visited throughout the day, and was finishing up my cash purge inside my favorite stripper store.

  It was getting late and I wasn't going to have much time to go home and change before going to the bar, so I decided to get a new dress and a new pair of shoes and wear them out of the store. As I was heading to the cashier so she could cut my tags off and ring me up, I paused in front of the sex toy section.

  Wow, quite a selection. They had penises in every size, shape and color. Some required batteries, some strapped on, and some stuck out in two directions from a joined middle. Interesting. I found myself seriously contemplating one of the tamer ones, requiring batteries. I grabbed it before I could change my mind, and headed for the counter. I justified it by thinking that the way my non-boyfriend relationship was going, I was probably going to need it. I hadn't heard from Caleb since I told him, twice, to fuck off. Imagine that.

  The cashier graciously de-tagged my clothes while they were on my body, and rang me up, toy included. "We also have batteries," she mentioned, pointing out the small display.

  "Yes, please." I responded. She looked closer at the small print on my new toy, and choose the appropriate batteries for me, ringing them up as well. She also tossed in a small, black box.

  "That wasn't mine." I spoke up.

  She smiled and said, "That's a freebie. This weekend that is a free gift with any toy purchase."

  "Sweet. I like free stuff." I smiled back at her, not even asking what I got. I'll just be surprised later when I got home, I was running late.

  I climbed into my car, threw my small toy bag on the seat beside me, and took the top down on the car. It was looking to be a beautiful night. I headed toward my bar, for the first time all day allowing myself to think about the night ahead of me.

  I was nervous about seeing Caleb, but determined to go about my normal routine.

  I was standing with a group of friends
when Caleb appeared in front of me. I was startled by his sudden appearance. 'I must still be really angry if I didn't feel him enter the bar.' I smiled at the thought.

  Caleb noticed. "A smile. I must say I am surprised. I was expecting you to claw my eyes out."

  "I smiled because I just realized that for the very first time, I didn't feel you come in. I didn't feel you." I repeated, relishing the enjoyment that the statement brought me. "My body didn't react merely to your presence in the room. I didn't sense you, you just appeared. See, I am getting over you. As a matter of fact, I just replaced you an hour ago." I said, referring to my newly bought toy. "So yes, I am smiling. That is a good development."

  "Not for me." Caleb said. "I don't like that development at all."

  I smiled wider, and excused myself to get a drink.

  After a while, I slip out the front door to get some air. I instinctively head toward the golf cart, but I catch myself and walk the opposite way. As I am trying to talk myself into going back inside, Caleb joins me. "Can we talk?" He asks quietly.

  "No, I'm ignoring you. Can't you tell? How am I supposed to ignore you if you keep finding me?"

  "I'm sorry that you are angry."

  "I'm not sorry." I turn to him, with all of my pain, and say, "I'm holding on to it, desperately. Every time I start to soften, every time I try to be rational about this, I see you in there. Your dick in someone's mouth. And I picture your enjoyment. I picture all kinds of things, and it hurts. And it makes me angry all over again. So I feed the anger, and that numbs the hurt. And I am holding that close for as long as possible, because once that is gone... hurt is the only thing that will be left. Can't you see that? Once I let go of the anger, I'm going to fall apart. And I don't want you anywhere near me when I fall apart. So no, I don't want to talk about it. I want to run you over with my car. Again and again."

  He looks at me, hard. I see pain in his eyes. Then he is kissing me. Hard and rough. He backs me against the wall, so gruff that air is forced from my lungs in a grunt. His mouth is forceful and his hands are everywhere. On my face, buried in my hair, then hugging me tight.

  It takes me a minute to respond to him, his reaction taking me by surprise. Soon everything boils to the surface, and I do respond. I fight him. I pound everything my fists can reach, and I shake my head back and forth, avoiding the heat of his mouth. He feels my response and thinks it is passion, not pain. He leans down and kisses my neck, making a small space. I pull my arms in, wedging them between us. I use them for leverage and place my hands on his chest, pushing him away, just enough.

  He looks at me confused, the realization slowly dawning on him that I'm pushing him away. I look back at him, breathing heavy, rage and pain showing plainly in my face.

  "I..." I start to say something, but falter. Something in his eyes triggers something in the deepest, darkest part of me, and I give in. My hands run over his chest and shoulders, and lodge themselves behind his head. I pull his mouth to mine and revel in the feel of his kiss. Just as rough, but slightly more controlled.

  He pulls away this time, to speak to me. "Where are your keys?"

  "What? Why? I'm not drunk, I just got here."

  "I'm taking you home, right now. We are going to deal with this. My truck is farther away, I can see your car right over there. Where are your keys?"

  "What makes you think I'm going anywhere with you?"

  "Your top is down. You can either get into the car, or I will pick you up and drop you into the seat. We are having this out, now. Where are your damn keys?"

  I narrow my eyes at him and say, "You know exactly where I keep my damn keys, you ass."

  "Oh, right." He stated. Then, keeping eye contact with me the whole time, he stuck two fingers down the side of my left breast, between my skin and my bra, and fished out my car key.

  I stormed to the passenger side of my car, opened the door, and saw the bag from my shopping trip on the seat. I tossed it onto the floorboard as I got in the car. Caleb was already starting the car, and he looked down at my feet as my new toy rolled out of the bag. He looked at me, with his eyebrows raised. "What?" I asked defensively. "I told you I replaced you already."

  The ride to Caleb's was a quiet one. The wind felt great on my skin, soothing. When we went inside, I excused myself to go to his bathroom. He interrupted me, saying I'd have to use the one upstairs. He had finally gotten around to doing some of the remodeling he had been putting off, and the downstairs one wasn't usable. I headed up the stairs, through his bedroom and into that bathroom. I could hear him moving around downstairs, doors opening and closing.

  When I came out Caleb was standing in the bedroom, with two short glasses of Jameson. I took one of the glasses and took a sip. It burned pleasantly down my throat without the Coke I normally had it with. "To the patio then?" I asked Caleb. "You wanted to have this out."

  "In a bit.There's something else we need to get out of our system first."

  "And what might that be?" I asked, taking a bigger sip for fortification.

  Caleb stepped close to me then, and took my glass. He set our glasses on his dresser and came toward me again, slowly. He stopped toe to toe with me, looking into my eyes. He raised both hands and placed them on the sides of my face. His kiss this time was slow, sensuous, and with a lot more control than he had shown outside.

  I wanted to resist but I was powerless. His mouth moved over mine, deepening the kiss. There was a longing to this kiss, a needing that I couldn't deny him. Or myself. He backed me up again, this time until the backs of my legs hit the foot of the bed. He stopped there, and used his hands to pull my dress slowly up as he was kissing me. He pulled the dress over my head, and I was left in just my panties, bra, and new heels.

  He started kissing his way down my body, starting with my neck. His hands blazed the path ahead of his mouth, lingering on my breasts. He reached behind me and with a practiced flick, released my bra. I held on to him, for balance and for strength. I melted with each kiss, feeling his mouth leave a hot path toward my nipples.

  He pushed me back onto the bed, urging me into its center, and then joined me there. He lay over me, his weight pressing me into the bed. I kicked my shoes off and wrapped my arms around him. He was still fully dressed, my hands feeling the hard warmth of his skin through his shirt. He took my wrists in his and pulled my arms up over my head. I could feel his body against mine, but I couldn't touch him.

  As I kissed him, I could feel him trying to maneuver something with his right hand. Then he slid something soft over my left wrist and pulled it tight. I tugged a bit and realized I was tied. He was doing the same thing now, with my other wrist. I broke the kiss and looked back and forth above my head at my hands, now secured to his bed posts with long, black, satiny ties.

  "What are those?" I asked stupidly.

  "You should know," Caleb purred down at me, kissing my neck again. "They were in your bag."

  "What bag?" I asked him, confused.

  "Your toy bag. When you were in the bathroom I went out and closed your top. It is supposed to rain later. The bag was still on the floor, so I scooped everything up and brought it all up here. I didn't know you liked to be tied up, you should have said."

  "But, I didn't buy these. I only bought the vibrator and the batteries."

  "It was in the bag with the batteries. In a little black box. It said '50 Shades' on the box and had four ties and a blindfold inside. I attached them to the bed while you were in the bathroom. Would you like me to stop?"

  'How long was I in there?' I wondered, then pulled my attention back to the question.

  Did I want him to stop? He was looking down on me, waiting for my answer. He kissed me again, and my hands instinctively pulled on the ties, trying to touch him. This must be the freebie the cashier tossed in.

  He stopped kissing me and asked again, chuckling. "I think you like them. Do you want me to stop?"

  "No."

  "OK then," He said, and started kissing me again. Once I wa
s thoroughly senseless, drunk on his kiss, he said, "Time for the blindfold."

  I gasped in surprise, for some reason I thought the arm restraints were going to be all he used. He chuckled again, saying, "Try it. If you don't like it, I'll take it off." He slipped the elastic mask over my head, settling the satin patches over my eyes.

  This time when he kissed me, I didn't see it coming. I felt his lips touch mine, and gasped again. I felt his mouth move to my neck, and trace down toward my breasts again. Only this time, I couldn't see. Feeling his mouth on me, not knowing where he was headed or what was next was exciting. By cutting off one sense, my body compensated by raising the awareness of my other senses.

  I realized that I could smell him as well. His scent was... I stopped thinking when his teeth nipped my nipple. I had jumped under Caleb's mouth. He chuckled again. "I don't know about you, but I am enjoying this immensely."

  "Oh shut up," I said, embarrassed. He could see all of me, tied up and spread out on his bed with only my panties on. And I couldn't see a thing.

  "Be nice," He teased. "I'm sure I could find a gag around here somewhere."

  My lips closed tight at that comment. His hands and mouth continued down my body, teasing the skin on my stomach. I felt his hands tug slightly at the sides of my hips, sliding his fingers under my panties and sliding them off down my legs. Once he removed my panties, he took each ankle and slipped the same silky fabric around them, tying them to the bedposts as well.

  My heartbeat sped up even more. For a few seconds, I couldn't feel Caleb anywhere. I didn't know where he was or what he was doing and I started to get nervous. "I'm right here." I heard above me, from just off to the side of the bed. "You are beautiful."

  Then he said, "I'd like to shave you. Would you mind?"

  "I don't know. I've never had anyone..."

  "I'll be gentle, I promise. Hang on a minute, I'll be right back."

  I heard him walk into the bathroom and turn on the water. He let it run while he gathered things. I heard him fill a container with water, and turn the water off. He came back and told me that he was going to lay a warm, wet washcloth on me. He did. I felt weird. Not bad though. It was kind of nice. It wasn't soaking wet, he must have wrung it out. "That is to prepare the skin." Caleb said from close by. He switched it out for another. After the second one cooled a bit, he took it off and said, "Here comes the shaving cream."