And This Too Shall Pass

by E. Lynn Harris

  “Yeah, I didn’t want to leave you. Hey, do you feel like some breakfast? I mean we could go out, or I can get some stuff and cook,” he said.

  “I don’t know; I’m not feeling that well,” she mumbled.

  “Maybe you need something in your stomach,” Derrick said.

  “I don’t know,” Mia said. She was trying to recall what she had told Derrick the night before. She remembered the tears and talking about her sister, but the night was mostly a blur.

  “Well, I’ve made some coffee. I’ll go downstairs and get you some and then we can decide what we’re going to do for food later,” Derrick said.

  “Don’t you have something to do? I mean aren’t you here on business?”

  “Yes, but I’ve already taken care of that,” Derrick said as he headed downstairs.

  While he was gone, Mia put on her robe and rushed into the bathroom where she took two aspirins, brushed her teeth, and rinsed with mouthwash. She ran and jumped into the bed just as Derrick was walking in with a steaming cup of coffee.

  Mia took a sip, and Derrick asked if it tasted okay. “It’s fine, thanks, Derrick.”

  “Do you remember last night?” Derrick asked. She remembered parts, but she wondered if there was something specific he was asking about. What had she done now? She knew one thing and that was these blackouts were happening with much more frequency and that frightened her.

  “Yeah, I know I made a fool of myself,” Mia said.

  “No, baby, you didn’t. But you were in a lot of pain,” Derrick said. Pain as deep as she was feeling was not something Mia wanted anyone to see, but with Derrick she was now vulnerable. She was no longer in control on the surface or otherwise. Mia sipped the coffee as if it were a lifeline.

  “Mia, we don’t have to talk about this, but I saw the subpoena on your counter. It has a name on it. I thought you told me you didn’t know who raped you,” Derrick said.

  “I don’t,” Mia mumbled.

  “But that’s not what the document implies.”

  “I know it’s a mistake. I’ve just got to figure out how to correct it,” Mia said. She explained to Derrick what had happened with LaDonna and the police. How she had pursued Zurich, and how she had been on a date with him the night she was raped. She told him how when the police showed up to ask questions about a possible suspect, she had simply agreed when LaDonna asked if it was Zurich. She was embarrassed to tell LaDonna and the policemen she was too drunk to remember anything. Mia told Derrick how she had been drinking so much the last couple of weeks, she had convinced herself that Zurich had in fact raped her, when all he had done was to reject her offer for sex. How she’d become certain of this fact when Derrick had brushed his hair against her body the way her attacker had. Derrick listened intently, but Mia couldn’t tell if he was supportive or disgusted by her actions. When she stopped talking, he finally spoke.

  “Baby, I’m sorry for the hair thing. I was only trying to soothe you,” he said.

  “I know Derrick. You had no way of knowing. But look, it’s helped my memory,” Mia said as she stroked his hands.

  “It looks like you got your work cut out for you, Mia,” he said.

  “I know, what do you think I should do?”

  “Well, the first thing is you got to ask for forgiveness and then forgive yourself,” he said.

  “That’s what she said. That’s what the lady said I should do,” Mia said in a startled tone.

  “What lady? What are you talking about?” Derrick asked. Mia told him about her conversation with MamaCee, who she called Miss See something.

  “Did you tell her what you told me?”

  “No, but it was just like she knew something was bothering me, that I needed to make peace with some things in my life,” Mia said.

  “Sounds like my grandmother, God rest her soul,” Derrick said mournfully.

  “Your grandmother died? When?”

  “Yes, at the beginning of the year. But before she died she got me started on the right track. Got me to face my problems and get my life together,” Derrick said. He went on to tell Mia he had been in counseling for his abuse issues and had been clean and sober for more than two years. He told Mia how he realized he had a problem, not when he hit her, but when he had come close to hitting his own mother. She refused to co-sign on a loan for a new business venture and he nearly hit her, breaking a chair instead. He said the fear in his mother’s eyes and the talk with his grandmother had moved his life in a positive direction.

  “I don’t know if I can do that,” Mia said.

  “Yes, you can,” Derrick said confidently. “We can get you some help. I can take you to the AA meeting I’ve been attending here in Chicago. I also think you need to tell your sister you’re sorry. And tell the policemen you made a mistake with this Zurich guy.”

  “Do you think I should call him and tell him I’m sorry?”

  “Did they arrest him?”

  “I don’t know, but I know it was in the paper,” Mia said.

  “Well, I don’t know if I would advise that. Homeboy might not be in a forgiving mood. But I’m not that concerned about him. My concern is for you and finding who really did this to you. You know, the rape.”

  “But I’m telling the truth, Derrick, I don’t know who did this to me,” Mia said as tears began to return.

  “Don’t cry, Mia. Let’s not worry about that right now,” he said as he hugged her gently.

  Mia looked up at him with the tears holding in place and said, “Do you really think I can get my life back on track?” she asked softly.

  “Like I know I’m holding you right now,” he said as he softly kissed her hair.

  CHAPTER 20

  STILL ON THE THRONE

  They had come so close. That’s all Zurich could think of as he lay dazed under the pile of players, his own teammates and the Seattle Seahawks. He had failed to gain the one yard that would have given the Cougars a first and goal from the three-yard line, with just thirty seconds left in the game, and inches from their first regular season win. But it was not to be and the Cougars headed back to Chicago with a 14–10 loss. Zurich had been inconsolable in the locker room, and only a few teammates had offered support. It was beginning to be too much, the losing and the possibility of an embarrassing trial if the judge decided on Thursday that there was enough evidence.

  When he returned home late Sunday night, just hoping for a dreamless night of sleep, he discovered he had not one houseguest, but two: MamaCee and Sean.

  Zurich knew Sean had come to Chicago to start the story that Gina had told him and MamaCee about, but he had no idea that Sean had run into a problem checking into his hotel Sunday afternoon when his credit card was rejected. The Friday before he left, Sean had checked his available credit and had even sent a payment in overnight mail for his Chicago visit. But his pleading with his credit card’s customer service rep was in vain, and she told him he would have to wait until Monday to get the problem corrected. Angry and embarrassed, Sean planned to fly back to New York Sunday night since he didn’t really know anyone else in Chicago besides Zurich and Gina. He called Gina, but got her answering machine. When he called Zurich’s place, MamaCee answered the phone. After he explained that he was going to have to cancel the interview because of his credit problem, she had in typical MamaCee fashion told Sean to get himself in a cab and come on over to Zurich’s place. Since he was trying to help her grandson out he could spend the night there, and she or Zurich would help him come up with the money for his hotel on Monday.

  At first, Sean hesitated. As much as he liked Zurich, this was not a professional thing to do, but MamaCee had been firm, telling him it would be fine with Zurich and she was so excited to be meeting a real life reporter.

  When he arrived at Zurich’s, MamaCee gave him a big hug and then proceeded to cook him one of the best meals he had ever eaten. Baked chicken, wild rice mixed with sweet carrots and string beans, which MamaCee bragged she had brought up from her own garden.
Sean and MamaCee connected immediately, talking about family, friends, and faith, which, MamaCee said repeatedly, would get Zurich through this mess.

  When Zurich arrived late that evening, he was happy to see Sean and assured him MamaCee had been right in her invitation, though he was a little bit edgy and quiet from the loss. He asked Sean if they could conduct the interview the following morning, after he had worked out, saying he had to build up his strength so that the next time he had a fourth and one, he would make it. Sean agreed and told him he was playing well and should be proud of his accomplishments. To which Zurich responded, “I hope I’m never proud of losing.”

  After chatting some more with MamaCee, who had pulled out the sofa bed and climbed in with a bowl of peach cobbler and ice cream, Sean walked nervously into the bedroom. He was glad to see Zurich had a king-sized bed. Sean went to his bag in the corner of the room and pulled out an oversized T-shirt and a pair of Joe boxers that he” thought would be suitable for sleeping. He went into the bathroom and changed and when he came out, he saw that Zurich had turned down the bed, so neatly that it reminded him of a four-star hotel turndown service—the only thing missing was a Godiva chocolate on each pillow. Zurich was in his large walk-in closet, silently folding his clothes and putting them in their proper place. When Sean asked him what side he slept on, Zurich said it didn’t matter, for Sean to make himself at home. Sean got in on the left side and was turning around to thank Zurich once again, when he saw that Zurich had just undressed down to his underwear. A chilly sweat came over Sean’s chest. The whiteness of the underwear contrasted beautifully against Zurich’s brown and impeccable body. From the back he looked like the world’s greatest underwear model. It was like the underwear had been made for Zurich’s ass alone, and had been carefully placed there stitch by stitch. For a moment, Sean remembered how as a teenager he had loved it when the newspaper and magazines advertised men in underwear. For several more minutes, Zurich had his back to Sean, organizing his closet so that it was perfect. When Zurich turned out the overhead light and climbed into bed, Sean felt an invisible line running down between them. Sean wanted to find a place to hide, his heart was beating so fast, and he said a silent prayer of thanks to the patron saint of black homosexuals that Zurich didn’t turn around and face him in his underwear as he inhaled his sweet, virile scent.

  It was dark in the room, but Sean’s eyes were wide open. Zurich had fallen into a dreamless sleep and was snoring lightly. Sean smiled, thinking, At least he’s not perfect, and then he felt his sex expanding in his own underwear. Sean got up from the bed and took his full erection into the bathroom, pulled down the toilet seat and his underwear, and in the dark, began to masturbate to images of Zurich and his white underwear with Polo stitched across the waistband. The thought of Zurich made Sean so sweaty that he even removed his T-shirt and sat on the covered toilet naked, pumping his sex with one hand, pinching and rubbing his left pec with the other, until sperm splashed over his brown thighs. Now, as he wiped himself clean with a towel, he thought he could sleep peacefully.

  The next morning, Zurich was in a better mood as he and Sean enjoyed a down-home country breakfast of cured ham, grits, scrambled eggs, and biscuits made from scratch, courtesy of MamaCee. They even shared a secret smile when MamaCee came out of the bathroom and announced, “Don’t nobody go in there, babies; MamaCee feels like somethin’ crawled up in me and died.”

  After breakfast, Sean called his credit card company and found out the payment had been posted and that he could now check into his hotel. MamaCee protested, saying that she and Zurich loved the company. Zurich agreed, but Sean knew he couldn’t take another night of sleeping beside Zurich without covering the bed with sweat. Sean thanked them both and made plans to talk with MamaCee again after lunch, and then to meet with Zurich later that evening at the stadium after his weight-training session.

  Zurich gave Sean a ride to his hotel and convinced him that he should come running with him before their interview. Sean agreed even though he hoped it wouldn’t be a repeat of the ass whipping he received when they’d played racquetball. Besides, he realized running was the one form of exercise he had managed in the last couple of years. Maybe it would be inspiration for the start of some new weight-loss program, which he knew he would need after another day of MamaCee’s fat-laden meals.

  After a three-mile run, Sean and Zurich collapsed on the stadium bleachers, half blind with sweat running into their eyes. The sun was down, and the dusk felt soothing as Sean and Zurich caught their breath and began to talk. Sean tried not to pay attention to Zurich in his gray cotton tank top and white spandex running tights, but he thought there should be some type of law against men built like Zurich wearing white spandex. Sean had tried to look down or off to the side while they ran, instead of noticing Zurich’s backside and the thin jock strap holding the two muscles that formed his ass in place. When they sat down and were facing each other, Sean noticed the wetness isolated around Zurich’s groin area, as if it were radiating some type of energy or secret signal. The contours of his muscles and the pouch of his sex glistened.

  “Your grandmother is something else. I feel like I’ve known her all my life,” Sean said. He wanted safe territory, rather than focusing on Zurich’s white spandex glowing in the half-light of dusk.

  “Yeah, everybody feels like that when they been with MamaCee for more than five minutes,” Zurich said.

  “She really helped me with something I had been dealing with a long time. You know, this afternoon, when I was supposed to be interviewing her for the piece. She turned the tables on me.”

  “What did she do?”

  “Oh, it was a good thing, I think,” Sean smiled.

  “Uh … I don’t quite understand,” Zurich said, realizing that with MamaCee there was no such thing as a family secret.

  “Well, she was telling me how she had raised you and your brother and almost every time she said something, she would say if it wasn’t for the Lord this and the Lord that. And how God had helped her deal with your brother’s death. Then I asked her something that maybe I shouldn’t have.”

  “What was that? I know my grandmother’s faith is very important to her, as it is for me,” Zurich said. He didn’t want to sound defensive, but he had taken note of Sean’s reaction when he had talked about his faith in the past.

  “Yeah, I gather that. But I’ve had some problems with faith and religion in my own life, so I asked your grandmother rather pointedly, where is God when it hurts?”

  “Where is God when it hurts? What did she say?”

  “She said He is always there, sittin’ on His throne, but sometimes we don’t know where to look. We’re so busy with our problems that we don’t see Him,” Sean said.

  “That sounds right to me. What happened with you and your faith, Sean?”

  “Since I told your grandmother, I might as well tell you. Something tells me she might tell you anyway.” Sean sighed.

  “MamaCee can be like a priest sometimes. If you told her not to say anything, I doubt she will,” Zurich laughed. “But then again, maybe not.” Sean didn’t respond. “What was it? What happened?” Zurich’s curiosity had been aroused.

  “There was a time in my life when I considered myself saved, I mean, I was really into the church. Bible study on Wednesday, church twice on Sunday. I really felt like it would solve my problems and some things I was going through at the time. When I gave my life to Christ, I expected the miracles they promise in church. A place where people were made perfect. So I started to pray all the time. When the one thing I was praying for didn’t happen, I went to my minister and told him what I was going through. I told him that I was gay, but I didn’t want to be. I thought he would help me, but he didn’t,” Sean said sadly.

  “What happened?”

  “He told me I wasn’t gay and when I told him about the feelings I was having and some of the things I had done and dreamed of doing, he pulled the military stunt.”

  “The
military stunt?”

  “Yeah, right there in his study, this man I believed in and trusted pulled out his long ass dirty dick and told me if I was really gay and wanted to be saved that I needed to suck his dick.” Sean paused and glanced nervously toward Zurich’s face to see how he was handling his confession he had shared only with MamaCee. He hadn’t been graphic with MamaCee, but she got the picture. He continued when Zurich’s face gave no sign of the slightest disgust or discomfort. “I was so shocked! But it didn’t end there. When I refused, this minister, the man who to me represented God, started cursing me like I had stolen something. I mean as much as I wanted to believe in God, that minister was all I had. For a long time I couldn’t function, because I was certain I was doomed to hell. Living the life of the tragic black homosexual. That no matter how and for how long I prayed, I was still gay and bound for hell. I thought it was so unfair. That everything else could receive forgiveness, but not my sexuality.” He stopped to see if Zurich had some type of response, but when he remained silent, Sean added, “I know that sometimes I still suffer from having those feelings that my church told me were so wrong.”

  Finally, Zurich broke his silence with a question. “So how long have you known you’re gay?”

  Suddenly realizing that he had admitted that he was gay, Sean gazed at Zurich for a moment. The expression on his face still hadn’t changed—no sense of shock or judgment. So Sean answered the question, his voice softened as if he was describing a religious experience.

  “I guess all my life. I think I’ve always known,” Sean said.

  “So what did MamaCee say about this?”

  “She told me I hadn’t lost my faith in God, but that I had lost my faith in mankind and that was okay. That it happens from time to time. That I would meet someone who would restore my faith in mankind, but it was up to me to restore my faith in God.”

  “You know she’s right,” Zurich said. He wondered if MamaCee had told Zachary the same thing, and the pain that seemed to come and go in Sean’s voice reminded him of some of his conversations with Zachary about sexuality and religion.