Program Erin

by Alex Fall

  I heard him draw a deep breath. He was...tired? Nervous. Yes, nervous. Does he know that I'm picking this up from him? It feels odd to experience someone else's feelings.

  "Reason number two," he stated.

  I turned around to look at him. "Clarify..."

  "You once asked me why I kept coming back to you in your dreams."

  "Reason number one was because I was different," I recounted. "And number two?"

  "Because I like you."

  I felt my heartbeat pulse. I faced forward and blinked a couple of times. My face flushed, no doubt from blushing (if that can be perceived on my skin tone.) My mind raced. Did...he really just speak those words? He isn't staying around for other reasons? He isn't just a flirt, but in fact messes with me...because he likes me? Me?!

  "I figured it would be fair to tell you how I felt. You always seem to be holding back when I try to draw you out. And considering our past experiences, I think you do better when I come forward with information like this rather than wait for you to figure it out."

  "Like...as in..." I uttered.

  "I'm attracted to you."

  I really wish I had a blanket. I felt a nearly overwhelming need to hide. I've never experienced these feelings inside myself before. I don't know how to handle them. THEY never taught me anything about them, and the condition I was left in prevented me from ever looking forward to them; or so I thought.

  "Why me?" I asked in whispers.

  "What's that?"

  "Why me? I'm...not attractive."

  "On the contrary. You're beautiful."

  My heart jumped again. Those words had so much more weight considering the circumstances. Part of me wanted to smile from ear to ear. I don't know why. It didn't fit me. The other part of me raged against the possibility. It looked to deny him, to convince me that this is not a realistic life scenario for Erin De'mus. What do I do? How long has he felt this way? Is he telling me this to manipulate me? Is it in fact true? How does one respond to this? How do other girls respond? What could he possibly find beautiful about me? Have I led him on somehow? Am I nurturing feelings for him? Do I even know how to nurture feelings? What do I do? Why do I feel so embarrassed? Why am I so excited? Is it because deep down, I am shy? What's wrong with me? Why is my heart beating so hard? Is this normal for a girl? Did THEY do something to me? What do I do?!

  "Erin?"

  "...yeah?"

  "You OK?"

  "I..."

  I don't know what to do. All I know is what I want to do. I got up and started to rush to the nearest rock to hide.

  "Whoa now!" Keegan jumped to his feet and grabbed hold of my arms with good reaction time. I spun around and found myself on my knees, facing him.

  "I'm sorry to slam you with that, but we've got to talk this one out, ok?"

  I swallowed and nodded. My hands felt like they were about to start trembling.

  "What's wrong, little Sapphire?"

  "I...don't know how to act."

  "Oh. Well it's not that hard. Be yourself. Tell me what's on your mind."

  "That's just it! I don't know how to be myself in this situation! Erin De'mus doesn't get liked by people!"

  "That's not true."

  "Keegan!" I started suddenly, grabbing him by the shoulders. "I'm...broken. I can't handle lies right now, not ones like that."

  "Do you think I would lie to you about that?"

  I clenched my teeth and searched his eyes for sincerity.

  "Erin," he started off with. "I know this frightens you. I know how you think. Yes, at first I just wanted your help, but in order to get your help, I had to win you over. But every night I found you, I saw your past. I felt bad for you. I couldn't help but pity you. After I while, I was coming to you just to comfort you, not to use you. And then I started to see who you really were, feel what you felt. I saw your potential. You aren't a weapon, you're a human being. Perhaps you are a bit scared and in pain, but who you are, who you really are on the inside, that person is beautiful. That person is my kind of girl."

  Tears began to form. I've never felt so...relieved. I've never felt happiness like this. I not only liked what I was hearing, but I could feel the honesty rolling off of him. For possibly the first time in my life, I felt I had someone who understands me. I had a genuine friend. I didn't know what to say. I just wanted to keep hearing his words. The power they possessed to fight back my terrible thoughts was unparalleled. The smile even came back to my face.

  "You..really think I'm attractive?"

  "Girl, I think you're freaking gorgeous!" He said with an exaggerated accent. He even tossed his head aside for emphasis on the last word.

  "You're not messing with me?"

  "Erin, no. I'm not."

  "But look at me. I'm...discolored."

  "It doesn't bother me."

  "And covered in scars..."

  "It's alright. Your eyes more than make up for it."

  "I can hurt you though! Like, really hurt you!"

  "It's worth the risk. I know how to handle you. You won't scare me away." Keegan finished off with the warmest of smiles.

  Something's wrong. I don't feel cold. I always feel cold.

  "So...this is kind of uncommon to ask but...do you like me back?" He inquired after the pause.

  "...I don't know."

  "What?" He asked and stood. I could tell he was joking, though simultaneously being completely serious. "All that heart to heart and all I got was I don't know?"

  "I'm sorry! This is too much for me right now."

  "Do you trust me?" He asked.

  "Yes! But-"

  "Do you like being around me?"

  "Sometimes. Sometimes you can be annoying."

  "Close enough. Is there anything you like about the way I look?"

  "I...I guess so. I've never thought about it before."

  "Then do you like me or not?"

  "I don't know!" I admitted. I found myself rubbing my face out of stress.

  He sat on top of rock and stared at me pensively. I got up and began to perform some stretches, using it as an excuse to get some space and decompress.

  "Why are you asking if you can just read my mind and find out?" I inquired.

  "I think you used to be jealous of the girls in the Decapolis," Keegan announced after a moment, totally disregarding my question.

  "What are you saying?" I asked.

  "Have you ever been on a date?"

  My face flushed again. "No."

  "Well, Erin De'mus, may I take you on a date?"

  I stopped my routine and glanced over at him. "Greaters are arriving today from the warp gate, plus I have to find a way to try and convince the Board to not take my ship away."

  "Don't avoid the question. May I take you on a date?"

  "I...also need to make arrangements for Sharon. Not to mention the doctor visit the Board arranged. It's going to be a while."

  "But will you go?" Keegan persisted.

  I examined him, then a tree in the distance, then my foot. I shuffled out of habit to find warmth when the wind blew, but I felt no chill this time. What do I do?

  "I guess so."

  Keegan's smile broadened to an unbelievable degree. "I'm sorry, what was that?"

  "Shut up."

  "Just one more time."

  I sighed to fake some exasperation, but my sheepish smile was giving me away. "Fine. Yes, I'll go."

  "Thank you Erin. I'll give you a day or two to take care of your stuff first. In the meantime, I'll be arranging some things for our date."

  "Don't you dare embarrass me!"

  "Of course," he said with a wink. "When you wake up, you'll be practicing cello. We can still make you a hero yet."

  I looked aside, feeling a tinge of shame from my recent actions. Some hero I'd make...

  "That being said, I need to leave you be and get to work. Sweet dreams... and don't badmouth yourself!" Keegan said with a tap to my nose.

  The first thing I noticed when I woke up was t
he horrid chill in the air when I came to. The forecast was correct, and the chill had dropped, even in my room. I could also hear rain outside, pattering the top of my ship and trying to lull me back to sleep. I thought my system temperature would keep the cold at bay, but someone had been messing with the climate settings again.

  "Interface, heater on," I mumbled.

  The heating system kicked in, staying active until someone told it to shut down. I clung to my blankets as a shield, waiting for the room to warm up enough for me to brave leaving my comforters. Besides being uncomfortable, the cold was cramping the break in my hand. As the heat started pouring into my room, I noticed something else. The smell of food caught my nostrils and woke my hunger. Someone was making breakfast.

  After changing into a sweater, I exited my room to find Keegan waiting for me with a blanket.

  "Bonjour."

  My insides felt tingly at the sight of him. Before, he was just an annoyance. Now he's...my date, supposedly. His presence made me feel anxious.

  "Hey. Are you the one cooking?"

  He nodded and wrapped the blanket around me and pulled me into a hug. I tolerated it for only a couple seconds. It was way out of my comfort zone. Plus...he might start getting to me.

  I shook him off and made my way to the kitchen counter. The food was enticing, filling my mind with thoughts of hunger, helping me along to ignore the cold. But never had I seen food like this. He was making gourmet omelettes, homemade bread baking in the oven, and a medley of hand sliced fruit and juices. He was going over the top. While I was examining the food with a certain amazement, Keegan slipped past and dismissed me from the kitchen.

  "Hey! Excuse me, this is MY ship!" I said with a tinge of irritation. How dare he shoo me out of my own kitchen!

  Keegan held up a finger. I think he was telling me to wait.

  "No! What are you doing making my food anyway?"

  He sighed and cast me a look, a mixture of intolerance for backtalk and suggestion that I should know my own answer. Quickly moving everything onto plates, he pulled the laptop up and typed away.

  "Why are you mean? I thought you would be happy this morning," it read.

  "I'm not mean!" I denied.

  He gave me another "look" and pointed me to the chair next to him. My first instinct was to resist him, but somehow I knew that was his plan. I exhaled my would-be words and sat down beside him.

  "You did that just so I wouldn't say I told you so," he typed.

  I looked aside. Suddenly, the cockpit window was very interesting. Interesting enough, in fact, to help me ignore Keegan. He typed again, but I kept my attention fixed on the rainwater running down the windows.

  "Erin..." He sung. Next came a poke to my tummy.

  "No."

  "Saphir..." His musical tone chimed again.

  "Stop trying to make me smile," I said, while I happened to be hiding a smile. I peeked over at the screen to keep my composure.

  "Are you happy?" The screen read.

  Keegan seemed to be awaiting my answer.

  "Maybe." I rested my head on my hand, using my fingers to hide my smirk. He began to type, but I stopped him. "No, I get to ask a question now. That was the deal, remember?"

  Keegan smiled and sat back, using the pause to begin eating.

  "The people from Lenburg are arriving today. Is everything going to be OK with them and the Decapolis?"

  He didn't answer immediately. Instead, he appeared to space out. For a moment, I thought he forgot that I had asked him a question, until he snapped out of it and typed a reply. "Don't know. I will examine them over the next couple of nights."

  Next couple of nights? How long will that take? Will I go back to having nightmares? Will he still have time for me? Did I really just ask myself that?

  "So...no time for me?" I asked, my voice quieting down with each word. Did I really just ask that out loud?

  It brought a fuzzy smile to his face. He brushed my nose with his finger and continued eating.

  "What does that mean?" I asked.

  I got the "hold on" finger. He asked his question. "How is breakfast? Do you like it?"

  Breakfast blew my mind. The taste was restaurant quality. The omelette was some kind of cheese that did not come from my ship, spinach, and peppers. The bread was cinnamon sugar, with nuts and seeds all through it. And the fruit was incredibly fresh and perfect, a mixture of grapes, strawberries, oranges, melons, and lemons. Unsuccessfully, I attempted to downplay how well suited to my palate the food was, but Keegan saw right through my silence once I started savoring the bites. If mind reading leads to food like this, it's quite worth it.

  Keegan watched contently as I helped myself to more bread. He purposefully brought it closer to him, I could tell. He liked watching me enjoy his cooking or something. Or maybe he's just weird and gets a certain satisfaction out of me reaching for something of his.

  "Fine. Yes, it's good," I admitted after the break in conversation.

  "Papa?" Sharon called out in the sleepiest of voices.

  "Sharon, petit déjeuner," Keegan replied.

  I snatched up some more fruit while he looked away. "Why does she call you Papa?"

  Typing. "I look like her father in her dreams."

  "How often do you visit her dreams?"

  Sharon stumbled out with a blanket of her own while Keegan typed me a reply. "For a while it was every night. Now, it is not."

  I shook my head free of my thoughts and ponderings and stared outside at the rain again. While Keegan worked on getting Sharon some food, I rubbed my aching hand and listened to the sounds outside, wondering if any of them were people from Lenburg. Surely, they would be here by now. I imagine they would be a bit upset that we ditched them right after coming out of the warp gate. Also, I hope Keegan cleans up. I don't feel like staying to tidy everything that he used to cook. But what else is there to do? I have a stupid doctor to look forward to, as if he can help me in any way.

  A tap on my shoulder broke my thoughts. The bow for my cello rested on my shoulder and Keegan beckoned me to take it from him.

  "What? No. Not in front of other people," I uttered, alluding to Sharon. “Plus my hand is messed up.”

  "Oui."

  "No!"

  "Oui," he prodded.

  "Do I have to?" I sighed.

  "Oui!" He reaffirmed. To add to his statement, he typed out, "Don't be mean. I said you will do this in your dream."

  I sighed inwardly and fixed my gaze on Sharon. And so, for the first time, I practiced in real life in front of someone other than Keegan. She watched me with intrigue. I was extraordinarily nervous. Why was he making me do this? Is it because he likes me? He's determined to teach me this instrument.

  And so the rest of the morning flowed as calmly and eventless as when I woke up. That is, until I finally departed from my ship. There were Greaters outside shifting cargo to and from their vehicles. And one crate in particular caught my interest. Among the writing on it, one label read "osteomagnetherapy."

  I watched the crate and its expediters shuffle past in the rain. Could it be?...

  "Thanks for leaving us, you jerk," Nicolette pronounced against me as she swatted the back of my head. It aggravated the bruise on my head.

  "Hey! Keep your hands to yourself."

  "It took us a whole day just to figure out which direction you guys went. Your GPS system isn't the same as ours."

  "Yeah, my tech op said the same thing. What is that?" I asked, pointing to the crate.

  Nicolette glanced over. "That? It's medical equipment."

  Could it be? "Thought so...in that case, I need to make an appointment with a doctor."

  * * *

  "You've also got some breaks and fractures across the metacarpus and triquetral-"

  "I'm not dumb. I know my hand is broken," I stated, cutting the doctor off. Though he was far older than me, I know I was his equal in medical knowledge and experience. "How long do you think it would take to heal considering my
medical history?" I questioned.

  "Unfortunately it's already beginning to mend. It won't properly heal without corrective measures," the doctor sighed. At least he was smart enough to know I gave him a loaded question. I too knew my hand wouldn't heal properly without help.

  "I have to ask, how are you not in pain?" The doctor inquired. "A break like this usually brings people to their knees."

  "I've got my own medicine."

  "What kind of medicine?"

  I think he knows. How much is he going to address? I'm just worried about my bones. "Erin De'mus specific medicine."

  "Are...are you sure? Because your blood work shows an astounding amount of sedatives in your system."

  I remained silent and felt my face harden into a glare. The doctor cleared his throat, looked down at his tablet and continued. "Not to mention pain medication, something that appears to be hyperimmunization stimulants, and...a bunch of other things I'm still uncertain on. Do you self medicate?"

  "Yes. Considering my extensive knowledge of my own medical history, I feel it's fitting," I growled.

  The nurse in the room shuffled at the growing irritation in my voice. The doctor seemed to get tenser, but he kept on. "That's perfectly understandable. However, there's just a few numbers that seem off in your bloodwork that concern me, so maybe it would be better to have a consultant first?"

  "No."

  "Okay. Well...that's that," the physician dismissed.

  I glared for a moment longer at the doctor before shifting my gaze to the nurse. She was petite. And pretty. The glasses added to her neatly done, thick dark hair. Her cosmetics were perfect. She made me irritable. "What are you staring at?" I scoffed at her.

  Her eye contact broke immediately and she locked her eyes on the floor.

  "I'm sorry. Do I make you uncomfortable?" I asked, my voice dripping with thinly veiled aggression.

  "Captain Erin, there's also the issue of your leg," the doctor interjected to save the nurse from the fire of my wrath.

  "A bruise on my tibia. I can feel it sometimes," I replied.

  "Actually...it might be more than that."

  I glanced up at him to check if he was serious, even though I knew he had no reason to lie. At that moment, a knock came at the door.