Despair filled him. He didn’t want to risk breaking Theo’s heart as well as Emily’s, so help him.
* * *
Emily draped the tea towel over the radiator then took a deep breath. She had managed to spin out the washing up for as long as she could and now it was time to face Ben. She could hear Theo laughing as she made her way down the hall and felt pain wash over her. It was obvious that Theo had taken a shine to Ben and she couldn’t bear to think that this might be the only opportunity her son had to spend any time with him. She had to convince Ben that he was making a mistake by cutting himself off from them. Maybe he couldn’t promise to be around for ever, but he was here now and that was what mattered.
The thought of a time when Ben might not be around was too hard to deal with and she pushed it to the back of her mind. Pausing in the doorway, she took in the scene. Ben was lying, full length, on the rug, using his legs to create a tunnel for Theo to drive his cars through. It was obvious that they were both enjoying themselves hugely and her heart contracted. Maybe Theo didn’t know that Ben was his father but there was definitely a connection between them.
‘Looks like you two are having fun,’ she said brightly. She smiled at Theo, not wanting him to suspect anything was wrong. ‘Poor Ben must be worn out, pretending to be a tunnel.’
‘I don’t mind.’
Ben’s voice grated and Emily knew that he’d been thinking the same thing. Ben didn’t like the thought of this being a one-off any more than she did. The realisation reinforced her decision to convince him that it was wrong to cut himself off from them. Maybe it was the noble thing to do but she didn’t give a damn about that. Theo needed to get to know his father and the only way he’d do that was by spending time with him!
‘Good, because it looks as though you’ve got yourself a permanent job.’
Ben’s eyes darkened when he heard the challenge in her voice although he didn’t say anything. Emily smiled sweetly then turned to Theo. If this was to be a battle of wills then she was more than happy to employ whatever tactics were necessary to win. ‘It’s time for bed now, darling. Put your cars away and then you can have your bath.’
‘Want to play with Ben,’ Theo muttered, his lower lip jutting ominously.
‘Another time, sweetheart.’ Emily scooped up several cars and popped them into the box. She shook her head when Theo immediately tipped them onto the floor again. ‘No, that’s naughty. It’s time to tidy up ready for bed.’
‘No!’ Theo picked up a car and threw it across the room.
‘Stop it.’ Emily knelt down in front of him. ‘If you’re going to be a naughty boy then you’ll have to sit on the naughty step.’
Theo ignored her as he reached for another car and flung it across the room. Emily took hold of his hand and led him out of the room, sitting him down on the bottom step. Tears were streaming down his face but she knew that if she gave in then she would be asking for trouble in the future.
‘You’re to sit there until you can behave properly. Understand?’
Theo let out an angry roar as she went back to the sitting room. Ben was on his feet, looking worried.
‘Is it because I’m here?’
‘No. Just a touch of the terrible twos.’ She smiled when he looked puzzled. ‘A lot of two-year-olds have tantrums. Theo will soon calm down, you’ll see.’
He grimaced. ‘I have a lot to learn.’
‘All parents do, assuming they’re prepared to put in the time and effort.’
He sighed. ‘I want to, Emily. I want to more than anything.’
‘Then do it. Don’t let anything put you off.’ She looked into his eyes, praying that she could convince him to see sense. Now that they had found each other again, she couldn’t bear to think that this might be the end. ‘You can be a father to Theo if it’s what you really want.’ She paused but the words had to be said. ‘We can be a proper family, if that’s what you want too.’
CHAPTER TEN
A PROPER family.
Ben could feel the words reverberating inside his head. He barely noticed when Emily excused herself to go to Theo. Sinking down onto the sofa, he tried to rid his mind of the tantalising thought but it refused to budge. A proper family—was that what he wanted? Him, Emily and Theo?
He’d been too involved with his career before the cancer had struck to think about having a family and afterwards he had simply ruled out the idea of it happening. Now Emily’s words had opened up a whole new world to him, one, he realised, that he wanted to grab with both hands, but how could he? How could he commit himself to having a family when he had no idea how long he had left on this earth?
Pain seared through him and he closed his eyes. Although he’d thought he had accepted that his future was uncertain, that had been before he’d met Emily again. Now he found himself cursing fate for dealing him such a rotten hand. It would almost have been better if he’d been told that he had X number of years to live; at least then he could have made his plans accordingly. However, this ongoing uncertainty made him feel as though he was in a state of limbo. If he remained free of cancer he could have everything he’d ever dreamt about. But if it came back, he’d have even more to lose. Could he really live with that prospect?
‘Theo wants to say goodnight.’
Emily came back with Theo and Ben’s heart contracted as he opened his eyes. How he longed to be part of their lives. He would be the happiest man alive if he could do that.
‘Goodnight, Theo.’ He stood up and went over to them, bending so that he could look at the little boy—his son. His heart spasmed again so that it was all he could do to speak. ‘I enjoyed playing with you, tonight, mon petit.’
‘Theo enjoyed playing with you too, didn’t you, darling? Let’s hope you and Ben can do it again very soon.’
Ben heard the challenge in Emily’s voice and bit back a sigh. She was determined to get her own way but she didn’t understand what it could mean. He only had to recall how his parents had suffered to know that he couldn’t bear to put her and Theo through that kind of heartache.
‘We shall see.’ He ruffled the little boy’s dark curls, ignoring the sharp look that Emily gave him. He wouldn’t make any promises that he might not be able to keep.
‘I’m sure we’ll work something out,’ she said firmly. She led Theo to the door then glanced back. ‘Help yourself to more coffee. There’s plenty in the pot.’
‘Thank you but I think it’s time I went.’ He shrugged. ‘You need to get Theo to bed so I’ll get out of your way.’
‘You don’t have to leave,’ she said quickly. ‘I won’t be long. Please stay.’
Ben shuddered when he heard the invitation in her voice. He knew that if he stayed he would end up spending the night with her. Even though it was what he longed to do, it wouldn’t be right. Unless he could offer Emily what she deserved, a lifetime’s commitment, then he wouldn’t take advantage of her feelings for him.
‘Thank you but I should go.’ He looked her straight in the eyes, wanting there to be no mistake about his meaning. ‘It’s better this way, Emily. Believe me.’
‘If you say so.’
She turned away without another word. Ben waited until she and Theo had gone upstairs before he let himself out. He got in the car, feeling the pain tugging at his heart. He didn’t want to leave, but he didn’t have a choice. He had to go or he would run the risk of hurting Emily and Theo and that was something he refused to do. As he drove back to Bride’s Bay, he could feel an emptiness opening up inside him. Maybe he couldn’t have that family Emily had spoken of but he could imagine how wonderful it would have been. He, Emily and their son together. For ever.
* * *
Emily felt worn out when she arrived at the surgery the following morning. She’d spent a sleepless night thinking about everything Ben had said.
Although she believed he was wrong to cut her and Theo out of his life, she had no idea how she could persuade him to reconsider. He was determined to do the noble thing, no matter what it cost him. Or her.
Tears welled to her eyes as she hurried into her room. Closing the door, she went over to the washbasin and splashed her face with cold water. She had just finished when Hannah appeared.
‘Hi, Emily. I was wondering if you could squeeze Mitch Johnson in for a blood pressure test this morning,’ she began then paused uncertainly. ‘Are you all right? You look as though you’ve been crying.’
‘I’m fine.’ Emily summoned a smile as she went over to the desk and checked her diary. ‘I can fit Mitch in around eleven if that’s any use.’
‘That would be great. Thanks,’ Hannah replied automatically then sighed. ‘Look, tell me to mind my own business if you like, but has something happened? Between you and Ben, I mean?’
‘Yes and no.’ Emily dredged up another smile but she could feel her eyes filling again. ‘He came to see Theo last night.’
‘He told us you’d invited him round. Did things not go too well?’
‘No, it was fine. Theo seemed to take a real shine to him in fact.’
‘So what’s the problem?’
‘The problem is that Ben has decided it would be better if he didn’t get involved in Theo’s life after all.’
‘What!’ Hannah exclaimed. ‘Why on earth not?’
‘Because he’s worried about Theo getting hurt if...if anything happens to him.’
A sob welled from her lips and Hannah hurried over and put her arm around her. ‘Come and sit down and tell me all about it.’ She steered Emily towards the couch and sat her down then drew up a chair. ‘Come on. Give.’
Emily found herself pouring out the whole sorry tale. ‘Ben’s decided that it would be wrong to get involved in case the cancer comes back. I tried to convince him that he was making a mistake but he seems determined to do things his way.’
‘I see.’ Hannah sighed. ‘It’s a very difficult situation, isn’t it? I don’t know how I’d feel if I were in Ben’s shoes.’
‘You wouldn’t turn your back on the people who love you!’ Emily countered hotly and Hannah’s brows rose.
‘Are you saying what I think you are?’
‘That I love Ben?’ Emily shrugged. ‘Yes, I do. He also admitted that he loves me but apparently it’s not enough to make him see sense.’
‘Oh, Emily, I am so sorry. I don’t know what to say, really I don’t.’ Hannah got up and gave her a hug. ‘Do you want me to ask Tom to have a word with him?’
‘No thanks. Apart from the fact that I doubt if it would achieve anything, it’s something we have to sort out for ourselves. If Ben doesn’t love me enough to overcome his fears, there’s not much I can do.’
‘I doubt if it’s a lack of love that’s causing the problem. Just the opposite, I’d guess.’ Hannah stood up. ‘I know it’s hard, Emily, but don’t give up just yet, will you? Ben may change his mind.’
‘I doubt it.’
They didn’t say anything more on the subject. However, the thought that Ben might change his mind lingered for the rest of the day. Emily knew that she had to do as her friend had suggested and not give up. Maybe it was a long shot, and maybe she wouldn’t be able to persuade him to see sense, but she had to try. She would always regret it if she didn’t.
In contrast to the previous day, Ben found the time dragged. Not even the patients could take his mind off the thoughts that had plagued him ever since he’d left Emily’s house the night before. Was he making a mistake by turning his back on her and Theo? Would Theo come to hate him for not being a proper father to him? But what would happen to them both if the cancer returned and he needed more treatment?
By the end of the day, his head was aching from worrying about it. All he wanted to do was to go home, not home to Tom and Hannah’s house, but home to his apartment in Paris. He was convinced that once he was back there, he would be able to think things through and decide what to do. Being so close to Emily only complicated matters.
As soon as he left the surgery, he phoned the airline and booked himself onto a flight leaving on Saturday morning. Obviously, he couldn’t go before then when he’d promised to fill in for Simon but he should be able to get through another couple of days. He felt a little better by the time he drew up in front of Tom and Hannah’s cottage, calmer, less stressed. Hannah was coming out of the sitting room when he let himself in and he smiled at her.
‘You were quick tonight.’
‘My list was a bit shorter than usual so I was able to get away on time for once.’ She glanced round when the door bell rang. ‘Oh, that must be Emily. She offered to fetch Charlie from nursery when she collected Theo and drop him off on her way home.’
Ben didn’t have time to do anything before she opened the door. Emily was standing on the step, holding Charlie. She had Theo with her as well and he felt his heart ache as he looked at them, the two most important people in his life. How could he walk away and leave them, yet how could he stay and possibly end up hurting them?
‘Hello, Ben. How are you?’
Emily’s voice was low, the smile she gave him filled with the same uncertainty that filled him, and his heart overflowed with both tenderness and pain. Whatever he did, Emily would get hurt and he couldn’t bear to think of her suffering.
‘Confused.’ He returned her smile, knowing that she could see everything he was feeling.
‘Me too.’ She handed Charlie to Hannah, who diplomatically took him into the sitting room, leaving them alone. ‘All I can think of is that there has to be a way through this, a way that doesn’t mean you cutting us out of your life.’
‘I don’t want to cut you out, Emily. Really I don’t,’ he admitted, unable to lie.
‘Then don’t. I know you’re afraid of us getting hurt, but we’re hurting now, Ben.’ She glanced at Theo. ‘Theo must have asked at least a dozen times on the drive here if you were coming for supper. You’ve made a big impression on him.’
‘Have I?’ Ben’s heart swelled with joy at the thought that he had already formed a bond with the child. He bent and ruffled Theo’s hair. ‘Have you had a good day at nursery, mon petit?’
‘Yes. I took my new car.’
Theo proudly showed him the red racing car that Ben had bought for him, making it clear that it was his most prized possession, and Ben’s heart swelled that bit more. Straightening up, he looked at Emily, knowing that he was allowing his emotions to get the better of him yet unable to stop it happening. ‘May I come for supper again some time?’
‘You can come tonight, if you want to,’ she said softly. ‘It will be pot luck, I’m afraid, but you won’t starve.’
‘I don’t care.’ He shrugged. ‘It is not the food that interests me but the people who will be there.’
She smiled up at him, her pretty face alight with laughter. ‘You always did know how to pay the most wonderful compliments. You must practise them!’
He laughed, thrilled to see the warmth in her eyes that had chased away that expression of despondency. ‘Are you accusing me of being a flirt, Miss Jackson?’
‘Yes. I’m sure you flirt with all the women who pass through your life.’
‘I do.’ He sighed. ‘Particularly the older ladies. A little harmless flirting does a lot to restore a person’s spirits, I find.’
‘It certainly gave mine a boost,’ she said, laughing. She grasped Theo by the hand. ‘Come on, darling, it’s time we went home. Ben’s coming for supper and I need to see what’s in the fridge.’
‘Don’t go to any trouble,’ he said quickly. ‘I’m happy with whatever you’re having.’
She looked back and grinned. ‘You may regret saying that!’
She was still la
ughing as she led Theo to the car and strapped him in. She sketched Ben a wave but for several minutes after she had driven off, he stayed where he was. He knew that supper would be just the precursor to a whole lot more and although the thought of making love to Emily filled him with joy, it also scared him. Once they’d moved their relationship up a notch, it would be so much harder to hold back.
* * *
‘Fish fingers, chips and beans. Theo chose it. It’s his favourite supper.’
Emily grinned at the bemused expression on Ben’s face as she put the plate in front of him. She had half expected him to have second thoughts and cancel but she’d been wrong. He had arrived half an hour ago and spent the intervening time playing with Theo. Did it mean that he’d had a change of heart and intended to stick around? She had no idea, but it was a starting point, a stepping stone towards rebuilding their relationship.
Heat roared through her at the thought of all that it entailed and she hastily fetched her own plate. Theo was happily tucking into his supper, obviously eager to get back to the game he and Ben had been playing. She hadn’t been lying when she’d told Ben that Theo had been asking about him; Ben’s name had been mentioned so many times that she’d lost count. He had made a huge impression on Theo and that had to be a good thing... Didn’t it?
A sliver of doubt wormed its way into her mind and she frowned. Was she right to push Ben into being a real father to Theo when there was a chance the child could get hurt? She’d been so intent on making Ben reconsider his decision that she’d not really thought it all through, but if Theo came to love Ben, as he would, it would break his heart if something happened to him.
The Son That Changed His Life Page 9
