The Harder I Fall

by Jessica Gibson

  I finished and turned the music off. “How long have you been standing there?”

  “A while. You are magnificent.”

  I tried not to smile; I didn't need him to compliment me. His affection towards me muddied the waters. I needed to have focus, not distractions. “Thanks, but I don't really like people watching me dance.”

  “Why? You have to know that you are amazing, right?”

  “The piece isn't finished. I hate to make mistakes with an audience present.”

  “Becca, you can't be perfect all of the time. It’s okay to be human, and it’s okay to have fun outside of ballet.”

  I pushed past that comment. “Look, I need to go get ready for class. I assume you plan on walking me back to the dorms.” It wasn’t a question; I knew that’s what he was here for.

  “Yeah, grab your stuff. I got you a coffee, too; it’s on the table in front.”

  This was dangerous, him doing sweet things for me. What was I going to do when this ended and I was used to him being around?

  “Come on then.” I grabbed my things and stuffed them into my duffel bag. Levi handed me the coffee, and we walked back to the dorm.

  “How long have you been dancing?” he asked.

  “A long time, since I was seven.”

  Levi grinned at me.

  “What?”

  “I’m imagining you as a little girl in a tutu. You must have been cute. All those ballet recitals where you probably played a flower or a swan. Your parents must have been so proud of you.”

  “Can we change the subject?” I didn't want to get into the parent situation with him.

  “Did I say something wrong?”

  “Don’t worry about it,” I mumbled. Thankfully we were back to my dorm room and I could scoot inside before he questioned me further.

  Sadie was inside; she had been avoiding Levi like the plague for weeks since the incident at the party. She scowled at me when I walked in.

  “Was that Levi with you?” she asked.

  That did it. I blew up at her. “Where do you get off? He showed he was interested in me from the very beginning, but you didn't seem to care at all. From the first night we met, you tried to edge me out. I’m not interested in him for now, but you do not get to be pissed at me because he likes me and not you. I should be fully pissed at you for even trying to go for him before you asked if I was interested. Isn’t that what friends are supposed to do? So drop the poor me attitude and get the f over it.” I stomped off to our room before she could reply. I was too pissed to even hear what she had to say.

  I hastily grabbed some clothes from my dresser and hopped into the shower, hoping it would help to calm me down. This did not bode well if I was already this irritated and it wasn't even 8:00 am.

  Sadie was in our room when I grabbed my backpack. I didn’t look at her or try and talk. This would be the first day we hadn’t eaten breakfast together before class. I buttoned up my coat and walked out into the crisp fall air.

  “Becca! Oh, I’m glad I caught you.” I turned and saw Renatta Nettles, the ballet instructor running toward me. “Would you be willing to join our Christmas production of The Nutcracker? I would love for you to be our Clara. I’m sure you know the part?” She smiled warmly.

  I did; I had played Clara many times in my ballet career. I just didn’t know if I had the extra time to devote to it. “I don't know. I’m not sure.”

  “Please say you’ll do it; we need you,” she pleaded with me.

  My mind raced on how I would pay for the costume and new pointe shoes.

  “We will pay for everything,” she said, almost reading my mind. “There’s money in the budget for it. Just say you will do it.”

  “Okay, I’ll do it.” I kicked myself, knowing that I had just signed on for one thing too many.

  “Wonderful. Thank you, Becca. This part was made for you. Rehearsals are Mondays and Wednesdays; can you make that work with your schedule? First rehearsal is tonight. Come if you can make it.”

  I nodded. “I’ll make it work.”

  “Thank you, thank you, thank you. You are saving us big time.” She hugged me tightly and rushed off.

  I liked Renatta. She was sort of a mixture of free spirit and super organized. An odd combination, but it really worked for her. I was now going to have to go and speak with my boss and switch at least one of my work days until the show closed.

  I got through my first couple of classes and walked along toward my next class. Levi was waiting for me inside; he had a seat saved for me.

  “Hey, how has your day been?” he asked.

  “Not bad. I’m going to be the lead in the school’s production of The Nutcracker,” I blurted out.

  He smiled broadly. “Oh yeah? That’s awesome; I’ll have to come to one of the performances.”

  “Yeah, it’s going to mean a lot of extra work for me, but it could be great.” I found myself getting excited about it. Being on stage again would feel amazing.

  “What are you guys doing for Halloween?”

  “I don’t know. I honestly hadn't even thought about it. I’m sure Sadie and Mel will drag me somewhere, dressed as a slutty version of something.”

  Something in his expression changed and he licked his lips. “I’d like to see that.”

  I coughed. “What are you guys doing?”

  “There’s a big party at one of the frat houses; we’re probably going to go to that one.”

  I nodded, not sure what else to say. The professor came in a moment later and launched right into his lecture. I did my best to pay attention and take notes.

  Later that night, I was bone tired from an extra shift at work and my first rehearsal with the ballet class. Sadie and I still hadn’t talked since this morning. She was doing her best to avoid me. I didn’t care; I was too exhausted to think much about it. I decided to just go to bed early. Even though it was only 8:30, I could barely keep my eyes open. I laid myself down on my bed and drifted off to sleep.

  So much blood. Can't stop it, can’t stop the bleeding. Frannie, stay with me, don’t go. Mom’s lying in the corner, passed out from drinking too much again. I need help, why won’t someone help us? Daddy is sitting on the floor next to us, the belt in his hands, covered in blood. It’s Frannie’s blood. He looks at me and smiles; I know that smile. It means that I’m next.

  Someone was shaking me. I opened my eyes and sat up quickly. “What? Is everything okay?”

  “Becca, you were screaming.” Sadie looked terrified. Mel and Layla stood in the doorway, looking equally worried.

  Oh no. My heart sank; the dreams had started again. I’d been doing so well. It must have been all the changes and stress.

  “I was?” I feigned ignorance.

  “Yeah, are you okay?”

  “I’m fine. I don’t even remember what I was dreaming about.” The lie slipped off my tongue easily. I would have to remember to take my sleeping pills at night; they seemed to keep the dreams at bay.

  “Are you sure?” Sadie sat down on my bed. Layla and Mel looked uncertain of what to do.

  “Yeah, look, you all don't have to stay in here; go on back to bed.” I put on a smile, but even to me, it felt false. Layla and Mel left, but Sadie stayed where she was.

  “I owe you an apology,” she said. “I know I’ve been a bitch, and I did know he liked you. I shouldn’t have thrown myself at him like that.”

  “It’s fine.”

  “It’s not, but I can promise I won't do anything like that again.” She smiled and squeezed my hand. “You can tell me the truth, you know. What was that screaming in your sleep all about?”

  I shook my head. “I’m not ready yet. There are some things that are just too painful to say out loud.”

  She looked like she wanted to press me further, but she didn’t. “Okay, well, you know where I am if you ever want to talk.”

  “Thanks, Sadie; that means a lot. I’ve never had a real friend before, so I may not always be the best at it, but I r
eally do care about you.”

  “Don’t worry. You’re doing fine.” Sadie hugged me, and I let her; I didn’t pull away like I normally would.

  HALLOWEEN WAS A HUGE EVENT on campus. Everyone was really excited about it. Mel and Sadie had gotten all of us our costumes. We were going as slutty Ninja Turtles; I was to be slutty Donatello.

  We were going to a sort of moving party/adult trick or treating event. I guess what would happen is we would go to each stop of the party and trick or treat. Only it wouldn't be candy we would get.

  “Are you excited? I’m so excited!” Sadie squealed as we got dressed in our costumes. They were green mini dresses with yellow detail on the chests and we all had our corresponding colored masks.

  Sadie pulled my hair into a high top knot and put a big purple bow on it; we all had bows to match our masks.

  “I guess so. I mean, I’ve never been to anything like this before.”

  “Me, neither, but everyone says it’s the best party of the year.”

  She had wanted us to all wear high heels, but Layla and I had put our foot down and said we should all wear matching Converse low tops.

  “Come on; let’s go and see if the other girls are ready.” She pulled me up off the bed and dragged me out of the room.

  “You ladies ready?” Sadie called.

  “Coming,” Mel replied.

  I had to admit that we all looked super cute in our costumes, and I loved that we did a group costume. In a matter of minutes, we had grabbed our plastic pumpkins and were out into the twilight. The first stop was at a dorm across the walkway from us. Loud music and laughter could be heard from behind the doors.

  “Trick or treat!” We shouted in unison at the first door with a pumpkin on it.

  “Well, what do we have here? Looks like slutty Ninja Turtles. I approve.” A guy dressed like Edward from Twilight, complete with body glitter, answered the door. “Come on in and get your treats from the cooler.”

  There were tons of people milling around; the best costume I had seen so far in the evening was a group dressed as boxcars on a train. They said they were The Boxcar Children. I thought it was clever.

  Our goodies at this stop were Jell-O shots. They had them in every color and flavor one could imagine and in little single servings with lids. Sadie and Mel grabbed a bunch and tossed them into their pumpkins.

  “Come on, girls, the night is young and we have a lot more stops to make.” Sadie herded us in the direction of the door. An hour later, we made our way out of the dorm and back outside. Sadie had filled my pumpkin with all sorts of things: tiny bottles of booze, something called “rummy bears,” and some candy. We walked on and up to one of the frat houses that was participating. The music was a loud roar that could be heard from across the campus.

  “Ladies.” Julian walked up beside us.

  “Hey, Julian.” Sadie smiled brightly. I guess she was over her obsession with Levi.

  I looked over at Julian; he was dressed as Draco Malfoy from Harry Potter. Levi fell into step beside me; he was dressed as Harry Potter, with glasses, scar, the whole shebang.

  “Love the costume.” He grinned at me.

  “Yeah, what there is of it,” I scoffed.

  “It’s really working for you. Besides, I always liked Donatello the best.”

  Sadie was chatting away with Julian about what they had gotten trick or treating. Levi slung his arm around my shoulders as we walked and I found myself liking the closeness so I didn’t ask him to move it.

  We all walked up the steps and into the house. Everyone split off; Julian, and Sadie wandered off together, and Layla found the nearest couch and parked herself on it. Mel went off in search of hot boys to flirt with.

  “Want to go out back?” Levi gestured towards the glass door.

  “Sure.” I was suddenly nervous. Something told me that our relationship was going to change tonight, and I wasn’t sure I was ready for it.

  We sat on some lawn chairs out in the backyard; most of the people were inside, so it was relatively quiet. “I want to say something, but I don’t want you to say anything back for a while.”

  “Okay,” I replied nervously.

  “I don’t want to take anything away from your dancing, or your studies. I just want to be included somewhere in your life. I more than like you Becca.”

  My heart thudded in my chest. “What are you saying, Levi?”

  “I want to us to date; that’s what I’m saying.”

  “I don’t know. There’s so much about me that you just don't know. I’m not what you’re looking for.”

  “So tell me what I don't know then,” he said.

  “It’s not that easy for me to share.”

  “I’m not going anywhere, Becca. I just want to know you.”

  I sighed and put my face in my hands. “My mom is a drunk, and my dad is in prison.” I hoped that would be good enough for him now.

  “Why is your dad in prison?” he asked.

  “I’m not ready to talk about that. Let’s just leave it at that, okay?” I gave him a look that begged him not to press me on it further.

  “I’ll let it drop for now. It’s Halloween; we should be having fun anyway. Tell me something you love to do.”

  “Ballet. It’s been the only constant in my life. I feel so free when I dance, like nothing can touch me.” I smiled, and for the first time in a while, it didn’t feel forced.

  “You should do that more often.”

  “Do what?” I asked.

  Smile.” He leaned in and kissed my cheek. “You’re always so serious; it’s nice to see that hard exterior crack every now and then.”

  “I’m less serious since I’ve been here. Sadie brings out the best in me.”

  “Will you let me take you out?” He linked our fingers on my lap.

  “I don’t know, Levi. I don't feel right about us dating when Sadie was so interested in you. I don't make friends easily, and she’s the best one I’ve got.”

  “She seems to be over it; she and Julian looked pretty into each other. I know for sure he wants to date her.”

  “Just leave it for a bit. I’m not ready.” The thought of kissing him, of what he would expect from me in the future, freaked me out. To say I was inexperienced was an understatement; the kiss Levi had given me a few weeks ago was my only experience. I just needed to convince him we would be better as friends.

  “There you guys are.” Sadie and Julian, followed by Layla and Mel, streamed out into the backyard. “Are you ready for the next stop?”

  Levi looked like he wanted to say no.

  “Yeah, of course; bring on the trick or treating,” I said overenthusiastically.

  “There you go, Becca. It’s nice to see you finally getting into the spirit!”

  We all left together and continued down the candy and booze trail of trick or treating. I stuck close to Layla for the rest of the night. I didn’t want Levi to corner me again and press me about dating him. Things would be better this way; he would see that soon enough. It would suck seeing him with someone else eventually, but I would get over it, just like I always did.

  “TELL ME THE TRUTH, BECS; do you like Levi?” Sadie asked me out of the blue while we were studying in our room. Levi and I had sort of been avoiding each other in the weeks since Halloween; well, I had been avoiding him and he had been everywhere I was.

  “What? Why do you ask that?”

  “I see the way he looks at you, and the way you look at him when you think no one is watching. It’s okay if you do; I’m over him. I’m all about Julian these days.” She smiled.

  “I don’t know. I sort of like him, but I’m not interested in starting anything with him.”

  “Why not?”

  “I have too much on my plate right now. When would I have time to date someone?” I asked.

  “That has to be the dumbest thing you’ve ever said. If you like him, you will find time. It’s not as if you’re chained to the ballet studio, or to the coffee
shop.”

  “I don’t date, Sadie. Just leave it alone, okay?”

  “What happened to you to make you like this? I know those dreams you swear are nothing, where you wake up screaming, have something to do with it.” She came and sat on my bed.

  “That’s not a story I really want to tell.” I smiled sadly at her, hoping that she would drop it, but knowing that she wouldn’t.

  “Becs, just tell me,” she pressed.

  “Fine, just know that I have never told a single other person this story outside of the police and a few lawyers.” Sadie nodded and gripped my hand. “When I was ten-years-old, my dad beat my younger sister Frannie to death with a belt. It happened in front of my younger brother, Chad, and me.” I felt a tear slide down my cheek and I wiped at it.

  “Mom was drunk, of course, like she always was, and is. He had been drinking, too, but unlike my mom, he was a mean drunk. We usually slept out of the house when Dad was home because he always hit us. For some reason, that night we didn't leave, and he went after Frannie with his belt buckle. No matter how loud I screamed and kicked at him, he just wouldn't stop. It wasn't until long after she was dead that he finally passed out in the corner next to my mom. CPS took Chad and me away from my mom after my dad went to prison, but she got us back a few months later.” I stopped, unable to control the tears or the tremor in my voice.

  “Ballet and taking care of Chad were the only things that mattered in my life. I was forever branded by what my dad did that night; instead of feeling sorry for me, people just felt disdain.” I choked out the sob I had been holding in.

  Sadie wrapped me in her arms, holding me tight against her. “I’m so sorry,” she whispered. I wanted to run, but she held me in place. I gave up struggling and just let her hold me as I poured out all of the emotion I had been holding in for eight years.

  “So now you know.” I wiped the tears from my eyes.

  “Yeah, now I know, and I’m still here, Becca. What happened wasn’t your fault. You know that, right?”

  “I know it wasn’t my fault, but I still feel guilty about leaving Chad to come here. I should be with him, taking care of him.”