The Harder I Fall

by Jessica Gibson

  “Well, that’s not putting me on the spot or anything.” He laughed. “I’m awesome at the piano, like really, really good. I could have gone to Juilliard, but I didn’t want all the pressure.”

  That was really surprising. “Do you still play?” I asked.

  “Yeah, when I can. Not since I’ve been at school, though.”

  “I’m actually really shocked by that. You don’t seem like the piano playing type.”

  “What’s the piano playing type?”

  “Oh, you know, not you. More serious.”

  “Are you saying I’m not serious? Becca, you wound me.” He put a hand to his heart in mock outrage.

  “You know what I mean.”

  “I do, and in truth, playing the piano was a way to channel my energy,” he said. “Once I stopped all the drugs and shit, I started playing again, and I got serious about it. My mom had me in lessons at a really young age, but I stopped them for maybe a year or so when I was heavy into drugs and drinking.”

  “What do you want to do with your life?” I asked. “Where do you see yourself in five years?”

  “Wow, bringing out the big guns today, aren’t we? I don’t know. I think I’ll work with my dad and Uncle Jacob. I’m majoring in business, and after I graduate, I plan on going to the Gemological Institute of America. I want to be really hands-on, to be able to buy and sell. I guess in five years, I’d like to be on my way to all of that, and maybe on the way to marriage and a family.”

  I don’t know why I was shocked to hear him mention marriage and family. Most normal people thought about those things. They wanted a walk down the aisle, kids, all of it. I wasn't sure I wanted that, though.

  “What’s that face about?” he asked. “You look like I just told you that I have plans to become a mass murderer and you’re first on my list to kill.”

  I laughed. “Sorry. I just was thinking about the future, and where I want to be.”

  “That’s bad?”

  “No, I just don’t know that I want marriage, or kids.”

  Levi shrugged. “I wasn’t saying I wanted to marry you right this second, or at all.” I blushed; he was right. He never said he wanted to marry me. “But I’m not saying I can’t see that in the future, either. We’re young. We have tons of time to decide what we want.”

  My phone buzzed in my pocket; it was my mom. “Ugh, I don’t want to deal with her.”

  “So don’t.”

  “Not sure how long I can put it off.”

  “Until after Chad gets out. She’s only going to yell at you if you go now.”

  “You’re right.”

  We continued walking for a while, but the mood from before was lost. I was stuck in my own world again, and no matter how hard he tried to pull me out, it didn't work. I wanted so badly to believe that things were going to work out, but good things like this didn’t happen to people like Chad and me.

  “Get out of your head,” Levi said. “Stop overthinking it. You worrying right now won’t help anything.” I knew he was right, but I couldn’t seem to help it.

  We met his parents for lunch in town, and I was on pins and needles until we all sat down. “The good news is that your mom has agreed to let Chad come and live with us.” Samuel smiled. I was glad she has agreed to it, but I knew there was something else.

  “There’s a bit of bad news, too. She says you are not allowed to see him when he’s with us. We didn’t agree to it, but she asked all the same. I’m hoping it won’t become an issue in the future. ”

  My heart sank, although somehow I wasn’t surprised she had pulled a stunt like this. “If you will excuse me,” I mumbled and took off from the restaurant. Levi tried to come after me, but I didn't stop. I was seeing red, and she wasn’t going to get away with this.

  I ran all the way to my mom’s house, a little over a mile. My anger fueled me. I wasn't even tired. I banged on the front door. “I know you’re in there. Open the damn door.”

  “Rebecca, how lovely to see you.” She sneered at me, and the stench of stale cigarettes and alcohol assaulted my nose. “Please do come in.”

  “How much did they give you?” My voice was icy cold.

  “Enough.”

  “How much?” I demanded.

  “Fifty thousand.”

  “Do you feel good about yourself? You sold your son to a rich couple? If you were any kind of mom, you would have just agreed to let him go, but I know exactly who you are.”

  “Don’t you talk to me like that in my own house!”

  “Or what?” I asked. “What do you think you can do to me that you haven’t already done? Did you think I would let you get away with keeping Chad from me? Or that they would just say ok to something as ridiculous as that? They know who has raised him, and it sure as hell wasn’t you” I stepped closer to her, my rage simmering just under the surface.

  “Now you’ll know, Becca; now you’ll know how it feels to be kept from the one person you love. You took your daddy from me, and now I’m taking Chad from you.”

  “Who are you? That you could even be saying it’s the same thing. He killed Frannie, Mom; he beat her to death. Twenty years in prison isn’t enough. He should have gotten death.”

  “You don’t know what love is, Rebecca,” she said. “I love your daddy more than anything. And you took him away. You took the only good thing in my life away from me.”

  “I’ve spent my whole life hating you,” I told her. “Hating that you loved him more than us. Why did you even have us? You obviously have never loved any of us. You weren't even sad when Frannie died. I never saw you cry for her once. You’ve spent all this time being angry at me for this, when he was the one who did something wrong. I tried to save her, and I will go to my grave with the image of her blood all over me. If you think you can keep Chad from me, you can sure as hell try, but it won’t happen. Chad is my family, my only family, and I will see him, no matter what you say or what you had the Kleins agree to.”

  She opened her mouth to speak, but I put my hand up to stop her. “I don’t want to hear anything you have to say. I’m done now. We’re done. I never want to speak to you again.”

  She nodded and watched me walk out the door into the front yard. Levi was waiting by the car for me. I was shaking; my legs felt like they were going to turn into mush as I walked to him.

  “Are you okay?” he asked.

  “Honestly? No, but I will be.”

  EARLY MONDAY MORNING, JOSEPH HAD a meeting with the judge and the DA and arranged for Chad’s release. They let him off with time served, which I was so grateful for. I hugged him so tight when he and Joseph walked out of the courthouse. “Don’t you ever, ever, do something like this again! I’ve been half crazy since you called. I’m so happy you’re okay, and you're out.”

  He beamed at me and hugged me back. “Hey, it was a one-time thing; don’t worry about me ever doing it again.”

  “Can you give us a minute?” I asked Levi and his parents.

  “Of course, take all the time you need.” Levi kissed my cheek and they all walked away from us.

  “So you have a boyfriend?” Chad asked.

  “Um, yeah, I have a boyfriend. Look, there’s some things we need to talk about.” I led him over to one of the big stone benches in front of the steps. I filled him in on everything that had happened, and all of the decisions that were made.

  “I’m going to live with them?”

  “Yeah, if you’re okay with that you will,” I said. “If, for any reason, you’re not okay with it, then you and I will figure something out here.”

  “No. You need to be in school. This is all a little nuts, but I’ll do it. What do I have to lose, right? It couldn’t be worse than living with mom.” He laughed.

  We spent a while longer talking and catching up before joining the others.

  “What else have you been doing while I’ve been gone?”

  “Normal stuff.” He shrugged.

  “Nothing else like selling drugs rig
ht?”

  “No, nothing else like that. Just school, and trying to find a job to help pay for things. When it was clear mom wasn’t going to go look for something, I tried my hardest to bring in some money. Not a lot of people would hire a fifteen-year-old, especially one with Langer for a last name.”

  It bothered me now more than ever that people judged us by who our parents were. Chad had always been a good kid, and it hurt me every time he wasn’t invited to a birthday party, or asked to come play after school. I was glad he was getting a fresh start. He deserved it.

  The rest of the day was spent getting Chad packed up and letting him get to know the Kleins. We were due to fly back to New York the next morning.

  Levi and I were back in our room at the hotel, Chad was in one of his own, and the Kleins were staying in a hotel by the airport.

  “How are you feeling about everything?” Levi asked me. “We haven't really talked much since the situation with your mom.” He patted the bed next to him and I joined him.

  “I’m sort of numb, I guess. On the one hand, I finally told her everything I have always wanted to say, so that feels good. On the other, it was hard having her not be even slightly upset by us leaving and never coming back. She didn’t even cry, just watched me go.”

  “I’m sorry. I honestly don’t know what to say that would make you feel better.” He hugged me close.

  “You don’t have to say anything. I’m more relieved than anything. I never have to see her again.”

  “How do you think Chad is dealing with all of this?” he asked.

  “Good, I think; he didn’t say much when we were packing. He seems excited about moving to New York.”

  “My mom is so excited to have someone under eighteen living in the house again. She was never happier than when Seth, Joseph, and I were all under her roof.”

  “You have another brother?”

  “Yeah, Seth is the oldest, then Joseph, and finally me. He lives in England and runs the European side of the business.”

  “So Joseph is the oddball who doesn’t work for the family?” I said.

  “He actually does; he’s the family lawyer. When you’re as big of a company as we are, its integral to have an in-house team of lawyers. He heads up the division.” Knowing Chad was going to be with such good people made my heart happy. They really were amazing. I could tell he would be loved. He deserved so much better than he was ever given.

  “Does it feel like it’s been at least a month since we left school?” Levi said suddenly.

  “Yes! I feel like it’s been way more than five days. It will be nice to get back into my routine of studying, work, and dancing.”

  “Don’t forget to make room for me in there.” He grinned.

  “I could never forget you.”

  “Here, let me make sure of that.” He trailed a line of kisses down my neck to my collarbone. I shivered as goose bumps covered my skin. His lips finally made their way to my own and I took the lead for once, diving into the kiss, but a knock at the door interrupted us.

  “I should get that.” He reluctantly got up.

  It was Chad. “Am I interrupting anything?” he asked.

  “No, of course not; come on in.” I waved him in. “What’s up?”

  “I can’t sleep.”

  “Want to watch a movie?” I patted the bed next to me. I looked at Levi, who was getting his shoes on.

  “I’m going to run to the store. I’ll be back with some junk food.” He blew me a kiss and left us alone.

  “Okay, spill it.” I faced Chad in the bed.

  “What if I screw this up?”

  “You won’t,” I said. “This is a new start for you. You can be anything you want. Don’t let everything that’s happened to us ruin you forever.”

  “I’m just a little scared. All of this is happening so fast. I don't even really know them that at all.”

  “Say the word and we’ll figure something else out. I don’t ever want you to feel weird about any of this.”

  “Becs, you aren’t my mom, and you deserve a life, too.”

  “I know I’m not your mom, but I’m your only family. I never want you to feel like I don’t want you.”

  “I have never felt like that,” he said. “You gave up so much for me, and would have given up more if I’d let you.”

  “You’re everything to me; there is nothing I wouldn’t do for you.” I hugged him tightly.

  “So, tell me about Levi. I never would have imagined you’d have a boyfriend. You were always so serious and focused on ballet.”

  “I still am.” I laughed. “He just wouldn’t take no for an answer.”

  “He seems like a good guy.”

  “He is; he makes me get out of my head and experience life. Between him and my roommate, Sadie, I will have the college experience.”

  “You seem different, lighter,” my brother noticed. “Like you aren’t carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders.”

  “I guess that’s sort of true. Now that you’ll be in New York, I have less to stress out about,” I replied.

  “I’m just happy to see you smile again. It’s been too long.” He was right; I had spent my whole childhood being sad, and taking care of him and our mom. I never had a chance to be happy.

  “Okay, what should we watch?” I asked.

  “Nothing. I’m going back to my room. You and Levi have fun eating junk food and watching whatever.” He kissed my cheek and left.

  Levi came back five minutes later, carrying bags of soda and junk food. “Chad left?”

  “Yeah, he just needed a pep talk.”

  “He going to be okay?”

  “Yeah, it’s just a ton to take in all at once.”

  “What do you want to watch?” He kicked his shoes off and hopped on the bed next to me.

  “Anything.” I snuggled against him.

  We settled on one of the superhero movies that had come out in the past year. I couldn’t say what it was about because my eyes got heavy at the very beginning. The next thing I knew it was morning and Levi was telling me to get in the shower. “Come on, sleepy; get a move on. Plane takes off in an hour.”

  I reluctantly rolled out of bed and went straight into the shower. I never felt truly awake until I had a shower. By the time I came out, though, I was fresh as a daisy and ready to roll.

  We all met up at the airport. Chad had been quiet since the hotel. I squeezed his hand as we walked up the steps into the plane. “Just remember, this is your fresh start; make it what you want it to be,” I whispered.

  He smiled and straightened his shoulders.

  Levi and I sat toward the back of the plane, and Chad and the Kleins sat up front. I was happy to see him smile and laugh. Really, I was just happy to see him look young and carefree. I hoped this would be what he needed.

  Flipping through the texts on my phone before the plane took off, I saw that I had about a zillion new ones from Sadie wondering where I was, and why I wasn’t answering her. “Sadie is freaking the f out.” I put my phone on the tray table.

  “She’ll get over it.”

  I laughed. “I’m sure she will; it’s the before she’s over it part I’m not super excited about.”

  “What are you plans for tomorrow?” Levi asked.

  “Work, hopefully, if I still have a job, and some ballet. Probably some studying in there, too. I’m way behind on a paper that’s due the first week back. I had planned on getting it done over the break, but now I’m sure it won't happen. Ugh, I really hate being off schedule.”

  A slow smile spread across his face.

  “What?” I asked.

  “You’re cute when you get all panicky like that.”

  “I was not panicky!”

  “You were, but it’s okay; it was cute. Your job will still be waiting for you when you get back.”

  “How do you know? I didn't even call them to tell them I was going away. I texted my boss, but didn’t hear anything back.”

 
; “I did. I told them you had a family emergency and had to leave in a hurry,” he said. “It’s all fine. Your boss said not to worry about it, and that it was their slow time anyway because everyone is gone for the holiday..”

  “How are you always this amazing? You think of everything all the time. You have to have something wrong with you,” I said. “Do you have like a tail or something?”

  He snorted. “A tail?”

  “Yeah, like one of those small tails some people are born with. Or do you have a third nipple or something else weird?”

  “Why do you want me to have something weird?”

  “So, I would feel more normal.”

  “You don’t need anything at all to be more perfect than you already are. Besides, normal is overrated. Awkward and weird is where it’s at.”

  The rest of the flight went by as quickly as a cross-country flight could go. We all watched movies together and talked. I found myself drawn to Ruth; she was the mother I’d always wanted but never had. She was in Heaven mothering Chad. They were going to enroll him in school as soon as they could. She asked him a million questions about things he liked, and how he wanted his room to be decorated.

  It was nice to see what a normal family was like. Samuel and Levi were in heated conversation about something off on one side of the plane, and the rest of us were gathered around the screen watching a movie. It felt nice, and I was terrified to let myself get used to it.

  ROUTINES AND SCHEDULES; THAT’S WHAT made me happy. When I had my schedule down - ballet, school, work, studying, and Levi I was at ease. Screw that up? I was lost. I was furiously trying to catch up on all of the studying I’d missed while I was gone when Sadie came back on Wednesday.

  “Oh, so you are alive?” she asked sarcastically.

  “Sorry, it’s just been a little nuts.” I had texted her when we got back, but not since then.

  “Explain.” She sat on her bed and stared at me. I took a breath and launched into everything that had happened over the break. “I’m kind of at a loss for words. That’s insane.”

  “I know. I’m still reeling.”

  “How is Chad handling such a huge change?” she asked.