The Harder I Fall

by Jessica Gibson

  “Are you sure you want me to dance this with you? It’s so powerful when you do it alone,” Caroline said.

  “It’s a duet. Of course I want you to dance it with me.”

  “I think you should do this one alone, and we’ll do the others together.” She shook her head. “There’s no way I can match your emotion in this.”

  “Are you sure?”

  “Very sure. You’re going to kill it.” She grinned.

  We ran through the other dances a few times before we had to go to class. “See you tonight?” she asked.

  “Yeah, I’ll be here.” I watched her go before I turned the music back on and ran through my solo routine again.

  On my way back to the dorm, I saw Levi and her walking hand in hand, laughing. Ugh, when would it stop feeling like my heart was being shredded into ribbons when I saw him? I put my head down and walked past them. He saw me and smiled; I didn’t smile back.

  “Up and at ‘em!” I yelled when I walked into the dorm. This was our habit; I woke the girls when I got back from dancing in the morning. Layla and Mel stumbled out into the common room.

  “What time is it?” Mel mumbled.

  “7:30, normal time. Do either of you want the shower first?” I asked.

  “Uh uh, you go ahead.” Layla motioned for the bathroom.

  I went into my room to grab my clothes and found Sadie and Julian still asleep. “Come on, you two, time to get up. Sadie, I know for a fact you have a class in an hour.” I threw a pillow at them.

  “Five more minutes,” Julian murmured and snuggled in closer to Sadie.

  “You better be up by the time I’m done with my shower.” I tossed another pillow on them.

  “Thanks, Mom,” Sadie giggled.

  An hour later, we all walked to the dining hall together for breakfast. I grabbed a banana and joined them at the table. “Is that all you’re eating for breakfast?” Sadie arched a brow.

  “Yup.”

  She opened her mouth to say something, but shut it again. “Are you excited about your show tomorrow night?” she asked instead.

  “Yeah, Caroline is letting me do one of the routines as a solo.”

  “Oh yeah?” Mel asked.

  “Yeah, I’m sort of nervous about it. I had it in my head as a duet.”

  “You’re going to kill it.” Mel grinned at me.

  “I got all of you front row tickets.”

  “You did? That’s awesome. Thanks, Becca,” Sadie squealed.

  After breakfast, we all split off to go our separate ways. I had back to back classes most of the day and then work before meeting up with Caroline for our last rehearsal. I still felt like I was just going through the motions. Daily life sucked. I didn’t want to go to my classes, or work. The only thing I really wanted to do was dance.

  The whole day seemed to drag by, class after class that I could barely pay attention to. I knew I should care, but I couldn’t seem to make myself. Work was the same, except I had a fake smile on and I had to be nice to people. It seemed like everywhere I looked, I would see Levi. Like we were, for some reason, always in the same place. It was getting worse; each time I saw him, it hurt more. I should never have let myself fall for him. That was my first mistake.

  “ARE YOU READY?” CAROLINE ASKED. She looked bright and happy. The opposite of me. We were backstage getting dressed. We had both decided on all black leotards and tutus. We both had pale skin, so it was a striking contrast.

  “Yeah. Are you nervous?” I asked.

  “Did you see how many people are out there? Of course I’m nervous.”

  I wasn’t nervous; this was the one time I felt alive. “Come on, let’s go take our places behind the curtain.”

  We started the first piece holding hands, so we stood just behind the red curtain with our hands linked. I turned to her. “Let’s kill it.”

  The music began just as the curtain rose. Our bodies moved as one, each step in unison, each twirl in sync. The audience erupted in applause as the song finished and we bowed. The curtain fell again and we prepared for the next few pieces.

  Finally, it was my turn for the solo. “Go knock ‘em dead.” Caroline hugged me tightly.

  I took my place on the stage, my arms held high above me. As the music started, I lost myself to it. I forgot that there was anyone watching and just danced for myself. Dancing was so freeing for me, I didn’t have to pretend to be anything but who I was. I poured every ounce of emotion I had into each twist, each leap.

  When the music ended, I was awed by the applause I received. Everyone in the theater was on their feet clapping. I could see Sadie, Mel, Layla, and Julian in the front row. Julian had his arm around Sadie, and she had tears streaming down her cheeks. In the row behind them, I saw Chad and Ruth clapping for me. I was touched that she would come and bring Chad.

  Caroline joined me onstage and we both took our bows. She hugged me tightly as we exited the stage. “That was amazing! I feel like I can conquer the world right now.”

  Her excitement was refreshing, and for once, I didn’t feel so sad. We had done an amazing job, and we’d worked so hard for it. I was proud of us both.

  “You were awesome out there,” I told her.

  “Thanks. I knew making that last piece a solo was a good bet. I don’t think there was a dry eye in the whole place. I’m really proud of you.”

  I flushed. “Thanks. That really means a lot.”

  “I mean it. You are so talented. I love watching you dance. It’s really an honor to share the stage with you.”

  I didn’t know what to say. “No, it’s me who’s honored. I’ve never in my life had a friend who understood what ballet means to me. You get it. I appreciate you more than I can say.” I pulled her into a hug.

  “Okay, enough mushiness. Let’s go get changed and get out of here,” she said.

  I found Ruth and Chad waiting for me when I came out. Julian and Sadie were off to the side talking with Levi. “You were wonderful, honey.” Ruth hugged me.

  “Thank you for bringing Chad; it means a lot to me.”

  “There’s nowhere else I would rather be. I’ll give you two some time.” She went off to join Levi and Julian.

  “So, you and Levi are done?” Chad asked.

  “Yeah.”

  “Are you okay?”

  “No, but hey, we both know I’ve been through worse.” I smiled. “Tell me about you. How are things going?”

  “Really good. Macie and I are still together. School is awesome. I never thought I would actually enjoy going, but I do.”

  “That’s really great. I’m so happy you’re where you need to be.”

  “Listen,” he said, “Mom called me the other day.”

  “Really? What did she have to say for herself?” I didn’t want to hear it, but I could tell he needed to say it.

  “That she wants me to come home. I shouldn’t be living with strangers, you know, that sort of thing.”

  That pissed me off. She always pulled that crap with Chad. She would treat him with indifference for months, and then he would be her pet for a week. She would dote on him, buy him things, tell him how much she loved and needed him.

  “What did you say?” I asked.

  “I told her to shove it.”

  I laughed. “Did you really?”

  “I did. I’m so sick of her doing this to me.”

  Sometimes I forgot he was only fifteen. He always seemed so much older, probably a product of our circumstances.

  “Don’t worry about her,” I told him. “She can’t get to you ever again.”

  I glanced over at Ruth and found Levi looking back at me. She was saying something to him and he frowned and looked away. Ruth saw me looking and smiled.

  “Is it always going to be weird like this?” Chad asked.

  “What do you mean?”

  “With Levi. I mean I’m sort of part of his family now, and I know I’m going to see him a lot. Should I hate him?”

  “No, Levi is a
good guy. Don’t hate him on my behalf. We just weren’t good together.”

  “That makes no sense; you seemed great together when I saw you guys.”

  “It’s not that simple.”

  “It never is, right?” he said. “Come on, let’s go get something to eat with Ruth. I'm sure she’s dying to tell you about the new project she’s doing in the house.” He grinned and slung his arm around my shoulders.

  Levi walked away as soon as he saw us coming. Part of me was grateful, but the other part of me wished he would have stayed. I was a glutton for punishment.

  “You ready to eat?” Ruth asked.

  She took us out for burgers and fries, and it was absolutely perfect. She peppered me with questions while we ate. “Tell me about what’s been going on with you. How’s school?”

  “Not a lot. Just studying like crazy, and working. Kind of boring.”

  When Chad got up to go to the bathroom, she put her hand on mine. “I know this has been a rough patch for you. I don't know what happened between you and Levi, but know that I’m not taking sides on it.”

  I sighed. I had known this talk was coming. “It wasn’t his fault; it was mine. I couldn't be what he needed.”

  “When you’re young, things always seem worse than they really are. I’m sure, with time, you will figure it out together.”

  “He’s moved on, Ruth.” I looked away.

  “Oh.” I could tell she hadn’t known about her. “I didn’t know.”

  “It’s fine. I’m doing my best to move on from it.”

  “These things take time,” she said.

  “I know. Well, I don't really, but I’m learning that they do.”

  “I’m here if you need me.”

  “Thanks, but it’s a little weird, don't you think? Talking about all of this with you.”

  “No, I don’t think it’s weird. It’s not as though Levi is telling me anything.” She frowned, and I could tell she was referring to him moving on with someone else. Chad came back before I could respond, which was just as well. I didn’t want to talk about it anymore.

  We talked about Ruth’s new project at the house. She was planting a garden out back. “I’m trying to decide if we should get a new greenhouse or renovate the one that’s already there.” She pursed her lips.

  “I don’t think I saw the one that was there.”

  “Oh, it used to be so nice, but it’s in sad shape now. The boys used to love going in there when they were all little.” She smiled wistfully.

  When they dropped me off, Chad hugged me like he was never going to see me again. “You’ll call me?” he asked.

  I instantly felt guilty. I had let my own crap get in the way of my relationship with Chad. “Of course I’ll call you. Be good, okay?”

  Ruth hugged me tight. “Don’t be a stranger.” She kissed both of my cheeks and joined Chad in the car. I waved as they drove away.

  I went inside, and I didn’t cry myself to sleep, for the first time in over a month.

  “BECCA, WAKE UP! BECCA!” SOMEONE was shaking me awake. I opened my eyes to find Ruth standing over me. It had been about a month since I’d last seen her, and I was more than a little surprised to find her in my dorm room in the middle of the night.

  “Ruth?”

  “Honey, something’s happened.” She sat on the edge of my bed.

  My heart dropped. “Chad?”

  “No, not Chad.” She hesitated for a moment. “I don’t know how to say this, your mom died late last night.”

  “What?” I asked.

  “Becca?” Sadie sat up in her bed. Mel was standing in the doorway, a concerned look on her face.

  “Go back to bed, Sadie. Everything’s fine.” I got out of bed.

  “The hell it is. I just heard Ruth tell you your mom is dead. That is the opposite of fine.” She hopped out of bed and flipped the light on, concern painted on her face.

  “Ruth, what happened? Do you know?” I asked, feeling numb. I should have been crying. I had just been told my mom was dead; a normal person would cry. I didn't feel anything at all, though.

  “I’m not really sure,” she said. “The police called us, since we’re Chad’s legal guardians.”

  “Why didn’t they call me?” I asked.

  “The officer I spoke with told me he didn’t have a number listed for you.”

  “Did you tell Chad yet?”

  She shook her head. “I thought I should tell you first, and we could decide the plan of action from there. Are you okay?”

  I nodded. “I need to get dressed, and to make arrangements for us to go home.” I raked my hair into a messy bun as I grabbed some clothes.

  “I’m coming with you,” Sadie announced, already grabbing some luggage from the closet and filling both bags with clothes from our closet.

  “You don’t have to.”

  “Becca, I’m coming. Your mom just died. Whether you had a good relationship or not, this is going to be a lot to deal with.”

  I nodded and turned back to Ruth. “Can we drive into New York with you?”

  “Of course. I already called the airport and told them to get the plane ready. I’ll be going with you as well.” She put her hand on my shoulder before leaving me to change.

  “Thank you,” I whispered to Sadie.

  “Oh, honey, you never have to thank me. I love you and I’m here for you.” She came around the bed and pulled me into a hug. “It’s okay to cry.”

  I shook my head. “No, she doesn’t deserve my tears.”

  How am I going to tell Chad? I knew he would feel guilty that he didn’t run to her when she called him a while ago. My heart broke for him; this would be rough for him. Mel sent us off with fierce hugs and made us promise to call if we needed her.

  Thirty minutes later, we were in the back of Ruth’s limo. She was busy on her phone, making hotel arrangements for all of us. The drive flew by way too fast. I still didn't know what I was going to say to Chad. It was just after 3:00 am, and the house was mostly silent when we arrived. Ruth and Sadie waited for me downstairs.

  When I opened his door, Chad was faced away from me. I could see his chest rising and falling. He looked so peaceful; I hated to wake him up with this news.

  “Chad.” I gently shook him. “Wake up.”

  “Becca?” He opened his eyes slowly. “What’s going on? Why are you here in the middle of the night?”

  “Chad…” I didn’t know how to start. “Something happened to Mom.” He sat up. “I’m not sure how it happened yet, but she died last night.”

  “Mom’s dead?” He looked like he was in shock.

  “I’m so sorry.” I pulled him against me and held him.

  He was crying silent tears, his whole body shaking as I held him. “I should have gone home when she asked me to. Maybe this wouldn’t have happened. I've been so happy here, and she was all alone. She had no one.” He looked up at me, his cheeks stained with tears.

  “Don’t do that. You are not to blame for her being alone. If she had taken care of us like a mom should, she wouldn’t have been by herself. You are not to blame for what happened to her.”

  “She loved us; in her own way, she loved us,” he sobbed.

  I knew he needed to believe that, so I didn’t say anything else. I just held him while he poured it all out. I took him downstairs to get some coffee in him, and Ruth went up and got him packed to leave. Sadie was in the kitchen; she already had two mugs set out for us. She handed one to Chad with a small smile.

  We left an hour later. I fell asleep almost instantly after I made sure Chad was settled.

  “There’s my pretty girls. All dressed up for Christmas. You both are little angels.” My mom stood back and looked at her handiwork. We were going to the Christmas parade, and Frannie and I were so excited. She had dressed us up in matching red dresses.

  “Mommy, will you braid my hair? I want to be pretty like you,” I asked, climbing up in her arms.

  “Of course I will. You want
to look pretty for your Daddy, right?” She set me back in the chair I had been sitting in and started braiding. I wanted to be pretty, just like Mommy.

  “I love you, baby girl.” She hugged me tight

  “What about me?” Frannie asked in her small voice.

  “Of course I love you, Frannie, with all my heart.”

  I woke up with tears streaming down my cheeks. It hadn’t always been bad; I don’t remember what happened to change everything. Something in her shifted, though. Where there was once love, only hate and indifference remained.

  Why didn’t you love me? I asked the mom in my head. I wondered if there was supposed to be this release of emotion now that she was gone. I had spent the better part of my life hating her, and now she was gone and there was no chance of us ever being anything but what we were.

  Ruth came and sat with me. “How are you holding up?”

  “I don’t know how I’m supposed to be feeling. I’ve hated her for so long for all the crap she put us through. Should I be sad that she’s gone?”

  “You feel anything you want to, Becca. You didn’t have parents like most people did. For the most part, you were the parent.”

  “I just had a dream about her, from when Frannie and I were little. She was getting us dressed up for the Christmas parade our town always has. She told me how much she loved me. She did love us once. I just don’t know why she stopped.” I felt the tears leak down my face, but I didn’t wipe them away.

  “Alcohol is a dangerous thing, and so are drugs. They can ruin you, make you into a different person. I know that’s not an excuse for the way she treated you, but it might help you understand her better.”

  “I don’t want to understand her better. I don’t want to feel anything for her,” I sobbed.

  “I’m sorry you have to go through yet another awful thing because of her.” Ruth held me while I unleashed everything I had been holding in.

  We landed and went straight to the hotel. I needed more sleep before I could face the police. Chad and Ruth stayed in a room together, and Sadie bunked with me. As much as I wanted to believe that I didn’t need anyone to help me, I was happy to have her around. Her unwavering support and love gave me the strength that I needed to see all of this through.