“My word, you have been through more in your lifetime than most people see their whole lives. I’m happy you’ve come to see me, and I’m hoping that I can help you release some of what you’ve been holding in. I think we should start with two sessions a week if you can work that into your schedule.”
I knew it would be hard, but I also knew that I needed to take care of myself. I would never move on, or get better, if I didn’t make myself a priority. “I’ll make it work,” I said.
She handed me a card with my appointment times on it and I went out to the waiting room where Levi was. “How did it go? Did you like her?” he asked once we were in the car.
“I did. She didn't say much. I did all of the talking. But I think this is going to be really good for me, and exactly what I need. What we need. I can’t be what you or anyone needs if I’m so broken inside. I know that now, and I’m not going to run from my past.”
“That’s good then. I want you to feel better about all of it, and I've wanted that from the start. I just didn't know how to help you.”
“I didn’t want to be helped. That’s the difference between then and now. I was so used to doing things myself; I couldn’t let anyone in.”
“You have no idea how happy it makes me to hear you say this,” he said. “I never wanted to push you. I’d hoped you would get here, to this place, on your own.”
“Thank you for trusting and loving me enough to let me do it.” I leaned over and kissed him on the cheek.
“I would literally do anything for you. I would go to the ends of the earth, anything to make you happy.”
Later that night, we were tucked into my room on our laptops trying to finish the last of our homework. “Your phone just buzzed.” Levi tossed it to me.
It was a text from Renatta. Becca, I have a line on a teaching job at a small studio in town. Are you interested?
I texted back, What age group? And yes, I’m very interested!
She replied, Two classes, 6-8 year olds and then 9-11 year olds. You would start as soon as you like, and I already told them you would be gone for the summer.
I turned to Levi. “Renatta just got me a teaching job at a ballet studio! Like a real teaching job. I’ll be working with little kids. How awesome is that?”
He gave me a high five. “Will that work with you being in New York for the summer?”
“Yup, all taken care of apparently. I’m going to tell her yes!”
I texted her that I would do it. She replied, Wonderful! I’ll have Gwen give you a call and she can set up your class times. When she asked me, you were the only one who came to mind. I know you’ll do a brilliant job.
Thank you, thank you! I said.
She texted that she would see me at rehearsal. I was far too pumped up to pay attention to my homework anymore. “I can practically hear your brain churning over there,” Levi said.
“Sorry, I’m just so excited. It’s been so long since I got to teach.”
“You taught before?”
“Sure did, back home. Jane gave me a job so I could save for school. It was the only fun I ever had, and the kids were young enough that they weren’t tarnished by their parent’s opinions of my family. It really was the perfect job.”
“Sounds awesome then. Getting paid to do something you love is not a bad deal at all.”
“Nope.” I grinned and pushed his books on the floor.
“Is homework time done then?” He arched a brow.
“I think yes. What are your thoughts?” I crawled across the bed toward him, stopping a foot or so away.
“Hmm, you might have to convince me.” He leaned back and folded his arms across his chest.
“Let’s see what we can do to change your mind.” I slipped my shirt over my head and threw it at him.
“Getting warmer. What else have you got?”
The bra came next, also tossed at his face.
“Like what you see?” I asked, feeling unashamed. He brought something out in me, something I had never felt before. Levi made me feel sexy, wanted.
“Why don't you come over here so I can inspect further?” He looped an arm around my back and pushed me forward. Would I ever get used to this? His kisses? The feel of him against me? I couldn’t ever get enough of him.
“Is that door locked?” He leaned away to check.
“Why? Do you think you’re going to get lucky?” I winked.
“Well, half naked you, plus no roommates, equals me getting some. I don’t hear you complaining about it, though.”
“I think we need to even the score a little, don’t you?” I pulled his shirt over his head.
In a matter of minutes, there was a pile of clothes at the foot of the bed, and the delicious weight of Levi was on me.
“Do you think it will ever stop?” I asked after we were done.
“What?”
“The wanting? The needing? I can't get enough of you. Even right after, I want you again,” I panted.
“I sure as hell hope not.” He crushed his mouth to mine and devoured me.
As we were getting dressed, I couldn’t stop smiling. This is what it was like to be happy.
“What’s that smile about?” he asked.
“Nothing, everything. You. I’m just happy, and I never want to stop feeling like this.”
“I’m happy, too. I keep thinking it shouldn’t be this good, with us, with everything.”
“I know what you mean. But maybe we’ve been through enough, and now we get to just be happy.” I wanted to believe that more than anything.
“I know you have for sure.”
“I meant us as a couple, not necessarily me, but I get what you are saying.”
“I’m going to make it my mission in life to keep that smile on your face.” He kissed me.
“Come on,” I said and tugged him toward the door.
“Where are we going?”
“I need ice cream.”
“You need it?” he asked.
“Yup, I need it.”
We walked hand in hand to the cafeteria, and I felt like I was floating on air. Sadie and Julian were sitting at a table with Mel and some other guys I didn’t know. “Hey guys.” We sat at the table with them. Me with my giant bowl of frozen yogurt, and Levi with his more modest-sized one. He just didn’t appreciate ice cream the way I did.
“What are you guys doing this weekend?” Sadie asked.
“I think we’re going to see Levi’s parents and Chad. Why?”
“Julian and I were planning on going to see his parents too. We should do something fun while we’re all there.”
Mel decided she would come with us, too, after we bullied her into it. But, once she said she would come, she made a list of everything she wanted to see and do while she was there.
“Sheesh, you know we’re only going to be there for like a day and a half, right?” Sadie laughed.
“Well, I guess you all better pack your walking shoes then, huh?” Mel grinned.
I WAS IN THE WAITING room before my second session with my new therapist, and I was slightly nervous. I wasn’t sure what direction she was going to take me in.
“Becca, you can come on back.” She stuck her head out of the door.
I followed her into the office and took my seat on the comfortable leather couch across from her chair. “I’d like to talk about what happened to your sister,” she said. “I think that’s where a lot of your issues stem from.”
“Okay.” My stomach did a little flip. I really hated talking about that night.
“Don’t be nervous. This is a safe place for you.” She said gently.
“I wish I could have saved her.” I looked down at my hands.
“You were a child yourself. There wasn’t anything you could have done. You know that, right?”
“Wasn’t there? I could have made us leave, even though it was raining and cold. I could have found us somewhere.”
“It should never have been your responsibility to do th
at in the first place.”
“I know that, but it didn’t stop it from happening,” I said.
“Tell me about your dad.” She looked up from her notebook.
“What about him?”
“What do you remember about him?”
“I remember how angry he was all the time. I remember the pain, and trying to keep the pain from Frannie and Chad.”
“Why do you think he was angry?” she asked.
“I really have no clue. The drinking? The drugs? Take your pick. It was always worse the more he drank.” My voice had gone soft.
“Could you have stopped him from hitting you?”
“No, he was too strong.”
“So, there was nothing you could do to stop what happened to Frannie was there?” I shook my head. “What you did after it happened, that speaks to how brave you are. Most ten-year-olds would have gone into shock seeing that. But you, you got your little brother to safety and you called for help. You did everything you could do, Becca. There was nothing more.”
Tears slipped down my cheeks.
“It’s okay to cry. It’s okay not to be strong all the time.”
“But Chad...”
“You aren’t his mom. Chad is now with people who will care for him and love him. You can just be his sister. You don’t have to hold the world on your shoulders anymore.”
“What if everything falls apart?” I asked her.
“So what? If it falls apart, you pick up the pieces and move on. Nothing will kill you. If you and your boyfriend break up, will Chad be out on the street?”
“No, of course not.”
“There you go then. You can't worry about what might happen. You need to live your life, and enjoy it.”
“I know that you’re right. It’s just hard to let go of it all.”
“Coming to see me was a big step for you. I’m not saying this is going to be easy, but if you can put in the work with me, it will pay off in the long run. You’ll live a happier life. Okay, we’ll pick this up next time. This week I want you to do one thing that is just for fun, just for you.”
She handed me my appointment card for the next week and I left. I had a lot to think about. Going to New York would be good; I could do my one fun thing while we were there. We were leaving when I got home.
Levi was waiting for me outside of the dorms when I walked up. “How was it?” He pulled me into his arms.
“It was heavy, but good. She gave me a lot to think about. It’s hard to open up all the old wounds, but it’s going to be good for me in the long run. Right now, I just want to go and have fun with all of you this weekend.”
“I think we can manage that,” he said. “The others are waiting inside. We’re all ready to roll.”
“Great, I'm already packed. I’m ready for fun.”
The drive into New York was loud and full of laughter. Mel chattered away about all the things she wanted to see. Sadie and I had gotten her to shorten her list to something more reasonable.
Ruth was waiting with open arms when we stepped through the door after Julian dropped us off. She fussed over me and Mel and told Levi to put our bags in the guest rooms.
“Oh, I see how it is. Now that you have pretty girls in the house, I don’t matter,” he joked.
“Yup, that’s the truth of it. Come on, girls, we’re going shopping.” She pulled her coat on and shoved us back toward the door. I gave Levi an imploring look, but he just smiled and waved.
“Ruth, we just got here,” I protested.
“I know, but I only have a limited amount of time with you, and I want to spoil you.” She turned to Mel. “Now, you’ll have to tell me all about you on the way.”
By the time we got to the shops, Mel and Ruth were best friends. They both loved clothes, so they were in heaven perusing the racks of clothes. Ruth had us try on mountains of clothes and had it all boxed up before I could say a word. Mel couldn’t stop smiling the whole time.
“This is the best time I have ever had. Ruth, you are the best, thank you so much!”
“I have all boys. I need my girl time when I can get it. Becca puts up with me, don’t you??”
“I’m not a shopper, but I love spending time with you.” I squeezed her hand.
Levi and Chad were playing video games when we came back. “Hey.” Chad looked up briefly before returning to the game.
“No love for your sister? I laughed.
“I’ll hug you after the game.” He shooed me away.
We went to go help Ruth with dinner instead of watching the boys play. Samuel came home just as we were setting dinner on the table. “Becca!” He pulled me into a fierce hug. “So good to see you.”
“You, too. This is my roommate, Mel.”
Ruth went off to yell for the boys so we could all eat together. Mel was like one of the family, but I wasn't surprised by that. She had such an easy way about her.
I didn’t get a chance to talk to Chad alone until right before bedtime. “So, how are things?” I asked as I leaned against his door frame.
“I don’t know. Okay, I guess. Better than they were before.” He gave me a weak smile.
“Are you talking to anyone yet?” I knew he got what I meant.
“Yeah, Ruth got me seeing some guy a few days a week after school.”
“What do you think of him?”
“So far I like him. He doesn’t make me say anything I’m not ready to talk about.”
“I’m seeing someone, too,” I told him.
“You are? Why are you seeing someone?” He looked surprised.
“We had an unconventional childhood. I’m messed up from it. I’m sick of being messed up.”
He nodded. If anyone could understand, it would be him. “It will get better, right?” He looked hopeful.
“Yeah, it’ll get better. We just have to dig out all the crap we’ve been hauling around with us.”
He gave me the first genuine smile I had seen from him since before our mom died. “I love you, you know.”
“I do.” I kissed his cheek and left him to get ready for bed.
The next day, Mel was raring to go as soon as the sun came up. Our first stop was to pick meet up with Julian and Sadie. “Too early to be out,” Sadie grumbled as they piled into the limo with us.
“Um, yeah it is. Talk to Miss Excitement over there about that.” I jerked my thumb in Mel’s direction. She had her face pressed to the window, looking at everything. It was hard to stay mad when she looked so entranced.
“Where are we going first?” Julian asked.
“Helicopter tour!” Mel screamed. “This is the perfect time. The light will be beautiful. Ruth booked it for us yesterday.”
She was right; it was really something to see. The morning light filtered through all the buildings and people scurried around below. I held Levi’s hand and just enjoyed the moment.
The rest of the day was spent running from one thing to the next. Mel dragged us onto one of those double decker bus tours that took us all around the city. I was actually really happy to be on it, because we weren’t walking anymore and I could rest my poor feet.
Chad met up with us for lunch. We took Mel for pizza, because she said it wouldn’t be a trip to New York without pizza. I was surprised to see Chad walk up with a pretty girl with blonde hair and green eyes. She smiled nervously as they came towards us, and Chad put his arm around her.
“Hey.” He smiled. “Becca, this is my girlfriend, Macie.”
“It’s so nice to meet you,” she said. “Chad has told me so much about you.” She held her hand out to me.
“You as well. Anyone who can make Chad smile like that is welcome in my book.” Instead of shaking her hand, I pulled her into a hug. Chad grinned at me. I could tell he had been nervous about all of us meeting.
We spent the rest of the day sightseeing with them; they took us to all of their favorite places. It was seriously the most fun I’d had in a long time.
I GOT TO THE STUDIO an
hour early. I was too excited about teaching my first classes. I was actually surprised at how big it was. They had four huge rooms, so multiple classes could be going on at once. I was used to Jane’s studio back home, which was just the one big room. Gwen and I were in her office, going over some specifics about the job.
“We like to have a few recitals a year. I normally leave it up to each teacher to decide what their class will perform. Occasionally we do a big group performance, but for the past few years, it’s just been the individual classes. I just have to say, I’ve been to see you dance twice, and you took my breath away. When Renatta told me you would be interested in teaching, I jumped at the chance to get you.”
“That is really sweet of you,” I said. “I truly love to dance, and I’m so excited to be teaching again. It’s been almost a year since I had a class. I taught a lot back home before I started college.”
“I didn’t want to heap too much on you. We can see how it goes for a few months, and if you want, you can add more classes.” I nodded, eager to please her, and dying to get into my room in the studio. “Okay, I’ll let you get settled in. You are in room two. Only one other instructor uses that room, and only once a week, so it will pretty much be yours.”
“Thanks so much.” I grabbed my bag and headed to room two. My first class would begin in thirty minutes, and it was the older group of students. I grabbed my pointe shoes out of my bag and decided to get a bit of practice in before they started showing up.
I turned on my music and warmed up at the barre for a few minutes before launching into the spring show routine. I felt the joy in the piece. The music was sunny and happy. The steps were all light and free. I was a leaf being blown by a soft breeze, a flower blooming. With each leap, I flew higher, each pirouette was smooth as silk.
When the music ended, I saw that I had an audience of parents and students in stunned silence. The erupted into applause and I took my bow. “Hello everyone. I’m Becca Langer, and I’m your new teacher.” I shook hands with all the parents and answered questions about how long I had been dancing, and what my plans were for the class.
The girls all looked at me with reverence as I instructed them to take their places at the barre. “Every class will start with twenty minutes at the barre, and then we will move onto our routines or whatever I decide we will be working on.”
The Harder I Fall Page 18
