True to my word, we spent twenty minutes in the warm-up. I walked the rows, making corrections where I saw fit.
“Okay, girls, why don’t you show me what you can do now? Who wants to go first?”
A few girls raised their hands, so I had everyone form a line. One by one, the girls went through and showed me exactly what they could do. There were one or two standouts, but everyone for sure had something to work on.
“You ladies are beautiful dancers, and I’m really excited to be able to work with you from now on. Do you have any questions for me?” I asked.
That did it; they opened the floodgates and peppered me with questions. How long had I been dancing, how many hours a day did I rehearse, how many shows had I done, etc.
By the time the last student left, I was tired, but I couldn’t stop smiling.
“Looks like it was a success.” Gwen stood in the doorway.
“Yeah, I think it was. The girls were wonderful. I’m looking forward to seeing them blossom.”
“I plan on using you as much as I can while you’re here.”
“Use away.” I grinned and gathered up my stuff.
Levi was waiting for me outside, leaning against his car. Sometimes I forgot how hot he was, all long and full of muscle.
“Hey baby.” I grinned at him.
“Hey. teach, how was your first class?”
“So good!” I tossed my bag and launched myself into his arms. “I feel amazing right now.”
He brushed his lips against mine and hugged me tight. “We should probably not make out in front of your new job, huh?”
“Oh, yeah.” I giggled. “You’re right. We can make out at home.”
He picked up my bag and opened the door for me. “Where to?”
“Food? Or whatever. I’m up for anything.”
Anything turned into dinner and a movie. It was some action flick I could barely remember as we didn't watch much of it. We whispered and kissed, his arm around me the whole time. It felt nice to just be with him.
When he dropped me at my door, I wanted to ask him in, but the sounds of girls laughing kept me from doing it. “It sounds like a party in there.” I could hear a trace of regret in his voice. He had thought of more as well.
“Yup. Another night.” I kissed him with enough fire behind it to be sure he dreamed of only me.
“You are not playing fair with that one.” He raked a hand through his hair.
“No fun in playing fair.” I kissed him again, wrapping myself around him.
“Damn it, Becca.” He tugged my head back and kissed his way up my neck before biting at my lower lip.
“Is Julian home tonight?” I panted. Another night was not going to work for me, either.
“Yeah, he and a bunch of guys were in for the night, studying.” He huffed out a breath but didn't release his hold on my waist.
“I really should go, before this gets worse for both of us.” My lips rubbed against his.
“So go. No one’s stopping you.” He kissed along the hollow of my throat.
“I’m going.” I tugged his mouth back up to mine.
“I don’t see you moving.” He tightened his hold on my waist.
“I think I’m happy where I am,” I sighed.
He rested his forehead against mine. “Okay, I’m really going to go now.” He gave me one last kiss and let me go.
“I’ll see you tomorrow. Dream of me.” I blew him a kiss and opened the door.
“When do I not?” He waved and walked away, shaking his head.
“Was that Levi I heard with you?” Sadie asked.
“Yeah.”
“Why didn’t he come in?”
I gestured to the four other girls lounging on the couch with popcorn and candy. “Little too much estrogen, I think.”
She laughed. “Probably so. Want to join us for the last movie? We rented Magic Mike.” I gave her a look that clearly said I had no clue why I should care about it. “Really, Becca? It’s that one about the male strippers. Lots of hotties in it.”
I felt my cheeks flush. Out of the frying pan and into the fire, it would seem.
“Go on, change into your comfy clothes and come out.” She gave me a shove toward our door.
I came out just as the opening credits started, and all the girls started laughing and shouting as the hot guys danced around on screen. I don’t think my cheeks have ever been so red as they were for the rest of the night.
“WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY, BECCA?” Charlene, my therapist, asked me.
“Ballet.”
“What do you think it is about it that you love?”
“I don’t know that there is any one answer to that.”
“Then tell me why you started dancing to begin with.”
“To forget. To feel free for once. There was no judgment in dancing for me. It was the one place I felt safe. Sure, the other girls were sometimes mean, but the dancing never was. And I was good at it. From the start, I was good. I had never experienced anything like that; getting praised was new to me.”
“How do you feel when you dance?”
“Amazing. Like nothing ever could touch me. I feel free.”
“Why do you think ‘free’ is the word you chose?” she asked.
“Because I’m fully open when I dance. I don’t leave any part of me closed off. I’m free because I don't think about anything but the movements. Even the pain is sometimes welcome, or it was, when I was at my worst. The pain of dancing for hours and hours a day; it let me know I was still alive.”
She nodded and wrote in her notebook. “Do you still feel that way? That only pain can make you feel alive?”
“No, not at all. This year has changed me so much. It’s like I was always watching life through a window, and someone finally opened it up and let me come inside. Levi and Sadie, they pulled me out. I wasn’t willing to let go of everything, and I certainly didn’t want to let anyone in, to let anyone know about my past. They both showed me love. Unconditionally, they loved me.”
“So, you’ve found a new kind of family then?”
“I think you could say that, although I never thought that until now. But yeah. Sadie, Levi, Julian… they all are like my family now.”
“Do you still feel the same when you dance?
“Yes, but not for the same reasons anymore. I just love it. I know it was what I'm meant to do.”
“So now you dance for pleasure as much as to hone your craft?”
“Yeah. I know I’ll never stop practicing, wanting to get better. My dreams keep getting bigger. I won’t stop until I reach them.”
“You sound very driven,” she observed.
“I am. When I first left home, it was hard, because I knew I was leaving Chad behind. But I knew I needed to make a better life for him, for us. I needed to get us out of there.”
“That’s an admirable goal. But now, you know Chad is taken care of. Now you can decide what it is that Becca really wants.”
“I know what I want. It’s the same thing I always wanted. To dance with a big ballet company. Now, I won't have to feel guilty about wanting it, though. Before, I knew the dream was just that, a dream. I would have to get a good degree in something and support us. But now, now the sky's the limit.”
“I’m impressed with your optimism. Given your past, it’s wonderful. Have you thought of what you would do after your career is over?”
“I’ll teach, open my own studio, and help the new crop of talent reach their dreams.”
She switched topics next, catching me off balance. “Have you spoken to your father since everything happened?”
“What? No, I haven’t, and I never plan to.”
“I just wondered, since your mom obviously still loved him very much, if you had gone with her to visit him.”
“Oh, we went, but I never spoke to him. I waited for her in the car, or I sat against the wall. I hate him too much. I just hate him. There is no redeeming what he did. I’ll never forgive him.�
��
“If you could say one thing to him, what would it be?” She set her pen down and looked me in the eye.
I sat for a moment, thinking. There were so many things I would say to him. “I hate you for what you did.”
“Do you feel better for saying it?”
“No. I really don’t,” I admitted.
“Did you think you would?” She picked her pen up again and made notes.
“I don’t know. It’s what I’ve thought all this time. I do. I hate him. I hate what they did to us. Parents are supposed to love their children, not hurt them. How could they do that? How could he? Why did she blame me for what he did?” Tears fell faster than I could wipe them away.
“It’s okay to hate him. You were put in a situation that never should have taken place. Parents are supposed to take care of their children, not hurt and neglect them. It’s a valid thing for you to have bad feelings toward them. You may eventually get to a place in your healing journey where you can let go of all of the pain and get past it, but I don't think that time is now. And I don’t fault you for being bitter. I want for you to start acting more your age, though. That is the area we should work on for a week or so. I want you to not worry about paying bills, or Chad, or anything more pressing than your classes. Go out, do fun things, just be young. Can you do that?” she asked.
“I can try. I’m a worrier by nature.”
“That’s all I can ask for. Okay, our time is up for today. Think about what I said before our next session.”
I left the office feeling raw; she had dug at things I wanted to keep buried. But I knew it would be good in the long run. I hated talking about my dad, hated remembering what he was like.
I had time to kill before my six-year-old class started, so I stopped by the dance shop Ruth had gotten me the gift card to. The small store was filled with leotards and tights in every color imaginable, and there was a wall with ballet shoes, as well as tap and jazz shoes. I grabbed a new black leotard and some pink tights, and took them up to register. I bought them because I wanted them. I had never purchased something not out of necessity. I felt a giddy sort of thrill as I pulled out my debit card and handed it to the woman.
I was going to try my hardest to not worry and to just be my own age. Charlene was right; I wasn't Chad’s mom. He was in a good home, being taken care of. That knowledge wasn't going to just erase a lifetime of learned behavior, though. Chad had needed a mom, so that’s what I became.
As I walked to the studio, I tried to think of ways I could let go of my worry. It wasn’t like I wanted to keep living the way I had been for so long; it was just hard to stop.
Teaching was probably the most fun I had had in a long time. The younger students were so adorable in their little tutus with their ballet slippers on. I started to work with them on positions for the first half, and then I paired them off and had them do leaps across the floor.
“Miss Becca?” A little blonde girl tugged at my hand.
“Yes, honey?” I knelt down.
“Will you dance for us? My sissy said she saw you dance, and that you were like a fairy princess.” She smiled shyly.
“Of course I will.” I smiled and gathered the girls to one side of the room.
I put on some music and just danced for fun, no routine in mind, letting the music take me where it would. The little girls oohed and aaahed as I twirled on my toes, and I leapt across the room. They were enraptured, their little eyes glued to my every move.
Toward the end of the song, I had them join me on the floor and we all danced together. After class, I waited around for all of the parents to come, and chatted with Gwen. “The little ones are cute in their ballet slippers, aren’t they?” she asked.
“Totally adorable. I can tell I’m going to have a lot of fun working with them.”
“Do you know how long you’ll be in New York this summer?”
“The whole time. My boyfriend’s family is wanting me to spend the rest of my time there.”
“Did Renatta tell you I went to a few session of the Summer Intensive program at the Joffrey?” she asked.
I cocked my head and smiled. “No, she didn't tell me that.”
“It’s where we met, so many years ago. That’s what you’ll find, girls who will be friends for life.” She sighed wistfully. “To be young again.” Levi knocked on the glass door and waved. “Looks like your hunky ride is here.”
I blushed.
“People don’t really say hunky anymore, do they?” She laughed.
“No, not really.”
“Must be a generational thing then. You go on and enjoy your night. I’ll see you next week at your show.”
I waved and walked out to meet Levi. I couldn’t believe that it was already May. I had the last show of the year, and then, another few weeks after that, it would be summer. Life had changed so much in a year.
“How was your session, and class?” He grabbed my bag and slung an arm around my shoulders.
“The session was hard. She opened a wound I would have preferred to stay closed.”
“Are you okay?”
“I am. I knew she was going to go there sooner or later.”
“Do you want to talk about it?” He looked concerned.
“I don’t know. She made some valid points. She told me I need to start acting more my age. My homework is to do more fun things, and to worry less.”
“I think those are great suggestions. And I’ll help you with that by making you do said fun things.” He dropped a kiss on my forehead.
“It’s not the doing fun things; it’s the not worrying about the future. I’m a worrier from way back, so breaking the habit is going to take some time.”
“But you agree that she’s right, don’t you?” he asked.
“Of course I do. I want to be normal; I want to just have fun. I’m a work in progress.”
“I love you however you are. Broken, fixed, empty, whole. I love you, all of you.” He dropped the bag and took me in his arms. The kiss took me by surprise, and the heat behind it stole my breath.
SCHOOL WAS WINDING DOWN. I had finals to study for, papers due, and rehearsals up the wazoo. Not to mention fitting in my therapy twice a week, and the ballet classes. I was back to being busy beyond all belief.
Sadie and I were studying in the library. “Do not let me stay longer than twenty more minutes,” I said. “I should be on the road now, but I have to finish this.” I shoved a pen in my bun and bent back over the keyboard. She made a noise to say she had heard me but never looked up. Twenty minutes turned into thirty-five before I was running out to the car.
Levi was behind the wheel with a magazine in front of him. “I was about to come looking for you.”
“I know, I know. I’m sorry. I’m freaking out right now. I don't have the time to be going to therapy or to teach. Why did I agree to all of this?”
“Whoa, calm down. You do have time. You planned it all out, remember? After therapy and teaching, we are studying until bedtime.”
I tried to steady my breathing and stop the panic attack that was threatening to unleash itself. Sometimes it felt like the world was spinning faster and faster, and I would never be able to keep up.
Charlene remarked on my stress level when I got into the session. “What’s got you so worked up?”
“Life. I feel like I have taken on too much, that I’ll never finish everything in time.”
“What has changed since our last session?”
“Nothing really, except we have finals coming up, and I have some papers due.”
“This is normal. College is hard. You’ve learned to juggle your responsibilities, and now you need to learn how to let go of the fear of failing. What’s the worst that would happen if something didn’t get done to your standards?” she asked.
“I’ve never done something that didn’t meet my standards.”
“Never?”
“Not once.”
“So, you’ve probably allotted enough
time for everything, right?”
“I have.”
“Then why are you stressing out? There’s nothing you can accomplish by making yourself get upset over this, am I right?” She was right; of course she was. Sometimes it was hard for me to think rationally. “Stress is a trigger for you. It makes you feel out of control, wouldn’t you agree?”
I nodded. She had hit the nail on the head. Stress made me panic, and then lose sight of everything else.
“How do you think you can combat that?” she asked.
“I don't know.”
“What I would like you to start doing when you feel out of control, and that everything is falling apart, is just to focus on one task at a time. You get overwhelmed when you try and do everything at once.”
“I can try,” I said.
“That’s all I'm asking for. I want to see you taking the steps toward being an emotionally healthy adult. You’ve already come so far.”
“I just get scared sometimes, that everything will disappear.”
“When you say everything, what do you mean?”
“School, my dreams, Levi. If I don’t work hard enough, I’ll fail.”
“Fear of failure is normal in all of us, but the thing you have to be careful of is letting that fear cripple you.”
“It’s hard for me to loosen my grip. I don’t know how to. I want to be different. Everything in me is screaming for change, but I’m so scared to let go.”
“That’s part of life, Becca. Sometimes we have to let go and just let ourselves fall. I’m not saying that you should stop studying, or ballet. But you need to find a balance. You need to be happy, and above everything else, you need to feel secure and healthy.”
On the walk from Charlene’s office to the ballet studio for my last class until the fall, I couldn’t stop thinking about what she had said. Could I do it? Could I let go? Fear was a powerful thing; it had propelled me through my life up until now. First, I was afraid of my father, then came the hunger, and the need for security. The fear had given birth to my dreams, for a better life for Chad and me. He already had a better life, but was I willing to let myself have one as well?
The Harder I Fall Page 19
