by Nicky Shanks
I find my phone on the counter where the three empty bottles of wine sit. I shake my head at the reminders of our drunken conversations last night. I pick them up and toss them into the recycling bin. Nora has been texting me all night. She knew I was coming to his house and she didn’t like it.
Nora: Remember the break-up rules I told you about.
Nora: The first and most important rule is…what, Julie?
Nora: Never let them into your heart again, that’s rule number one.
She’s right. These are rules that I can’t afford to break again. I want to trust her advice, I really do. She spoke to me after the cabin fiasco—she begged me to believe her that she didn’t know about Heather’s games. I believe her when she says that—I want to believe that someone couldn’t be that manipulative.
Except Heather. She’s way past the psycho level of manipulative.
I sigh and put my phone down. I open the cabinets and fridge, but the only edible things I can find are some eggs, milk, and pancake mix. When I find the utensils I need, I start to feel something weird. I feel like I belong here. I shake the thought from my head quickly.
I start to scramble the eggs as I move my body to a seductive song in my head. My hips sway side to side with grace because I feel so alive and free. I see an open bag of chocolate chips on the counter so I pop a few in my mouth, then into the pancake batter, while I cook the small breakfast and dance around the cold kitchen.
Nora is going to be so upset with me when she finds out I couldn’t even get through one face-to-face with him before breaking the first rule.
Oliver walks into the kitchen and raises his eyebrows at what he sees; he scares the crap out of me in the process. His tight blue boxer briefs tug and accentuate everything they are supposed to as he saunters toward me. His warm, lean body brushes past mine to start the coffee in the machine. I have to take a deep breath and blow it out gently, my eyes closed as I let it free. Oliver pushes hair behind my ear and kisses my forehead. My eyes pop back open and I can feel myself blush.
“Good morning, sunshine.” He smiles and shakes his tousled hair to the side of his head. “How did you sleep?”
“Fine,” I quickly say and flash a brief smile. “What’s with the nickname?”
Oliver doesn’t miss a beat. “You fill my head with sunshine.”
“Oh, okay,” I gurgle unexpectedly. “I scraped together a breakfast.”
“Eggs and chocolate chip pancakes?” His voice is filled with delight but then his lips turn into a frown. “Wait a second.” His palm finds the curve of my hip and squeezes. I can feel the burn where his skin touches mine; it burns me to my very core. While he presses against me, he makes my body lean back into the counter. He leans over and opens the freezer door with no effort. He takes out a carton of chocolate chip ice cream and his electric green eyes are glued onto mine. “Now it’s perfect.”
I take the tub from him and set it on the counter. I have to catch my breath before I pass out and ruin the moment. Hot air is stuck in the back of my throat, aching to be released. The room spins and I don’t know if my feet are even on the floor anymore. I can hear a drawer open and silverware clinking together as he lowers his gaze to mine. “Hey, you still with me?” his silky voice says and I shiver. He’s just gliding right past those walls I’ve spent the last three weeks rebuilding, isn’t he? “Close your eyes, sunshine.”
I do what he asks of me without hesitation. I can feel every tremble his body makes each time he touches my skin. He stays silent as he pulls my hips into his and slides one arm behind my back. Steadying me with his free hand, he parts my lips with a cold mass of ice cream.
I nearly lose control of my entire body, mind and soul.
My eyes flick open and he takes a bite for himself, grinning at me around the spoon.
Oh. My. God. I can’t take much more of this…
I let him feed me another bite, and as the cold travels down my throat, I can’t stop my body from leaning into him and meeting his lips halfway into a kiss. Our lips are sticky as he takes control of mine but I don’t care—it’s amazing either way.
“Sorry,” he says and parts from me. “I know we’re taking it slow.”
“I can’t control myself either,” I say to him. “How are we gonna do this, Oliver?” I realize how relaxed he’s gotten when I say this; it looks like a huge weight has been lifted off his shoulders and floated away into the North Rockford sky. His face crinkles into a thoughtful mess and he pulls himself away from me in frustration. “Did I do something wrong?” I ask him, placing eggs and pancakes on the plates.
Oliver shakes his head and rubs his square jawline. “I’m just confused…I thought you needed to take it slow, but you clearly aren’t worried about that anymore.” He smiles and slides his arm behind my waist, keeping a tight grip on me. “I mean, I’m not complaining about being able to kiss you, but it’s just…really confusing.”
“I know, I’m sorry.” There is so much remorse in my voice that it bounces off the walls and doubles back to me. “I keep trying to tell you it won’t work, but you keep sucking me back in with how adorable you are.” I watch his smile grow bigger. His perfectly lined, white teeth blind me. “Stop smiling, it’s not funny!” I slap his arm playfully. He catches me and squeezes me into a bear hug, nuzzling my hair with his nose. “Oliver, it isn’t funny!”
He laughs and lets me go. Separating from my body, he keeps looking at the plates on the counter. “Let’s eat this wonderful breakfast together, okay? Let’s just eat and not worry about other shit right now.” I watch as he places the two plates side by side on the breakfast bar, patting the seat next to him.
“After breakfast you should take me home so I can get ready to leave tonight.” His face brightens; he’s completely surprised and smiles wide. “Did you think I’d forgotten?” I laugh when he takes my hand and kisses my palm. He’s nearly jumping for joy.
“I thought you were scared or you changed your mind,” he says in excitement. “We talked about a lot of shit last night; I didn’t scare you away?”
I shake my head. My hair falls around my face with the force of my disagreement. “No way. I like talking to you. I hardly think wanting to open a bar with Casey is a bad thing, right?” I wink at him without meaning to.
“Julie…” I can feel that he’s about to ruin everything. “What we had was…magic. It’s been hell without you, you know that.”
“I told you I would give you another week.” I think about Clyde leaving for school soon and frown. “Let’s just worry about ourselves for a week, okay? A week of selfishness.”
That’s the biggest smile I’ve ever seen on his face.
Randy will be furious with me for spending another week at the cabin, but I don’t care enough to let it stop me from going. He’ll always want to tell me what to do and how to feel; I don’t think he would ever try to physically stop me from leaving, though. He hates Oliver, but he isn’t going to make a scene and that I am thankful for.
When we’re dressed, Oliver leads me back out into the elevator and pushes the button for us to go down. He’s changed into jeans; his soft gray pull-over peeks out from beneath his black motorcycle jacket. I wait a few seconds before he catches me looking. He leans over and caresses my lips with his thumb, then parts them with his. The kiss is so deep that it makes my head spin, so I can’t get off the elevator without wobbling a little bit.
“Are you nervous about going with me?” he asks once we get on the freeway. “If you have any second thoughts, I won’t be upset.”
I snort. “Yes, you will.”
“Okay, you’re right, I will.” He laughs and gets off the freeway, slowing down once we get into the neighborhoods. “But I will understand. I don’t want you to be uncomfortable.” We pull up to the pool house and he parks. Randy should be at work and Clyde texted me to ask if he could stay at a friend’s house. So, the house is hopefully empty and no one is peering down on us like spies.
I lean
over to his side of the car and kiss him. He runs his hand down my side and squeezes, making electric jolts run though my legs. I gasp loudly. “I better get inside,” I say and open my door. Stepping out, I almost run toward the house. “Pick me up at three?” I say, and he nods before pulling off in the Jeep.
I shut the door to the pool house behind me. I blow out whatever air was in my lungs and double over; I’m trying to catch my breath and stop my head from spinning. I know I only have a small amount of time to pack. I race upstairs and open a suitcase, throwing items inside. I manage to run a hairbrush through my tangled mess of hair, thanks to Oliver and his death grip on it when he kisses me. I take a fresh pair of jeans and a red tank top into the bathroom and dress myself. I add fresh makeup to my face, but none of it takes away the panic in my eyes. I am going up there alone with him. I shake my head and try to fix my mind onto something else.
I should tell someone where I’m going.
I hear someone behind me. “Can I ask where are you planning on going with all of that?”
Randy.
I turn to face him but he already knows. “Oliver and I are going back to the cabin up at Lake Reed for another week.”
“What about your classes?” He crosses his arms over his chest. “I thought you had some starting this week.”
I shake my head. “No, they start in ten days. Are you checking up on me?”
He shakes his head and sits down in my purple armchair. He crosses his legs and stares at me as if he has more to say. “I’m just checking up on your head, not your actions.” He frowns and looks at the suitcases on the bed. “I thought you told me that Oliver left you?”
“That’s right,” I say, unsure of what my voice sounds like to him. “Why?”
“Well…” He draws out his words while I try to figure out what his end game is. “Mr. Jackson told me different.”
“Oh, he did, did he?” I scoff. “Well, I’m not sure he would be so willing to tell a cop the truth about anything.”
Randy sighs; he looks up at me with sadness in his eyes. “You want to know what I think?”
“No.”
“Too bad, I have every right to tell you.” He doesn’t wait for me to respond. “I think that after what Brandon did to you, no matter who comes along, you’ll push them away before they can hurt you. Why would Oliver come back if he didn’t love you?”
Oliver has pulled up right on time. I don’t answer Randy as I gather my things, leaving him behind. Oliver is already making his way toward the pool house door when I throw it open and hand him my stuff.
“Let’s go,” I mutter and he looks confused. “I don’t want to talk about it, let’s just go.” I shut the front door before he can even sneak a peek inside. He doesn’t press it and places my suitcases in the back of the Jeep—with grace, this time—and lets me get into the car by myself. He joins me and allows me a little silence as we weave our way back toward the freeway for the second time in two days.
He opens his mouth but I beat him to it. “My brother hates you—he thinks you left me at the cabin alone and you were just playing with my head.”
“I know.”
My jaw drops. “You do?”
He nods. The car pulls off onto a smaller highway and we begin our journey together. “He told me last night. It’s okay though, I get it.” He takes my hand, smiling. “I don’t care what he thinks about me…it only matters what you think about me.”
I smile. “Well, I do think rather highly of you.”
“I think rather highly of myself too, so we have that in common.” He laughs. His grip tightens on my hand. My stomach grumbles and I feel sick—the motions of the car are sending me waves of nausea. I try to breathe in and out slowly to make it stop. I manage to get through an hour before I just have to stop and throw up. “Can we stop at the next gas station?” I ask him and a goofy grin spreads across his face.
“What?” I demand, my arms crossed over my chest. “Is that funny or something?”
He shakes his head. “Nope.”
I don’t bother looking at him as I rush out of the Jeep. In the gas station, I ask the clerk where the bathroom is and barely make it inside. It seems like forever until I’m able to pick myself back up and check my clothes for vomit. I wash my face and rinse out my mouth. The walk back to the Jeep is dreadful; it gets worse when I see his face twisted in laughter.
“Are you okay?” he asks, making sure not to look into my eyes.
“I feel better, and we’re almost there.”
Oliver nearly chokes. “We’re almost there.”
***
“Julie?”
Brandon’s voice booms through our small, studio apartment. Before he even opens the door, I can feel the fear stir in my stomach. I sit on the bed with several college brochures littered in front of me. I quickly try to hide them before he comes in the door, but he sees them almost instantly.
“I thought you threw those away?”
My eyes don’t meet his when he speaks to me. “I did, but then my brother picked up more and peddled them off on me.”
Brandon’s eyes are dark for a few seconds. He hates my brother and the feeling is mutual for Randy too. He takes a minute to remember that he came bursting into the apartment to tell me something important.
“We got the apartment, the one on Godwin Place.”
I leap off the bed and he catches me. We spin in place as he finds my lips and kisses me. “See, I told you good things were coming to us. I got that job at the law firm and now we get this apartment.” His chest swells with pride. “We should celebrate.”
“Yes! I’ll get that bottle of wine my brother got me for my birthday.” I squeal, grab the bottle from the fridge, and pop the cork toward him. “We don’t have any wine glasses; we can use coffee mugs if you want.” He starts to laugh. He holds out his hands for the mug.
“That’s perfect,” he says. He watches me pour the wine into two coffee mugs, then I hand him one and we clink them together. “This is to us. We’ve stuck together through a lot of bad times before things got better for us. I love you, Jules. I can’t wait to spend the rest of my life with you.”
We both drink the wine and revel in the moment.
“So, now that we have all of this good karma—will you marry me, yet?”
I knew that’s where he was going to take this.
“Brandon, I’m still not ready,” I say. He takes my hand into his, squeezing it a little too hard. I’m only twenty; I’m not ready to take that leap yet. I’m really not ready to take that leap with him, either.
“Just promise me that you won’t ever leave me and I can wait for you, Jules. You’re mine, you’ll always be mine. Always.”
Always.
Chapter Eighteen
Oliver
The cabin.
A month ago, it felt different to see it. Last time I was frustrated because I wanted her. Now, I’m frustrated because I’m trying so hard to keep her. I can feel hope everywhere in the air as I pull up to the house.
It feels like I’m coming home with her.
“You go inside and I’ll bring everything in.” I kiss her hand. “I have a surprise for you.” She squeals with excitement.
The cabin’s caretaker wasn’t answering my phone calls, so I resorted to a more humiliating option: I begged for some help from the Lake Reed Inn. I hope that Madrie and Paul did everything I asked for. I managed to contact them before picking Julie up, and somehow I persuaded the two of them to help get the cabin ready again. After Madrie cursed at me in another language, Paul agreed and I felt comfortable asking for another favor: to convert my grandfather’s study into a library for her.
Golden chaise and all.
I smile as she disappears into the house. I wonder if she’ll be drawn to her space and come back to thank me. Once I get all the luggage into the foyer, I hear her shuffling around upstairs. Her light footsteps beckon me toward our bedroom. “Hey, you.” She smiles when I walk into the room and
she lights a fireplace match, throwing it into the opening. “It’s a little chilly in here—is this okay?”
“Of course it is.” My hands wave in the air. “What’s mine is yours, you know that. You don’t have to ask me for anything; I’ll give you whatever you want.”
Julie giggles. “That’s a little…much.”
“Nothing is too much when it comes to you. I want to make you happy.”
Her eyes look like crystal blue gems. I want to reach out and touch her skin so bad it shakes my fingers. “It’s almost fall; the leaves will be changing soon.” There’s magic in her voice. I think about her snuggled up in her chaise, book in hand and raging fire in the fireplace as the snow falls outside and covers the forest in white.
You gotta stop doing this. Calm down and be a normal person.
“We should come back when the snow falls,” I say, and she gets lost in thought. She walks around the living room and smiles. Her smile creeps across her lips in slow motion; she bites her cheek when she catches me staring at her.
“Groceries?” My voice cracks and I try to keep my cool. Food shopping wasn’t one of the items on Paul and Madrie’s task list; I wanted Julie and I to do that together. It’s my way of reliving our first day together, pathetic as it was. Julie wants roses and romance, so I’m going to give her what she wants. I grab her hand and throw her over my shoulder. This time she’s squealing with delight as opposed to last time when she kicked me in my abs.
“Oliver Jackson!” She laughs and swats my ass. “Put me down!”
“No. Freaking. Way.” I dodge her flailing arms and duck through the front door. I jog to the Jeep and I can feel her thighs bounce beneath my hands. The nearest grocery store is ten miles away, but she didn’t seem to mind. She rolls down the window and holds her hand outside, surfing the windy waves with her petite fingers. I can feel her calmness as she twirls her hair around her index finger and looks over at me. She smiles like she knows something I don’t.
