Julian & Lia

by Maria Monroe

  After a few minutes I hear someone inside shuffling to the door, muttering, "What the heck? It's early?" and there's Vanessa, throwing the door open and squinting at me. She’s got a silky robe with peacock designs on it tied around her, and her hair is messy. "Lia," she says, motioning for me to enter. "Is everything OK? What are you doing here so early?"

  "I'm sorry," I say, handing her a cup of coffee. "Does this make me being here early a bit better?"

  "Just a little bit," she mutters, but she's smiling, and I go in, kick off my shoes, and curl up onto the couch with my legs under me. Vanessa sits down next to me, holding her coffee in both hands. "What's going on, Lia? Is everything OK with Julian?"

  "Yeah. Everything's great with him. Everything's really great."

  "Then what?"

  "OK. I need to ask you about something, and I know you might be, maybe, sworn to secrecy or something, but I have to know."

  "Oh god, Lia, please don't ask my anything about Julian's private life. I wouldn't know and don't want to know." She puts up her hand as if to signify being grossed out.

  "No, it's not private. Not like that at least. I just . . . OK, so he keeps telling me about this job he's been offered in Portland. And it sounds great. But Pete told me at the awards ceremony that there's another job in New York, like a really amazing one."

  Vanessa nods. "And Julian hasn't told you about it?" she asks finally.

  I shake my head. "No. Can you tell me about it? Is Pete right that it's like twice the salary and working with the head of like, everything, or something?"

  Vanessa sighs. "Since you already know, I'm not breaking my promise to Julian, right?"

  "Right." I'm practically breathless with the fact that I'm about to find out the truth, why Julian hasn't told me about this.

  "OK," she says. "So, yes, there's this job offer in New York. He said it's a dream job for him. He applied thinking he'd never get the position, but based on his grades and extracurriculars and stuff, and on some kick ass recommendations from some professors, he found out a few weeks ago that they wanted him immediately after graduation."

  "That's amazing! So why didn't he tell me about it?"

  "Because he doesn't think he's going to take it."

  "What? Why?"

  "Duh, Lia. Because of you."

  How can something be simultaneously the best and worst thing I've ever heard?

  "He can't not take it because of me," I say, my voice low.

  "But you can't tell him what to do. He's smart, but he's stubborn. And once he makes up his mind, it's hard to get him to change it. He always thinks he's right."

  "Yeah, but if he throws his future away because of me, he'll end up resenting me some day, won't he?" I ask.

  "Maybe he's thinking of you as his future."

  "But that's . . . there's no way . . . " It's impossible to find words for something I don't even understand. The thought that he might be thinking of me in terms of the future is staggering and beautiful, but the chance that he'd take a second-rate job over a dream job because of me isn't something I can allow. I'd rather lose him now than to think I have him, only for him to grow miserable and resentful because I'd made him settle for second-best.

  "You can't decide his future for him," says Vanessa quietly and gently. "He's a man. He's got to make his own decisions."

  "And I have to make mine," I reply, a tear falling down my cheek despite my efforts to keep myself from crying.

  "Are you thinking of breaking up with him over this?"

  I nod slowly, the tears gaining momentum until I'm sobbing into her shoulder as she hugs me close.

  "I knew you'd get hurt," she murmurs into my hair. "I knew you and Julian were a bad idea. Now both of you are going to have your hearts broken. You're both too stubborn." But her words are sad, and I know she's hurting for me too.

  "Look," I say when I can finally speak again. "You can't tell him we talked. Please. I don't want him to know why I'm breaking up with him. I want him to think I'm just, I don't know, tired of him or needing to move on or whatever. If he knows it's about this, he'll do something stupid, like take the Portland job. He needs to be free to take whatever job he really wants."

  "Lia, you don't have to do this. Life is about compromise, right? About people making choices based on what they want to do, sure, but also on who they want to be with. It's OK if he factors you into his equation."

  "No, it's not. Not for something as big as this. Not for a relationship that's, what, only a few months old? I can't let him do that. And it's not that I'm so giving or generous," I add. "It's because I think either I'll get hurt now, or I'll get hurt later when he realizes he gave up something amazing for me, and that later hurt will be so, so much worse. I think losing him because he resents me would kill me. I have to get out now."

  "So I'm in the middle again. First with his secret and now with yours."

  "Please, Vanessa. I know it's not fair to you, but I need you to do this for me."

  She sighs. "Fine. But promise we can stay friends. We'll email and text and stuff?"

  "OK," I say doubtfully. Somehow the thought of staying friends with Vanessa, as much as I want to, scares me because she's a tie to Julian, and his name will inevitably come up. Can I handle that?

  As if reading my thoughts she says, "I promise not to mention Julian, ever, if you don't want me to."

  "We have to stay friends."

  "When are you going to break up with him?"

  "I don't know. Soon. I wanted to wait till after graduation, but I can't because he needs to accept the job offer soon. Like now. So I don't have much time." The thought of things ending with him makes me feel like I'll stop breathing, but I swallow my feelings down and took a deep breath.

  Vanessa holds my hand gently in hers. "You don't have to do this. I understand your reasons, but it's OK to let things happen naturally."

  "I know. But I can't. I think this is the best way. I'm sorry."

  "You're the one who's going to be sorriest," she says sadly. "And Julian too." But she lets my hand go and nods. "Whatever you do, we're friends, right?"

  "Right," I say as I get up. "Sorry to wake you up so early."

  "I have to study anyway," she says, yawning and taking a sip of the coffee I brought. "It's actually a good thing that I'm up early today."

  I take a look back at her, comfortable on the couch, her long hair floating around her head. She's so pretty and kind, and I might not get another chance to see her here like this. When I close the door, I look back at the purple house. Chances are I won't return, not after I see Julian again and break things off with him. I don't even try to stop the tears this time, and I cry all the way back to my dorm room.

  ***

  Julian's planning to take me to the movies, but before he picks me up, I beg Greer to leave our room. I need privacy with Julian. I need to get this over with.

  "Why? Don't you guys have anywhere else to get busy?" she grumbles, pulling her long blond hair back into a ponytail. "Where am I supposed to go?"

  "I don't know, Greer. Look, I've practically never asked you for a favor before. And I've done your laundry, and helped you study, and all sorts of things. I just need to talk to Julian. Alone."

  She tilts her head at me. "What's going on, Lia?"

  "Nothing," I lie.

  "You look so serious. And you're not getting dressed up like you usually do when you go out with him."

  "Nothing's going on," I insist, but her persistent frown lets me know she doesn't believe me for a second.

  "Are you two fighting?"

  "No, Greer, we're not fighting."

  "You really won't tell me?" she finally asks.

  "Not now. Please? Just go to the lounge? Or someone else's room? Just for half an hour?"

  "Just promise you won't be doing it when I walk in."

  "I promise," and as I say it, a sadness fills me because I realize we probably wouldn't be "doing it" ever again. This is it.

  I don't ha
ve to do this. I know that. But I'm too scared about what will happen if I don't, if I let us continue to be happy together, if I let him make the huge mistake not taking the New York job. For a second I think that it's OK for him to take the good job and for us to stay together too. Can't he do both? Yet in my heart I know that won't work either. I want him to be free. And I never, ever want to be the thing that holds him back from his dreams.

  Greer leaves, sighing loudly in fake annoyance as she does, and Julian texts me that he's outside. Come in for a sex? I text. Then seeing my mistake: Sec, not sex!

  The first text sounded better, he replies, but I don't smile. I'm not sure I'll ever smile again.

  In a few seconds he's at my door, and when he sees my face, his immediately gets serious too. "Lia, is everything OK?"

  "Sit down?" I say.

  He sinks onto my bed, and I sit on the desk chair and just stare at him for a few seconds. His hair, those green eyes, that hoodie. Worn jeans covering lean, strong legs. I wish I could take a picture with my mind, wish I could capture more than his looks but his essence too. Everything about him makes me smile, but it's a sad smile, and Julian looks even more worried.

  "Look, Julian," I finally say. "I've been thinking."

  "So have I," he replies. "But I bet your thoughts weren't as dirty as mine." He winks, but then his face turns serious again when I don't smile.

  "What's going on, Lia. I'm getting worried."

  "Julian, I . . . I've had a better time in college than I thought I ever could. And it was because of you. I was bored and lonely until I met you and Vanessa, and then things got great. But you guys won't be here next year, and there's still two months of school for me, and I need to take that time to make other friends and get to know other people because I'll be back, even if you won't."

  "That's fine," he says, clearly confused. "I don't mind if you meet other people. I think that's a good idea."

  "No, Julian. I mean, I . . . I need a fresh start."

  "A fresh start? What are you talking about, Lia?"

  "Like, I love hanging out with you . . . "

  "Hanging out? Is that all you think we've been doing?"

  "No, Julian, but I need to be . . . free. To start feeling more comfortable alone."

  "What the hell does that mean?" A flash of anger crosses his face.

  "You know what I mean."

  "Say it, Lia. Don't play games with me."

  "It means we need to break up."

  For a second he doesn't say anything, doesn't even look at me. He seems to be staring at the floor. A million thoughts fly through my head. It's not too late. I can take it back. Things can go back to perfect. But the loudest thought in my head is that I have to follow through. I have to finish this.

  Finally he looks up at me. "Lia, that's bullshit. Tell me what's really going on."

  "Nothing, Julian. Just what I said. I'm too dependent on you. I need to branch out, but I won't do it if I'm still going out with you."

  "I don't believe you, Lia. I don't believe that you really mean that."

  I don't respond.

  "I want you to look at me. Look me straight in the eyes and tell me you don't love me, that you don't want to be with me."

  I can't.

  "I have never told a girl that I loved her before. I have never loved a girl before. You're my first, Lia, and I know you love me too. I cannot believe you'd give this up for . . . some stupid notion about needing to get to know other people. You can do that while being with me. You're not making sense."

  "I'm sorry," I finally say in a tiny voice.

  "Sorry for what?"

  "This," I whisper. "All of this. Breaking up."

  "Is this what you really want?"

  I nod.

  "No, Lia. You have to say it. I won't believe it until you look me straight in the eyes and tell me."

  Slowly, feeling like the breath is leaving my body, like surviving the next few seconds will be impossible, I raise my eyes to his, so green and dark and sad and angry, all at the same time.

  "Julian," I whisper. "I want us to break up. I'm sorry."

  "Fine." The word is a hiss, and he's up and to the door before I know what's happening.

  "Wait, Julian . . . " I call out, but he's gone, the door slamming behind him as he leaves, the sound so loud and so final.

  The tears start and don't stop. They'll never stop. I curl into a ball on my bed, sobbing uncontrollably. I hear Greer come in, brace myself for a wave of incessant questions from her. But uncharacteristically, she doesn't ask a single one. Instead, she sits on the edge of my bed stroking my hair, murmuring over and over that everything will be OK. I know she's wrong. Nothing will ever be OK. But I close my eyes and let her console me anyway.

  ***

  Somehow I manage to make it to all my classes for the next few weeks. In fact, I throw myself into studying instead of thinking about the fact that I probably just made the biggest mistake of my life. It certainly feels like I did, but I try not to focus on that. Vanessa texts me once in a while, asking how I'm doing and not mentioning her brother at all.

  A month before the end of the school year, I'm in the student bookstore buying some pens when I run into the blond girl from Julian's room. She smirks at me.

  "Told you it wouldn't last," she says. Then she holds up a pack of Extra Large Trojans. "But now that you guys are broken up? More fun for the rest of us."

  I'm going to throw up, right there in the middle of the bookstore. I seriously think I am. Did Julian really move on that quickly? And to her? But I'm not supposed to care. This was my choice, and now I have to deal with it.

  I leave the store without even buying anything and fight back tears. All I want is to be home, to recuperate, to forget all about MUD and Julian and the stupid blond girl he’s sleeping with again.

  “Hey! Lia!”

  I almost didn’t see Vanessa through my haze of sorrow, but she sweeps me into a hug, her familiar vanilla and patchouli scent an almost immediate comfort.

  “How are you doing?” she asks, looking deeply into my eyes.

  I shrug. There's no point lying to the one person who knows the truth. "Not great."

  “I’m so sorry, Lia.” Her eyes are so green, just like Julian’s, and filled with sadness. “If it makes you feel any better, Julian’s pretty upset still too.”

  “Really? That’s not what that stupid blonde he used to sleep with just said.” I didn’t want to burden Vanessa with my problems, but I can’t help it.

  “What are you talking about, Lia?”

  “Nothing. Just some girl buying condoms told me she’s hanging out with Julian again.”

  “Lia, she’s lying. I can guarantee you Julian hasn’t even though about anyone else since you two broke up. And anyway, he’s gone, Lia. I was looking for you to tell you.”

  "What? Gone? Where? Is he OK?"

  "He's fine, yeah. His new job—the one in New York?—wanted him to start sooner, so they contacted the school and worked something out. MUD allowed him to graduate early, so he's out there already."

  "Oh my god," I whisper. I'm happy for him, truly, and slightly relieved that I won't have to run into him on campus. But mostly? I feel destroyed by the knowledge that it's now over for sure. And he didn't even say goodbye.

  "I didn't know MUD would do that," I manage to say.

  "They don't. But for Julian?" She rolls her eyes.

  "That's . . . great. Is he happy?"

  "I wouldn't say happy. He's still torn up about you guys. But he's excited about the job."

  "I'm glad."

  "I knew you would be," she says, pulling me in for another hug.

  "When did he leave?"

  "Yesterday."

  I nod.

  "Look, I gotta run," she says. "Lia, come over, OK? I don't want you to be alone. You look so sad."

  "I am."

  She squeezes my hand. "Call me," she says.

  She leaves, but I stand still, in the middle of campus
, my heart breaking with such force I'm sure everyone can hear it.

  ***

  When I get back to my room, there's a package waiting for me, a big post office box addressed in Julian's handwriting. My heart flutters.

  Greer's not here, so I tear the package open. I peel back the crumpled newspaper he's used as stuffing, and sigh when I see his hoodie. Gingerly, like I'm picking up a fragile and sacred object, I lift it out of the box, then hug it to me tightly. His most prized possession.

  I'm already crying when I look into the box and see two objects wrapped loosely in newspaper. The first is a pack of Twizzlers, and I laugh through my tears. The second is the purple vibrator in its white case, the one we bought together at Pleasure Place. I blush when I see it, even though I'm alone in my room.

  There's a letter too, and I read it:

  Dear Lia -

  I realized something today when I was writing this letter to you in between packing. Your name is part of mine. It's impossible to spell "Julian" without "Lia." It's undoubtedly cheesy of me to point that out, and maybe it doesn't mean anything at all. But it reminds me that you'll always be a part of me; you'll always be in my heart. I realize that sounds cheesy as well, but what's not is the way I felt about you. Feel about you. I'm still not sure why you broke up with me. I sense that Vanessa knows something she's not telling. Your reasons must have been strong, though, for you to give up what we had, because I know you feel as strongly about me as I do about you. Regardless, it's over, and I must accept that and let you do whatever it is you need to do.

  I wanted to give you something to remember me, and I thought my hoodie would be perfect. It's my prized possession, as you know, and I expect you to take good care of it, which means no washing or drying it if at all possible. Think about me when you wear it. I also have enclosed the toy we bought together, and a pack of Twizzlers, since I guess I owe you some.

  I don’t know what else to write to you. My heart and head are filled with thoughts that are so intense yet intangible except this:

  I loved you, Lia. I love you.

  Love, Julian

  I put on his sweatshirt and sit on my bed. I think about how if I hadn't broke up with him he'd probably be here right now, his arms around me instead of just his hoodie. Tears press up against the backs of my eyes, but I don't want to cry anymore.