Negotiations With God

by R W Sowrider

  “Oh yeah, Jesus. Good dude, that Jesus. He really helped spread the word about Me, which I like.”

  A moth fluttered close to Yahweh’s ear and he squashed it with a clap of his mighty hands. “Pesky gnats. They never stop bothering me.”

  Aphrodite giggled.

  “So what can I do for you … ummm …”

  “Rowen, my Father. My name is Rowen.”

  “Right. So what can I do for you, Owen?”

  “I um … I uh … I guess I don’t really have any questions for You, I was just kinda floating in that water and it brought me here.”

  “Why is there so much injustice in the world?” a voice sounded from behind, and suddenly Rowen realized that he was not the only mortal present.

  “How dare you question Me!” Yahweh snapped. “You want some of this?! You want a piece?! I will smite the living shit outta you!”

  Rowen turned to get a look at the object of Yahweh’s fury and was surprised to find that it was none other than the wicked Francois.

  “I’m very sorry,” Francois said to Yahweh, slinking back into the current.

  “Me too,” Rowen said, bowing his head. He wasn’t quite sure why he was apologizing, but he felt somewhat disillusioned and the urge to flee was overwhelming. Further, he felt an almost gravitational pull toward Francois, so he waded into the current behind him.

  Once they had drifted away from the island, Francois turned to Rowen with a this-is-more-awkward-than-the- time-I-was-hitting-on-a-girl-at-a-bar-and-for-some-reason-said-to-her-that-you-never-know-if-you-might-kill-someone-someday look. “I’m really sorry about the selling you into slavery bit.”

  Rowen nodded in acknowledgement and waited for Francois to continue.

  “I knew it was wrong, and yet I couldn’t help myself. Could you find it in your heart to forgive me?”

  An awkward silence hung over the two as Rowen thought back on the experience and searched deep within his soul. Surprisingly, he found little resentment. And what little there was, was not for his own suffering, but for the unimaginable suffering that Sera must have gone through.

  Rowen gave Francois a half-smile. “Yeah. I forgive you. I’m not really sure why, but I feel almost no animosity toward you.”

  “Oh, that’s wonderful,” Francois replied, extending a hand. “You’re a really good person. I hope we get to meet again under better circumstances. Like in Empyrean.”

  “Okay, enough fraternizing,” Delemor boomed as the two were shaking hands. “Get back in here and let’s get down to business.”

  The current took Rowen back to the bank in front of Delemor’s chamber and he clambered up the stone path, into the room, and once again sat deferentially on his heels across the table from the resplendent Delemor, seated high on his throne.

  “So,” Delemor began slowly, stroking his long, reptilian jaw. “What can I do for you so that you live the right life?”

  Rowen was at a loss, uncertain of how to begin.

  “Let’s again start by looking back at your last life,” Delemor continued. “What did you find unsatisfactory?”

  “Well, I guess it was cut rather short.”

  “There we go. So you’d like to make it to adulthood. I’m in a generous mood today, I can grant you that.”

  “On the plus side, I really enjoyed being a leader. Perhaps I could be a king?”

  “Denied,” Delemor said, flatly. “That would be taking advantage of me, now wouldn’t it? But I tell you what. How about I make you one of the most powerful men in all the land?”

  “That would be great.”

  “And how about the ladies?”

  “If Sera’s not already in Empyrean, could I be with her again?” Rowen requested, timidly.

  Delemor’s tail hissed from beneath the table. “No talk of Sera. She’s not up for negotiation. Not now, not ever.”

  “I apologize.”

  “But I could arrange for you to be surrounded with the most beautiful women in all the land. Is that something you’d be interested in?”

  “Well … would they like me?”

  “Of course. I already told you I’d make you one of the most powerful men in all the land.”

  “Then that would be wonderful, I think,” Rowen said, warming up to the idea of this next life.

  “Then it shall be done, my little cabbage-cabbage. However, I cannot guarantee that your fire will burn as hot as theirs?”

  “What do you mean? I’ll be surrounded by beautiful women, right?”

  “Right.”

  “And they’ll like me, right?”

  “Right.”

  “Then there will be no problem,” Rowen replied, now relishing the thought. “While I renounced all wicked desire in my last life, if I’m to understand that it is okay to lay with a woman as an adult …” Rowen paused, awaiting assent.

  “It is, you adorable little abomination.”

  “Then I’m sure that if they like me, there will be plenty of fireworks.”

  “I like that confidence. This next life is shaping up well for you. How about physical features? What would you like to look like?”

  “Handsome?”

  “Rejected. I already told you, you’ll be a man of great power.”

  “…Golden locks?”

  “Rejected. In fact, you will be bald.”

  “…Strong?”

  “Rejected. You will be scrawny and weak as a child, and fat and weak as an adult.”

  “…Really?”

  “I grow tired of this. Meng Po,” Delemor shouted suddenly. “Bring in the drink.”

  The adorable old lady emerged immediately with the beverage and hobbled over to Rowen.

  “The negotiations are over,” Delemor said, impatiently. “Drink and be gone!”

  Meng Po handed over the concoction which was frothing over the rim of the cup. Rowen pinched his nose and chugged it down as fast as he could.

  “Up we go,” Meng Po said kindly, grabbing Rowen by the arm and helping him to his feet.

  “Thank you,” Rowen replied, groggily.

  As he began to stagger, Meng Po clutched both of his cheeks and looked him dead in the eye. Rowen did his best to look back down at her but everything was hazy.

  “It is better to have rubbed and rost than to have never rubbed at all,” she said in a thick Asian accent that did not seem familiar. “Rub, Rowen. Rub!”

  “Huh?” Rowen muttered unintelligently before his vision went completely haywire and everything went black.

  Xianyang, China

  Mid-3 rd Century BC

  The day that 11-year-old Prince Zhao Zheng Zhu, or Frank as he was known to his intimates, became king was at once glorious and regretful.

  Glorious because his state of Qin had just defeated the state of Han, thereby taking the first of six steps to unify China.

  Regretful because his father had just died, an unfortunate yet necessary condition to make the leap from prince to king.

  “It is a bittersweet day,” his mother, now Queen Dowager Zhao, said to him. “I am very sad that your father has perished, but once the sadness has passed, we will look back on this day as an auspicious one. It will go down as the day that the greatest leader in the history of mankind ascended to the throne. The hero that once and for all unified China and created an empire that shall stand and prosper for all of time. The Earth itself will crumble before your empire does. Great monuments in your honor shall decorate our magnificent land and our joyful subjects shall sing songs about you, the Son of Heaven, for eternity.”

  Frank’s conflicted heart couldn’t help but delight in his mother’s words.

  To add to this delight, young Frank received countless wonderful presents, his favorite of which was a 9-year-old boy named Rowen who had been captured during the taking of Han.

  “I think he’ll make an excellent companion for His Excellency,” the lieutenant general said. “I’m sure you will find him quite resourceful. When I entered his dwelling, I heard the voice o
f a distressed girl calling from the corner. ‘I am wounded,’ she cried. ‘And am in need of a strapping soldier from Qin.’ I rushed to the corner but found nothing but an empty cask. That’s when I felt a sharp sting in my back. I turned around to see none other than this waif. He had just shot me in the back with a blow dart. The scamp had lured me into the corner by throwing his voice. Quite a trick,” the lieutenant general finished with a smile.

  From that day on, King Frank and Rowen were inseparable. When they weren’t studying or consulting with the Queen Dowager and generals about the unification campaign, they were happily at play.

  They battled at chess using servants as pieces, making sure that when a piece was knocked out of the game, it was knocked out cold.

  They engaged in blow dart competitions from atop the palace gates, using random passersby as targets.

  And their favorite form of play was taking advantage of Rowen’s ability to throw his voice to prank members of the royal court.

  For instance, they pranked a maid by making her think that the Queen Dowager had requested that she wash the royal gowns in fire; they pranked a palace guard by making him think that the security general had told him to be on the lookout for flying monkeys; and they pranked a cook by making him think that a beautiful concubine had asked him to prepare her lunch with “a log of shit, for a friend.”

  It was during one of these shenanigans that Rowen came across the concubine Xera, a recent addition to Frank’s ever-growing harem which would go into service upon his 15th birthday.

  Despite being double Rowen’s age, and despite being pledged to Frank and Frank alone for eternity, or perhaps because of those factors, at the precise moment that Rowen first laid eyes on Xera, Aphrodite—Goddess of Beauty, Horndog Love, and Shitty Dramas—pierced his heart .

  From that moment on, not a day passed where Rowen didn’t gush to Frank about Xera’s beauty. He adored her porcelain skin, pouty lips, and silky black hair that she braided into a pair of sweeping loops behind her head and adorned with gold hairpins.

  Frank was not nearly as smitten, but was happy enough to count her among his concubines and never ceased to be amused by Rowen’s outpouring of emotion.

  As the boys made the most of court life, several key developments occurred during the first year of Frank’s reign.

  A timely earthquake made for an easy conquest of Zhao, and a devastating hurricane helped make short work of Yan.

  Both natural disasters were the work of their patron deity Dionysus—God of Mischief, the Drink, and One-Night Stands.

  As a result, only three states remained and the outlook for unification by Frank’s 15th birthday was rosy.

  Further, ground had been broken on the Forbidden City, and thanks in part to the spoils of war, much progress had been made on what would be a massive complex of awe-inspiring buildings and gorgeous gardens.

  Upon Frank’s ascent to the throne, the Queen Dowager promptly began planning the complex which would include a luxurious royal palace, plush residences for concubines and other members of the court, and a stately building from which to govern.

  On many occasions, the Queen Dowager boasted to Frank that the Forbidden City would be the most magnificent complex the world had ever seen, as befits the Son of Heaven.

  “Unfortunately,” Frank explained to Rowen, “as you are a commoner, you will not be able to live there with me. In fact, you won’t even be allowed in. Hence the name.”

  This was obviously sad news for Rowen who loved hanging out with Frank, and lived for glimpses of Xera.

  Another interesting development was the pregnancy of the Queen Dowager, which she assured Frank was a good thing. Rowen, too, tried to convince him that it would be wonderful to have a younger sibling, but Frank couldn’t help but feel suspicious, particularly since he had never trusted the father, a high-ranking official who always seemed to have the Queen’s ear.

  More progress was made in the second year of Frank’s reign as Qin was able to defeat Wei with much of the credit going to a catastrophic landside that wiped out half of Wei’s army.

  In the following year, they were able to conquer their largest and most fearsome enemy, Chu. After their king was killed in a lightning storm, a power vacuum opened, leading to a brutal internal struggle which made them surprisingly easy prey.

  At around the same time, the Queen Dowager gave birth to another child, giving Frank two adorable half-brothers to contemplate.

  “Everything is going exactly as planned,” Queen Dowager informed Frank as they entered the fourth year of his reign. “The Forbidden City will be finished by your birthday and because only the impotent state of Qi remains, unification is at hand.”

  The Queen was not wrong. By the time the construction of the Forbidden City was complete, Qi had fallen. While Frank’s Qin army was on pace for an easy conquest, they were nonetheless aided by an epidemic of diarrhea that swept through the Qi army.

  “I have wonderful news,” Frank informed Rowen during the days leading up to his 15th birthday. “There’s a way for you to live with me in the Forbidden City. Not only that, you’ll be able to serve as one of my most trusted advisors.”

  Rowen was over the moon. Not only could he continue to live a cushy court lifestyle, but he would be forever near the love of his life, Xera.

  “It’ll involve a small sacrifice on your part, but what do you say?”

  “I say I’m in. I don’t care what the cost may be.”

  A few days before the big ceremony to celebrate the unification of China, the crowning of an emperor, and the emperor’s birthday, Rowen found himself in a smoky rowhouse adjacent to a small dirt courtyard.

  “Your turn, little guy,” a seedy yet shrewd looking gentlemen said to Rowen as he handed him a long pipe.

  “What’s this?”

  “Opium,” a round, droopy-eared fellow on the other side of Rowen replied. “It’ll help you get through the procedure.”

  “What procedure?” Rowen asked.

  The two men shot each other the-kid-has-no-idea-what-he’s-in-for looks before letting out a bit of wry laughter.

  “Best not to focus on it,” the seedy gentleman said. “Just inhale.”

  “Yeah,” the round fellow agreed as Rowen reluctantly filled his lungs with smoke. “Best to focus on the positive. Like what a life-altering opportunity this is.”

  The men snickered again as Rowen coughed violently when exhaling.

  “I think you’ll find that it’s a relatively minor price to pay to be lifted out of poverty and into imperial robes,” the seedy gentleman said. “Once we have the emperor’s ear, it’s simply a matter of learning his tastes and habits before being granted a plum position.”

  “Yes,” the round fellow concurred. “Giving up one pleasure in return for so many is not a bad deal at all. Sure, we may start by doing menial tasks, but once we’ve gained the emperor’s trust, we can even hope for power and wealth of our own. Not to mention that we’ll be surrounded by beautiful gardens and lovely girls. ”

  Rowen was not quite sure what they were getting at and as a wave of sleepy euphoria drifted over him, he was not all that concerned.

  Upon being led out to the grim courtyard, they found a row of three chairs, each with a hole in the middle and were instructed by a kindly attendant to disrobe and sit.

  Rowen followed the two men’s lead, stripping down, and slumping drowsily into his chair.

  “They’re ready for you now, doctor,” the kindly woman said.

  His mind in a fog of happy relaxation, Rowen watched as the stone-faced “doctor” approached the round fellow from behind, steadied a pair of mighty sheers just below the seat, and with a look of great determination snipped the man’s penis and testicles clean off.

  Now in a state of detached confusion, Rowen stared as a torrent of blood gushed from beneath the round fellow’s legs before he slumped to the ground with a great thud.

  “Whooooooa,” Rowen gasped, languidly. “Is that guy
gonna die?”

  “Probably,” the attendant replied, pleasantly. “At best, only two outta the three of you will live through the procedure and he’s hemorrhaging pretty bad.”

  “That doesn’t sound good.”

  “On the bright side, it probably increases your odds of making it.”

  Rowen watched in subdued horror as the doctor repeated the surgery on the seedy gentleman and then made his way over to him.

  “But how am I gonna pee?!” Rowen said as the doctor prepared to strike.

  The doctor paused momentarily, then gave his reply with great solemnity. “Sitting down.”

  ** *

  “Is my new favorite eunuch finally awake?” Frank said as Rowen’s groggy eyes began to open.

  The sharp pain pulsating from his groin quickly prompted a recollection of what had transpired. “Why did they do that to me?” he asked, despondently.

  Frank smiled down at him. “So that you may enter the Forbidden City. The only males allowed in are eunuchs.”

  “Why?”

  “Because only eunuchs can be trusted.”

  “Trusted for what?”

  “To be faithful to me. You wouldn’t want me worrying about whether one of my concubines was giving birth to my child or to the child of one of my gardeners, would you? It’s the only way to prove fidelity.”

  Rowen was still drowning in despair. “But I’ll have to pee sitting down.”

  “Don’t be so pessimistic, Rowen. This is a wonderful thing. Sure, it’ll take some time to get used to your new facilities, but once you do, who knows, if you’re able to arch your back just so and get a sharp stream going, you may even be able to pee standing up.”

  “…”

  “Anyway, you’re my best friend in the whole world. You wanted to live with me in the plush new palace, right?”

  “… Yeah.”

  “And you wanted to become my most trusted advisor for life, right?”

  “… Yeah.”

  “And you want to be around Xera, right?”

  “Yeah.”

  “So cheer up, brother. This isn’t something to pout about, this is something to celebrate. In fact, at my coronation ceremony, not only will we celebrate the Unification of China, but we’ll also celebrate the Eunification of Rowen!”