Negotiations With God

by R W Sowrider

“Go ahead already!” Delemor roared.

  “I’m sorry. What was the cause of the eruption?”

  “What do you think it was?”

  “Well, perhaps it was the hypocrisy? I feel like the culture was egalitarian, yet in practice, bondage and persecution ran rampant. Perhaps that upset the Gods to the point that they wiped us out of existence?”

  “Perhaps,” Delemor replied. “Anything else you think may have been the cause?” he asked, giving Rowen a knowing glance.

  Rowen’s head slumped down as he let out a dejected sigh. “There was also the culture of … promiscuity.”

  Delemor raised an eyebrow. “Go on.”

  “Was it me? Was it my fault? Was it the double whammy of visiting a brothel on the eve of my wedding?”

  “Let me put it this way. Double-teaming Lyciska that night certainly did not help.”

  Rowen let out a long sigh.

  “Don’t beat yourself up about it, kiddo. There may have been some other factors.”

  As Rowen stared blankly at the floor, he was once again struck by the feeling of being watched and his eyes darted to the elephant, who was staring back at him.

  Summoning all the courage he could muster, Rowen looked up at Delemor. “Is it okay to address the 800-pound elephant in the room?”

  “No.” After a few beats of silence, Delemor once again cracked up. “Oh man, I got you again! This is too funny. You’ll never learn, will you?! Go ahead. Go ahead. Address the 800-pound elephant. I don’t know why you feel the need to guess his weight, but go on. Address your ass off.”

  Rowen slowly turned his head toward the elephant. “Ummm … are you who I think you are?”

  The elephant smiled graciously. “Ganesha, at your service.”

  “You hear that, kid?” Delemor chimed in, smirking. “You’ve got a God at your service. You’re free to treat him like your bitch.”

  Ganesha glared at Delemor. “Pipe down, baby arms,” he said in a surprisingly low, gruff voice. Despite being roughly 800 pounds, he had a light, ethereal aura which led Rowen to anticipate a more gentle tone and manner. “I’m just being polite. Rowen was a faithful worshiper his entire life.”

  “Relax, big guy,” Delemor replied, placatingly. “You know I’m just playing around.”

  “You’re quite the joker today, aren’t you?”

  Delemor flashed a toothy grin. “Everyday. It’s kind of my thing.”

  As the two divinities squabbled, Rowen couldn’t help but stare at Ganesha—God of Reason, Intellect, and Outlandishly Phallic Noses.

  A peculiar item was perched on each of Ganesha’s six palms. There was a balancing scale, a rotating cog, a tiny pagoda, a miniature model of the Washington Monument, a peacock, and a cylindrical glass jar containing a shimmering viscous liquid.

  “That one’s for you,” Ganesha said, noticing that Rowen was staring at the curious gel .

  Rowen felt a flutter in his chest. “Really?”

  Ganesha’s voice softened. “Yes. You have no idea how rare you are. Most people don’t even know that I exist, and those that do seem to willingly forget when convenient. Your dedication was admirable.”

  “I can’t take any credit. I was only following what was already there. In my mind and my heart.”

  “Well I thank you for your devotion.”

  “And I humbly thank you. I felt a thirst for knowledge and understanding and you never failed to quench it. I only wish I could have been a better follower, preaching your Word for the betterment of society.”

  As Rowen was speaking, he heard the familiar sound of Delemor’s diamond teardrop landing on the table and slowly rolling off.

  He glanced at Delemor whose facial expression appeared to change in the blink of an eye from touched to taunting. “Do you two need to get a room?”

  Ganesha once again shot daggers at Delemor. “I’m just trying to give the kid a present, so back off, would you?!”

  “I’m honored,” Rowen said, taking the glass jar from Ganesha’s extended arm. “It’s beautiful.”

  As Rowen twirled it in his hand, bits and pieces mixed into the viscous liquid sparkled, reflecting the glorious light all around them.

  “It’s shampoo for you to wash with. It contains fragments of my ivory tusks, so you can say goodbye to that unsightly frizz.”

  “Thank you so much!” Rowen was 99% thrilled to receive the kind gift, but 1% disappointed. He turned to Delemor. “So does this mean I’m to bathe now? Instead of progressing to Empyrean?”

  “You bet your sweet ass it does. No chance of advancing after that abortion, I can guarantee you that. You’re lucky you’re getting another chance at all. Frankly, you have Ganesha to thank for that. ”

  Rowen turned back to Ganesha and bowed his head respectfully. “I don’t know what to say. You are so kind. So benevolent. So wise. I hope that I can continue to learn from you, and to pray to you.”

  “Alright, enough already,” Delemor barked. “Get out of here and wash that stink off so we can discuss what’s next.”

  Rowen had always felt a deep respect toward Delemor, but the respect he felt for Ganesha was on another level. He jumped to his feet, scurried to the side of the door, and bowed deferentially, waiting for Ganesha to exit the chamber first.

  Ganesha smiled graciously and pointed outside with his trunk. “After you.”

  Rowen bowed again, swiftly made his way through the door, and stepped off the path, allowing Ganesha to amble up alongside him.

  “Those who will not reason, are bigots,” Ganesha said, his gravelly voice grave and full of weight. “Those who cannot, are fools. And those who dare not, are slaves.”

  Rowen nodded as the words sunk in and his mind was filled with a great sense of satiation, as if he had absorbed the equivalent of a 5-star, 3-course meal. “Your wisdom knows no bounds.”

  “I’d like to take credit for that quote, so I will.”

  Rowen peered up at Ganesha who was smiling sheepishly.

  “After all, it was I who put the thought into Lord Byron’s head.”

  For once, Rowen hadn’t the faintest idea what Ganesha was talking about. “I’m sorry?”

  “Never mind that,” Ganesha answered as they reached the bathing facility. “I am off now, but I don’t think this is the end of our relationship. I have a feeling our connection will only grow stronger. Enjoy the shampoo.”

  “Oh, I hope so,” Rowen replied, starry-eyed. “Thank you again for everything! ”

  As Rowen watched Ganesha wade into the water, he heard the pitter-patter of the pug in tow.

  “Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt,” the pug said as he passed by.

  Rowen was struck by the odd slapping sound the pug made while trotting down the stone path and looked down to find that instead of paws, it had what appeared to be human hands, and instead of a tail, it had what appeared to be a pair of antennae, like those of a praying mantis, but with a hairy stub at each end.

  “Seriously,” the pug called just before launching itself into the water. “Don’t talk so much. People will realize!”

  Rowen watched in awe as Ganesha slowly disappeared into the mist, the pug doggy-paddling after him.

  ***

  As Rowen rubbed the special shampoo into his scalp, he felt a coolness envelop his body and a conflagration ignite in his mind. It was as if all 100 billion neurons in his brain were Fourth of July firecrackers exploding non-stop.

  In a word, it was numbing. Rowen’s jaw went slack and his eyes fell back into his head. His consciousness soared through space and he felt a wonderful connection with everything in the universe.

  Before long, the euphoria trickled down to every cell in his body and he found himself swaying back and forth rhythmically in absolute ecstasy.

  He smiled, licked his lips, and through the slits in his eyes, passively took in his surroundings.

  On the second highest pine cluster of the miniature evergreen tree, h
e noticed a curious creature who seemed to be dancing along with him.

  It had a human-like body but a fiery sun for a head, with its only facial features being cartoonish eyes and a gaping mouth. Its legs grooved to some beat, bending up and down, while its hands, each holding an ear of corn, fist pumped into the air with reckless abandon.

  Rowen leaned in toward the creature, nodding his head and giving it a yeah-this-mutherfucker-knows-what’s-up smile.

  “Oh, was Ganesha here?” a perturbed voice called from behind him.

  Rowen turned to find Aphrodite holding the jar of special shampoo.

  “Yeah,” Rowen gushed. “That Dude is awesome!”

  “Really?!” Aphrodite replied, clearly annoyed. “I think he’s kind of a creep. All he cares about is forming conclusions based on logical arguments. It’s like everything he says is designed to get under my skin.”

  “No, no, no. He’s a real chill guy. I mean, he’s really smart, like mind-blowingly smart, but he’s also really chill. And speaking of really chill guys, check out this little dude!”

  Rowen spun on his seat and pointed to the dancing sun who proceeded to stop in its tracks. “Me so hungry!” it shouted, before jumping off of its pine cluster, landing on the ground with a thud, and sprinting along the water until it was out of sight.

  Rowen turned to Aphrodite expectantly. “Neat,” she replied, flatly. “Anyway, care for a drink?”

  “Yes, please!”

  The divine beverage tasted even more delicious than usual as it served to bring Rowen down softly from his euphoria into a peaceful state of relaxation.

  After rinsing off and finishing the drink, he followed Aphrodite into the soothing, tropical water. The current swept them off to a small hill of an island where above the red sand beach was a grove of fig trees.

  Rowen enjoyed the feel of the warm, pebbly sand on the soles of his feet as he clambered up the beach. Underneath the first tree that he came to was a solemn-looking figure sitting cross-legged, his head bowed slightly and eyes closed in what appeared to be deep thought.

  “Who’s that?” Rowen asked Aphrodite.

  “That’s Buddha—God of Being Unhappy Despite Having Everything, Deserting One’s Wife & Child, and Rationalizing Seven Years Of Time Spent Doing Absolutely Nothing.”

  “Really?” Rowen replied in shock.

  “No, I’m just kidding. He’s just a run-of-the-mill mortal, same as you. His name is Sid.”

  Sid woke with a start. “Huh?”

  “Sleeping on the job again, are you?” Aphrodite said.

  “No, I was meditating,” Sid replied, rubbing his eyes. “Pondering the mysterious nature of the universe. I’m actually pretty close to discovering an even higher level of enlightenment.”

  “I wish I could say I was doubtful, or even disappointed, but we’re way past that.”

  “Hey, since you’re here,” Sid said, his face lighting up. “Could you do me a huge favor and let me play some Super Mario Bros.? Please? Please? Pleeeeeeeease?”

  “Yeah, whatever.”

  In the blink of an eye, Sid scampered over to a big screen TV and Nintendo game console that was set up under an adjacent fig tree and went to work. His thumbs pounded the controller like a jackhammer as Mario stomped on Koopa Troopas and headbutt floating cubes that spat out shiny gold coins as well as the occasional mushroom which doubled Mario’s size when he rammed into it.

  “I’m not sure when it’s gonna happen,” Sid called out, “but I guarantee that someday I’m gonna beat this game on one man; no warping.”

  Aphrodite laughed dismissively. “Good luck with that! I’d say there’s a much greater chance of you traveling back to Earth where your wife and child are and actually becoming a father.”

  As Aphrodite finished her rebuke, poor Mario was bitten by a Piranha Plant and the electronic tune signifying his demise blared from the TV. “Do doot, do do doot, do do doot do doot. ”

  While it played, Sid released a hand from the controller, lifted it high above his head, and flipped an enlightened, non-violent fuck you to Aphrodite.

  “Rowen,” Delemor’s voice rang out. “Quit slacking off with that deadbeat dad and get back here so we can get down to business.”

  ***

  Delemor leaned back in his throne, crossed his legs, and pressed his fingertips together. “So what can I do for you?”

  Rowen sighed. “Well, I think that living an examined life didn’t have the results I had hoped for.”

  “How so?”

  “I thought that if we questioned and debated everything, we would identify problems in our culture that needed to be rectified, and then we would rectify those problems. But that didn’t seem to happen.”

  “And it was pretty boring, too.”

  Rowen ignored the slight and continued. “So this time, I’d just like to be a good person.”

  Delemor raised an eyebrow. “A good person?”

  “Yeah, I don’t want to be evil.”

  “These are pretty subjective terms you’re using. Care to expand?”

  “Well, I don’t want to commit any crimes or anything. I don’t want to do anything bad or bring any harm to my community. I just want to live my entire life as an upstanding citizen so I can be proud of myself when my life is over and we look back on it.”

  “That sounds pretty boring too, but we may be able to work with this.”

  “I don’t mind if it’s boring, I just don’t want to do anything bad. One thing I’m learning is that no matter how good your intentions are, or how good you are for the rest of your life, if you mess up just once, you can go down in infamy for that one incident and be crucified here in Verixion.

  “For instance, no matter what you’ve done with the rest of your life, if in a moment of weakness and desperation, you snatch a fistful of cash from a church collection plate, you’ll forever be known as a thief. Or if in a moment of poor judgment and hubris, you get behind the wheel of a car while drunk and cause an accident which kills someone, you’ll forever be known as a murderer. Or if, God forbid, in a moment of unbridled hijinks and tomfoolery, you take a selfie where you pretend-molest a hot girl who’s sleeping, you’ll forever be known as a sexual predator.”

  Delemor nodded. “You’re only as good as your worst sin.”

  “Yeah, that’s exactly what I mean. All it takes is one slip-up and you’re doomed. And what’s worse, if you’ve angered or offended the Gods, they might destroy your whole community or even your whole civilization.”

  “Yeah, that’s one of the parts I like.”

  “Well, I don’t. And I’d really like to avoid anything even close to it. I’d just like to be a good person who contributes to my community and doesn’t commit any sins.”

  Delemor thought it over for a split second. “Okay, done.”

  “Really?” As the question left Rowen’s lips, there was a rustle beneath the table. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean ‘really’ as if I were questioning you, I just meant to say ‘thank you.’”

  “Go ahead.”

  “Thank you!”

  “You’re welcome. You’re just lucky you caught me in a generous mood. But of course, I’ll need a little sumpin’ sumpin’ in return.”

  “Of course.”

  “For starters, you’re gonna have a stick up your ass.”

  “A stick up my ass? Like literally a stick up there?”

  “Yes, literally.”

  “Like all the time? How would that even work?”

  Delemor let out an OMG-I’m-on-fire-today laugh. “No, I’m just kidding. The stick up your ass will be metaphorical. So you’ll be able to sleep and poop and have gay sex just fine. You’ll just be relatively humorless, relatively rigid, and relatively receptive to religious authority.”

  Rowen mulled it over. “Actually, it seems like that may help me in my cause.”

  “Well then you’re welcome. In addition, you will have an average sex drive.”

  “Ummm … Okay.”
<
br />   “But your penis will be smaller than the average.”

  “Ouch. Can I at least have big muscles?”

  “You wanna be strong, do ya? Okay, I can grant you that. But you’re gonna be half as tall as everyone else.”

  “I was thinking it would be nice to be a little tall this time.”

  “Gettin’ greedy, don’t you think? Next, you’re gonna be telling me that you wanna be tall, dark, and handsome?”

  “That wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world. But it may actually be dangerous for my cause, so I don’t think I need to go that far.”

  “Showing some restraint, huh? Well, how’s about this: I’ll grant you tall and dark, but your face is gonna be covered in pock marks from the time you learn to walk.”

  Rowen grimaced. “That sounds pretty harsh.”

  “Yup.”

  “How about instead of pock marks, we go with bad acne that lets up when I’m an adult?”

  “You’re driving a hard bargain today, but since I’m in such a charitable mood, I’m gonna let you have it. ”

  “Fantastic. Thank you so much!”

  “Meng Po!” Delemor called out, suddenly. “Bring in the drink. Nice doing business with you, sucker.”

  The adorable old lady emerged with the bubbly concoction. “Here you go, sweetheart.”

  “Thank you, ma’am.” Rowen said, receiving the pungent beverage.

  “There’s no shame in wearing adult diapers,” Meng Po said lovingly as Rowen gulped down the drink.

  “I’m sorry?” he replied as she helped him to his feet.

  “There’s no shame in it. Look,” she said, pulling her dress up to her chin. “I’ve got a pair on right now.”

  Rowen was at a loss. “What the …?” he said staggering, partially in response to the tea, but more partially in response to the stained yellow diapers that Meng Po was proudly displaying.

  As his vision went haywire and everything faded to black, he once again heard the high-pitched cackling of the sweet old deity.

  Palenque, Mexico

  Early 7 th Century AD

  In the days following the sudden death of their king, the Mayan state of Palenque spiraled into a state of chaos. The pressing issue before the vaunted Council of Priests was that there was no clear heir apparent.