Zeus Grants Stupid Wishes: A No-Bullshit Guide to World Mythology

by O'Brien, Cory

  except instead of doing crimes you do gold)

  It is a necklace of such INDESCRIBABLE VALUE

  that all the Norse scribes purposefully lost most of the text of this myth

  and no one actually knows what it looks like

  or even if it is a necklace really

  we’re kind of just guessing here

  more or less based on the fact that a necklace is the only form of gold

  big enough to fit four dwarf dicks simultaneously.

  So these four skeezy dwarfs pop out, and Freyja’s like “Ew, gross

  I mean hey, guys, how’s it going?

  Think I could have this necklace or whatever it is?

  I’ll pay you GOLD for it.”

  And the dwarves are like “We don’t need any more gold.”

  WHOA, RECORD SCRATCH.

  Did you just hear what I heard?

  DWARVES

  do not need more

  GOLD?!

  These are clearly not four dwarves

  but rather eight babies in four dwarf suits.

  But that just makes this next part weirder

  because then Freyja is like “Well, gold is pretty much all I have.

  Credit cards haven’t been invented yet, nor has investment banking.”

  and the dwarves are like “WELL YOU HAVE A VAGINA, RIGHT?

  HOWSABOUT WE ALL USE THAT FOR LIKE TWENTY-FOUR HOURS APIECE.”

  and Freyja is like “Hmm

  . . .

  Okay!”

  So each of the dwarves does the teenie-weenie with Freyja for a solid day/night cycle

  and they are very civil about it and no one minds getting sloppy seconds

  and at the end of the four days the dwarves are like “Welp

  we’re about as sexually satisfied as we are ever going to be in our sad, sad lives.

  Here, have this necklace.”

  And Freyja is like “SWEET!

  This was ALMOST worth debasing myself in this manner!”

  And meanwhile, Loki

  who, remember, followed Freyja here

  is like “DAMN, I WISH I HAD FILMED THAT.

  I BET THERE’S A WHOLE INTERNET FETISH ABOUT THIS KIND OF SHIT.

  I guess I’ll just have to settle for ruining her accomplishment like I planned.”

  So Freyja goes home to enjoy her necklace and take a loooong shower

  and Loki hauls ass over to Odin’s place

  and he’s like “Odin, Odin, guess what?

  I know I’m the god of lying all the time

  but you gotta trust me when I say

  Freyja just fucked four dwarves for a necklace.”

  And Odin is like “Yeah, that sounds like Freyja.

  I mean WHAT??

  I WANTED TO FUCK FREYJA.

  WE ALL WANTED TO FUCK FREYJA.

  THAT’S LIKE THE WHOLE REASON WE KEEP HER AROUND

  AND ALL WE HAD TO DO ALL THESE YEARS WAS OFFER HER JEWELRY?

  UNACCEPTABLE.

  GO STEAL HER NECKLACE.”

  and Loki is like “Did somebody say STEALING?”

  and Odin is like “Yes, Loki, that was me who said that.”

  but Loki doesn’t hear him because he is already at Freyja’s place

  STEALING.

  So he gets to Freyja’s place and the door is locked

  so he turns into a fly and goes in through a crack in the roof.

  But then Freyja is sleeping on her back

  with the clasp of her necklace completely inaccessible

  so Loki turns into a flea and mauls her cheeks until she flips over

  and then Loki turns into Loki and just steals her necklace.

  So Freyja wakes up

  notices her necklace is gone

  notices her door is open

  and is like “DAMMIT LOKI.

  But wait

  Loki would be too much of a pussy to do this on his own.

  DAMMIT ODIN.

  But how would Odin know about my necklace?

  DAMMIT LOKI.

  But Loki is probably nine countries away at this point.

  I’M GONNA GO YELL AT ODIN.”

  So she shows up at Odin’s place, all angry and shit

  and Odin is like “WELL, WELL, WELL

  IF IT ISN’T SLUT CITY.

  HEY, I HAVE SOME BRASS PLATES AND A SHINY ROCK.

  WANNA GIVE ME A RIMJOB OR SOMETHING? THEY’RE ALL YOURS.”

  And Freyja is like “VERY FUNNY ASSHOLE.”

  and Odin is like “I BET YOU WON’T THINK MY ASSHOLE IS VERY FUNNY

  WHEN YOU ARE GIVING ME A RIMJOB.

  But seriously, it’s because of shit like this that we keep trying to sell you to giants.

  So I’m going to punish you.”

  and Freyja is like “Aw Frigg.

  What’s it gonna be?”

  And Odin is like “Well, I’ll let you have the necklace back

  but only if you make all the races of men in Midgard fight wars forever.

  Oh wait, that’s not really a puni—”

  AND FREYJA IS LIKE “YES, DONE, THANK YOU.”

  Then there is war forever

  but at least Freyja looks pretty.

  So the moral of the story

  is that apparently women ARE currency

  but the exchange rate of women to gold isn’t actually that great.

  THOR GETS JACKED

  So Thor’s sleeping one night

  prolly dreaming about lightning and murder

  and he wakes up like “Man, that was a good dream.

  ’Bout to go make it a reality with the help of my trusty OH SHIT

  WHERE IS MY HAMMER??

  LOOOOKIIII”

  and Loki shows up like “I didn’t do it.

  I mean . . . Hey, Thor, what’s good?”

  And Thor’s like “SOMEONE STOLE MY HAMMER.”

  And Loki is like “Wow. I actually seriously am not responsible for once.

  Here, dude, let me help you find it.”

  So they go see Freyja

  and Freyja is like “Hey, Thor, what’s good?”

  And Thor is like “SOMEONE STOLE MY HAMMER.

  WAAAAHHHH.”

  and Freya is like “Shut the fuck up, man.

  We can solve this mystery.

  Loki, did you steal the hammer?”

  And Loki is like “Nope.”

  And Freyja is like “Well, I’m out of ideas.”

  and Loki is like “I know, right?

  But how about this:

  how about you lend me your cloak of feathers that lets you fly

  so I can fly over to the land of the giants

  and ask them where they hid Thor’s hammer

  because as you know

  if it wasn’t me, it was definitely the giants.”

  And Freyja is like “Sure, man

  take my super valuable cloak.”

  So Loki takes it

  and COMPLETELY FAILS TO STEAL IT all the way to Jotunheim.

  and he glides right up to some really rich giant named Thrym

  who is just sitting up on a mountain with some hounds on gold leashes

  and he is like “Yo, Loki, my man, what’s good?”

  and Loki is like “You didn’t happen to steal Mjolnir, did you?”

  and Thrym is like “HAHA, YOU GOT ME

  I STOLE IT AND THEN I BURIED IT

  AND I’LL NEVER GIVE IT BACK UNLESS I GET TO MARRY FREYJA

  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.”

  So Loki flies back to Freyja and Thor

  who are both like “HOLY SHIT, LOKI

  Did you forget
to steal that cloak or something?

  It’s like you’re suddenly respecting people’s possessions. It’s creepy.”

  And Loki is like “I KNOW, RIGHT?

  Look, I can get Mjolnir back super easy.

  Here, Freyja, just put on this wedding dress

  and Freyja is just like “HELLLLLLLL

  NO.

  What do you think I am some kind of slut who trades sex for treasure?

  Make Thor do it.”

  And Thor is like “NOOOOOOOO WAY, JOSÉ.

  What do I look like some kind of cross-dressing motherfucker?

  Bitch you could not find a vagina on me if you CUT ONE INTO MY FLESH.

  SHIT WOULD GROW BACK.

  I AM A VIRILE DYNAMO WITH THE HEALING POWERS OF WOLVERINE.”

  and Freyja is like “Yes, Thor, we all understand.

  But if you don’t get that hammer back who is going to kill all the giants?

  Those giants are going to remain woefully unkilled.”

  And Thor is like “Fine, I’ll put on the dress.”

  So they pull out ALL the fucking stops

  this is like Pimp My Ride for drag queens right here.

  They give him a veil and a dress

  and Freyja’s pretty necklace and some house keys

  ’cause apparently there is some Norse wedding tradition

  where they lock you out of a house and you have to get inside or else you’re divorced

  and Thor just feels SOOOO PRETTY

  but he won’t let anyone know

  ’cause he’s Thor, all right?

  And then Loki gets jealous of how pretty Thor is

  and is like “I wanna dress up too.”

  And Freyja is like “All right.

  You can be her—I mean HIS wingman or whatever.”

  Hey, is there a female version of wingman?

  Wingwoman sounds awkward.

  I’m coining a new phrase:

  Titcaptain.

  Tell your friends.

  So Loki and Thor show up at Thrym’s place

  and Thrym makes the colossal mistake of inviting Thor to have dinner with him

  so Thor eats an entire ox, and then eight salmon

  and all the little cakes and shit they can bring him

  and chugs a ton of mead

  until Thrym is like “Whoa, baby.

  Might wanna slow down there.”

  And Loki is like “No, man, it’s totally cool.

  She hasn’t eaten in EIGHT DAYS

  ’cause she was SO EXCITED ABOUT YOUR DICK.”

  So Thrym is like “Oh okay.”

  But then he’s like “Man I really wanna kiss my bride right now”

  so he lifts up her delicate veil and WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS?

  Here come Thor’s furious eyeballs, flaming with pure black hatred

  and that is NOT what Thrym was looking for

  and he is like “MY, WHAT BIG EYES YOU HAVE”

  and Loki is like “No, man, it’s fine.

  She just hasn’t slept for the last eight days

  ’cause she was so excited about your dick, like I said.

  Honestly I don’t know how she’s even alive

  except for the whole immortality thing, I guess.”

  So then this random chick busts into the room

  one of Thrym’s daughters or something

  and is like “FREYJA, GIVE ME A WEDDING GIFT

  EVEN THOUGH I AM NOT GETTING MARRIED.

  GIVE ME RINGS OF RED GOLD.”

  and Thor is like “Fuck your red gold.

  What do I look like, some kind of red dwarf?

  Hey, Thrym, I want a wedding gift actually. I want Mjolnir.”

  and Thrym is like “ANYTHING YOU SAY, HONEY.”

  and goes and digs up Mjolnir and gives it to Thor

  and Thor is like “OH, IT IS PARTY TIME NOW, MOTHERFUCKERS.”

  So he kills Thrym

  and then all of Thrym’s dudes

  and then that chick who asked him for gold, just for good measure

  and then he’s like “WHO’S THE MAN?

  WHO’S THE MAN?

  ME RIGHT?

  ’CAUSE THIS WHOLE THING KINDA MADE ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY.”

  So the moral of the story is

  if at first you don’t succeed

  try cross-dressing.

  ALL’S WELL THAT MIMIR’S WELL

  Odin is constantly doing weird shit for secrets.

  Like every morning, he sends out his two ravens—Hugin and Munin—to go fly around

  and then in the evening they come back and tell him what’s up.

  But DISASTER STRIKES

  because one day

  instead of telling him all the shit they saw

  all the birds will say is “OHH SHIT. GOT SOME FOREBODING SHADOWS UP IN THIS BITCH.”

  And Odin is like “FOREBODING SHADOWS?

  THOSE ARE THE WORST KIND OF SHADOWS!”

  At which point his wife, Frigga, busts in like “HUSBAND, STOP YELLING”

  and Odin is like “HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO STOP YELLING

  WHEN THERE ARE FOREBODING SHADOWS GOING ON ALL OVER THE PLACE??”

  And Frigga is like “Okay, tell you what

  how about we go hit up these chicks called the Norns

  who live at the bottom of Yggdrassil—

  THE TREE OF LIFE—

  and look into their eyes for a bit and see the future?”

  And Odin is like “Okay, I GUESS.”

  So Odin gets all his buddies together

  them being Tyr, the one-armed badass murder convention

  Baldur the prettiest and best loved of all the gods

  and Thor, who has a hammer.

  They all walk over to this fabulous rainbow bridge

  that connects Asgard to the base of Yggdrassil

  and Odin goes up to Heimdall who is the keeper of the gate of Asgard

  and also has a sweet gold grill

  and Heimdall opens up the gate

  and Odin walks through, and Tyr walks through, and Baldur walks through

  and Thor tries to walk through and Heimdall is like “NOPE, NO THORS ALLOWED.”

  and Thor who is the god of getting real pissed real fast

  is all “DON’T MAKE ME COME OVER TO YOUR HOUSE AND BEAT YOUR WIFE.

  OH WAIT, YOU DON’T HAVE A WIFE

  SO I GUESS I AM GOING TO HAVE TO WAIT

  UNTIL SOME POOR SKANK FINDS YOUR WEAK-ASS GOLD GRILL ALLURING

  AND THEN WHEN YOU ARE CUTTING THE CAKE AT YOUR WEDDING

  I WILL BUST OUT OF THE CAKE

  AND CLOCK YOUR NEW WIFE IN THE JAW WITH MY HAMMER

  BECAUSE IF THERE IS ONE THING THAT DEFINES ME AS A PERSON

  IT IS MY MASSIVE FUCKING HAMMER.”

  And Heimdall is like “Actually your hammer is kind of the problem

  the weight of your hammer combined with the weight of your fat, fat ass

  would break the rainbow bridge.

  So I’m sorry, dude but you’re going to have to stay home.

  UNLESS you want to wade across these two smothering miserable cloud rivers

  and meet your bros on the other side.”

  and Thor is like “SOUNDS AWESOME.”

  So nine hours later, Thor finally catches up to everyone at the base of Yggdrassil

  and then Odin goes over to stare at the Norns for a bit.

  There are three Norns:

  Urda, the old one

  Verdandi, the hot one

  and Skulda, the emo one

  and in their eyes Odin can see the future

  and I dunno exactly wha
t it is

  but it’s apparently pretty depressing

  and then Frigga shows up

  with Sif (Thor’s wife)

  and Nanna (Baldur’s wife. Lucky bitch)

  and she looks at the Norns for a bit

  and then looks real sad at Baldur, who is her son

  presumably because she saw him die in the future or some shit.

  Who knows?

  (Spoiler alert: He totally dies.)

  So Odin turns around like “Hey, guys I need to go to Midgard for a bit.

  I need to drink from the well of Mimir

  because it is fortified with wisdom and shit

  and all these foreboding shadows are going wayyy over my head.”

  And then Thor has to figure out how to get back home.

  So Odin trades in his spear, and all his armor and his eight-legged horse, and his name

  for a blue cloak and a staff and a big floppy hat

  and the name VEGTAM THE WANDERER

  and he starts walking through Jotunheim looking for giants.

  Pretty soon he sees him a giant

  So he walks up to this giant like “Hey, bro, what’s your name?”

  and the giant is like “I AM VAFTHRUDNIR WISEST GIANT EVER.”

  Odin has heard about this dude

  and he knows that he is not bullshitting

  so he is like “Oh damn, I am in luck.

  Wanna hook me up with some wisdom?”

  and Vafthrudnir is like “OKAY, BUT FIRST ANSWER SOME RANDOM TRIVIA

  AND IF YOU ANSWER WRONG I GET TO CUT OFF YOUR HEAD.”

  This may seem strange

  but actually this is just how they play trivial pursuit in Sweden.

  So Vafthrudnir tosses out a bunch of questions

  but his quiz is actually super weak sauce

  because like 100 percent of the answers can be readily found on Wikipedia

  so Odin proceeds to hand him his ass

  and Vafthrudnir is like “Aww dang.

  Now you gotta ask ME a question.”

  and Odin is like “How about this one:

  WHAT ARE THE LAST WORDS THAT ODIN WILL SAY TO HIS SON BALDUR?”

  And Vafthrudnir is like “COME ON, THAT IS ENTIRELY UNFAIR

  ONLY ODIN WOULD KNOW THE ANSWER TO—Waaait a second.

  You’re Odin, aren’t you?

  You motherfucker.

  Okay, what kind of wisdom did you want to get hooked up with?”

  And Odin is like “I just wanna know how much it costs to drink from Mimir’s well.”

  and Vafthrudnir is like “Oh damn, is that all? You probably could have just asked Mimir.

  He generally just charges people THEIR RIGHT EYE.”