by Tamara Black
“Yeah, me too,” I said, acting as if it didn’t affect me at all.
On the inside, however, he had crushed me. Is this because I didn’t sleep with him last night? The doubts flamed my anger.
“I gotta go,” I said.
“Do you have your kids again?” he asked.
“Is that what this is about? You don’t want anything to do with my children?”
“No, that’s not what I’m saying at all. It’s just…” He sighed again. “I don’t know how to explain it. Your life would be worse with me in it.”
I rolled my eyes. “Whatever. I’ll see you tomorrow maybe.”
“Wait, Tanesha…”
Before he could say another word, I opened the office door and walked away, leaving it open. I could feel the other employees staring at me as I walked through the front to fill out my timecard before I left. All of the joy I’d felt had turned to anger and sadness in the span of just a few minutes. What is wrong with me? I wondered as I got in my car and drove to my empty apartment. The kids would be away for another few days, leaving me all alone.
♥ ♥ ♥
As I got ready for bed that evening, wrapped up in a white, cotton robe, I heard a knock at the door. Who could that be? I wondered as I walked over and looked through the peephole. Outside, I saw Tony standing, shuffling his weight from one foot to the other as he glanced back and forth down the hallway in both directions. What the hell? I unlocked the door and opened it a few inches.
I saw a duffel bag slung over his shoulder. He whipped his left hand from behind his back, presenting me with a huge bouquet of red roses. My eyes widened as my anger dissipated.
“These are for you,” he said. “Can I come in?”
“Yeah, sure.” I opened the door the rest of the way and stepped to the side. “What’s up?”
He walked in, still holding out the flowers. “I wanted to apologize for being a dick earlier. I’ve just been under so much stress lately.”
“It’s okay, I understand. My life is crazy too, and…” I took the flowers from him. “Let me put these in some water. Come on.”
I walked into the kitchen with him close behind.
“These are beautiful,” I said. “I hope you didn’t spend a lot.”
“No price is too high if it puts a smile on your face.”
“You know how to compliment a woman.”
“And you make it so easy.”
“Stop,” I said, laughing.
I got a vase out of the cupboard and filled it with water. He unwrapped the roses and handed them to me.
“Be careful.”
“Every rose has its thorn,” I joked.
After slipping the flowers into the vase, I stepped back to admire them.
“They smell so wonderful.”
“I could go on complimenting you all night, but I have a favor to ask.”
“Ah, now the truth comes out.” I smiled.
“No, the roses are separate, but I’m really in a jam.”
“I can try to help.”
He took the duffel bag off his shoulder and held it out.
“Can you hold on to this for me?”
“I’m not holding drugs in this house,” I said firmly.
“I wouldn’t ask you to do that,” he said. “It’s just a bit of cash.”
“A bit of cash?”
“Yeah, a little over a grand.”
“And you want me to hold it for you?”
“My mother is coming over to my apartment, and she’s stolen money from me more than once before to go out gambling.”
I nodded, swallowing a lump in my throat. I would have to tell him the truth about my own problem eventually.
“I can do it,” I said. “You want something to drink?”
“No, I need to get back to work right away, but I thought I would drop those off for you.”
“Oh, okay.”
He stepped forward, closing the gap between us. I stared into his eyes before he moved closer to kiss me. Our lips met briefly before he pulled away far too soon.
“I have to go, but thanks again. Forget what I said earlier, okay?”
“Keep kissing me like that, and I’ll forget everything.”
He smiled. “I’ll see you later, Tanesha.”
“Bye, Tony.”
I walked him to the door. After he left, I returned to the kitchen and opened the duffel bag. A pile of twenty-dollar bills filled the bottom. I zipped up the bag and buried it in the back of my bedroom closet. All night, I couldn’t stop thinking about it. The money would help me out so much with bills, but I couldn’t touch it. I thought about using it to go out gambling, but that would be even worse. I pushed it out of my mind and finally managed to fall asleep later that night.
SEVEN
Tanesha
Five days passed, and Tony didn’t say anything about the money. We spent a little time together, but since my children came back, we’d limited our contact to long talks on the phone. I got to know a lot about him, like the fact he wanted to open his own pizza shop someday. He cared a lot about his mother, but she seemed like a terrible person who took advantage of his love. As I stood in line at the gas station to buy a pack of Pall Mall Menthols, inspiration hit me.
I should buy five lottery tickets. No, make that fifty. A hundred? With that many, I’m sure to win the money back and more. My second paycheck had cleared and was available on my bank card. The man in front of me walked away. I stepped up to the counter.
“Can I get a pack of Pall Mall Green. Short.”
The cashier turned to get them.
“Anything else?” she asked.
“Yeah, I’d like a hundred number five scratch-offs, please.”
Her eyes widened in surprise. “Are you sure?”
“Yes, please.”
She rang up the pack of cigarettes and hundred scratch-off lottery tickets. A combined sense of happiness and dread came over me as I took them back to my car. I scratched off two before starting it up, but they were both losers. I’m sure I’ll win something, I told myself as I drove home. A hundred dollars might not seem like a lot to some people, but for me it went a long way, and I could hardly afford to lose so much.
When I got back to the apartment, I got Destiny and Michael ready for bed. Once they were tucked in, I went to the kitchen with my potential treasure – ninety-eight scratchers. I’m sure to win, I told myself again as I sat down and started scratching. Half an hour later, I had nothing but a huge, worthless mess on my table. I frowned as the reality hit me. I’d just wasted a hundred dollars for nothing. Tears began to well up in my eyes.
My phone rang. I glanced down at the number. Tony? I picked it up and swiped the screen to answer.
“Hello?”
“Hey, Tanesha. I hope it’s not too late.”
“No, not at all. What’s up?”
“You okay? You sound like you’ve been crying?”
“Oh, I’m fine,” I lied. “It’s just the kids acting up.”
“They sound like a handful.”
“You don’t even know.” I laughed.
He always puts me in such a good mood.
“Anyway, I just called because you sent me that text message.”
“Oh, yeah, I wanted to ask if I could get off Saturday morning.”
“Sure. Why?”
“My friend is coming into town, and I want to spend some time with her.”
It’s not entirely a lie.
“Sounds fun.”
“Yeah, she’s great. We don’t get to spend too much time together anymore.”
“Mmmhmm.”
“You okay?” I asked. “You sound tired.”
“I am, but I’ll be okay. Things are starting to look up.”
“That’s good. We should hang out again soon.”
“Definitely,” he said. “Well, I got to go, but I wanted to see what you needed.”
“You’re sure I can take off?”
“Don’t worry
about it. You’ve been doing great.”
“Thanks, Tony.”
“Talk to you later, Tanesha.”
I disconnected the call. Immediately, my mood fell as I saw the pile of non-winning lottery tickets piled on the center of my wooden kitchen table. I scooped them all up and tossed them in the trash. I’ll make the money back tomorrow at the casino, I told myself, knowing deep down it was bullshit. Cassie, my best friend since high-school, would go anywhere with me, but I told her I wanted to get a room at the casino and have some fun away from the children.
Their father agreed to take them for a few nights while she was in town. I would miss them, but at the same time, I needed to recharge. Hopefully, she would be able to help me decide what to do with Tony. I loved my job and didn’t want to lose it, but the more time I spent with him, the deeper I felt myself falling. Cassie would have the answers I needed even if they weren’t the ones I wanted to hear. That was one of the reasons we had been such good friends for so long.
EIGHT
Tanesha
As soon as we walked in the casino doors, my spirits perked up. Part of it had to do with Cassie walking next to me, but the chance to gamble and win big money made a bigger impact, I’m sure. The thought of the hundred scratch-off tickets I’d burned through the night before drifted from my mind as we made our way to the receptionist desk to rent a room. I didn’t plan on drinking too much myself, but I wanted to avoid having to drive her home and interrupt my time at the slots.
Most people thought slot machines have the worst odds, but I had a special connection with them. They paid out better for me because of my aura or something. While I couldn’t prove it with a large stack of winnings in my bank account, I was certain they would pay off for me eventually. Just another dollar. One more. And then another. When we got to our room, Cassie went straight to the mini-bar.
“You know those drinks cost more, girl,” I said.
“At this point, I don’t care, Tanesha.”
She laughed as she opened the mini-fridge and took out a tiny bottle of vodka.
“You want one?” she asked.
“No, I shouldn’t.”
“Okay, just one,” she insisted, ignoring me.
“I’ve missed you,” I said as she brought it over and handed it to me.
After unscrewing the tops, we clinked the tiny bottles together and both downed the contents. The fiery liquid went down my throat quickly, sending a warming sensation through my body. While it was nice, I couldn’t wait to get downstairs and start tapping buttons to try to win some money. That made me feel so much better.
“You ready to go gamble?”
She rolled her eyes. “Already? I thought we could get something to eat and talk a bit first.”
“Okay, but let me put twenty in a machine first.”
“Fine,” she said then sighed.
“You know you love hanging out with me,” I said.
“So what’s up with this Tony guy? Are you two serious?”
I moved my head back and forth, considering how to answer her question.
“You like this guy, don’t you?” she asked with a knowing grin.
“Yeah, I think I do, but…”
“No buts, girl. You deserve a good man. Don’t get me started on Kendrick.”
“Please don’t say his name,” I begged. “Let’s go get something to eat.”
We went downstairs to the casino bar and grill. On the way, I stopped and slipped a twenty into a machine.
“Come on,” she said. “You can play later.”
“Just a minute. I have a feeling.”
“You and your feelings.”
She stood next to me as I placed my wager and pressed the button. For good luck, I pulled the handle that was still attached to the machine for some reason even though it wasn’t used anymore. Pulling it gave me a better chance of winning, I told myself.
None of the shapes and numbers lined up the right way as the slot-machine devoured my twenty-dollar bill in a matter of minutes.
“Okay, hot streak, let’s go eat.”
I stood up, still looking at the machine.
“I think if I put another twenty in now…”
“Let’s go,” she said, grabbing my arm and pulling me away.
In the High Stakes restaurant, we found a table in back and sat down.
“How have you been?” I asked, still thinking about slot machines.
“Not bad. I can’t complain.”
“You still with that one guy?”
“Jerry? Yeah. He’s nice.”
“He’s rich is what he is,” I said.
“That too.” She smiled. “What about you and that Tony guy?”
“We kissed the other night, but I haven’t let him go any further.”
“Playing hard to get, huh?”
“Kinda, I guess. It’s more like I think he might be the one, you know?”
Her eyes widened. “Wow. I never thought I would hear you say that again.”
“I’m over Kendrick,” I said. “We should have never been together.”
“You’re telling me.”
“He’s good with the kids, though. I have to give him that. He does his part.”
A waitress walked up and took our order. We both got steaks, her treat. She wouldn’t give me money to gamble, but she paid for the room and meals whenever we went out together. I had money in my pocket to feed the slot-machines after we ate.
“So is this Tony sexy?” she asked after the waitress walked away from our table.
I grinned and said, coyly, “I think so.”
“Woo woo,” she teased. “I’ll have to meet him.”
“He said he wanted to slow down, but then he showed up at my place that same night.”
“Is he stable?”
“As stable as I am, I guess,” I said in his defense.
“I’m just worried about you.”
“I know, and that’s why I love you.”
“I’m glad we got together. It’s been too long.”
“For sure. I do want to play a few hours on slots.”
“Just wait until I go to bed at least,” she said.
I laughed. “I’ll try. Aren’t you going to play?”
“I hate the slots, but I guess we can play together and talk.”
“I’m just here to have fun,” I insisted.
“Uh huh,” she said. “I know you.”
“I’ve been working hard lately.”
“Yeah, how’s the job going? I don’t know if seeing your boss makes a lot of sense.”
I sighed. “I hear you. I’ve been thinking about it a lot, but I like him so much. It’s hard.”
“He’s hard?” She giggled.
I joined her. We continued to talk as we waited for our food.
♥ ♥ ♥
Later that night, sometime after midnight, I shuffled from one machine to another, feeding each and every one at least a twenty-dollar bill. The casino had no clocks and dim lights to take away my sense of time. Even though I knew they did so, it worked on me. Minutes quickly turned into hours as I spent a hundred, won a hundred and fifty, spent two hundred, won a hundred, and so on.
By the time Cassie found me in the morning, I looked like a zombie. With only forty-dollars left, the very pit of my stomach ached. After using the money I’d brought with me, I unloaded everything off my bank card. The rent money enabled me to win some of my other funds back, but I lost all the winnings as I pressed ahead, looking for a bigger payoff. I looked at my best friend and literally felt sick.
“You okay?” she asked. “Have you been down here all night?”
“Yeah, I have two twenties left. I want to…”
“No, we’re leaving,” she said, taking me by the arm.
“I don’t want to go yet,” I complained, resisting her.
“We’re leaving now, Tanesha,” she said in a firm and final tone.
I stopped pulling and let her lead me outside. The dayligh
t hit me like it would a vampire.
“It’s so early,” I whined.
“You shouldn’t have stayed up all night gambling your money away, fool,” she said. “Let’s get out of here.”
“I’m sorry,” I said.
“Why are you saying that to me? I mean, I care, but it’s your money.”
“I just ruined our night out,” I said.
“It’s fine. Next time we’ll go somewhere else.”
I opened the passenger side door of her brand new Toyota Avalon after she unlocked it with her keychain. Inside her car, I curled up as best I could.
“At least you don’t have to work today,” she said.
“Yeah, but my sleep schedule is going to be messed up unless I stay up all day.”
“You better stay up, then.” She paused. “Did you spend too much? Are you going to be okay?”
“I spent way too much, but it’s fine. I’ll figure it out. You don’t need to pay for my gambling.”
“Damn straight, I don’t.”
She started up the car and pulled out of the parking lot. Both of us fell silent as she drove me to my two-story brick apartment building.
“You want to come in?” I asked.
“No, I need to go. But I’ll call you.”
“Okay.” I leaned over and kissed her on the cheek. “Good to see you.”
“You too, Tanesha. Bye.”
I watched as she drove away. When she was out of sight, I turned for a walk of shame to my apartment. The scratch-off tickets were bad enough on their own, but I’d fed an entire month of rent into the slot machines in just a few hours. All the excitement I’d felt the few times I won during the night had drained from my completely. You’re an idiot, I said, scolding myself as I walked toward the building.
Inside my apartment, I went into my bedroom to have a cry. I hated when other people saw me sad, but sometimes it helped to just get it all out. Before I climbed into bed and under the covers, I went to my closet. Tony’s duffel bag caught my eye. I could pay my rent with that, I thought. For a brief moment, all my dread faded. Then I realized I couldn’t spend Tony’s money without telling him. With the sigh of a thousand lost souls, I buried myself under the comforter on my bed.
